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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to this? (step gc/gc related)

148 replies

wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 12:09

My OH's mum wants to give DS (7 months) a cheque for Christmas and for me to set up a savings account for him. However, she doesn't want me to tell my DD (her step DGC). DD already has a CT fund (when government still paid £250) which my mum contributed to until she died last Christmas (DD is 9 so there's a small lump sum available to her when she's 18).

I don't know how to respond to this - my initial feeling is that she's being unfair to DD by favouring DS over her (after all, it wasn't DD's fault she got the CT fund and my mum contributed - sure she would have done the same for DS).

I don't know if it's the fact she doesn't want me to tell DD or that she's only doing it for DS. It doesn't feel fair or equal (but then, DD is only her step DGC ... although I don't think that matters a bit!).

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I do worry that DD is being pushed out by the arrival of DS with step in laws...

Confused and a bit Sad

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/12/2014 13:22

I can't see why you would need to tell a 9 year old anything about this at all. It's not like she is involved in the family finances or any good could come of telling her.

It's not that unusual to make a gift of money for a baby when it is born. The fact she has waited until Christmas seems a little odd but so long as both children have something to unwrap on the day what does it matter?

Give mil your ds's birth certificate and let her open the account herself with her as the trustee. Then if you wanted you could consider what gifts mil has made and adjust any contribution you might make to your children's accounts (ie put a bit more in dd's and a bit less in ds's).

I think you are being unreasonable but you could easily find a compromise that suits you all.

LadyLuck10 · 02/12/2014 13:25

You are making issues for yourself by feeling you need to disclose this with your dd. Why does she need to be told this in the first place? It's not a bad secret in any way.
As you can see that yabu, and the gps aren't doing anything wrong but expecting a 9yr old to understand all this isn't necessary.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 13:31

I think me and notgivenupyet are rarities in this situation. DP also knew the score when we got together - DD would, to all intents and purposes - be his if we were going to be a family. I'd already gone NC with DD's dad and family (abusive and toxic) since she was 2. We happily trundled on for 3 years this way, then DS came along very unexpectedly in May. Don't suppose that changes things massively, but I worry that the logic of GPs feeling differently about the DC extends to DP too. It shouldn't (IMO) and doesn't (I hope).

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notgivenupyet · 02/12/2014 13:36

The stuff some have posted here is utterly bonkers..... Example quote.... "You cant expect the GP to feel the same way about their step- grandchildren as there 'blood grandchildren' "REALLY!!!? You are not blood related to your husband/wife, daughter/son inlaw, sister/brother inlaw but people can and do build strong loving relationships! Don't even get me started on adoptive parents! Should they expect not to love THEIR children because they are not blood? What utter, utter rubbish!

How does your OH feel about your daughter? If he loves her and raises her like his own, his parents should accept your daughter as their own and love and welcome her into the family.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 13:36

Quite right. DD doesn't need to know about finances. It was the fact that OH's mum asked me specifically to keep it a secret that made me feel a bit icky about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 13:39

I was going to casually mention to MIL that I could no longer financially support her DS anymore, given that he wasn't a blood relative Grin.

Obviously I'm joking, but it does illustrate your point not about how families work - blood or not. I'm going to hand this one over to DP.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/12/2014 13:41

I get that. I'd feel icky too about being expressly asked to keep it quiet. I'd also wonder what the motivation for saying that when it wouldn't even occur to me to say anything in the first place. Hopefully she's just clumsy rather than unkind.

Will they each have something to unwrap from mil on the day? If so and if mil didn't make a gift when ds was born I'd mentally separate Christmas and this money and treat them as two different things. Unless she plans to do it every year?? That would also be ok if she's taking over what your mum would have done had she still been around so that they get the same in the end.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 13:45

I'm sure they'll both get something on the day - as I said upthread, DD has been in their lives for over 3 years and she's always been included. It's this particular issue, the secrecy and the (perceived) separateness/separation of the DC I'm having issues with. But, when pp give me their opinions, it helps (although I obviously like the opinions given by notgivenupyet best!). xx

OP posts:
kali110 · 02/12/2014 13:49

I think that is sad.
If your dp treats and thinks of your dd as his dd then just because she isn't blood makes no difference. Both children should be treated equally.

WeirdCatLady · 02/12/2014 13:54

It's her money and she can do what she pleases with it. But you don't have to be involved. I wouldn't be keeping anything secret from your dd. If she wants to open up an account then she should do it, and not involve you in it.

I think it's a shame that she feels she wants to treat your children differently though.

needaholidaynow · 02/12/2014 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

financialwizard · 02/12/2014 13:58

wish funnily enough I am in a similar situation to you. Only I have a DSS and a DS from a previous marriage. My parents treat DSS as they do my DS and DD (who is mine and my husbands). My PIL don't even buy my DS (their SGC) a Birthday or Christmas card. It infuriates me because my DS was 6 when my husband and I got together and my exh has very little (think 2 times a year) contact with my DS. So my DS is very much the 'son of' my husband, PIL's son.

My DS is now of the age where he notices everything (teenager) and is beginning to get upset by it. I mean wtf am I supposed to say?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/12/2014 14:00

Secrets no. Its not decent behaviour.

But the money well your DD is not their GC your DS is.

financialwizard · 02/12/2014 14:02

What need says about inheritance is tricky. My parents have left everything to me and my will states that my estate (assuming husband is dead) will be split between all 3 children, even though DSS has never lived with us he is still one of 'ours' if that makes sense. In my house it doesn't matter if you are the same blood or not. I love the bones of DSS even though he is a little swine atm......flaming teenagers...

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 14:16

I'd like to think I'd be the same financialwizard.

Of course it's MIL's money to do with as she wishes, but if her decision potentially makes one of the DC feel bad, I have to consider what the best options are.

It's hard to unknow things though isn't it? She's already made her intentions clear and even if I wash my hands of it and tell her to sort it herself, I still know that she feels differently about them.

Or, as has been said upthread, maybe she is trying to make things equal, but didn't express it very well.

It's really making me not want to spend Christmas with her (silly I know).

OP posts:
Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 14:29

I think you should cut her some slack. SGPs can often feel they're in a very awkward position vis a vis SGC. There is really no reason why she would set up a savings account for your DD, but at the same time she probably doesn't want to make her feel bad by knowing that she's set one up for her grandson. She just wants to do it discreetly and not make a thing of it in front of your daughter.

QueenofallIsee · 02/12/2014 14:57

I think you are being quite hard on your MIL. Your posts seem to say that they have never excluded your DD. They treat her equally in day to day life and I think that is really what most people could ask for. When it comes to matters of inheritance, things are often different in blended families and though it would be nice to say that it doesn't matter, there is a difference to many people between a blood Grandchild being born and that bond from the outset and a lovely step grandchild joining their family at 5 or 6 that they grow to love. Unless she is a known PITA, your MIL is probably not trying to be secretive in a bad way but in a way that says 'I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so its on the quiet but this is what I always intended to do for my first Grandchild'. She is not really being unfair in my opinion- as much as you would like everyone who comes along to love your children equally, its really not that simple for everyone

My DD was 4 when I met DP and I have 3 more children with him. I don't expect that my DD is left money from the family estate when his parents pass away for instance, any more than I expect them to retrospectively purchase a 'babies first xmas' bauble that they bought for each of the others. I know that my sons are named in the will though - it doesn't strike me as unfair to DD and my only issue would be if she was made to feel bad. She doesn't and wouldn't because she 'gets' that we are an extended, complex family. DP and I recognize her equally in our Wills and that is sufficient in my opinion

grannytomine · 02/12/2014 15:03

I have one gc who got the government money and 2 who didn't. I aim to give the two younger one the same amount to make it fair. No step involved, just don't like the younger two being at a disadvantage.

daisychainmail · 02/12/2014 15:06

I think it's different depending on the individual circumstances. I was brought up in a household by my dad and stepmother with her kids. One of my grandmothers gave us each the same £10 at birthday/xmas but left me lots in her will and them nothing. My other grandmother (mum's mum) never met them. Their paternal grandmother never sent me anything or met me, and their other gm was dead. Their aunt treated us all equally, my uncle and aunt didn't send them money and did me (though did send them cards and the odd present)!

In all these scenarios nobody minded, and even though we grew up together we had quite a clear sense of coming from different family backgrounds. Any crossover was a bonus. We had totally different amounts at 18. Nobody minded. However I think we will row if our parents' will makes one of us lose out.

I have stepkids and my parents would certainly never give them a large amount of cash, they'd give them a small present. My stepkids don't live with me though and so I am a very marginal character. It's complicated!!

As an aside I think from your original post that you are missing your mum if she died this time last year and your step-gp is making you remember how kind your mum was and how she was an extra support figure for your DD. That's natural, and I'm sorry for your loss. xx

daisychainmail · 02/12/2014 15:09

P.s.

On the other side though my BIL was brought up in a blended family in which it was insisted all the kids were the same, and though they have different parentage they have the same grandma, aunts uncles etc. There is no divide. I think this was done by the parents insisting it was like this, and refusing to accept disparities. But then that was much more like your situation, i..e the first lot's other parent had disappeared and the step-parent became their main and only second parent.

You can always spell out to step-gm how it's going to be, but your DP has to agree with your stance. Does he?

RunnerHasbeen · 02/12/2014 15:10

I think it is different when your DP is the only father your DD has than if she was still in contact with her dad. If she had her own paternal GPs and they gave her things, then that would make what your MIL is doing fine. As it is, I think it is unfair, your DP treats your DD as his. I would use the line about evening up the trust fund and try to keep the amounts of money similar in both.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 15:24

Okey dokes. I asked if I was BU for being annoyed that she asked me to keep it a secret. I think the general consensus is that it was a bit off. I appreciate what people are saying about their particular experiences/opinions and it has helped me to see the other side (although I don't agreed/idealistic moi?).

Actually, people mentioning inheritances and family estates and so on has put things into perspective for me. We're only talking about a post office account with a few quid chucked in I think!

It is complicated, but I'm worrying too much. MIL can open an account and pay into it as and when she wants to. I'll give her £500 to bung in to it before DS reaches 18 to make things fair in terms of what DD got from government. I'm an old bird anyway, so possibly won't be here for the fallout in any event! If she starts to treat DD differently for other things, I'll call her on that.

I will go for Christmas, but I'm not doing special sprouts so nyer.

OP posts:
NewNamePlease · 02/12/2014 15:29

YABU, they've only known her three years! Just because you love them equally doesn't mean your mil has to. Why would you deny your son an investment from his grandmother. And if you were to give dd the same money it would be you treating your own children unequally. They are both your children but only DS is biologically a GC.

She's known dd a third of her life this is very different than a grandchild you've known since birth.

NewNamePlease · 02/12/2014 15:30

Why can't she treat her grandchild differently to her son's wife's kid? You can't force her to feel like she is her grandmother if she doesn't feel it.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 15:30

Daisy - yes, he agrees but he's a bit waffy and wouldn't want to speak to his DM about it for fear of offending. Never mind I'm getting all het up about it! We are a family. DD has nothing to do with anyone connected to/with her biological dad (there has been abuse in the past).

As far as DD is concerned, DP's relatives are her's (she's even trying to call DP's ex BIL's new gf's unborn her cousin in law! Work that one out!). I feel so sad for her sometimes xxx

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