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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to this? (step gc/gc related)

148 replies

wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 12:09

My OH's mum wants to give DS (7 months) a cheque for Christmas and for me to set up a savings account for him. However, she doesn't want me to tell my DD (her step DGC). DD already has a CT fund (when government still paid £250) which my mum contributed to until she died last Christmas (DD is 9 so there's a small lump sum available to her when she's 18).

I don't know how to respond to this - my initial feeling is that she's being unfair to DD by favouring DS over her (after all, it wasn't DD's fault she got the CT fund and my mum contributed - sure she would have done the same for DS).

I don't know if it's the fact she doesn't want me to tell DD or that she's only doing it for DS. It doesn't feel fair or equal (but then, DD is only her step DGC ... although I don't think that matters a bit!).

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I do worry that DD is being pushed out by the arrival of DS with step in laws...

Confused and a bit Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 15:32

Newname... er. okay.

OP posts:
Honsandrevels · 02/12/2014 15:32

I had step grandparents and can see both sides. My step dad's parents treated my older brother and me just like my younger brother (their biological gc). When they died I inherited the same (small) amount as the other grandchildren (my older brother had died) I was really touched.

When my real dad's parents died (my dad had died years before) I inherited 2/3 more than my younger brother. Still not huge amounts of money but I suppose the reason for the unequal amounts was due to my dad not being around and unable to 'provide' for us in the future.

As long as your dd's grandparents treat her equally on a day to day basis I wouldn't worry about the money. Just let her set it up and don't let it worry you.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2014 15:33

Exactly samco. Tell her to set up a bank account herself for him which she contributes, not to involve you!

Pyjamaramadrama · 02/12/2014 15:41

I think yanbu.

If your dd was in contact with her dad and grandparents on her dads side then I would say fair enough. But as it stands she's missing out on a whole other side of the family. She is just a child and whether they feel more for their grandson, they should still put that to one side and treat them equally. You are a family and you all live together.

I'm having a baby with dp, same age gap as you describe and I will expect his family to treat ds equally to the baby.

If I were you I'd tell her you're a family and that you don't keep secrets from your family, and that if she wants to do this for ds fine, but you're staying out of it.

Pyjamaramadrama · 02/12/2014 15:46

Op I absolutely see where you're coming from. I'm in an almost identical situation. Ds will be almost 7 when the baby is born, no contact with his real dad, been with dp since ds was one.

It breaks my heart everything ds has missed out on.

Blood ties shouldn't matter imo, your dp chose you with your dd as part of the package. And sealed the deal by having a ds with you. If a person adopted a child people would expect the child to be treated as a blood relative.

I don't think it's worth falling out with your in laws over but I'd stand my ground on not keeping secrets from dd.

Bohemond · 02/12/2014 15:47

I had step grandparents; was adopted by their son after my father died when I was very young. In my view I was very fairly treated by them even though I knew that my cousins were given much more in life and on death. It didn't even cross my mind that we would be treated the same. Of course my grandparents on my fathers side were also around.

It is not your MIL's fault that your DD's family including father are crap so I do not think she is being unreasonable especially only 3 years into a relationship.

Pyjamaramadrama · 02/12/2014 15:50

Newnameplease what a horrible thing to say.

Life and families are often about accepting new people into the fold, innocent children don't ask to be put into these situations and as an adult you should fake it until you make it.

Is it ok for the ops dp to treat his biological child more favourably than his step dd?

Pyjamaramadrama · 02/12/2014 15:55

It's not the mil's fault but any adult with compassion should realise all that the little girl is going to miss out on and how it might be to see her BROTHER being treated more favourably than her.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 16:08

Me and DP had a whole conversation about half brothers/sisters (DP's sister had called DD - DS's half sister). I was a bit taken aback because they're both mine and as far as I'm concerned, full brother and sister (technically though, they are half even though out of same womb!).

But to think DP's sister would even say this made me really Angry Hmm.

None of this has really been an issue up until the arrival of DS. I think they're kind to DD. I just worry that she's going to be excluded or miss out because she's not of their blood (god I hate that phrase).

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 02/12/2014 16:23

Thing is, OP, as much as you see them as equally your children, they aren't equally your DP's children, one is his biological child and if you split up, he would have legal responsibilities and rights to access, the other is not and he would not have legal responsibilities or rights to access. They are half siblings, that's not a term that just means children that live in different houses with different mothers but the same fathers. In blended families, few use that term now, but it's worth remembering.

Even though you say your DD will have nothing to do with her biological Dad and his family, that doesn't mean she won't inherit from them (and quite frankly, it won't be down to you to do anything about that).

See this as your MIL evening up the lack of trust fund for your DS and lack of funding from your DM, see it in terms as equal in that way.

Holdthepage · 02/12/2014 16:27

Are they The Royal family OP, because unless they are I wouldn't worry about it. I have a half brother, same DM, different DF, it really doesn't matter very much in the grand scheme of things. I am sure your DCs won't care very much, don't go looking for things to take offence over.

PortofinoVino · 02/12/2014 16:28

So she's evening out the situation so her GS gets the same as her DSGD in the end (doesn't matter who it came from)? I can't see anything wrong with it.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 16:32

I understand the terminology and legalities around responsibilities/rights to access etc (although you are making assumptions about who DP has PR for); it's just I'd never even thought of them as half siblings until his sister brought it up. Seemed a bit tactless to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 16:34

Neither do I when it's put like that Grin. It was about how it was approached I guess. I shall try to not take offence even though I will seethe quietly

OP posts:
CrunchySlippers · 02/12/2014 16:46

try not to be upset, even though you feel your DD is being left out. I had to put my sister on something at work (and prove who they are) and i was talking about names etc, and how she had a different father and i got "OK, I have changed XXXXto half sister please ensure you choose the correct relationship otherwise we will be asking for proof that wont apply to that person/relationship." - Shes not half a sister, shes my bloody sister!!!, she just has a different deadbeat dad to me!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2014 16:47

Wish it's not, my dad was married before and had chikdren from tgat marriage, I have from an early age known they are my half siblings as we have different mothers. It's just a term.

NewNamePlease · 02/12/2014 16:57

Not exactly sure what horrible thing I said pyjama, I was honest with my opinion. I'm from a "blended" family myself. You can't force relationships, They have to happen naturally. And yes I see no reason why anyone wouldn't favour their own child over their partners. Not in an obvious fillet steak for you and scraps for you way but in a feelings way. Again it's been three years he hasn't raised the dd from infant to adult.

Your children are half siblings, however angry this makes you, this doesn't mean they are any less close than full siblings.

Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 16:57

I KNOW! I have a half sister in Germany (dad had an affair when stationed there). I've never met her, but if I were to look for her I'd say I'm trying to trace my half sister. I also have a brother who had a different dad and who lived with us, but I don't think of him as my half brother because we have the same mum. It's just the way I think about things, not saying I'm correct.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 17:01

Newname - then why would it be necessary for his sister to use the phrase? I think it's divisive personally. And now I'm getting a little more upset... perhaps this isn't the blended family I want after all!

OP posts:
Mmmporridge · 02/12/2014 17:03

I haven't RTT I'm afraid, but I'd advise setting up a children's ISA for your DS, which is equivalent to the old trust funds - let your MIL give you money to put in it. Both children will then have an account for when they're 18, and you can keep an eye on it and make sure the funds in it are broadly similar. It doesn't really matter where the funds have come from.

I get why it hurts though.

Coyoacan · 02/12/2014 17:15

In an ideal world, with ideal people, the grandparents wouldn't make any distinction, but your dd is actually very fortunate in having such loving step-grandparents, so I would not make a big issue of it, or tell your dd at the moment.

I was very lucky in my ex's parents, who were always very kind, generous and caring to my dd, but I knew that if I had any more children by another father, they would have been totally excluded. People are good, not perfect.

Pyjamaramadrama · 02/12/2014 17:21

Wishmiplass perhaps just ask the sister not to refer to them as half siblings. I would also get upset if somebody referred to my ds and the baby as half siblings. I know they have different dads, but as far as I'm concerned they'll be brothers/bro & sis and that's all there is to it.

Half seems to imply less.

My mum and her siblings have different fathers, but they won't have themselves referred to as half siblings, as far as they're concerned they all came from the same womb and are as much brothers and sisters as anybody else.

Also biology doesn't seem to mean a lot when the person hasn't been around for years and has done bugger all.

DaisyFlowerChain · 02/12/2014 17:22

I think YABU, your first dd is not their grandchild and already has a fund from your family. If her dad was still on the scene, she would be getting twice the Christmas presents etc and I can't imagine you'd insist the ex buy for your other child.

Half siblings have different families. Your mil should be able to save for her grandchild if she wishes, it's a bonus if she does it for another child that is no relation to her.

WooWooOwl · 02/12/2014 17:38

You seem to think that everyone else should feel the same way as you do, or the same way as you want them to, and it's just not going to happen.

You can have a perfectly happy and successful blended family, but not if you try to pretend that everyone is a full blood relation when they aren't.

Your SIL and your PILs aren't going to love a child created by two complete strangers (as you were at the time if your dds birth) as much as they love a child who was born to their own son and brother, and it's unfair and unreasonable of you to expect that they should.

There is nothing wrong with having half siblings, so you have no need to be offended by your SIL stating the truth. It can only hurt you if you have your own negative feelings about the fact that your children have different birth fathers, otherwise it's just a fact that doesn't matter for any real reason.

It sounds like your mil just didn't want to hurt your dds feelings by not telling her, and that's fine.

Pyjamaramadrama · 02/12/2014 17:45

I'm quite shocked at the responses on this thread.

People adopt children all the time including older children, I would hope that their parents love them just as much as a biological child.

If the ops partner adopted her dd would people feel differently?

Blood ties can mean nothing sadly, it's the people who are a part of your life that matter.