To object to this? (step gc/gc related)

[wishmiplass]

My OH's mum wants to give DS (7 months) a cheque for Christmas and for me to set up a savings account for him. However, she doesn't want me to tell my DD (her step DGC). DD already has a CT fund (when government still paid £250) which my mum contributed to until she died last Christmas (DD is 9 so there's a small lump sum available to her when she's 18).

I don't know how to respond to this - my initial feeling is that she's being unfair to DD by favouring DS over her (after all, it wasn't DD's fault she got the CT fund and my mum contributed - sure she would have done the same for DS).

I don't know if it's the fact she doesn't want me to tell DD or that she's only doing it for DS. It doesn't feel fair or equal (but then, DD is only her step DGC ... although I don't think that matters a bit!).

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I do worry that DD is being pushed out by the arrival of DS with step in laws...

and a bit

You simply cannot have two small children being brought up in the same house as siblings being treated differently by the adults in their lives.

It might be different if your dd was spending half the week with her dad so meaning she had that connection with her other family, but she doesn't, she has only you, dp and her baby brother.

Forget all this 'that's not the in laws fault', it's not about fault it's about making an innocent child feel valued and wanted as much as her brother.

When people feel like those expressed on here it's no wonder so many children are rotting in care when people seem to only want to look after their own.

Well, in my SIL's family, one of her DBs had a relationship with a woman who had DCs from a previous relationship. His relationship with her lasted over 6 years, but then they split up, SIL's Mum hasn't seen those DCs since.

I can see why many are reluctant to fully see blended families as a unit until married or had DCs together.

And also they are often trying to work out how to do this new role of 'Step-Grandparent'. There's a lot less divorce in the generation above us, and a lot fewer people having children without being married or from more than one father, many older people have role models from when they were parents about how to be grandparents, but not many how to be step-grandparents.

(and the most famous Step-Grandmother of the Queen has yet to invite Camilla's children to even join Christmas day - she's not slagged off in the press for not inviting them, it's accepted Camilla's children aren't part of the family.)

Pyjamaramadrama - except they currently are in a way, one child has a trust fund that one of her grandparents paid a lot of money into, the other doesn't. The MIL would be making it fairer to give the DGS a saving account too.

My MIL had money set aside for DSD1&2 in a savings account in her name when DH split from XW. He met me and had DS (closer in age to Dsd's) but the same wasn't done for him. Her logic was my parents would be putting money aside for DS but XW parents wouldn't. When DD came along she benefitted from the CTF so she didn't get the same either. All 4 are DH's so I don't understand how she had worked that out but it was a moot point in the end because she had to use those savings to pay for BIL funeral.

I love my DSD1&2 but I don't expect my parents to save the same amount of money for them as they have for my DC. They treat them the same when it comes to presents and birthday treats, which as far as the girls were concerned about when they were younger, was the more important thing. At least that's what they tell DH now that they are adults. We have never hidden that my parents do put money in an account for DS and DD, but equally we don't know how much is in them and all 4 get the same amount of money for birthdays and Christmas.

Yes I perhaps worded that wrongly.

In the older generations eyes, that makes a distinct difference.

What is important here is the fact that the children end up with the same amount, however that amount is arrived at.

How does small lump sum turn into a lot of money? Actually, I think the thread has moved on from the issue of the account anyway. It's about how people view their SGC/GC and what people find acceptable/unacceptable. I'm with PJ on this.

It would not even occur to me for my mil to give anything to my dcs who are not related to her. They are not her grandchildren and she did not make the choice herself to be part of a blended family.

But in your case what I find strange is her asking you not to mention to your dd. Surely it's better to explain to dd the difference between step and biological? Because there IS a difference.

Have a half brother and sister. I refer to them as that in conversation if discussing who my siblings are as I have a full sister and that is different.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. FWIW, my half brother and sister have very generous GP's on their Mum's side, but my sister and I have never had so much as a card from them. Until this thread it had never occurred to me that anyone would think this odd.

I was already born when they entered my life and their are not my Grandparents

I think we're moving off issue. Whilst I appreciate you all have different views and experiences, I'm trying to establish if I'm BU to be annoyed. The facts are:

I was single with DD for a very long time.
DD has no contact with her biological father or family due to issues of abuse.
I met DP, we dated, he met DD and eventually moved in.
We live as a family. We have discussed marriage and DP adopting DD when that happens.
DP's DM (and her partner and DP's sister) have welcomed DD into their family as their GC/DN.
DP also has DDad (and partner) who have also welcomed DD into the family fold.
After 3 years of this set up, I became unexpectedly pregnant with DS.
Nothing changed within our direct family unit other than after DS's arrival, DP became SAHD for both DC due to financial reasons - i.e. I'm the breadwinner.
SIL is now referring to DD as DS's half sister.
MIL wants to set up an account for DS, but doesn't want me to tell DD.

Before DS was born, did SIL refer to your DD as "my brother's step-daughter" or "my brother's daughter"? That your DD doesn't call him Dad suggests noone is pretending he's her father, but he is DS's.

If after you marry, your DP adopts your DD, you might find that a lot of ILs view this as making her more part of the family than she is now, right now - if you and DP split up, your DP wouldn't get any access to DD, just to DS, he also would not be finanically responsible for DD, just DS. Once he adopts her, he does take on the rights and responsibilities, and families do normally treat adopted children as much more equal than step-children.

The secrecy is wrong, but you can easily frame it to DD as just balancing out as she has savings and her DB doesn't. At 9, she should just accept that Granny[your mum] put some money in her account when she was a baby, but as that Granny has died, her DB doesn't have the same, so Granny[MIL] is going to do the same for DB so they have the same when they grow up.

And while you don't have anythign to do with her bioDad, that doesn't mean DD doesn't stand to inherit sums from them as an adult, that your DS won't. It doesn't mean that she won't be in contact with half-siblings later on if her BioDad has other children with other woman. You do get to decide who's in her life now, but not forever.

Blended families are complicated, pretending they aren't and that you are just a traditional nuclear family is fine, but you can't expect other people outside of your unit to not see the complexities.

Just because you've decided its not nice to call half siblings half siblings, doesn;t mean everyone else agrees with you. You're assuming a lot. Your dd is your ds's half sister, nothing cruel about it.

You can't make everyone feel the exact same way about your family as you do. It's weird and controlling.

I think that this is a weird mumsnet thing, I don't know anybody in the ops scenario where children are being brought up in the same house bring referred to as half siblings, it might be biologically and factually correct but it's unnecessary and divisive.

oh and OP, I think it's understandable you'd be worried your DD will be treated as 'lesser' by wider family, but this, put in the context of your DD getting the Child Trust Fund money and your DS not doing, doesn't seem like they are treating your DD as 'less'. You said your DD was treated well by the ILs, so there's no reason to presume that wont continue.

If Christmas and birthday presents are obviously much more generous to DS than DD, then have a word, but for things like inheritance, savings, financial help towards uni/weddings/first property, then you should prepare yourself for the likelyhood that DD will get less than DS from PILs. Most families favour blood family in big financial gifts. My DH is very much part of my family, but if I die before my parents, their will passes my share of their estate to my DCs.

The thing is, OP doesn't want them to be called half siblings and this should be respected by sil and other people, no matter how factual it is.

Lots of people on here hate being called Mrs for example. I see no problem with it myself but I will call them what they want to be called.

My children from my previous marriage have been pushed out by my inlaws in the past. They can't understand why and it hurts them that they are loved less for not being their step dads bio children even though he is dad in every other way that matters. Being called half siblings would just bring it home again that some view them differently. I don't care how factual it is, they will not be called half siblings in my ear shot or theirs more than once.

Blood has never been that important to me. I am capable of loving someone just as much because they are family, blood doesn't come into it. If people want to make that distinction between my children they can, but they don't get to do it around me or my children. It has been hard enough battling the family members who have pushed them aside because they aren't blood, even though they knew them when they were tiny and have watched them go from tiny children to teens.

I just find it incredibly sad that so many people can't at least pretend to love non bio gc the same and that so many people love more simply because they are blood. I can't wrap my head around that at all.

I think you can see from this thread that grown-up step and half children don't actually mind the terms. It's you that minds, as it's affecting your idea of the family you want. But you do need to be prepared for the kids growing up aware of their difference. It may be that they like mentioning the half- bit to their friends when they're older.

Biology really means very little.

If you found out that your child had been swapped in the hospital at birth, you wouldn't want to swap them back for your blood relative. You wouldn't love them any less.

Love is something that is built up over time.

No but if the siblings have different parents who they're loyal to then then they tend to want (out of respect for the other parent) to resist the implication that their step is their real parent, iyswim.

Also the biology doesn't matter point is completely incompatible with the 'they all came from me (i.e. biologically) so they are all full sibs' feeling several posters have articulated, which of course is biological!!

Not the case when the child has never met or had a relationship with their bio parent.

Yes you're right Pyjama. In that case they really do need a substitute / someone to fill the role.

However, I got my stepmum after my mother died (when I was quite little) and, though I love her, have not been willing to call her/see her as my mother.

no, but there's a difference in relationship with a child who has been part of your life since their birth, and one you only meet when they are older.

Umm if I found out my baby had been swapped at birth I would massively want to have some kind of relationship with my biological child.

There is no way I would want them out there somewhere and not having any contact at all.

I'm not saying I swap the children, but I would definetly want a relationship with the child I gave birth to.

You cannot force people to feel something they just do not feel.

Your DCs are half siblings and that's the truth. No one is trying to hurt your feelings, you are over reacting.

As someone said if you and your DP break up neither he nor his family would have any right to see your DD because she isn't a biological part of their family.

They aren't the ones who need an attitude change - it's you. Your DP can't "step up" and force his family to feel something that they just don't feel.

They might not feel it but they could fake it for the sake of the dd. It's not as though she has her other side of the family. There is absolutely no need to make it known that they love her less.