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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH was drunk and aggressive. AIBU in forgiving too quickly?

132 replies

PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 10:00

We've been together for 8 years and although he regularly drinks far too much at social occasions, he has never acted in this way.

After a wedding we headed back to our hotel, him paralytic, me sober as we had our 16month old with us. Through the night he had slowly got more and more drunk and he could barely stand by this point. As we approached our room he began incoherently ranting at me to find the room repeatedly calling me 'stupid girl, stupid bitch'. As I was holding our, awake baby I kept calm and tried to keep him calm too as we entered the room.

Once in the room he continued ranting and started sort of squaring up to me (as in getting very close to me in an aggressive way, sort of implying he might hurt me). At no point did he actually, physically hurt me.
I was worried for our baby at this point and tried to get to the bathroom with the excuse of changing his nappy. He blocked the entrance and demanded I put our son on the floor and not to go into the bathroom.
At this point I pushed past him and locked the two of us in the bathroom. I felt scared and threatened at this point and planned to spend the night in there.

For 5 minutes he was silent, maybe asleep and when he woke he had forgotten everything and was wondering why we were locked in the bathroom. When I told him what had happened he was in floods of tears, saying he had no recollection of any of this.
The next morning things were back to normal-ish and after some more apologies we just got on with the day.

Should I be acting in a different way. I don't feel threatened by him at all now, just that night.

OP posts:

aermingers · 21/10/2014 11:25

He needs to stop drinking. If he can behave like that in front of his child he shouldn't be drinking at all.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 21/10/2014 12:03

Drinking moderate amounts is ingrained in his (ours pre-baby) lifestyle

Drinking to the point of aggression and memory loss is perhaps your definition of "moderate". It wouldn't be many people's.

Serenitysutton · 21/10/2014 12:17

If you've never been drunk, you don't like a drink that much

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 12:32

That has to one of the most ridiculous comments ever Serenity.

I also like cake, but I couldn't eat a whole family sized one.

Serenitysutton · 21/10/2014 12:36

I really don't think it is one of the most ridiculous comments ever
Most people don't set out to be drunk. They enjoy it and after a couple they start lose the judgement to stop.

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 12:40

Well that's your experience, not mine.

Perhaps the fact that my tipple of choice is wine makes a difference. Once the bottle is gone it's gone and it's quite easy not to open another one.

That's one bottle between two or three people by the way.

The amount my husband spends on wine we couldn't afford any more.

Serenitysutton · 21/10/2014 12:42

This was a wedding. It's nothing to do with opening a fresh bottle of wine. There was booze everywhere.

notagainffffffffs · 21/10/2014 12:47

My dh acted lime a complete twat while I was pregnant and drink drove. He'd had a difficult week but I told him when he was sober that if if he ever had more than 2 pints again, me and the dc are gone. I meant it 2 years ago and I mean it now.he knows that and is way too scared of losing us to bother getting pissed.
I k ow some people think I crack the whip etc but I grew up with a alcholic mum so im protecting my dc from that shit

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 12:49

So if it's there you have to drink it?

The last wedding we went to had a free bar. The vast majority of guests managed to avoid getting drunk and only one was noticeably the worst for wear.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 21/10/2014 12:52

There was booze everywhere.

So what? People who aren't alcoholics manage to control themselves.

Nomama · 21/10/2014 13:01

And people who aren't alcoholics but have a low threshold do find it difficult to simply stop.

Saying that a non alcoholics behaviour is how an alcoholic's behaviour should be understood or judged is daft.

If OP's DH is one of those people who is not (yet) an alcoholic but has a low threshold for control when drunk then this instance, properly discussed and dealt with, could be the turning point for the better in their lives.

Or, it could just as easily be the first instance she sees of how poorly he is now controlling his drinking and he will not be able to control it, as he may be an incipient, ion the verge, full blown alcoholic.

OP, you need to continue the discussion with him. You both need to understand the triggers, the consequences. You so you can avoid, run like hell, if he does descend into this behaviour again, and him so that he can practice self control and avoiding behaving like that again.

It is then up to both of you what you do, in or out of a relationship.

Good luck.

Serenitysutton · 21/10/2014 13:08

It's not only alcoholics who get drunk. There is no point advising if you have no understanding of how people can get drunk, accidentally or otherwise

Nomama · 21/10/2014 13:12

Me?

I was agreeing with you! And I know only too well how people can get drunk!

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 13:16

I think Serenity (ironic name?) wants to argue with everyone.

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 13:18

I think Serenity was taking to dugh rather than you Nomama.

PumpkinGordino · 21/10/2014 13:23

it's clearly still on your mind though, isn't it?

Serenitysutton · 21/10/2014 13:37

I didn't mean you nomama, just the couple of posters who seem to find getting drunk scandalous.

ApocalypseThen · 21/10/2014 13:42

It's worrying that his child sees him that drunk. Is that not an issue for you?

Also, how did he have permission to lose the run of himself to that extent? What would have happened if you'd fancied an equivalent skinful? Are you the default parent, and is that ok with you?

MrsHathaway · 21/10/2014 14:01

If you'd posted in the night, when you were barricaded in the bathroom, we'd probably have told you to call the police. That's how badly he behaved.

"Try not to get drunk" - he's declaring that the drink has more control over his behaviour than he does. That being the case, the next time you go out together, he needs to be the sober one.

You say you had a boozy lifestyle before DC, but you evidently have no problem staying sober - so it isn't the lifestyle but the man.

Canyouforgiveher · 21/10/2014 14:05

Serenity, getting drunk in itself isn't scandalous depending on the circumstances. But in these circumstances - he got paralytic drunk at a wedding (not a stag do, not a drinking session), he was so uncharacteristically aggressive and threatening to his wife in front of his baby that she locked herself and her baby in the bathroom and he didn't remember it afterwards (he blacked out) - surely getting that drunk is scandalous?

In my opinion, acting as if it was just a bad drunk and he apologised so on we go the way you might if your husband threw up into the flower pot after a night's drinking is not a wise way to proceed. And the OP knows it too. The next time she is out with him and he drinks like that, what should she do? What will he do next time he is black out drunk?

I don't know if he is an alcoholic or a problem drinker or whatever. But he surely isn't a normal drinker - even if we allow the definition of a normal drinker to include getting drunk sometimes. I think this is the moment the OP can change what she will put up with in her marriage.

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 14:08

Just to clarify I don't find getting drunk scandalous. It's just something I don't do despite the regular consumption of red wine.

I do however have a problem with adults getting as drunk as the ops husband when in the company of young children and particularly when they have their own babies with them. No one needs to do that no matter how much alcohol is floating around. He also became aggressive and scary. That isn't right in any situation.

ApocalypseThen · 21/10/2014 14:08

You say you had a boozy lifestyle before DC, but you evidently have no problem staying sober - so it isn't the lifestyle but the man

You do need to expect your lifestyle to change once you have a baby, too. Just because that was ok pre baby has no implications for post baby life.

WerkSupp · 21/10/2014 14:11

You have got so used to living with an aggressive dunk you even minimise it. I'd have called the police on him. Any man who calls me a stupid bitch would be an ex soonish.

Sorry, I feel for your child, growing up with an abusive alkie and a mum who minimises.

guitarosauras · 21/10/2014 14:11

'cutting back is unlikely'

i'd be so upset at my behavior that i wouldn't trust myself to drink again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2014 14:14

He has said he will try not to get this drunk again. As we used to say in rehab, "trying is lying". If he never drank again, I would be inclined to forgive. If he does, he doesn't care.

Calling the mother of his child a bitch, aggressively and detaining her, in front of the child is SS and Police time. Is that normal in your life?

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