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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to this? (step gc/gc related)

148 replies

wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 12:09

My OH's mum wants to give DS (7 months) a cheque for Christmas and for me to set up a savings account for him. However, she doesn't want me to tell my DD (her step DGC). DD already has a CT fund (when government still paid £250) which my mum contributed to until she died last Christmas (DD is 9 so there's a small lump sum available to her when she's 18).

I don't know how to respond to this - my initial feeling is that she's being unfair to DD by favouring DS over her (after all, it wasn't DD's fault she got the CT fund and my mum contributed - sure she would have done the same for DS).

I don't know if it's the fact she doesn't want me to tell DD or that she's only doing it for DS. It doesn't feel fair or equal (but then, DD is only her step DGC ... although I don't think that matters a bit!).

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I do worry that DD is being pushed out by the arrival of DS with step in laws...

Confused and a bit Sad

OP posts:
Sn00p4d · 02/12/2014 12:17

I don't think you can expect her to contribute for a step gc. As unfair as that is.

My own step GPs contributed heavily to my brother and not to me, leaving thousands to him in their wills and nothing to me. It doesn't bother me I don't feel they owed me anything, despite me having been in their lives 20+ years. That's just the way of it really with many "blended" families. Does your dad not have GP on her fathers side?

I don't think yabu to feel a bit upset but I don't think it's appropriate to be annoyed about it.

Sn00p4d · 02/12/2014 12:17

DD not dad x

DidoTheDodo · 02/12/2014 12:18

I think it would be fair if both children ended up with the same amount in their savings when they are, say, 18. How you achieve that is for you to manage.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 12:24

DD has nothing to do with her biological father or family (with good cause). I hear what you're saying though. I guess I just feel a bit put out on her behalf. What about the not telling her bit? Can I be annoyed about that? Grin xx

Dido - I agree in principle, but circumstances aren't the same as when DD was born. I'm the earner for the family and we live on one wage. There simply isn't the money to set this up for DS yet. I'm minded to tell OH's mum to set up the account herself and pay into it herself if that's what she wants to do. Don't want to feel complicit in something I'm not comfortable with (but then we go back to why should I expect it!).

I've been with my OH for over three years. OH's mum has always treated DD well. This just seems to separate blood and step quite starkly for me.

OP posts:
Samcro · 02/12/2014 12:26

tell her that if she ants to do that, she can, but she can set it up herself and leave you out of it.

bouncinbean · 02/12/2014 12:31

I don't think the grandparents are being unreasonable in just giving money to your son, but there suggestion of keeping secrets is absolutely unreasonable. I wouldn't have any part of that at all.
In your situation I would top up as appropriate so both kids end up with about the same 'value' at age 18. (Obviously because of inflation etc. you don't have to be exact...) And it would be out in the open - no nasty secrets.

shakemysilliesout · 02/12/2014 12:38

I don't think grandparents are being unreasonable to want to give money to your son and not dd.

I would be honest about it because it's likely that it will come out if dd receives little/ no inheritance from grandparents (just guessing).

Your dd might be hurt by the truth but life, even in non blended families is not always fair. Ie. in upper class families boys often inherit ahead of older girls. Not fair but life.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 12:45

Some interesting perspectives. Guess I'm a bit of a "we're all in it together" sort of person. I'd like to think I'd do it differently, in the same circumstances.

OP posts:
shakemysilliesout · 02/12/2014 12:49

Not trying to be goady but if u and dh/ dp break up they might feel that they gave dd a lump sum and that she is no longer family as they won't have the connection through dp to you and dd any longer. They will always be connected to their grand son. Just trying to get in their heads not wind u up.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 12:53

But this is where I don't get it. I would expect my DP (and DP's family) to still have a relationship with DD if we split up.

OP posts:
notgivenupyet · 02/12/2014 12:55

I am part of a 'blended family' I have a DP who is Stepdad to our two boys and Dad to our daughter. His parents know they treat all of our children the same in every respect including financially or they will not be involved in our family. That was DP's choice. He considers them all his children and supports them all equally it is offensive to him if his parents don't respond in the same way. The boys birth family have no contact with their birth father (his choice) and his parents have chosen to pretend they don't exist also and I think it would change things if they had their own GPs who contributed money for them, but they don't. I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think its up to your OH to decide what is acceptable and talk with his parents.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 12:56

Thanks, bouncinbean. Think I'm going to go with your suggestion.

I feel a bit sad about it though (and I don't particularly want to spend Christmas with them now).

I just wish I could get over these things a bit more easily Sad.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 02/12/2014 13:00

OP, you can't expect your inlaws to treat a s-gc the same in the exact same way as a bio gc, sorry.

lets say your oh had a child from a previous relationship, and then got together with you, so they then had a s-gc. if they had saved £10k to give to their GC on their 21st, would you expect them to give the same to your child, to who they aren't even blood relations?

sorry but yabu.

would your EXPECT your mum to contribute to a s-gc?

KateMosley · 02/12/2014 13:02

I think logically you can't really expect the IL's to feel the same about the children. Your DS is biologically related to them and will have been in their lives since he was born. Your DD is not, and has has not been.

They will almost certainly never feel the same about your DD and I think it would be wrong to force it. They can still have a good relationship without you pushing all the time for it to be 'equal'.

pictish · 02/12/2014 13:03

I can see why you feel as you do, but yabu.

DixieNormas · 02/12/2014 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sn00p4d · 02/12/2014 13:09

Think that's a good idea op, tell her to set up the account herself and do as she pleases and you take no part in it. I Understand why she would do this for ds and not dd but I do agree it's not fair to involve you in it as that could be construed (wrongly) by your dd that you also favour ds and I would avoid anything that could come across that way.

You're definitely allowed to be annoyed at the secret keeping, I would have no part of it, my gran had a savings account in my name, it was her business and neither my mum nor myself had no clue what was in it until I turned 18, she didn't have an account for her step gc though!x

AdoraBell · 02/12/2014 13:09

As others have said, NBU to want to save/give money to her own grandson but highly U to expect you to keep it a secret from his sibling.

Tel her thank you for the offer and yes by all means go ahead and set it up and look after it for him herself.

LayMeDown · 02/12/2014 13:11

I dont think you can impose your view of 'we're all in it together' on extended family though. Of course you should expect that they treat your DD well but I dont know if you can reasonably expect that they feel the same way about her as they so about their own grandchild.

I mean how far to you extend it. It is a shame that DD isn't in touch with her parental grandparents but if she was aould you expect them to treat your DS the same as they did her?

I think they appear to be maintaining a nice relationship with your DD but you may need to accept that they don't quite share your views and to them there will always be a distinction between grandchild and step.

MaryWestmacott · 02/12/2014 13:11

I think you should ask your MIL if she would be happy for you to tell your DD that she got money from the government to set up a special savings account when she was DS's age, but because her brother was born after the government stopped doing that he doesn't have a special savings account, so GrannyMIL is going to open an account for DS and put some money in so it's more fair and they have the same when they grow up.

Say to your MIL you prefer not keeping secrets and being open about this sort of thing.

Realistically, because your DCs have different fathers, they have different extended families, your DC1 might not have anything to do with her bioDad and family, but that doesn't mean she wouldnt inherit anything from them in the future. She got to have a relationship with your DM that your DC2 didn't experience, and it sounds like she got money from your DM that your DC2 (and any subsquence DCs you have) won't do.

TarkaTheOtter · 02/12/2014 13:12

Normally I would say YANBU and they should treat their step -dgc the same as dgc. But in this situation they are actually making things more equal between your dc so I think it would be unfair to your son to decline.

Twooter · 02/12/2014 13:17

I don't think the secret bit is too bad though tbh. She is 9 - why should she know about money set aside for either of them yet?

BumGravy · 02/12/2014 13:18

If I was a step grandma and grandma I would give the same to all the children. If it was a selection box at Christmas or 100's of pounds.
I can understand why you feel hurt OP.

INickedAName · 02/12/2014 13:19

One set of my step grandparents ( step-mums parents) would give us a selection box but guve hundreds on my half brother who lived with dad and stepmum. To be totally honest I didn't give a shit about that, it was the attitude and intention and having it pointed out to us that the reason was being less important than my dad's other children because we didn't live with him. They could have given my half brother his money on Xmas day (they lived two doors away from dad and his wife and spent every Xmas together) and just not gotten us anything, I'd have been much happier with that, but no, they saved it for when we visited the week after..

The other set of step grandparents (step-dad's parents) treated us all equally, we all got the same wether we were her dgc by blood or not, most of their five dc had married several times and there were lots of kids so it must have been expensive for them, but they'd rather have given nothing to anyone rather than leave someone out.

What kind of relationship does dd have with Mil? Will she be getting her a gift of some kind? Is she a regular in your lives or someone you see every now and then? I think I can see where you are coming from and totally understand, in my case those that treated us fairly and equal also did that in their gift giving, those who treat us like inconveniences and unimportant used gift giving as another way to do this. Are you worried that this may be the start of something bigger? Only you can know if your MIL is like that or if she's simply wanting to make their savings equal. Can dd not be told that gran has given baby some money as she'll outgrow toys etc? I Dunno what the answer is, just wanted to say I understand.

BarbarianMum · 02/12/2014 13:19

It's a tough one but I don't think YABU.

I come from a blended family and it is complicated. But I think your MiL should be guided by your dp. So if he views and treats your dd like his own, and if her biological dad isn't on the scene, then the children should be treated alike (even if in her heart of hearts she feels more attachment to your ds). If your dd was very much in contact with her dad and your OH was very much the step dad then I'd feel differently.

Maybe your OH needs to have a heart to heart with his mum - not to criticise her but to make how he views his family clear .