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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really want DP to become SAHD

138 replies

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 19:10

Basically I earn a lot more than DP and have been juggling work and my DD since she was born 15 months ago (I work for myself from home so it's been tough but completely doable).

DP was made redundant around 10 months ago and has done absolutely nothing to find another job since. He loves being at home with DD (I'm there too) and enjoys cooking, and general domestic things really.

We now have another baby on the way, so I was not planning on going back to work full time until the new baby is 1 year (my part time hours are still enough to support the family so this would be fine). DP has decided that he would like to remain at home after I've gone back to work full time. Our DD will just be starting pre school at that point, and new baby will be 1 and I was planning to find a childminder for her.

I had always wanted to be a SAHM but because I earnt more and then DP was made redundant I've worked my backside off trying to keep us all comfortable etc. DP knows full well that I would have loved to do this though.

AIBU?

OP posts:

TracyBarlow · 19/04/2015 20:04

Why do you do 90% of the childcare if he's at home all day?

shitebag · 19/04/2015 20:07

What's he doing whilst you're working and looking after DD?

If you don't think he'll pull his weight and you don't want to support his laziness then that's an entirely different matter IMHO.

womblingalong · 19/04/2015 20:07

Based on your last post OP, I think that he should totally be pulling his weight more, either childcare or earning responsibilities.

shewept · 19/04/2015 20:08

Op, tbh i have always worked ft and so has dh. I feel the financial burden of the family should be on both of us. We were lucky enough to be able to work around dd when she was young and bow both work from home. I actually agree that unless both parents are happy with one person taking the financial burden on, its not the right thing to do. Its how I feel and works for us. Its not the same in every family and each family needs to choose for themselves. Neither is right or wrong.

However if a man came here saying, that he didn't want the burden and thought his dw should get a job to help him out, even though they don't need the money, alot of posters would rip him apart.

It sounds like you are both going to have to compromise.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/04/2015 20:09

Ah following update I change my opinion - I totally understand you feeling the way you do and it is in no way unreasonable!

He should get a job.

shewept · 19/04/2015 20:10

tooextra a sahp should do a 100% of childcare? Really? So working parents are not expected to do anything with their kids when they get home?

Original poster

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 20:13

Compromise sounds good, I just dont know what would be fair and reasonable at the moment as it's not a situation I've been in before and I've never been good at looking at my own situation objectively.

I do feel resentful that he didn't look for a job after being made redundant. My physical working hours may be part time but my mind is never off the job, especially as I have the entire burden of providing financially, and I do see it as a burden. I would have loved some carefree time with my DD but never had that opportunity.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/04/2015 20:15

He loves being at home with DD (I'm there too) and enjoys cooking, and general domestic things really.

So why are you doing 90% of the childcare?

museumum · 19/04/2015 20:17

You would be unreasonable to pay to send your child(ren) to a childminder when their father wants to care for them. Also you have a good job, your dh doesn't have one so it makes sense for him to cover childcare.
However, I don't understand how you can be doing 90% of childcare if you're working f/t and he's not working. How can that even happen?

Without knowing your dhs profession and field it's impossibld to judge if he could work p/t or freelance or earn s-e income. But it sounds like you both working p/t is the only "fair" solution.

Feckeggblue · 19/04/2015 20:18

I do understand OP. I earn more than DH and could deal with him taking a few months off when the children are babies but not as a FT SAHP. I want the security of 2 salaries, both high enough to cover childcare.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 19/04/2015 20:21

Sorry, shewept, I meant while she's actually working. Not at weekends/after she's finished for the day! Didn't phrase that very well.

Original poster

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 20:22

Those of you asking how I work FT and look after DD - I work PT from home. I fit it in when I can, often working late at night.

Worra - he takes a surprisingly long amount of time to do anything. Shower, grocery shopping, errands for himself in town, etc. he does cook 1 meal a day and prepares lunch. He also keeps the kitchen clean and fridge stocked up. I do all the laundry, ironing, hoovering plus the work and looking after DD that I've already mentioned. I'm tired but feel I have no choice but to keep going.

OP posts:

englishbreakfast · 19/04/2015 20:22

My husband is a SAHD and I work full-time with 3 days in the office and 2 days at home. We decided he'd be SAHD when I got pregnant as financially that made sense for us. When I'm working at home, he does all of the child care and when I finish work, I take over with DD. He cooks dinner most week nights and does laundry / dishes during the week. If your DH has been at home for 10 months, why are you doing 90% of child care? Of is he only planning to do it once you "officially" agree he can be a SAHD? In any case, the current situation you've described is most certainly not fair.

shewept · 19/04/2015 20:23

If you only work part time hours, you have time to spend with dd. You just don't switch your brain off. Which I get, its hard. But between you and you do only one of you works and you work pt. If you aren't getting any fun time with her then working isn't the problem.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 20:27

So he's lazy then? He's not job hunting or looking after your DD now while you work - he expects you to do all that-but when you have baby two he expects to be a SAHD? He should have been behaving like one now! At least part time while you worked!

No wonder you are PO OP. While you are on maternity, he needs to work, after that then you both decide. If you did agree to him being SAHD do you think he'll be lazy then?

Original poster

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 20:29

Shewept - I get that but I don't get to start and finish work at set times. I have to fit in bits as and when I can - half an hour here, 10 minutes there. It's exhausting. So no I can't switch off because I always have a mountain of work to do and no proper time to do it. If I miss deadlines I lose the work. I have tried explaining this to DP and asked if we can agree set hours but I think he finds it hard being with DD on his own.

OP posts:

WorkingBling · 19/04/2015 20:29

Yim a bit confused. He had been out of work for a year and has done no childcare but but now wants to be sahd? How did you getbhere? Dh is sahd and I work self employed with flexible hours. As a result he doesn't have to be "on" all the yime but he certainly does lots more childcare than me. What do you and he think being a sahp looks like?

notquiteruralbliss · 19/04/2015 20:29

OP, I have always been in a similar situation to you, in that I earn a multiple of what DP earns. He has always been responsible for child care during my working hours and I have always focused on th DCs in the evenings and at weekends. We outsource anything that can be outsourced and does not directly involve the DCs.

At the moment, DP is ( through choice) a SAHP and I work FT, even though youngest DC is at secondary school. It would be nice to split the child are / outside work more evenly, but in our case (as in many many cases where the SAHP is female) it doesn't make financial sense. If / when DP was working we bought in child care but I would not have wanted him to work just for the sake of it and I would not have wanted us to take the financial hit of us both working part time.

BakingBunty · 19/04/2015 20:30

I'm about to go back to work FT and DH will be SAHD to DS (3) and DD (8 months). I earn more than him, we can get by on my salary and it just seemed to make sense for him to stay home to look after the kids. I didn't see the point in him working at a job he hated to earn enough money to pay someone else to take care of our children, and he is very up for it. However, I know that I'm going to be a bit jealous. But I'm going to try to be grown up about it as I know it's for the best... Even if the laundry doesn't get done!
Could you and DH sit down and have a really frank discussion about your hopes and fears? Wine may help, it did for us

WorkingBling · 19/04/2015 20:34

Just saw your last post. That's BS. I work set hours and/or pre-agreed times so that I don't have to be trying to earn all the money in ten minute chuldcare breaks.

Also, if he wants to be a sahp then he better start getting used to being with dd alone. And when dc2 arrives, with him or her too. Dd is still tiny but dh has had to have both children a lot already. He has been told he's very "brave". His reply is that it's his job as a sahp. Also, when he's feeling arsey, he points out that women in maternity leave regularly have a tiny baby and one or more additional children!

BathtimeFunkster · 19/04/2015 20:37

YANBU

Nobody is entitled to stop earning and make themselves dependent on another adult without that adult's full and enthusiastic agreement.

You don't want to be the sole breadwinner, so he needs to get a job.

FenellaFellorick · 19/04/2015 20:38

sounds like he doesn't want to be a sahd, he wants to bum about doing not much of anything.

Really you need a conversation about it. if he wants to be a sahd, that means actually taking care of the children.

Perhaps you could rent a small office space outside the home. Rentadesk sort of thing. Very cheap and it gets you out of the house. If you are working - you are working. Don't fit it round the family - work.

It isn't fair that one person earns all the money AND does much of the work at home. If one person is earning all the money, the other person has to do their fair share. And deciding that one person is going to be a sahp is something that must be by agreement, not one person saying nah, I'm going to stay at home.

I wonder how much he'll want to be a sahd if you are out of the house, he has to do all childcare while you're at work and a fair proportion of housework too.

Ionone · 19/04/2015 20:38

If he's not doing proper childcare on his own without your help in order to facilitate the work that sustains the family then he isn't a SAHD. He's just freeloading.

HermioneWeasley · 19/04/2015 20:40

He sounds like a cock lodger. If he wants to be a SAHD then he needs to run the house. Why are you working AND doing housework? WTF is he doing?

BathtimeFunkster · 19/04/2015 20:43

And definitely don't agree to this lazy freeloader being your children's primary carer or you'll never be able to get rid of him.

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