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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:

Yackityyakyak · 21/10/2014 13:05

Koala - are you down under now? Because in the UK there is no such thing as a defacto wife/husband as there is in Australia.

Regardless of how long you have lived together, you are not considered a legal couple, and so the non registered owner of property usually has no right to any assets.

The only way around it is to prove via the courts that you DID pay into the house, via mortgage etc. Impossible to do if you are the SAHP.

In Australia you are a defacto couple after living together for 2 years and you are then treated similarly to a married couple.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:06

Especially my own father who did something similar - decided family life wasn't quite what he thought and fecked off.

Except that isnt what this woman is doing. She hasnt fecked off. Or by fecked off do you mean your dad looked after you for two full days every week?

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 13:06

It sounds more to me like a shared custody, I can't see what the huge fuss is about.

If she left and didn't support or see her child then yes, but that's not what's happening.

LurcioAgain · 21/10/2014 13:08

Batscan'ttwerk - totally agree. Massive pile-on in the absence of facts, and a lot of knee jerk reaction based on gender stereotyping.

I wish your friend and her family well with their new arrangements, OP. 3 day/2 day split sounds quite sensible to me (and doesn't sound like "abandoning your child").

Nerris · 21/10/2014 13:08

It just makes me feel a horrible sickening feeling inside to imagine walking out on my children. I'm not judging her as a woman, just as a parent abandoning their responsibilities, just because life wasn't what they thought it was going to be..or something equally lame.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 13:09

My dad did have weekend access (because after all, that's what 'two full days is') for the first couple of years actually Dia, yes.

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 13:09

But she isn't she is sharing custody with the father.

She hasn't run off to a tropical island.

People are over-reacting.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:09

It sounds more to me like a shared custody, I can't see what the huge fuss is about.

If she left and didn't support or see her child then yes, but that's not what's happening.

Yep!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 13:10

5 day/2 day surely? There are 7 days in a week?

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 13:10

Childcare three days, mum 2 days, dad 2 days.

What's the issue?

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:11

So he didnt feck off then did he lonny? He was present in your life

Nerris · 21/10/2014 13:11

Well time will tell whether that little boy agrees with those who say it "isn't a big deal".

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 13:12

the huge fuss is about a mum leaving her three year old and living apart from him. i realise mumsnet is an alternate universe in many ways, but a woman who did that where i live would be completely ostracised, unless there was a tragic background of ill health. and thats it, really. it might not sound logical, it is certainly sexist, but thats what would happen
i would not stay friends with a mum who did that to her toddler.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/10/2014 13:12

The OP only talks about the working week, so I would assume that weekends would be split.

nancy75 · 21/10/2014 13:13

You're right- its that she has done what men do without her actually being a man. People dont like women taking a piece of the man pie

When men do it do they get a thread full of people making up reasons why they had no choice or do they just get called bastards?

Pitofdespair · 21/10/2014 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2014 13:13

I'd find it hard to support somebody who has made such an incredibly selfish decision. Unless there is more to this than is immediately apparent.

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 13:13

But you always live apart for a certain part of the week with shared custody.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 13:14

Nope Dia, then he fecked off because it was 'too hard'.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 13:15

a woman who did that where i live would be completely ostracised

So are all the men in your area who have weekend contact with their DCs shunned and ignored in the corner shop? Do people spit on them and glare at them on the street?

Oblomov · 21/10/2014 13:15

you all sound like total earth mothers, of the martyr type, who believe that any woman not putting herself bottom of the list is some kind of bitch.
she is dating again? what a charmer. - just about sums it up!!!!

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2014 13:15

Spacebound

Somehow you don't sound like the sort of person who would walk out on their small children just because the spark had gone out of your marriage. Doing what's best for the children might be more difficult for you in the event that your relationship did end but I'm sure they would be your main priority. The OPs friend is just putting herself first.

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 13:15

the child is not living with or staying over with the mum. shared care to me looks like, for example, 3 days and nights at one parent's, 4 days at the other
not
mum has her own place now but she'll come visit

scotchfreeescapegoat · 21/10/2014 13:15

A woman i knew did this. She was Japanese and moved to Hawaii for work, met a bloke and got married and had their son. They were together for 6 years when she decided she didn't want to be married anymore. She up and left and moved back to Japan leaving her son in the care of his dad. She doesn't see him or write to him and has no role in his life at all. It is like she died. and infact if i was the dad i might be tempted to tell the son that to spare him what must be an dreadful rejection.

I deleted her on Facebook. I couldn't wrap my head around it at all. She sends me friend requests every now and again which i ignore. Her page is open though and has lots of shots of her having a wonderful like back in Japan.

It was probably unfair of me but i judged hugely. I cannot imagine any circumstances where i would not want my kids with me. No ordeal i would not endure to be with them.

But I can also honestly say that i would judge a man who up and left and never looked back just as harshly. My dad did that when i was 14 and reappeared when i was 25. total oxygen thief.

Thefishewife · 21/10/2014 13:15

poster sanfairyanne to be honest I am glad their is a stigma stops more women for being selfish cows my only wish is that men had the same stigma might of stopped my sons dad fucking off and not seeing him for odds on 10 years and in the mean time having more

This will happen more and more and women compete to be the same as men in every aspect

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