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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was drunk and aggressive. AIBU in forgiving too quickly?

132 replies

PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 10:00

We've been together for 8 years and although he regularly drinks far too much at social occasions, he has never acted in this way.

After a wedding we headed back to our hotel, him paralytic, me sober as we had our 16month old with us. Through the night he had slowly got more and more drunk and he could barely stand by this point. As we approached our room he began incoherently ranting at me to find the room repeatedly calling me 'stupid girl, stupid bitch'. As I was holding our, awake baby I kept calm and tried to keep him calm too as we entered the room.

Once in the room he continued ranting and started sort of squaring up to me (as in getting very close to me in an aggressive way, sort of implying he might hurt me). At no point did he actually, physically hurt me.
I was worried for our baby at this point and tried to get to the bathroom with the excuse of changing his nappy. He blocked the entrance and demanded I put our son on the floor and not to go into the bathroom.
At this point I pushed past him and locked the two of us in the bathroom. I felt scared and threatened at this point and planned to spend the night in there.

For 5 minutes he was silent, maybe asleep and when he woke he had forgotten everything and was wondering why we were locked in the bathroom. When I told him what had happened he was in floods of tears, saying he had no recollection of any of this.
The next morning things were back to normal-ish and after some more apologies we just got on with the day.

Should I be acting in a different way. I don't feel threatened by him at all now, just that night.

OP posts:
Flexibilityisquay · 21/10/2014 10:06

I don't think there is any right or wrong way that you should be acting. I do think this was very worrying behaviour from him though. Has anything like this happened before? How is the relationship generally? My main concern would be are you and the baby going to be safe next time he gets drunk?

BecauseIsaidS0 · 21/10/2014 10:06

I think he's got a problem with alcohol. No one should drink so much that they become that aggressive. I'd tackle the alcohol problem rather than the actual behaviour.

TheWitTank · 21/10/2014 10:07

That must have been absolutely terrifying OP Flowers.
I would forgive on the condition that he never drink again. It obviously does not bring out the best in him, and if I was him and I found out what had happened I would never want to drink again anyway.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/10/2014 10:08

Is his drinking more important than the fact that he scared you and your baby to the extent that you were going to sleep in a bathroom?

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 10:08

He has never acted quite like this before. He has done the 'stupid blah blah' rant before but not with aggressive behaviours though.

OP posts:
Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 10:09

I think you've all hit the nail on the head. I do think he has a alcohol problem and I know he's very reluctant to address it.

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 21/10/2014 10:10

Any forgiveness would depend on him getting immediate help for his alcoholism.

No more drink, ever.

Even then, you would be perfectly reasonable to no longer be able to trust him.

bodhranbae · 21/10/2014 10:11

I have been in an abusive relationship where alcohol was the trigger for him.

Every time he goes near a drink you'll start worrying where it might end.
You have a right to live your life without menace and abuse - irrespective of whether your DH has had a drink or not.
Alcohol is no excuse for DV.

Serenitysutton · 21/10/2014 10:12

This is a but strange . I don't think anyone here can diagnose an alcohol problem from the information here but blacking out for such a brief period then losing all memory makes it sound as though the whole thing happened whilst he was in a blackout.

How did he drink that day? Faster than usual? A different type of drink than usual?

Serenitysutton · 21/10/2014 10:13

Bit strange, not but. apologises.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 10:15

serenity. He drank a lot on an empty stomach. He does drink more than he should but does not get into this sort of state regularly.

OP posts:
duhgldiuhfdsli · 21/10/2014 10:20

then losing all memory

Or so he says. It's rather convenient, isn't it, all that "forgetting" stuff?

Serenitysutton · 21/10/2014 10:27

I don't think when that drunk you have the ability to be that conniving really duh.

I come from a culture/ background of lots and lots of drinking. It's different to what most people on MN seem to experience but it isn't alcoholism. Therefore on the basis of what you've said (that he drinks lots at social occasions but no mention of any other time, that it was on a empty stomach) I would be fuming but I don't think you've forgiven too quickly.

I know I've done horrible things whilst drunk, they are different things to this but shameful all the same.

I would expect this to be enough of a shock to keep him off the booze for a while though, so time will tell.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 21/10/2014 10:27

Unless you make this a line drawn in the sand op he will continue drinking and the violence may well escalate.

If he's really sorry he would stop the tears and cut down or stop drinking.

If he doesn't Then it's crocodile tears.

Notgoodwithwords · 21/10/2014 10:35

Nobody can say if you're forgiving him is right or wrong it's your life...

Personally I would lose a lot of love & respect for a partner who did this to me in particular while I was holding our baby... He would have to never ever get that drunk again & never be so aggressive to me again or it would be finished.

RobbStarksBitch · 21/10/2014 10:40

I would base my opinion of whether you have forgiven too quickly on what happens next. How is he going to approach drinking now? If that were me and I acting so disgustingly whilst drunk I can hand on heart say that I would not drink again. The thought of anyone being scared of me would break my heart!

May09Bump · 21/10/2014 10:57

Sounds like he has a drink problem, as he has never been aggressive before, could his drink have been spiked (maybe the memory loss would be real in this case)?

I think it's hard with a baby, you tend to go on autopilot when you come up against issues. I would push for him to get some alcohol addiction counselling, you simply can't not have that situation again. God, you managed it really well - must have been awful to keep calm for the baby and be really scared at the same time.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 21/10/2014 11:01

How I would deal with this would depend on whether or not he cut down on the amount he drinks in future.

Has he taken responsibility for his behaviour or did he minimise it?

AuntySib · 21/10/2014 11:06

Do you really believe that he had forgotten everything? If that's true then he really does have an alcohol problem which needs to be addressed.
I can tell you from experience that if he drinks heavily again , his behaviour is
Likely to get more extreme - last time you were so scared you had to lock yourself away with your baby, next time one or both of of you may get injured.
I think its very convenient that he forgot what he had done , it would be very difficult for him to face up to the reality.

I think his choices are now to accept that he cannot drink again, or to understand that if he does he may injure you or your baby. So if he chooses to carry on drinking you will know where you stand.
If he chooses not to drink, he may need help which he could access through AA or his gp.
If he fails to seek help,well you will know how seriously he takes your safety. It shouldn't require you asking him to do anything, if he is really remorseful for his threatening and aggressive behaviour he will take urgent steps to get help, or simply refrain from drinking. If he does neither then you will know that your safety and that of his child are second to his own self indulgence.

Don't be thinking of forgiveness yet, but make sure you have escape routes and funds available to enable you to get out in an emergency.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 11:08

He took responsibility for his actions and said he was sorry.
Drinking moderate amounts is ingrained in his (ours pre-baby) lifestyle so cutting out drink altogether is unlikely.
He has said he will try not to get this drunk again.

OP posts:
Callani · 21/10/2014 11:14

Saying he will try not to get that drunk again is not taking responsibility for his actions. It is very easy not to get that drunk again - you just watch what you're having throughout the night and don't drink as much. You make a concerted effort to have water between drinks, or you opt out of rounds.

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 11:21

I don't think anyone who has the care of a child should get anywhere near that drunk and that stupid. The fact that you were there to take care of your baby is irrelevant.

We both like a drink, but neither of us has ever been drunk because personally I think it's a good idea to know when to stop.

It's hard to say if you forgave too quickly because everyone have a different tolerance of what constitutes too much alcohol and it very much depends on what happens next. If he never does it again then you made a good call. If he can't control himself then you will obviously need to have a rethink.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 21/10/2014 11:23

He's minimising it love. He should be promising you he will never get drunk and aggressive again and keep to that.

trying isn't good enough.

Chandon · 21/10/2014 11:24

saying sorry is not enough though.

My DH did something similar, only that he got very angry and shouty with a friend of mine, and angry (aggressive) with a random man at the next table, who was there with his son.

It was very "lucky" that it happened in public, as his drinking had gradually been getting worse, and we have good friends who all sat him down and told him how badly he behaved.

The thing is, he did not remember it, so the next morning he said a vague "sorry" and all was as normal. Only it wasn't, not for me, as I found it difficult to move on from having seen that side of him.

That is when the friends stepped in and chatted to him, so he fully realised quite how badly he had behaved.

I think your DH does not quite believe how badly he behaved and how scared you were, unless you really sit down and tell him exactly how you felt, and how upset you still are. You see, he does not remember it, so it is easy to "forget" for him. And very convenient for him too, to just pretend it never happened.

Not so easy for you, though. or is it? In which case, ignore my post.

It will likely happen again, as there is not way to avoid getting that drunk again. As after 4-5 pints, most people lose their inhibitions and cannot suddenly stop drinking, instead they think "fuck it, nobody tells me how much I drink, I will bloody well have another drink. And another, and one more"

....

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 11:25

Oh and like AuntySib I was a bit Hmm when you said that he had forgotten what he did after 5 minutes. I'm sorry but I think he knew he had gone too far and was looking for an easy way out. Much easier to "forget" than to actually face up to bad behaviour. That would bother me.