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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 21/10/2014 10:54

I couldn't do it, but on the other hand the 'usual' model where the guy carries on work as normal and has the kids EOW isn't great either.

This way your friend can be financially independant without funding all the childcare. Dad will have to cut back at work maybe but that's one of the changes not having a partner doing all the childcare brings.

So my second thoughts are that maybe this could lead to a good basis for shared parenting. Hope so, anyway.

bonkersLFDT20 · 21/10/2014 10:54

Do you know the whole story? Really...the whole thing?

I am sure most people would not make such a decision lightly.
Maybe her ex refuses to move out. Maybe he refuses to help her set up a nice home for their son. Maybe she needs some time to herself to focus on her future and knows she's leaving their son with their father in the old family home, which is preferable to a depressed Mother.
If she has been a SAHM she may not have independent financial means to just up and leave with their son.

MindReader · 21/10/2014 10:55

My mother did this.
In the early 1970' she left her son, aged 3, with his father, (her husband) to have an affair with the man who became my father.

She and my father had me, but 3 months after that my father died in an RTA.
She had nowhere to go, no-one would take her in
(Shelter in infancy then, so she told me).

She returned to her husband and my half brother.
It was a working class small community and everybody knew.
She says she was spat on in the street.
No one deserves that.

But, however unhappy she was, I could never do what she did,
for the sake of a relationship with a man.
It has had a long long shadow, for all of us.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 21/10/2014 10:57

Do you know whether there are new romantic interests involved?

OfaFrenchMind · 21/10/2014 10:57

I hope dad steps up and does what he should have been doing for years then.
Yeah, leave his job and care for his child. Or invent the 36h day. So he can work to support himself, his chicld, and a partner that does not love him but appreciates the income...

If you want 50/50 childcare in a couple, either both parents are FT, or both are part-time. Having a job is actually exhausting, FYI...

aermingers · 21/10/2014 10:58

I don't think you can really say at this point. Depends how the arrangements work. It will be much the same as if a father left. If the Mum stays in touch and does the two days reliably and financially supports the little boy and stays involved there's nothing wrong with it. But if she doesn't follow through with her commitments to the little boy then I would consider her position a lot differently. I think it's similar whether it's a man or a woman, if contact is still frequent and of good quality and they follow up on their responsibilities to the child there is no reason it shouldn't work.

SaucyJack · 21/10/2014 11:01

Maybe she just couldn't stand being a SAHM any longer, and had to go to get a life/job/home/independence of her own? It may turn out that she doesn't she see her son any less than if she'd stayed in the home but got a full-time job.

I am judging a bit tho I admit. I think upping and leaving and living like a single woman probably seems like a lovely fantasy some days.... but to actually do it is something else altogether.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/10/2014 11:03

I.know Ola I work FT. So does my Dh. We both parent at home with our kids because we understand that having a job doesnt exempt you from parental responsibility.

Damnautocorrect · 21/10/2014 11:04

I'd judge her for being the primary care giver and fucking off leaving him. The poor boy must be in bits (I'd judge any sex the same for that).

Has she thought about school? She will see him less as he won't need 'minding'.
Let's also face it she's been his mum 9 months longer than his dad has. I do know a mum who did this in an abusive relationship, it was the only way she could get out. Plan was to get out, sorted and go back for the kids. It didn't work, one son doesn't talk to her. It's the biggest mistake she says she made, as her relationship is pretty bad with the other.
I'd question your friends mental health it shouldn't be 'easy' to walk away whichever parent you are. I'm a sahm whose partner works long hours (with no family or friend support) and I could understand the 'fuck it you do it' or grass seeming greener. But I can't imagine or would want to leave or selfishly dump that bomb on my son.

KittenCamile · 21/10/2014 11:04

I have a friend of a friend who left her 8month old DS with his dad. She didn't really want children, her DH was so desperate for them he bought the house next door to theirs, moved her parents in so that there was an immediate support network. She felt so guilty that she got pregnant, had their DS got PND and then one day just left as she just couldn't do it.

She sees her DS once a week in a shopping centre coffee shop as that's all she can handle currently.

I think you need to be very careful when judging people.

inthename · 21/10/2014 11:04

its a hard one, but if you say that they've organised childcare for 3 days and shes looking after him for 2 days (presumably alternating weekends) then its all but a shared care arrangement and shes decided to leave her ds in the family home (or her husband may have threatened court, residency orders etc etc if she tried to leave with the child?)
As her friend, suggest to her that she gets proper legal advice, its difficult to judge the 'why' - I had a friend whose x physically prevented her from leaving with either of her children. Perhaps she may be planning to take the child back at a different time to avoid confrontation and can't publically announce that.
Each situation is so different.

guitarosauras · 21/10/2014 11:06

I've supported a friend who did this.

I didn't agree with her decision in the slightest but she was a friend and couldn't see any other way even with all the help in the world.

I believe that her decision wasn't one that was taken lightly so to me she needed her friends more than ever.

Sadly we lost contact over the years but not because of this.

My nan did the same to my mother but with zero contact from the day she left. Although my mother says that her childhood was hard because of this she wouldn't have it any other way.

I can't imagine doing it or how one would feel to be able to do it and feel that it was an option.

HibiscusIsland · 21/10/2014 11:07

If a man was full time primary carer of their child and they left the child I would think they were just as selfish as I would a woman. It is not fair on the child.

UsedtobeFeckless · 21/10/2014 11:09

My ex-SiL did this - she had an affair and left my DB and two small sons. The whole village slated her for it, including all the school gate mum-chums she'd been really tight with.

Thing is I'm really glad she did!

The boys stayed with DB which kept him together in the aftermath of the break-up, they stayed at the same little school with my two so I did the school run and our mum ( who lives in the same village ) and I split their care while DB was at work ... Their mum stayed in touch and eventually remarried and lives a few miles away - they see her regularly and everyone is happy.

It would have been awful if she'd taken them - awful for DB, awful for them, and awful for me, their cousins and Grandparents. I think ex-SiL was very brave and selfless leaving them with DB ... It's not always cut and dried!

DancingLola · 21/10/2014 11:10

Agree that it's the fact she's been a SAHM that makes it seem so odd. I don't think its a sexist view, just seems more logical that the parent who's the primary caregiver normally has residency. I only know one person who lived apart from her kids & that was due to courts decision. As a friend I would be wondering what on earth prompted her decision?

May09Bump · 21/10/2014 11:10

Maybe she has had a breakdown and cannot care for the boy, and in her mind the arranged child care is best for him. Really feel for the child though - change at this age is hard.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 11:12

Let's also face it she's been his mum 9 months longer than his dad has

What has that got to do with anything?

All this talk of 'walking away' 'pulling the rug from under him' and questioning her mental health is ridiculous. We dont know her reasoning or the arrangement they have come to other than the childcare will be 3 days in nursery. There are 7 days in the week and more hours in the day aside from nursery hours.

Groovee · 21/10/2014 11:13

I think its a hard decision to leave in the first place. I worked with a mum who went to mediation with dad and said she had decided that he was the far better parent, the children were settled with him and she knew this was what was best for them. It's always worked for them and she has regular contact with the children and says she became a better mother for it. She knew she would be judged because it was always expected that mum should stay with the children when in reality sometimes dad is the better parent.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 11:31

Of course I hope she's planning on getting a job for the three days she's not 'minding' her own child. Hardly fair to expect the H to support two households and 'step up' with childcare...

Thefishewife · 21/10/2014 11:36

The reason why it's worse because usually women are the main care givers

And for the main person in the child's life to up and fuck off is low very low

turnaroundbrighteyes · 21/10/2014 11:41

Think it's so hard to judge without knowing what's going on inside her head.

A friend of mine did this. She was fed up with doing everything so waited until the youngest was in pre-school and left dh and the kids. This after a few years of arguing to get him to step up and a few more not arguing because she knew he wouldn't.

She said they would probably got back together after a couple of months because he did eventually step up, learn to look after the kids and want her back, but were actually apart over a year because his Mummy and others stepped in to support him and "help", demonise her and she couldn't even visit in their home because MIL had moved in and was hostile. Ironically she was only asking dh to do what she had done for years without support - look after the kids and work full time with childcare.

Strange how differently society sees men and women.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 11:43

Of course I hope she's planning on getting a job for the three days she's not 'minding' her own child. Hardly fair to expect the H to support two households and 'step up' with childcare...

Who said she was expecting this?

Fuckload of assumptions and projection going on in this thread.

It also doesnt say anywhere that she has fucked off.

Thefishewife · 21/10/2014 11:44

poster turnaroundbrighteyes

That's disgusting can't a imagin leaving my small children to prove a point with my husband I think that's awful poor kids must of wondered why their mummy fucked off I actually think that's worse than leaving for love tbh

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 11:48

her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc. She still plans to see him and be a part of his life

Well, that's the least she could do.

I'll be honest and risk a flaming: if your assessment of the situation really is accurate, and if there are no other mitigating circumstances (e.g. mental health issues, or abuse) then I think she is extraordinarily selfish. I would not be able to support her in this.

notagainffffffffs · 21/10/2014 11:48

I would judge tbh. It just srems childish and selfish towards the littke boy. I couldn't do it.

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