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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 11:49

his Mummy and others stepped in to support him and "help", demonise her and she couldn't even visit in their home because MIL had moved in and was hostile.

I find this interesting- a poster upthread mentioned that she and her mother took over childcare for her brother when his wife left.

There was none of that when my EXp left. I just had to carry on as before, working and looking after DC. No family rallied to help, same with all the female friends i have whose partners left. Women are just expected to do this and when they decide that actually they want a taste of what men have they are demonised and judged far more harshly and the man gets his back rubbed and 'there there' from his mummy. Hmm

MindReader · 21/10/2014 11:49

The long term effects on the child are unknowable.
I couldn't put that before my short term happiness.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 11:51

I agree, Thefishewife.

My own mum worked full time, brought up three kids, and basically did all the domestic stuff unaided. My dad never changed a single nappy, cooked a meal or mopped a floor. If my mum had up and left to 'prove a point', I think it would have damaged us forever.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 12:02

Not read the full thread, but...

I'm probably going to be moving out of the family home in the next six months or so. I have no legal rights to the property, and even if I did, to demand payment would put the house at risk, benefiting nobody and forcing my ex to downsize to a small flat.

I will be moving into a small private rental, our son (who is a teenager) will have a room at both homes.

Is it possible that your friend is in a similar situation, with no possibility of staying and having her ex move out?

LittleBairn · 21/10/2014 12:03

YANBU this happened to my DF and his siblings, I've seen the term effect this can have on people even 40 years later.

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 12:08

i wouldnt support a friend who did this. i would encourage her not to and if she still did, i would end the friendship probably.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 12:15

I'm meeting up with her in a little while.

Just to quickly answer a few questions, there's definitely no abuse, no mental health problems, no other man though she has been dating but nothing serious. Her financial situation may play a part though she currently has more control over exDP finances than he does but they are not married though he is a VERY reasonable man, perhaps to a fault.

I'm really confused by the whole situation and I do know all the facts, it's not a case of things not being clear cut. She just wants the relationship to end and I think she resents the fact that for that to happen in the "standard way", she will be the one left looking after DS. She has also expressed concern that it would be a lot easier for exDP to meet someone if she took DS (as has been the way with a lot of friends when a split occurs)

She is not a bad person but although she has always been a SAHM, she really does have and enjoy having a lot of freedom and has always been able to have DS looked after over night, fir a week etc at the drop of a hat. Maybe not having this support (all from her DPs family) scares her.

OP posts:
Thefishewife · 21/10/2014 12:15

Add message | Report | Message poster MassaAttack Tue 21-Oct-14 12:02:58

You have a child if it went to court he would be out their is no judge that would see a child homeless tell him to bite you change the locks and get him to move out

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 12:18

Sorry, OP, but your friend sounds awful. Sad

OfaFrenchMind · 21/10/2014 12:21

Thefishwife The child would not be homeless, he would have his dad's home. He is not a baby, he is a teenager that does not need round the clock care.
That's unbelievably grabby and akin to stealing the future ex-DP's house to plan that. She wants to leave, she leaves, but she is not entilted to his house.

Thefishewife · 21/10/2014 12:26

poster OfaFrenchMind

If you have given part of all of career to raise a child in order for your partner to have a caterer they would not have been able to have if you had not done this

That is not grabby for expample their is no way my husband would be able to have worked the hours he is if I had not taken a back seat he would not be in the role he is in if he had to 50% share in childcare I have a teen and a baby but I would be dammed if I would be the one moving out and why the hell is that grabby the only input into a marriage or partnership is not just money

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 12:30

Fishewife massa said nothing about her or her husband's career. Again- more assumptions and projection.

SaucyJack · 21/10/2014 12:32

The PP doesn't mention that the house was paid for out of her husband's wages whilst she was a SAHM.

In fact, the language she uses makes me suspect that he already owned his house prior to their marriage. Maybe he inherited it, or bought it as a single man?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 12:32

She's already dating? Wow. She's a charmer. Sounds like she wants her 'old' life back, in which case her DS is, regrettably, probably better off with a little less contact. Children know when they're not wanted. Poor wee boy.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 12:34

I have sacrificed a career in order to raise my DCs- should i tell my EXP to leave his house which i have no claim on? (as massa says is the situation with her partner's house) do i get EXp's house because i have enabled him to work to buy the house? Happy days- i'll pack my bag.

Figster · 21/10/2014 12:35

That would've friendship over for me she sounds like an utter cow that poor child and her ex p. she sounds graspy and immature

How is she funding this new independent lifestyle of hers?

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 12:37

She's already dating? Wow. She's a charmer.

Single woman dates! Hmm

Sounds like she wants her 'old' life back,

How do you know what her "old" life was? Confused

OfaFrenchMind · 21/10/2014 12:37

First, not married, so no right to the partner's home.

Second, she is choosing to leave. Poor guy did not ask to be thrown out of his home. And who said the guy did not want to spend more time with the children but had to take the raditional role of going out to earn money, while his partner was happy to be kept. I am saying that at the risk of being flamed, but I saw this happen enough to be able to have this opinion.

Third, the child left behind is a teenager, not a baby. So the primary carer argument is not relevant here.

Fourth, if you chose to abandon a real career to bring up children, then you also have to plan for contingency. Get yourself on the deed and the accounts, or stop breeding.

Also, in the gap between the teenager and the baby, you never tried to work? not even part-time?

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 12:38

How dare a woman decide to end a relationship. She should be flogged! Doesnt she know women cant do that? Back to the kitchen woman- or wherever your husband tells you to be. Hmm

This thread is disgusting.

Thefishewife · 21/10/2014 12:39

poster DiaDuit

Personally yes if in the result of a breakup as the primary carer you would need the home more than your ex

And to be honest I not sure why any man worth his salt would move his children out of the only home they have known

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 12:39

If you have brought up your mutual child/ren while their other parent has a career, do you really have no claim on the family home if you separate?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 12:40

But in the OP, as the XP has sole residency apart from 2 lots of daytime minding, won't the friend have to pay maintenance towards the child? It's not really as clear cut as her (undoubted) claim on any marital assets.

You might want to point that one out actually OP. Just for the lols.

(Yes I KNOW I am judging AND projecting.)

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 21/10/2014 12:41

Your friend does sound awfully self absorbed.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 12:43

Dia I read the 'already' dating as that she had been dating before the end of the relationship. The split has only just happened as far as I can see. Of course there is nothing wrong with a single person dating. I read it as there was an overlap.

'old' life is a shorthand for life pre-DC which I think is generally understood in this kind of context?

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 21/10/2014 12:43

Diaduit it's not that she's ending a relationship that PPs have taken issue with.

She just sounds very very selfish from the OP's post.

I