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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really want DP to become SAHD

138 replies

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 19:10

Basically I earn a lot more than DP and have been juggling work and my DD since she was born 15 months ago (I work for myself from home so it's been tough but completely doable).

DP was made redundant around 10 months ago and has done absolutely nothing to find another job since. He loves being at home with DD (I'm there too) and enjoys cooking, and general domestic things really.

We now have another baby on the way, so I was not planning on going back to work full time until the new baby is 1 year (my part time hours are still enough to support the family so this would be fine). DP has decided that he would like to remain at home after I've gone back to work full time. Our DD will just be starting pre school at that point, and new baby will be 1 and I was planning to find a childminder for her.

I had always wanted to be a SAHM but because I earnt more and then DP was made redundant I've worked my backside off trying to keep us all comfortable etc. DP knows full well that I would have loved to do this though.

AIBU?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 21:32

He needs to get a job no matter what because you did not mutually agree for him to not work for payment. Just unacceptable and I can see where you are at your wit's end with it after ten months. I'd have been at breaking point or worse.

Ionone · 19/04/2015 21:32

OK, if you don't want him to be the main carer and you don't want him to be a SAHP then you have to do the following, assuming you can afford it:

book childcare for both DC, preschool for DC1 and childminder for DC2.
tell him straight that he is not a SAHP as he is not actually doing much parenting and therefore he needs to find a job. And as he has found it difficult to do actual childcare, you aren't OK with him doing this in future.
tell him that you will be stepping down your hours to have more time with the children (downgrade as much as your finances can cope but make sure that you have a small cushion of savings) and that he will need to find at least part time work to pick up any difference there. He can still work part time and have lots of time at home.
tell him that any decision on anyone becoming a SAHP will need to be negotiated between the pair of you and as things stand you are not happy for him to take on this role.
go and see a solicitor, you don't have to tell your partner, and tell them everything you have told us and see what the current legal position is wrt residency etc.
if you really think you are depressed, you need to see your doctor asap. You can also put it on record there (for any future difficulties that you may encounter) that a major driver in this is the fact that you are doing 90% of the childcare and all the paid work.

GERTI · 19/04/2015 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 21:38

DP has decided that he would like to remain at home after I've gone back to work full time.

Has he now. Good - as he can start tomorrow with the SAHD role, eh? So get up, start working and let him deal with everything.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 21:40

Agreeing with AnyFucker, he needs to step up and he can't be trusted not to be lazy or take advantage.

Original poster

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 21:48

What would be fair for me to expect him to do?

Let's say I work 5 hours a day, 4 days a week. He should of course do the childcare during this time, and some chores? I know he will argue that we could afford a cleaner so why should he do it. I have asked him to take DD to groups and activities out of the house many a time before and he always agrees but never does it.

I feel at a loss because I always convince myself that I'm the one being unreasonable towards him, and that if I can make his life easier by eg getting a cleaner then why not. But as mentioned I didn't want to be in this position and I resent him for making me be in it. He knows how stressed and unhappy it's made me and he still does F all. If I didn't earn much he would have no choice but to get another job.

OP posts:

Original poster

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 21:49

And no I don't trust him because I feel fully taken advantage of. We should be supporting each other but I get literally none from him.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 21:52

'I know he will argue that we could afford a cleaner so why should he do it. I have asked him to take DD to groups and activities out of the house many a time before and he always agrees but never does it.'

FFS.

What's fair is for you to book your DC into childcare as soon as possible and tell him that he gets a JOB or you are through.

I can see where you fell into this, but he's lazy and this will not get better, in fact, it's got worse, in 10 months he's sat on his arse.

He will sit your child in front of a screen and do FA.

He can get a job and pay for a cleaner.

He's landed on his feet with you.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 21:53

Don't bother trialing him, either. This will never work because this person has shown you he is inherently lazy.

Needs to get nipped in the bud now.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 21:57

OP, do I know you under another name ?

BathtimeFunkster · 19/04/2015 21:58

I know he will argue that we could afford a cleaner so why should he do it.

Hang on a minute - this fucker is unemployed.

You have (so far) supported him through 10 months of not contributing financially.

He has no right at all to be spending the money you earn to allow himself even more hours of idleness.

Don't dream of starting negotiations with this prick on the subject of his SAHP duties.

His only duty is finding a job. Tell him that and arrange childcare as you were planning and just say a big fat NO FUCKING CHANCE to his self we I g bullshit plans.

BathtimeFunkster · 19/04/2015 21:59

Self serving bullshit plans.

workadurka · 19/04/2015 21:59

Can I ask what job you do that you can do it from home part time and earn enough to support your family? (Sounds amazing!)

There are surely plenty of chores that a cleaner wouldn't do he could take on - sorting DD's clothes & shoes, getting stuff ready for new baby, shopping, washing, house admin, bills, sorting out toys etc.

Socialising your DC is an important responsibility for a sahp and this needs to be part of your discussions. He needs to take responsibility for her development so ensuring she has a balance of activities. Now while she's young it might not be so important but in a year's time she will be much more demanding.

But I'm afraid from what you've written he's a total cocklodger, or depressed?

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 22:01

Depressed, my arse.

The poor OP is from running herself ragged enabling him.

Ionone · 19/04/2015 22:01

For your working hours, he should be doing all childcare, producing all child-related meals (and his own), picking up to some extent after child/himself (totally reasonable for this to not be of a high standard provided the childcare is good but the house should not be a total tip at the end of your working hours - untidy OK, dirty not OK).

He should not be bothering you for anything other than an actual emergency. Child spills drink all over floor - no interruption. Child eats sharp piece of glass - totally fine to interrupt.

If child napping, then approx half that time should be a rest for him and the other half he can do some washing up or stack the dishwasher or any other chore that needs doing - if the naps are very short (mine only ever did 45 minute in one go for years) then OK for him to just have some downtime.

He should be planning activities for the child to some extent. Fine to just roll about in the garden/park and play, but not fine for child to be watching TV all the time (until there is also a small baby in the equation too in which case nobody reasonable would argue with a healthy dose of CBeebies). Maybe stipulate that he should be out of the house with DC for at least one or two mornings a week so you have peace and quiet sometimes.

However, you sound like you don't really trust him and are not completely sure that you want to be part of this. If that's the case, be careful of getting into a situation in which he is the main carer. He could then win custody if the relationship breaks down.

You really need to see a doctor if you are depressed. And you need to get it on record that you have so far done most of the childcare.

Duckdeamon · 19/04/2015 22:04

YANBU. You need legal advice with respect to the DCs' residency should you break up.

workadurka · 19/04/2015 22:04

Also - you are not the unreasonable one!

Anyone in his situation should be going out of their way to make life easier for you.

One of my friends DH wants to be the sahp. She is currently working p/t, he is looking for work. He cooks fantastic healthy meals, keeps the house pristine, does DIY etc during naps, does their life admin, to help show the value of him sahping to the family. They can't really afford it long term so a different situation but THAT'S what your picture should look like.

Jackieharris · 19/04/2015 22:05

Well based on your updates it sounds like you'd rather, and be better off ,on your own with the dcs.

I assume you can afford childcare for 2 with tax credits if you were on your own?

If you don't want him to be the resident parent when you split then don't co register the new baby with him. He can still go to court to get prr but that will take time and most men don't bother. Don't stay with someone you're obviously not happy with because of a false fear of losing residence of your dcs. Get some legal advice on this, rather than just from a forum.

christinarossetti · 19/04/2015 22:06

The childcare and chores during 5 hours of childcare are part and parcel ie set up activity/clear up, prepare lunch/clear up etc. Yes, he should definitely being doing this while you're working.

If he doesn't take your dd out of the house while he's looking after her, what does he do? I've got a horrible feeling that you're going to say sit on his phone/computer while she watches TV, but I hope that I'm wrong.

Getting a cleaner only works if it works for both of you - sounds like it will just cause you resentment and be another cost for you to be funding.

OP, your depression isn't an aside in all this. It's absolutely real and it's a horrible way for you to be feeling when pregnant and with a young dc, let along taking on all the financial responsibility of the household.

You really do need to do something now, or this situation will roll on and on until you completely go under.

Definitely start by defining and sticking to your working hours - do that tomorrow.

Ionone · 19/04/2015 22:16

By the way, when I went back to work after having a child, my partner was earning approx 4 to 5 times what I did. He did a full day of childcare every week because I wanted to work (though the money was just a nice extra rather than really needed). He did all the above stuff that people mention and more. The cooking wasn't great but he did his best and tried hard to learn to do better. He continues to do this kind of thing on a regular basis for our 8 year old (takes her to the park, swimming, to the cinema, whatever) because he recognises that as I do the bulk of the home admin and childcare, I deserve a rest sometimes. He works really really hard at his actual paid job and earns much more than 4 times what I earn now. But he continues to do these things because he wants me and DC to be happy. This is surely how any responsible partner and parent would behave?

Ionone · 19/04/2015 22:18

And if your partner wants a cleaner, he can get a job and fund it himself. We've never had one. DH has slightly higher cleanliness standards than I do but if he's unhappy with the state of the house, he gets the hoover/mop/duster out and does it himself.

Applecross · 19/04/2015 22:37

I wouldn't for one second trust a person that was doing so little for their oh who was working - no wonder you're depressed. if he was decent he'd be able to job hunt and look after dd now while you steamed ahead with work, the fact that you are exhausted and juggling now shows that any idea of him sah is never going to work. You know he's a p1ss taker, definitely don't let him be a sahp. Back your own gut instinct and all the evidence you've got to date.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 22:41

I'd see a solicitor, too. I'd definitely put your DD in childcare.

DH as a SAHP for 4 years. Did the childcare, most of the housework and meal preparation. We mucked in together when I was at home and I did all the admin and sorting out of stuff like clothes and planning activities, which he took both DDs to, and I did the meal planning and shopping on a Sat. morning as we lived walking distance to Lidl and supermarkets and I enjoyed it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2015 22:53

I don't actually think the cleaning and laundry are the issue. SAHPs look after the children, that is the essence and he isn't. You say he doesn't even feel comfortable looking after one child alone, what about two?

With one PT-working parent and one SAHP you should both be living the life of Riley. But you aren't, you're knackered. Because he's not pulling any of the weight.

Rinoachicken · 19/04/2015 22:57

YANBU

DH is SAHD to our two boys (5yrs and 16months). He does EVERYTHING. All the housework, laundry, cooking, childcare, the lot. He sees it a his job and so he does it like he would a paid job, no skiving. He loves it though and although it's been a massive learning curve for him he's risen to the task and made it a success and it means I work FT knowing the boys and the house are well looked after.

Anything less and it just doesn't work. Your DH sounds like he just wants to do what he likes all day, living the life of Riley with YOUR earnings and not doing anything in return.

It sounds like there is little mutual respect or trust in this marriage tbh - why are you still together if you don't mind me asking?

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