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Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 13:15

What if I started a thread saying my partner had left our home but was having DS for part of the week at his home.

Would that be classed as fecked off. No, I think Jeremy Kyle would describe is as stepping up in fact.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:15

Nope Dia, then he fecked off because it was 'too hard'.

Ok so we agree that fecking off isnt what this woman is doing. Good.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 13:16

Ah, thanks Yackity - I didn't know it was still like that in the UK. (And yes, I am down under.)

Dia, I think she should not move out at all, at least until her child is older. But if she is determined to, then yes, I think she should take him and work out some combination of work and child care, with his father seeing him regularly at weekends.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:18

When men do it do they get a thread full of people making up reasons why they had no choice or do they just get called bastards?

Who on this thread said she had no choice? If a man left his partner and had the child (at least) 2 days a week and paid maintenance then what is there to indicate he is a bastard?

BarbarianMum · 21/10/2014 13:20

Hah! He'd probably be touted as a hero. Which is wrong, but no more wrong then some of the comments against this woman.

She has not fucked off. She has especially not fucked off to her love nest with another bloke.

Thefishewife · 21/10/2014 13:21

poster HaroldLloyd if he was the primary career I would say he's a dick for leaving the kids

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 13:21

yes there should be more stigma for men too. daytime disney dads are just as crap but it is more accepted.

jacks365 · 21/10/2014 13:21

I am glad their is a stigma stops more women for being selfish cows my only wish is that men had the same stigma might of stopped my sons dad fucking off and not seeing him for odds on 10 years

that's the point men are not treated this way so why should a woman be. If we want to be treated equally then we need to accept that we are equal but all I am seeing on this thread is that a woman is judged for behaving the way a man would be expected to if a relationship broke up

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 13:23

of course everyone would think it was shit if a sahd or wohd decided he couldnt be arsed doing it any more and was going to live the single life with no evening/night time care at all cos that is shit
but it is sadly almost expected

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 13:24

Dia, plenty of us have said the same thing: if a man was the SAHP for a 3-year-old's entire life, his wife worked long hours to support him and their child financially, treated him kindly, he had a good support network, and the wife bent over backwards to make it easy for him to have nights out, holidays away, etc. - if all of this was the case, and the man walked out, damn right that would indicate he's a bastard!!

Two days a week childcare and maintenance does not make up for leaving the home. The child still knows the parent is gone, and has no way of processing it at that age!

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:25

A woman i knew did this

She up and left and moved back to Japan leaving her son in the care of his dad. She doesn't see him or write to him and has no role in his life at all.

Hmm so er, she didnt do this then, as 'this' is seeing the child at least two full days a week.

Dia, I think she should not move out at all, at least until her child is older. But if she is determined to, then yes, I think she should take him and work out some combination of work and child care, with his father seeing him regularly at weekends

Its great that she doesnt have to worry about what you (a stranger that she has no idea even exists) think she should do wrt her own family.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 21/10/2014 13:26

Really don't understand why people are comparing this woman who will still be heavily involved in her child's life with women who have walked out, moved away and cut their kids out :-S

Never see ppl on here comparing fathers who see their kids regularly with those with no contact so can't see why the comparison here.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:26

Two days a week childcare and maintenance does not make up for leaving the home. The child still knows the parent is gone, and has no way of processing it at that age!

So separated parents have to all stay in the same house?

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 13:27

Well, it's great that none of us have to worry about what anyone else thinks, isn't it? Hmm

You asked me a question, I answered. Now you're just being rude to anyone who doesn't agree with you.

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2014 13:29

Jacks

The point is that men aren't usually the SAHP so them moving out has less impact on the child. If the dad was the primary carer then the OP probably wouldn't even have bothered posting about her friend moving out of the family home.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 13:29

No. That is not what I said.

The parent who chooses to leave should take the child with them, if that child is a three-year-old for whom they have been the primary carer.

You clearly disagree, but that's my opinion.

MissMole · 21/10/2014 13:32

Possibly the op's friend has made a very difficult decision. She wants to leave her husband, to do so she perhaps needs to work to have an income. So what's best for the child in that situation? Presumably, at 3 he is going to nursery anyway and is used to being away from his mother for hours of the day. Childcare while she works may not be so different then. He will be in the home he knows, with daddy for two days and at mummy's new place for two days.
Is it always daddy collecting from childcare?

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:32

if a man was the SAHP for a 3-year-old's entire life, his wife worked long hours to support him and their child financially, treated him kindly, he had a good support network, and the wife bent over backwards to make it easy for him to have nights out, holidays away, etc. - if all of this was the case, and the man walked out, damn right that would indicate he's a bastard!!

So dad is SAHP of 3 year old. Dad wants back to work so child starts 3 days a week in nursery. Decides marriage isnt working, moves out and has child two days a week and pays maintenance and you are honestly telling me that this man Would be getting called a bastard and evil here on MN?

Seriously? Grin Grin Grin

jacks365 · 21/10/2014 13:32

Shelby2010 I've seen enough threads on here where the sahp is the dad and the mother still expects the children to stay with her.

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2014 13:37

Jacks

True. And in that case the children should stay with the father, but at least both parents want them rather than seeing them as an obstacle.

m0therofdragons · 21/10/2014 13:39

Are we really saying that the relationship between mother and child and father and child are the same? I truly believe this isn't the case but due to political correctness we are being forced to believe this. We can have equality and fairness without being the same as men.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:41

When it comes to working children very much are an obstacle. Lets be honest and fair here- if she is trying to get back to work then not having full time care of a child will make it unbelievably easier for her. It is perfectly possible to love and care for your children but recognise that life is easier without full time care of them. it is also possible to recognise that their interests are currently best served by living with their other parent.

Quitelikely · 21/10/2014 13:43

Relationships end all the time and that usually means one parent moving out with the DC staying put. It doesn't matter IMO who the parent is that leaves there will still be disruption to the dc.

She's a brave woman, who doesn't care what others will say and IMO rightly so!

sunbathe · 21/10/2014 13:46

I was on a course 20 years ago with a woman who'd left her husband and 2 children for another man.

She left, and the kids stayed in their familiar house, going to the same school with all their friends. If she'd taken them with her, they would have moved area and lost all that familiarity. (She couldn't afford something in the same area.)

After this revelation, most women on the course were very off with her.

As far as I'm concerned, it's no different whether the woman or the man leaves. We're just conditioned to think it's worse if the woman leaves.

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 13:50

we are conditioned to think it worse. probably we should try harder to fight our conditioning
but our kids live in the same society we do
where a mum leaving without her kids is pretty much the worst thing a mum could do
so those kids are going to feel that far more than if their dad leaves, which tbh is almost the norm at our kids school
so to leave your kids knowing how it will make them feel . . .