To not really want DP to become SAHD

[notsureaboutthis10]

Basically I earn a lot more than DP and have been juggling work and my DD since she was born 15 months ago (I work for myself from home so it's been tough but completely doable).

DP was made redundant around 10 months ago and has done absolutely nothing to find another job since. He loves being at home with DD (I'm there too) and enjoys cooking, and general domestic things really.

We now have another baby on the way, so I was not planning on going back to work full time until the new baby is 1 year (my part time hours are still enough to support the family so this would be fine). DP has decided that he would like to remain at home after I've gone back to work full time. Our DD will just be starting pre school at that point, and new baby will be 1 and I was planning to find a childminder for her.

I had always wanted to be a SAHM but because I earnt more and then DP was made redundant I've worked my backside off trying to keep us all comfortable etc. DP knows full well that I would have loved to do this though.

AIBU?

If he was serious about being a SAHD he would be taking full respnsibility for your dd and home while you work and looking after you too. Understandable he might not want to go to groups etc where he'll be the only dad, but if he wants to be SAHD then he needs to man up about that, or find some other dad friends. Or is he actually doing more than you realise, but enjoys having you around too?

But it sounds as though to win back your trust and respect he needs to get a job, at least while you take maternity leave, or at least part time, and that what you need is for him to start looking after you, which is what you deserve in your pregnancy.

Have been there, OP, my dh hated his job and was depressed, so I went back to work, as I liked my job and could earn more. It made logical sense, except he was still depressed and struggled with being a SAHD. My dd's first words were 'crisps' and the name of the landlady of the local. Not ideal.

I am really not sure where I stand on this.

The OP suggests she has to work half an hour here half an hour there. Then says she wants to work set hours. The first post says the he loves being at home WITH dd and enjoys cooking and domestic things.

But that doesn't seem the case in subsequent posts.

I think the whole relationship needs redefining. You need to be honest, if you aren't happy to take on the whole financial responsibility and are terrified if you split he would get full custody, then you need to sit down and discuss this and come up with some sort of plan. You obviously aren't happy, and that matters.

These are exactly the reasons I struggle when sahm are upset when their dhs aren't happy with the situation. Unless you are both happy with the relationship, its not going to work.

I think a frank chat is needed, you both need to agree what a SAHP is, like a job description. You need to tell himthat as a dad, he needs to be able to deal with chilcdren 1:1. That's what being a parent is. You also need to tell him that working means actually working, for several hours at a time, not snatching odd minutes here and there. Try to open his eyes to the reality of the situation.

If he can't or rather, won't change, I am definitely thinking cocklodger.

My DH works ft, I work pt. Most mornings he gets ds dressed, most evening he gives ds his bath. He makes tea abouttwo or three nights a week and always makes breakfast. If your DH does less than this, and is unemployed them I am really sorrybut I would reconsider being in a relationship with him. It sounds like he doesn't value you very much. I'm sorry, you sound like a good person who wants the best for their family.

If you don't want to be the only earner, you have every right to say that. You shouldn't be forced into the position. That goes for a man or woman.

I agree with this. Nobody has a right to SAH, just because they happen to earn less than their partner.

I'm the main earner in our family, and I wouldn't be prepared to take on the burden of being the sole breadwinner. If other families choose to organise themselves in a different way, that's fair enough and I respect their choices, but personally, if DH was at home, I wouldn't feel that we were making an equal contribution to the household.

With one PT-working parent and one SAHP you should both be living the life of Riley.

This. When DH wasn't working and I was part time (3 days a week), we both had one full day each to do what we wanted for ourselves. Bliss.

I am not sure concerns about future custody are relevant here, given this man refuses to spend any time alone with the children? Why would he then push for full custody?

I agree with those saying it isn't about the cleaning. A SAHP isn't a slave, but they are meant to provide childcare surely. I am not clear: Have you actually had a convo with him about this?

Definitely a cocklodger sorry OP

'Unless you are both happy with the relationship then it's not going to work.'
This hits the nail on the head.

And really, given the expectations that many (probably even most) men and women have nowadays about family and work life, it really should be seen as entirely natural that in many relationships, neither partner will be happy being defined as either sole breadwinner or sole carer. It makes perfect sense to want to share responsibilities on a more equal footing. I would have felt hugely stressed if I'd had the responsibility of supporting the family singlehandly financially.
Where a couple are genuinely both happy with one doing that and the other being at home then that's fine, no problem. But it's clear that's not the case here and you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to renegotiate and share responsibilities

Missduke I think the op is thinking this could be a problem if she goes back ft when the baby2 is a year old and he is sahd.

It will be difficult to prove he is a rubbish sahd if she works fulltime and the kids are cared for.

Do sahm have to prove they are any good at it? Not being snarky. its a genuine question.

It would seem he's happy to stay at home whilst you work and do the childcare under the pretence of being a sahd.

What everyone else says. Tell him you need two blocks of time a day for uninterrupted work. You also need him to do more of the shit work (no coincidence that he does the relatively nice tasks like cooking one meal a day ) while you do the hoovering and ironing. I am betting this won't fly, so then I think you should move to getting childcare and saying 'Hey, grasshopper, the summer's over. Time to get to work'.

Oh, and when he says 'why should I do the cleaning?' reply 'There are better things to spend money on. Why shouldn't you do it?' If he then says 'but I look after DD', you can point out that he doesn't.

I was in the same position years ago. Dh made redundant just as I got pregnant. Made no attempt to job search even though he could earn 3x my wage.

He stayed at home for over two years and I had to go back to work when Dd was four months old.

If he'd made the effort to find work but had been unable to I wouldn't have been so resentful.

What would be fair for me to expect him to do?

All I can tell you is how our set up as SAHM/Working D is. Dp gets up at 6.50 ish, showers, says hello the ds (16 months) and goes to work at 7.20. At 6.20 dp gets home, plays with ds, we both bath him then do bedtime together. Then I make tea and he washes up. At weekends the childcare is split a bit more 50/50. There are now a couple of housework jobs I struggle with because I'm pregnant but were talking washing inside windows not basic stuff. It's what we both want to do. The day dp says he doesn't want to be sole earner is the day I go back to work. The day I say I don't want to be sole carer is the day we view nurseries.
IMHO this is sort of how it needs to be when only one of you is working. Your dp is not a SAHP and tbh it doesn't sound like it has it in him to do it either. It sounds like he's got a bit of a nerve expecting you to do the work and the childcare. He needs to get a job. You don't really need him financially at all do you? Are you desperately in love with this man?

See this is one of those situations where I want to ask 'why have you put it with so far?' Not in a victim blaming way (like a recent thread suggested it was) but what has changed that you have put up with him not working while you shoulder the burden of most childcare, housework and financial responsibility so far. And why its come to a head now?

I've just finished a SAHD stint 2yrs..
I did everything, all meals, all house work, all admin for her/our business, all childcare which changed from two toddlers and a baby down to a baby, all docs appointments/ health visitor stuff..
They're both now at preschool, so I'm now back working PT during school hrs and sometimes full days depending on the workload/type and length of job.. I still do all drops off, pick ups feed kids/ kids leisure time and make all meals during the week and put the washing in/out.. She makes up kids outfits and some kids activity stuff..

Two adults should sit down and talk and formulate a flexible plan, in this case he's had a easy time of it and now needs to step up at least for this short time period and then you can assess the situation again in another 12 months..

Hehe! Il love this: welcome to men's mindset when their wife tell them to shut up and go to work, and all of MN is nodding along.

He's a lazy git isn't he Op?
I think you need to sit him down and tell him exactly what being a SAHD involves - quote Frank above I reckon. Make it clear that basically he's going to have to do everything you are doing now, and you'll maybe pick up a bit of the tiny bit he does. I'd also state that if he decides instead that he returns to work at the end of negotiations the workload is going to be redistributed so that he does his fair share.
Ideally I think you need to detach your work from home because it's clear that neither you or your husband are giving it the appropriate priority in your life. In a similar situation a few years back I searched about until I found a cheap office to rent (in a converted farm yard) and moved my work there. It meant that when I was at work I was at work, and when I was at home I was at home. It stops one role bleeding into the other and improved my efficiency, which more than justified the cost.
But... he is a lazy git and I think you need to get tough on him.
As for employing a cleaner, you need to be very blunt don't you? "Why would I pay for a cleaner when you are sitting around here on your arse all day doing so sweet FA?"

Thanks again for all the replies. I have a lot to think about.

I am angry at myself for getting into this situation. I would have broken up with him a while ago if not for the fact that I'm pregnant with dc2. I wouldn't be able to cope with 2 on my own plus work. Even though he doesn't do much now it's something. I don't like him very much and feel completely let down by him most of the time but just feel completely stuck with him. My DD barely sleeps at night and I'm on my knees with the sleep deprivation. It's a blessing to have 10 minutes in the morning for shower, coffee or whatever however pathetic that seems.

I think that maybe a little compromise here is key. I totally understand that you don't want the pressure of being the sole earner of the household (as I am) but it makes financial sense for the biggest earner to stay working if one of you will be SAH.

Why not strike a deal where you take a sabbatical from your job for a certain period to stay at home while he gets a job, and then reverse roles after that time period is up? Or visa versa? This way your DP is effectively doing a trial period of being SAH and gets to fulfil his wish but you also get that opportunity too. Could be a best of both worlds option maybe? Although you'd have to be sure that he will stick to said arrangement, unless you both find it actually works better of course.

There's a couple of options to consider. Have a proper conversation about it and float a few ideas. Potentially you can both get what you want if you're both prepared to be reasonable.

Have you actually spoken to dh about this? Unless hes prepared to lokk after dd 100% time when you are working then its not fair really.

Part tome for both of you might be an option but only if dh actually does the childcare. And its going to to be wasaaaay harder with another little one.

Op, you will cope with two on your own.

I think you've got your gender roles in a twist- basically you don't trust him to take on the role of a housewife and want to still set the house and child care standard and also do it when possible.
This is creating enormous pressure for you.

What is your ideal parenting model?
Lots of people go for sole earner and a stay at home parent when bids are small, however you seem to want two earners and sharing childcare - or do you still want to do all childcare yourself?

You need to sort out what you think the best parenting model is. Are you jealous of the idea your DH runs the house and does childcare - do you really think, underneath that you should do this...but also want to work and earn? DO you think childcare is really your job and a man can't do it?

If your main objection is he isn't competent then you need to teach him so he becomes competent otherwise you will still do 90% of childcare - why are you doing this? No wonder he isn't comfortable, you've basically told him childcare is your job and he is relegated to being the helper. He has to step up to full time parenting otherwise you will split over his lack of childcare anyway.

I think I can see where you are coming from OP.

I have until recently earned more than my DP. When our girls were young I went back to work and DP carried on doing his thing which earned us v little but he was flexible was at home more picked girls up etc. Then he got rid of his business as it was losing so much money and for a year and a half did nothing but was a "SAHD" but I still did food shopping, cooking, washing, got up in the night, arranged play dates, sorted out all the stuff for them at school, sorted our finances. He thought he was the SAHD but in reality although he was physically present but I did all the back stuff. I really resented it as he got the nice bit and I got all the shit. I too would have loved to have been a SAHM but circumstance prevented it. It put a real strain on things between us, as I was jealous and resented the fact that he wasn't embracing everything about being the stay at home parent, he used to say stuff like tell me what needs doing but he would never remember etc. He now has a new job and the balance has been redressed and things are much better.

My advice would be you need to find a situation that you are both happy with as I think if our situation had carried it would have had a hugely detrimental effect on our marriage. You need to have very defined responsibilities I think and stick to them and have a balance you are both happy with.

Yep yabu. Imagine if this was a man writing about his wife. You both want to be the sahp. You don't have more of a right to be the sahp than your dh, and since he's out of work and (seemingly) has less earning potential, the decisions been made for you really..

Why don't you both work part time... Saves on tax