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Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:
MyballsareSandy · 21/10/2014 10:29

I know what you mean as my sil did the same thing to be with my brother, leaving 4 young kids behind. I've struggled with it, although my brother did the same, left his two young boys. So why is it worse for a woman?

It's something I've thought a lot about in the past few years. I can completely understand a marriage ending, but I couldn't contemplate leaving my children, I just wouldn't be happy.

I'd advise being there for her but try not to get too involved, it is her decision, however odd it may seem to you.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 21/10/2014 10:32

No I couldn't understand her to be honest.

I wouldn't support her just because she's a woman. To me leaving your child for those ridiculous reasons is pretty vile.

I would struggle op to be her friend.

I hope her ds and partner manage to get the support they deserve.

I equally don't understand men leaving their kids either.

MrsCosmopilite · 21/10/2014 10:35

Is it because your friend is deviating from 'the norm'? It is often the mother that lives with the child/children when relationships break up, and the father moves out.
I haven't had to support anyone through this so can't offer any advice, but your friend obviously feels this is the best solution.

The only situation I know of where the mother moved out is that of someone with whom I have a mutual friend. He and his partner had two children in fairly quick succession and seemed to be very loved up. Until he came home from work early and found the two children (2 under 2) roaming the lounge whilst she entertained a 'friend' in bed. :(
He is the sole carer and relies on friends and family to help out as and when they can. AFAIK the mother has nothing to do with them at all.

Marylou2 · 21/10/2014 10:35

Maybe I'm old, sexist and see things in stereotypical terms but I couldn't leave a child behind. Perhaps there are aspects of this situation that I know nothing about but I would find it hard to support her in this decision.

Weelass83 · 21/10/2014 10:35

I guess it does seem odd, especially as she is a SAHP. I guess society has drummed it into us that when a relationship fails, the man leaves and the woman stays with the children.

Would you still feel as uneasy if your friend was the man and he moved out and left the son with his mother?

It is a bit of a sexist view I suppose, but I do agree with you that it is a bit unconventional. I suggest you just try to be there for her, support her through this difficult time.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/10/2014 10:36

It does seem a little bit odd given that you say your friend was previously the SAHP and the father works long hours. Who is actually looking after the child during the day?
If it had been the case where the father was the SAHP then it would have been understandable to keep things the same for the DS. I am inclined to wonder (how well do you know friend and her now XP?) if the man is controlling or abusive and has refused to let her take DS with her, nad she's doing her best to put a brave face on it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/10/2014 10:36

I find it odd since shes a SAHM and now obviously the child will have to go into child care since the Dad works long hours, very confusing for the child.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 10:37

I think it's hard to understand when anyone leaves their kids behind tbh. I would struggle to support a male friend who did this, so I think it's OK to struggle to support a female friend. I don't think it's worse for a woman to do this, I think it's a shitty thing for anyone to do.

When you say she is a SAHP - what's going to happen with her DS care?

rebelfor · 21/10/2014 10:37

Yeah, sorry, I judge her more than I judge a man for walking out on his children.

Poor little lad.

Chrysanthemum5 · 21/10/2014 10:38

I think it's odd purely because your friend is the SAHP, and her partner works long days. I would have thought that the SAHP (of either sex) would be the parent who stayed with the children in case of a break-up in order to preserve some normality for the child.

ihatethecold · 21/10/2014 10:38

Who will look after him?
The dad works long hours.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 10:40

If she is a SAHP does that mean she will still be spending the majority of the child's waking hours with him? I can see how that could work for them. Dad still has to work so she carries on as normal during the day but the boy still goes to his own bed in his own house with dad at night and they both see him every day. Sounds quite a good arrangement actually.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/10/2014 10:42

Rightly or wrongly I would assume that her DH is so hands off with parenting that shes thought "fuck it, let him see how hard it is" and walked out.

I may be incorrect, and I am certainly wrong to assume anything about a relationship I know nothing about, but it just doesnt compute to me that the SAHP would walk put without the dcs.

Weelass83 · 21/10/2014 10:43

Maybe if he's working long hours she plans on coming back to the house to watch him until dad gets home? I hope she is doing what is best for her child. If she was really miserable in her relationship she wouldn't be doing her son any favours in the long run if she stayed with her partner. However, the poor wee soul might suffer if mummy is hardly in the picture anymore.

I sincerely hope that she and her ex partner know what they are doing and have discussed it thoroughly.

EauPeanUpTheGatesOfHell · 21/10/2014 10:43

Are you sure it's her choice though?

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:44

That's exactly the way it is ThinkI'veBeenHacked, you hit the nail on the head. They have organised childcare for 3 days and she will mind him in her new place 2 days.

OP posts:
bodhranbae · 21/10/2014 10:45

Maybe she needs to reconsider why she is so fed up - could you help her with that?
Maybe being a SAHP just isn't working for her.
It sounds like a bit of a huge leap to go from being a SAHP to being an absent/occasional mum.

However - if she has simply got bored with parenthood, as a friend of mine did, then I'd have no time for her.
And it will come back and bite her on the arse.

IsabellaofFrance · 21/10/2014 10:46

I judge her not as a woman, but as the parent who has given him most of his care for three years, to then walk out on him. And if her DH works away so much, who will care for him?

If it was a man in the same situation, I would judge them the same.

BarbarianMum · 21/10/2014 10:47

I have never known a SAHP do less than 50:50 care during/after a divorce.

But as other posters said above, if she is still going to be his main week day carer (and paid as such) and this way he gets to stay in his own home then maybe it is a good solution. EOW not so much Sad

bodhranbae · 21/10/2014 10:47

They have organised childcare for 3 days and she will mind him in her new place 2 days.

Nice stable environment for a young child to grow up in.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/10/2014 10:48

Ahh ok, I have more sympathy now for her.Her poor little boy would have a shock to the system either parent leaving, but if the relationship.is so so unequal that its making his mum unhappy then Mum and Dad both being single parents will no doubt be better in the long run.

I hope dad steps up and does what he should have been doing for years then.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/10/2014 10:49

Maybe your friend cannot afford to support herself and her son. Maybe she feels that the boy will be better off in familiar surroundings. Perhaps she just had to leave, or couldn't cope with being the main carer. Whatever. Blokes do this all the time, I don't see why a woman shouldn't.

katienana · 21/10/2014 10:51

I don't judge her for being a woman but I do judge her for having been the main caregiver and then pulling the rug out from under her DS feet. I can only imagine the effect that me doing the same would have on my own DS and I think it would be so traumatic for him. I couldn't put him through that.

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 21/10/2014 10:51

Is it because shes the sahp? That's the bit that strikes me odd. I have a friend who left her marriage and her boys stayed with their dad, but this was because her job took her away from home several nights a week, and the dad worked from home so was there when they came home from school etc.

thegreylady · 21/10/2014 10:52

My dh's ex left him and their three teenagers to have some 'me' time. She immediately married a younger man and had another baby. It took along time for those three young people to understand why they weren't enough for their mum. I can understand any woman leaving any man but I cannot understand any mother leaving her child.