About friend moving out without her son

[Fanfeckintastic]

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

It's nothing to do with her being a woman - she's been her son's primary carer for 3 years and has walked out on him. Too right you should be judgemental. If she was unhappy with her life/DP or wanted to get a job then make changes in a way that don't traumatise her child. Making the poor boy suffer to prove a point to her DP that he's too hands off is evil.

child is a toddler not a teenager.

Nothing can replace the love of a mum. Don't care what people say, we are essentially beings that need the love and support of a mum, and losing a mum under tragic circumstances is terrible, but losing her because of abandonment seems even worst because it has a message of rejection.
I could never be friends with a selfish person like this

Primary carer works until 5 to 7. After that, parents are equal.

In this situation, if I was the ex, I would sue for more custody, and work less, just to enjoy also the children, support them, but not fund the ex-partner's life. After all, why work more for more money if it means less tijme for the children and more money to give somebody that does not love you?

My step brothers mother gave custody of him to my dad. She had severe pnd.

I have bipolar 1 if me and DH split even though I am the sahm I will give up custody because I get too ill to be a single mum.

Nice to know how judged people like us are.

This thread is awful.

MY take on it is:

Friend not happy with her life. Being a SAHP is hard. She wants the relationship to end.

If she stays in the home and DP leaves, how does she get back into work? It's tough out there for everyone. X number of years out of the workforce means that unless she's got some in demand skills, she's going to hard to find a job that fits with looking after DS. So she's now a single parent, still frustrated with her life.

If she leaves and only has to fend for herself, she will find it much easier to get a job.

OP says DP is a good man, so no worries that the child will be adequately cared for.

The Friend could be taking the long term/pragmatic view which doesn't necessarily dovetail with being a full time SAHP right now.

The way I see it see it is her options were:

1. maintain status quo - stay in a marriage she doesn't want to
2. DP leaves - but her life doesn't actually improve as highlighted above it would be hard (although not impossible) to get back into the workforce at a feasible level
3. she leaves, gets on her feet. DS has adequate childcare provsion in place.

I can see why she has taken option 3.

Would I do it? I don't think so but then, I've never felt isolated/restricted/frustrated as I kept my career going. That had its drawbacks too as I worried about was I damaging the kids by not being a SAHP and all the usual guilt trade offs. I also think as a parent, sometimes you do have to suck it up and think "well my life's not ideal, but I'm not the priority here" - although there is always the balance between that and preserving your identity and sanity.

I don't think it's an easy situation to sit back and judge and although you know her, you're not living her life, feeling her feelings. Admitedly there is a chance she's just thought "ah balls to it, pass my Heat mag and a Dairy Milk, this is the life" but really, how likely is that?

Spaceboundeminem not all of us judge.

well obviously there is also option 4
leave and take child with you
do what 99.99 percent of other single mums do - use childcare if you want/need/can work

Thank you Jacks.

most people do judge a mum who leaves her kids, unless there is a very good reason such as ill health

Diaduit it's not that she's ending a relationship that PPs have taken issue with.

You're right- its that she has done what men do without her actually being a man. People dont like women taking a piece of the man pie. This woman is doing what men up and down the country do and have been doing forever.

She ended a relationship and moved out. She is doing two days of childcare and will have to find work to pay for child support, her new home and the 1.5 days of nursery that are her responsibility. She is letting her son not have his world completely turned upside down by leaving him in his home whilst still seeing him regularly and having his dad as much if not more than he had before. At 3 years old nursery is not out of the bounds of 'normal'. He will be preparing to start school in the next year. Nursery 3 days a week is fine. She will probably be working those 3 days- again quite normal for a woman to start working as her children get older- 3 days is not neglect! A good example to her son as well.

As for the dating- she is a single woman- i'll take a stab in the dark and assume she isnt shagging 10 men infront of her child.

Spacebound, you are obviously in a very different position than the OP's friend. She doesn't have an illness that makes her unable to care for her child by herself.

well obviously there is also option 4 leave and take child with you

Can you explain how that is different from option 2 other than adding the additional hassle of finding new housing suitable for both yourself and a child.

its like option 2, which most women take if they can. but some women cant, so they move and take children with them

you know - like you see daily around you

I have worked with some difficult teens. The most troubled pupils ime are boys who have had their mums walk out. It may not be pc to say but it really has been my experience. Kids can get over dad leaving if they have the unconditional love from their mother, kids without that really struggle. As a child one of my mum's friends left her dh and took her dd but left her two dses behind. My mum couldn't understand and they fell out over it. I remember my mum being so upset for them - I was about 9.
I would really struggle.

well obviously there is also option 4
leave and take child with you
do what 99.99 percent of other single mums do - use childcare if you want/need/can work

Why take the child from his home and a very good parent with childcare 3 days a week to be away from home and day and still be in childcare 3 days a week?

You're right- its that she has done what men do without her actually being a man. People dont like women taking a piece of the man pie

No, it's that she is moving out of home and leaving a three-year-old who is used to her being his primary carer, with no other reason than her own happiness. It's selfish as fuck.

If the genders were reversed, I would say exactly the same thing.

Koaladownunder.

I can count on two hands the number of people who know I have bipolar and only one is a friend. Generally people who are mentally ill don't tell all and sundry because of prejudism. Plus it's not everyone's buisness. If I left my children I wouldn't tell all my friends I have bipolar.

I would judge a man just as harshly Dia. I do judge men just as harshly, in fact. Especially my own father who did something similar - decided family life wasn't quite what he thought and fecked off.

I think people will judge and given how society views a mothers' role then it is quite natural.

If there are mitigating factors such as PND or mental health issues then I think most people are understanding and can see why those decisions have been made. However from the information the OP has given her friend does not fall into this category and has a support network around her so the decision seems on the surface a little drastic especially as the child is very young and may not understand the adult reasoning as to why mummy has left

Do you know what was the biggest block to me going back to work all those years ago when I was a lone parent with pre school aged dc it was finding the money to pay for childcare, it needed paying upfront. I was luckier than most lone parents who had been sahp because I was well qualified and experienced in a specific field which is always in demand, finding a job was easy actually managing the logistics was very difficult.

It would have been better if she had got her child settled in nursery first, to minimise changes for him. Maybe it would have been more responsible to find a job first as well, how is she now supporting herself? From the OP's posts she just sounds selfish. Didn't take her son because it would make her life more difficult? Nice.

No, it's that she is moving out of home and leaving a three-year-old who is used to her being his primary carer, with no other reason than her own happiness

Ok so lets stay she takes the child and goes to work 3 days a week. The child is now in a new home and not seeing daddy and not having mummy as full time carer either. That is preferable than leaving him where he is settled, seeing his dad daily and having mum 2 days a week? Unless you are saying she should move out, take the child and never work?