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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really want DP to become SAHD

138 replies

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 19:10

Basically I earn a lot more than DP and have been juggling work and my DD since she was born 15 months ago (I work for myself from home so it's been tough but completely doable).

DP was made redundant around 10 months ago and has done absolutely nothing to find another job since. He loves being at home with DD (I'm there too) and enjoys cooking, and general domestic things really.

We now have another baby on the way, so I was not planning on going back to work full time until the new baby is 1 year (my part time hours are still enough to support the family so this would be fine). DP has decided that he would like to remain at home after I've gone back to work full time. Our DD will just be starting pre school at that point, and new baby will be 1 and I was planning to find a childminder for her.

I had always wanted to be a SAHM but because I earnt more and then DP was made redundant I've worked my backside off trying to keep us all comfortable etc. DP knows full well that I would have loved to do this though.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DrFoxtrot · 19/04/2015 20:43

I think his proposal would only work if he was actually prepared to do the things a SAHP would do if you worked out of the house. If he finds it hard to be with DD on his own how is he justifying wanting to be a SAHP?

My XH was a SAHD for a period of time. He was a naturally lazy person and it gradually became a case of him taking the piss. I was working and doing the majority of the housework. There is more of a backstory but my point is, you know your husband and what sort of person he is.

Also, resentment builds up in situations like this. Would you start seeing him in a less favourable light, not providing for the family while seemingly having an easier life?

christinarossetti · 19/04/2015 20:43

There seems to be a number of issues at play here, which you and your dh need to discuss imminently:-

  1. That you have no 'set' working hours. I am based at home for work (although am out working at least one day a week) and the only way I can keep work tame is to have set working hours, including evenings. It's incredibly ineffective and tiring to work in the way that you describe. Yes, sometimes I receive a call and have to respond immediately, but most of the time I know whether or not I'm 'working' at that moment.
  1. That you do 90% of the childcare, although he is at home 100% of the time.
  1. That you want to be at home more and resent him not attempting to look for another job when he was made redundant, putting you in the position of being the sole earner.
  1. That when the new baby arrives, childcare needs will increase dramatically, along with less sleep etc. He needs to step up, and if he's not working outside of the home, he needs to be involved in childcare 24/7 pretty much, at least to start with.
  1. Your medium-term plans. Once your maternity leave ends, how are you going to organise work and childcare in a way that works for both of you.
  1. That there's a hell of a lot of domestic drudgery involved in having two young children. Being a SAHP whilst the other works full time entails taking on the lion's share of this.
StackladysMorphicResonator · 19/04/2015 20:45

He finds it hard being with your DD on his own yet wants to be a SAHD?? Hmm

I call cocklodger. Seriously.

DixieNormas · 19/04/2015 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

syne · 19/04/2015 20:47

So it's a case of not being able to trust him to do enough of the expected sahp stuff and if he's not going to actually be a shap then why have the pretense of it at all?

I'm in a 'similar' position, to your dh except that my dw works primarily out of the house, and I think if she worked at home she would commandeer a lot of the tasks that I do as a sahp. Whether I wanted her to or not, whether she 'had time' to or not.
If you don't do the hoovering etc will it get done at all?

It does seem however that your financially in a position to support his desire but would you be magnanimous enough to do so, what would be the conditions of that choice?

fiorentina · 19/04/2015 20:48

I understand exactly how you feel, having been in a similar situation.

My DH was made redundant whilst I was on mat leave, as was I. He made v little effort to find a new job, I did and got a new role straight away and went back to work FT when my child was 5 months to support us. He stayed at home studying whilst we had 3 days a week childcare. I won't lie, I felt jealous, as he did get a lot more time with the children as well as to himself. We had agreed pre DC that I'd have the opportunity to work less. It hasn't worked like that at all, I work FT still and see now way out, feel lots of pressure to keep earning and it's not that fun. But the kids are happy and well cared for and that's the main thing..!

sakura · 19/04/2015 20:49

YANBU
What many mothers don't realize is that the laws put in place to prevent women from becoming destitute are now being used against them in the name of equality.

Many women go out to work to support their partner and child then realise they cannot leave the marriage if they want to because the father will be awarded residency/custody of their baby on account of the fact he has been doing most of the care. They are then put in the impossible position of supporting a cocklodger indefinitely, when the mothers themselves would have liked nothing more than to take care of the child themselves and if they had the choice would give up their job in order to have full custody of their child.

So basically, you are taking a massive risk.

You need to both work part time and please don't think along the lines of "it would never happen to me". Nobody believes this shit will happen to them when they make the decisions they do. Plenty of men are happy to allow the mother of their children to "keep" them.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/04/2015 20:50

Struggling to work out how someone can be a SAHP if they can't cope with being alone with their child.

It would be like being a deep sea diver when you can't swim or an accountant if you don't like numbers or an artist when you struggle with being creative.

It seems to me that you two could have an absolutely fabulous life with a very rare utopia of lots of family time, a decent amount of time off for each if you and enough money.

If only your "d"h wasn't so blinking useless!

Ionone · 19/04/2015 20:51

christinarossetti has it all there. I second every word.

If you are to work and bring in all the money, then your husband needs to be in sole charge of the DC while you are doing this. You also need to have working hours - 9 to 4 three days a week, say, if part time is enough. During this time you are not to be interrupted for anything less important than an A&E trip. I also work from home and this does mean sometimes I am working when I shouldn't (eg school holidays) but by and large I have the hours I am prepared to work (for me it's 9 to 1 four days a week) and nothing gets in the way of that. In school hols, DD reads in bed across the landing from the office and draws/writes/plays etc and I do a couple of hours in the morning and a couple when she's in bed. But DH is out at work nearly all the time so I don't have someone else there to pick up the childcare. I don't get what he's doing all day if not childcare? Apart from cooking, which you mentioned.

base9 · 19/04/2015 20:52

If he wants to do the job of SAHD, he needs to do it well. Right now, you are looking after dd largely without his help. So a sahd is not required. He needs to find Paying work. If you are coping with the childcare and work, then maybe the only help you need to both work is a cleaner, which is far cheaper than childcare.

exLtEveDallasNoBollocks · 19/04/2015 20:53

Tell him you'll be happy for him to be a SAHD but if he does so then he has to take full responsibility for the child and home during normal working hours. Do your work somewhere that you cannot be disturbed by him or your DC and let him get on with it.

If he won't then he doesn't really want to be a SAHD, he just doesn't want to work - and he can do that from a bachelor pad.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 19/04/2015 20:55

OK, what would happen if for the next week, you left the house to work? Go to a cafe or somewhere, or the library, and leave him to it. Would he cope?

ItsADinosaur · 19/04/2015 21:01

If he struggles with looking after your dd by himself then he's not really going to be a sahd then is he? He needs to be doing all the childcare whilst you work. Else he needs to get a job.

It sounds like he just likes being at home, which is completely different.

Purplepoodle · 19/04/2015 21:03

Time to get firm. When u are in your office working set some rules that you cannot be interrupted and essentially your not their/don't exist in the home while working. If dd comes in swiftly take her back out and hand to dad and go back into office.

Write a list of list of daily chores he has to do and you have to do. Get him to take dd to toddlers or swimming ect while you work - perhaps arrange an activity they have to go out for every morning.

Iv been in your place and I was resentful that I was the sole bread winner and it was a lot of pressure

sleepyhead · 19/04/2015 21:03

If he wants to be a SAHD then this is the perfect time for him to give it a trial run.

Sit down together and make a plan of how, until dc2 is born, you're going to:

  • Fix your working hours with no interruptions except for breaks
  • Divide domestic and childcare responsibilities, eg he does it all while you're working, you split it the rest of the time
  • What his plan is going to be for looking after your dd to make sure he has a routine that suits them both and that they are out of the house/occupied in such a way that your work doesn't get disturbed.

If he gives it a go and enjoys it, bearing in mind that looking after a baby will have different challenges, and obviously having both before/after school and holidays is something else he's going to have to work out, then it would seem sensible for you to save the childcare money and for him to be a SAHD.

If he discovers that it's not actually for him then you can discuss how he's going to get work to help cover the childcare costs.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 21:16

10 months and he's done nothing to find a job, he takes a long time to do anything and you are still doing the lion's share of the childcare? You are still busting your arse to support everyone and he is still doing close to FA.

SAHD, my arse. Stay at home cocklodger, more like.

Original poster
notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 21:18

I really don't want to think of him as lazy or a cocklodger but maybe that's what he is.

The reason I wanted DC2 to start childcare when DC1 goes to preschool is because at least then I would be able to have those set hours to work. The thought of carrying on like this for years to come is pretty stressful to say the least, ans not sustainable - I'm already absolutely knackered, god knows what I'll be like when dc2 is born.

The thought of things not working out for us and him being awarded residence because he was the so called SAHP terrifies me. Sorry but it does. I don't want to be the sole earner, I find the pressure too much. I Feel like I've been pushed into it.

I am depressed I think (ok I know) but I have to keep going because things will fall apart otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 21:20

Sorry, the thought of him being awarded residence terrifies me because I don't want to be without my DCs. Being the sole earner is not something we discussed or planned but as a result I could lose out on living under the same roof as my children.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 21:21

the whole definition of a SAHP is that they run the household and organise childcare during working hours

if you will still see yourself doing that, plus doing the bulk of childcare for 2 dc despite working as well then he is trying to shaft you

what is confusing the situation ie. you is that you are working from home (he is very far from confused, I think)

this proposal would have to work assuming that the working party is out of the house...so, you get yourself an "office" and do not emerge from it during "working" hours or you change your pattern completely so you are away from the home for long swathes of time and he steps up properly

anything else is cocklodgery, and both of you know it

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 21:23

Then you need to tell him that his plan isn't going to fly. It should always be a joint decision for someone to become a SAHP. This isn't the case. This is him saying, 'I don't feel like working, so I'm going to use this baby as an excuse not to work outside the home.'

He's already shown you this. TEN MONTHS and no effort to find a job or step up by taking over the lion's share of the childcare?

He's pisstaking, OP. Sorry, but that's bollocks.

And all this, 'Can you help him find a job?' WTF?! He's an adult.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 21:24

In your specific situation, I would put both DC in childcare and insist he gets a job

You don't trsut him, do you ?

SAHP set ups (irrespective of gender) can only be mutually beneficial when there is ful trust that one partner won't take unfair advanatage of it

and you don't have that Sad

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 21:24

poor typing there, sorry, hope you got the gist

workadurka · 19/04/2015 21:29

Hmm.

I have a feeling even if you put your DC into childcare he still wouldn't get a job...

I think you need to "trial" him being sahd with you working specific set hours eachday/week. Can you work outside of the home or at least in a room that is shut away from the rest of the house?

Then you need to agree responsibilities around the house. I am guessing your DD naps so he could for example do one additional chore per nap eg clean bathroom, do online shop, do vacuuming.

If he won't agree even to a trial you've got problems...

DixieNormas · 19/04/2015 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

museumum · 19/04/2015 21:30

Start with set hours from tomorrow. Shut the office door. Put dh and dd out of your mind and work the morning.
Whatever you decide about whether your dh is going to find a job or not, right now you are the breadwinner so you need time and mental space to do that.
I know, I work from home too.

If your dh doesn't cope then there's your answer - he needs to get a job and your dd needs paid childcare.

Your current set up is ridiculous.