To object to this? (step gc/gc related)

[wishmiplass]

My OH's mum wants to give DS (7 months) a cheque for Christmas and for me to set up a savings account for him. However, she doesn't want me to tell my DD (her step DGC). DD already has a CT fund (when government still paid £250) which my mum contributed to until she died last Christmas (DD is 9 so there's a small lump sum available to her when she's 18).

I don't know how to respond to this - my initial feeling is that she's being unfair to DD by favouring DS over her (after all, it wasn't DD's fault she got the CT fund and my mum contributed - sure she would have done the same for DS).

I don't know if it's the fact she doesn't want me to tell DD or that she's only doing it for DS. It doesn't feel fair or equal (but then, DD is only her step DGC ... although I don't think that matters a bit!).

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I do worry that DD is being pushed out by the arrival of DS with step in laws...

and a bit

Blood ties can mean nothing, but I think when it comes to children they do me a quite a lot.

I have a lot more love for some of my for ds than I do some of my family, because because they are my chosen friends for whatever reasons are important to me. With a child in the family, you are expected to love them regardless of what their personality may be like simply because they are a blood relation. People who are in your life because you've chosen to have them there are not the same as people who are in your life because you have a biological link.

People do adopt all the time, but a lot more people go for fertility treatment because the blood tie is important to them and that's understood by most.

I get you.

My mil treats my children from my first marriage very differently than her bio gc. The step gc don't remember a time when she wasn't in their life, she has known them since they were tiny so in their eyes she is nanny. They don't understand why they aren't loved the same when their step dad loves them just as much as he loves his bio children.

I don't understand it either. It has caused no end of problems. Of course I could never force her to love them the same, but we did end up putting down some rules so the differences weren't so in their face.. like bringing more presents for the bio gc than the step etc.

Previously they got money and gifts from their dad but he died a year ago and the children with my current husband stand to get a hell of a lot more financially in the future now which worries me. By then I guess they will be able to understand more, although I am an adult and still can't really understand how you can be a part of a child's life for years and still not love them as much simply because they aren't blood.

My husband has always treated them like they are his own and loves them like they are his own. There is no difference between his love for any of them, it amazes me that mil can feel so differently. Or at least be happy enough to let it show. Her bio gc go round her house often, the step gc never get invited.

Oh and half siblings? no. They are siblings.

My dad and I are related by adoption. I met him when I was 2, he married my mum when I was 4, and he adopted me when I was 5. I have a younger brother and sister, and we have never been treated differently by my dad or his family, nor have I felt differently about grandparents on both sides etc. Adoption is quite a statement of intent when it comes to family relationships of course. There is no confusion about how my dad views me!

I guess it's all down to how people feel. I think that I could absolutely love a child who wasn't a blood relative, even more so because many are so vulnerable and need that love, they wouldn't have a chance if it weren't for a loving adult to come into their life. To me it's rather fickle to love more because of blood ties.

I think in part that's what I'm saying though, you don't get to choose your blood relatives, but in this situation the ops dp chose to the op and her dp.

I understand that some people may struggle to feel the same about a step relative, but as an adult I think in general the adult should behave as though the children are equal.

In the ops situation the dd has lost her father and all of her family on her fathers side because of their behaviour, she's lost her grandmother too. She now has a baby brother and the chance of a new extended family and I think it's totally unnecessary to make reference to 'half' brother or treat them differently in terms of Xmas presents.

It doesn't really matter how they feel their son/brother has chosen to become a family with this lady and her dd it's the next best thing to adoption.

Great post Pyjamaramadrama.

My step dad has only been in my life since I was an adult and he treats me and my sister no differently to his own children. He treats our DCs as if they were his own. There is no way he would treat them unfairly.

I think as pp have said you should make sure it's even for both however I think your DH needs to establish what is acceptable as it is likely to get worse as DS gets older and if you have more children.

OP - another question that might influence the 'half sibling' view - does your DD call your DP "Dad" or by his name? Does she call MIL "Granny/Nan" or by her name? If she calls them Dad and Granny, then perhaps it will be more surprising and hurtful that others don't see them in that role with her. (If she calls them by their names, it will sadly reinforce that she's not their biological relation to others hearing it, particularly when DS starts saying Daddy)

Ive also found with extended families, they tend to see step-children as much more part of the family if the step-parent and bio-parent are married.

Yes and if they live together. My parents would find it hard to see my DSC who don't live with us and often refuse their fortnightly visit as their gc.

I have always considered my brothers and sister half siblings, as they were adults when I was born and we did not grow up together. I guess it's different if they did. I think it's a good idea just to let your partners mum set up tge account herself and put money in it!

It's up to you how you envisage your family - there's no right or wrong. I wouldn't scare off any potential benefactor! You can always secretly even things out later on.

My Dad got three step children, four step grand children and a step great grandchild on his marriage to my step mum, that's in addition to my brother and I and our children. He and his wife have made is abundantly clear that everything is split five ways between me, bro and the step siblings and it will be equally done. I have no idea if dad has any money but I admire his no nonsense no favouritism approach.

I think this is quiet sad and don't blame you for been upset op. It comes across as though your mil is asking you to set up the account in order to be able to say you were happy to go along with the whole set up. It's possible she wants to give your ds the same advantage saving wise as his sister but she should have made that clear and asking you to keep this a secret is strange.
I would also agree with telling her to set it up herself.

As for the half sister comment that's really not nice. I'm not sure how two siblings who are brought up in the same family or brought up with a close relationship with each other could ever be referred to as half siblings. I would always refer to them as brothers/sisters it's up to them when they're older to make the distinction if they so choose. I'd nip that in the bud, that's for sure. I think it's time your Dp was a bit more vocal about dd been his family too.

Yanbu. I can see why you are upset. It seems that you thought you were all one family and the actions of the Gps demonstrate a difference in their affiliations.
I can see how it might be more justifiable for them to show a "preference" if your DD if her biological family were involved in her life, but as they are not I can see why you might feel disappointed.
Sadly though, I expect this issue is not uncommon. I think parents often have high expectations of blended families but for the children and extended families it can be quite different.
Why not talk to them about your feelings? Given that your DD has a trust fund they might feel that its perfectly fair to redress the balance. In matters other than this you might find their actions much more equal.
After all, your dd has a trust fund that was contributed to by her GM (sorry for your loss) and perhaps its perfectly fair that your ds has savings too.

My mum just did something similar for my DS and not my DSS, which I think is fine but I would feel uncomfortable if she wanted me to keep it a secret.
One half sibling has a set of grandparents and the other has a different sets of grandparents and that is fine, your MIL doesn't need to take the place of your DD's grandma now she has died, and it is normal for your MIL to want to do something special for your DS. I think a 9+ year old would understand that as long as it isn't rubbed in their face in a cinderella-ish manner (an xbox for christmas for gc, a satsuma for sgc).
I would feel like if my mum did something like this for my stepson, it would be one of those 'treading on toes' issues. My grandma (so, DS's great grandma) started calling my stepson one of her great grandchildren as soon as she met him (he was 6 then). While she was well meaning, I felt my stepson probably felt a little uncomfortable because it comes across as pushy. I also think it's dismissive of his relationship with his GPs on his mums side but maybe that's just me. I feel if my mum started assuming position of grandma to him then he would feel equally uncomfortable IYSWIM.

Dd calls mil granny (at mil's request). She calls dp by his name because she's adamant she won't call him dad until we're married.

Thanks for your views. It's given me a lot to think about and how I want to take things forward.

I don't understand why it would make the bio gp uncomfortable to be honest.

My mum would just be happy that they were well loved from mil. It would take nothing away from her to have her gc have a gp/gc relationship with their step gps.

Our view has been the more people to love the better, the more grandparents the better.

I have DS1 from first marriage and DS2 from second. PiL have always treated DS1 exactly as DS2 - he's been in their lives for 25 years. However, I would not expect them to leave him a legacy and wouldn't consider it U if they chose not to - he has another set of blood GPs who should do that.

I've been with DH 6 years. PiL have never bought a birthday or Christmas gift for DD. Though GMiL did buy her some chocolate when DS was born and they all arrived with gifts for him.

DD does have some contact with her DF and his family so I guess it evens out a bit - funnily enough ex and his family always buy gifts for DS too, not the same value they spend on DD but I always appreciate the thought.

I think (in our case) it's a bit sad PiL don't see DD as part of their family given she's very much part of their son's family. DH would happily adopt her officially but none of us want to severe her ties to her DF - he's pretty useless 99% of the time but he is still her father (DD would argue that DH is much more of a father to her).

Then again PiL aren't terribly interested in any of us, they've never bought me a gift either but they put money in a card for DH and tell him I can share it .

As for the OP I think it's ok for Mil to open an account for your DS but you shouldn't have to keep it secret and you should try and make sure both children end up with a similar amount at 18. I also agree that they should treat your DD as part of the family - since she is. Maybe your DP needs to make it clear to them that he sees her as his daughter and wants her to be treated that way.

The half-thing... I have half-siblings and call them half-siblings. If I were to tell you I have 8 siblings you'd wonder how young my mother was when she started!!

It's really not as offensive as you feel it is, and it doesn't belittle their relationship, it just explains it (DD being much older than DS for example).

I think perhaps you should ask yourself why it's bugging you so much. You should not be ashamed of the fact your DD and DS have different biological father's. It is a simple and correct label. Or is your reaction to it simply a reflection of your fear that now your DP has an "actual" child your DD will be excluded and treated poorer and so you're seeing that in every action?

I personally think it's important to use those label's freely and without shame so your DD doesn't feel she out to feel shame that she's not the daughter of your DP and your DS's father...

Your DP is her dad and her step-day, your DS is her brother and her half-brother. Which she uses and when doesn't change anything.

Note: I called my SIL my SIL once and was told later her friend found it rude that I felt the need the clarify the "in-law" part... explain to me how her "sister" has an accent and she doesn't then.. unnecessary to exclude the "in-law" and breed speculation.

I personally hate the word half.. only half a sibling. It probably comes from the fact that while in this house my dh doesn't love any of them differently certain people in the family have tried to convince him he can't possibly love his non bio children the same as he loves his bio ones.

They may have different dads, and I am in no way ashamed of that but they are siblings, no half about it. Blood means very little to me.

I have 14 siblings (that I know about for sure) I might mention that we have different fathers so it doesn't look like my mum has been that busy when I am talking about them to people who don't know the situation but I would never call them half siblings in real life.

My children all came from me. They live together, there is no difference between any of them. If anyone called them half siblings I would tell them to fuck off. There is simply no need to call them half siblings, everyone knows they have different dads but the relationship between them all is absolutely no different.

Regarding the pp it's obviously a bit different if all the children came from you (as you say) or not. That my DSD is my dd's half sister makes perfect sense to me as a) DSD isn't a blood relation of mine/I didn't give birth to her and b) she doesn't live with us so they aren't growing up together.

YY to U2TheEdge's last paragraph. They both came from me - so there's no half about it. I think it unnecessary to use the word half. What possible need for distinction is there? It's very easy to say it's just a word or that it's factually correct, but if that was said in front of DD, how would she feel? A grown up saying such a thing to a child is cruel IMO.

I did post previously about this situation when I was pg with DS. I was worried that his arrival would impact on DD's self-esteem and how the ILs would treat her once he was born. I was pretty much told the same thing: she's not blood/you can't expect ILs to love her as much and so on.

I kind of took it on the chin at the time, but on reflection I'm really not happy with the situation and I won't have one child favoured over the other (and I'm not talking finances only). Regardless of semantics and dynamics, they're both MY children.

I'll be talking to DP about this soon. He needs to step up and make his feelings about this known to his DM (and if he doesn't share my feelings then I will need to review our relationship).

As for the savings account, as I've said before, MIL can set this up herself and she can make it even to DD's value for when DS turns 18 (after all, my DM paid into my DD's, not me). I won't be complicit in keeping secrets from my DD.

DD is my priority in this situation and I have to look at the world from her perspective and safeguard her happiness and feelings of security and attachment.

In short, the family need to get on board with this, or fuck off.

And yes, I have got myself into a bit of a lather about it

Until you are married then I see it as perfectly fine that she treats ds differently. I'd just make sure both kids have the same at 18 by personally making up the difference.

Once you are married then I think there is a distinct difference. You are then a family properly. You need a conversation then about both of them ending up with the same amount of money. Hopefully that will make a difference to her. If not then you can justify things by saying mil is trying to make it fair because your dm can't do the same for ds, but that they will both eventually end up with the same however that amount is arrived at.

Pmsl at they're not a proper family until they're married. This is 2014 many people choose not to marry.

Op I'd just ignore most of the advice you've had on this thread about blood ties and marriage. Your dds feelings are your priority and rightly so, your children are half nothing they are brother and sister and your in laws need to put any feelings to one side and take you all as a package.

Best of luck.