To object to this? (step gc/gc related)

[wishmiplass]

My OH's mum wants to give DS (7 months) a cheque for Christmas and for me to set up a savings account for him. However, she doesn't want me to tell my DD (her step DGC). DD already has a CT fund (when government still paid £250) which my mum contributed to until she died last Christmas (DD is 9 so there's a small lump sum available to her when she's 18).

I don't know how to respond to this - my initial feeling is that she's being unfair to DD by favouring DS over her (after all, it wasn't DD's fault she got the CT fund and my mum contributed - sure she would have done the same for DS).

I don't know if it's the fact she doesn't want me to tell DD or that she's only doing it for DS. It doesn't feel fair or equal (but then, DD is only her step DGC ... although I don't think that matters a bit!).

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I do worry that DD is being pushed out by the arrival of DS with step in laws...

and a bit

I think yabu to expect ILs to treat their sgc the sane as their actual gc.

Just say thanks, open the account and there's no need to mention it to dd, why would you?

When dd is 18 + and needs money towards education or new car, house deposit etc you can take into account funds saved for your ds by ILs and redress the balance.

It seems likely ILs will continue to save for your ds and your dd get nothing further. So just make sure you have some savings for her. It may never be equal but it's fine.

Whatever you do don't encourage dd to think this 'unfair'. You're setting up bad blood between your dc if you do that.

It's not strictly true about splitting up and access. There are situations where step parents have gained access and even custody (in the event of death), to their step children where they have spent many years bringing them up, and they've been the most suitable person, also to keep siblings together.

They might not feel it but they could fake it for the sake of the dd. It's not as though she has her other side of the family. There is absolutely no need to make it known that they love her less.

Yep, that is the crux of the matter really. It doesn't matter what they feel, adults should be mature enough not to show that they love one child less just because they aren't blood.

As I said previously (probably late last night!), it is interesting to see others' perspectives on the situation and to hear different opinions.

I don't agree that I have to change my attitude to this (I couldn't even if I wanted to). The goalposts have been moved and I just have to deal with the changes - not change my perspective.

I think it may well be that MIL thinks like several of the pp on here and for that reason I need to reassess what is best for my DC. As has been said, I can't change the way people feel or think, but I can make sure my DD and DS aren't exposed to such blinkered and unkind (IMO) attitudes towards them (well, just DD really).

That DD was welcomed into the family, encouraged to be the ILs 'D'GC ("call me granny") and is now being firmly put in her place as 'S'GC ("you're actually only DS's half sister") seems totally weird to me; it is being implied that DS is 'more' because he's DP's son and I don't see how a 9 year old could be expected not to be hurt by that.

You seem determined not to even try to understand any other point of view. Why bother posting?

Even if you object to 'half brother/sister' it is technically and legally correct and nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I think you're doing your daughter a disservice in not making it a normal part of life as it is inevitable that at some point your son will be referred to as her half brother, whether at school or in some other situation, and she needs to not see this as a negative, just a fact of life.

A child I knew at school was teased about the exact same thing and the more she denied her sibling was 'half' the more she was teased and upset by it - much better for her to be completely aware and comfortable with the situation IMHO

Sunna - I've said I do understand... does that mean I have to agree/concede too? I didn't get that memo.

I can see and do understand MIL's POV - but I don't agree with it and I don't like it because I am a different person and think differently and it is a POV I didn't know she held (or might hold) until I asked the question.

I asked if IWBU to be annoyed/feel hurt. I've been told by some IABU, by others INBU.

Is that all okay with you?

My children know that technically they are half siblings. They know that at times people may be called them just that. They will also request that they don't do so in future. Hopefully most people will respect that.

I think it is pretty cold to know a child from a young age, one that lives with your child and bio gc and not be able to love them as much simply because of blood. I know you can't force those feelings but it is beyond me that some aren't capable of loving a child simply due to the lack of blood ties.

may call them just that*

Agree, and I'm sure that the op will take the time to explain to her children their family history so that they understand.

But to feel it necessary to refer to them as half brother and sister is just ridiculous.

Can you imagine, "dd go and get your half brothers baby wipes please". "Can you take your half brother to the shops". As if.

Yeah, I don't know anyone IRL who calls their siblings half, unless they are explaining the family set up to someone who doesn't know perhaps.

U2 - different folks/strokes and all that. I think I'll follow your lead about how to deal with the 'half' siblings issue. You sound like a lovely mum. x

Pyjama

All these halves and bloods and wotnots... it's like being in a 'kin Harry Potter novel...

Fairly extreme example pyjama - the children need to be aware of the reality of their family situation so they're not shocked or upset when it's referred to - and don't protest that it's not true and therefore incite more unpleasantness, as in the case I referred to earlier. That's not doing them a kindness

I don't think love is a strong word really. I love lots of people in lots of different ways.

Like I said, I know you can't force someone to love another person, but the least they can do when a child is involved is pretend they do.

In the case of my inlaws my children do not remember a time without them. They used to spend hours every week with them and they loved them To my children they were just nanny and granddad. They didn't love them any less than my mum. They were a part of their lives before their bio gc arrived. It seems like children can manage to love people who aren't blood relations a lot easier than a lot of adults can. It hurts children when they are obviously loved less than their siblings. It amazed me that my pils could do all this special stuff with their bio gc while leaving the step gc out knowing how much they loved them and how much it hurt them. It created a divide.

All I ever wanted was for the differences to not be so in their face so they stopped getting hurt.

I really just can't wrap my head around not loving a young step gc due to blood. I wonder if those people would love an adopted gc child any less as well.

I know plenty of technical 'half' siblings who are treated like full siblings. So unnecessary to make that distinction when kids grow up together.

I totally get what you are saying, the four of you are a family unit and your DD hasn't got contact with her bio family so for all purposes your dp is her dad. And his parents are her grandparents - so it is totally unfair of her to be treated differently.

However I think it will definitely get easier if your dp officially adopted your dd. Then legally she is his child - she won't automatically inherit from her bio family then. And they will then legally be 'full' siblings if people want to be pedantic about it

Half-sibling is a technical term that fits better for children that haven't grown up together, but they are still brothers and sisters.

OP, see how you MIL and SIL treat your dd. If they treat her with love, don't get too caught up in technicalities. If they treat her badly, no matter how much money they put into an account for her, IMHO, you should keep her away from them.

I can honestly say that I've never heard anyone use the term half sibling. The only time I did was years ago when my mum was explaining how her brothers and sisters have different dads, but she said that they're still proper brothers and sisters as they've the same mum and grew up in the same house. They would all take great offense to being called half siblings and are very close.

I know loads of people who've brothers and sisters who have a different mum or dad and they all just refer to their siblings as brother and sister.

The only variation on this was a friend who had a sister by a different dad, who lived with her, and two sisters by a different mum who lived elsewhere, she said she felt less close to them as she was less close to her dad, and they lived elsewhere.

People can spout all the facts and technicalities that they like but every situation has to be dealt with individually, and taking the feelings of the children into account. No 9 year old needs to learn the cold hard facts that granny doesn't love you quite as much because you're not related.

As I said before, having several half-siblings I have no issue with the term because it just is what it is. It's just a label. It doesn't change anything

What I WOULD object to is the feeling that you believe is behind her saying it when she wouldn't have before. Are you imaging it? Given the bank account thing I get the feeling you're not and I think that needs to be nipped in the bud. NOT the term because it is what it is, but the treatment.

I'm a child from a blended family and tbh, the only problem is that which you are making of it.

Your dd will just take as natural whatever you act as being natural. If you just behave like it is completely normal for people to refer to her as having half siblings, being a step GC etc. then she won't be bothered by this at all.

You are lucky that they treat her kindly. She is not being pushed out, they may be doing things for your ds that they haven't done for her (well, she wasn't on the scene when she was 7mo, was she), but she had a granny who did things for her which she isn't going to be around to do for your ds.

It's just the way things are, and if you behave like things are natural and are happy that they are kind and loving to your dd, she will feel the same, if you seethe with resentment for whatever they are not doing that you feel she should be entitled to, she will do the same, and be worse off for it.

I have step sibs, half sibs, step parents galore, have had step gps and the whole lot.

In some things we have been treated the same, in some things we haven't. Overall my half sibs have received a load more than me (the other half of their family are rich!), but because I actually feel that the other side owed me nothing at all I consider myself fortunate that I did receive quite a lot from them.

If I felt entitled to equality I would be quite bitter, which would be ridiculous given that I have been given loads. So what if others got more? Lucky them!

my step grandparents treated me exactly the same as my brother and sister and cousins (all their 'proper' grandchildren). I have always seen them as my family and would have been v sad if they hadn't felt the same way. I don't think yabu.