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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was drunk and aggressive. AIBU in forgiving too quickly?

132 replies

PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 10:00

We've been together for 8 years and although he regularly drinks far too much at social occasions, he has never acted in this way.

After a wedding we headed back to our hotel, him paralytic, me sober as we had our 16month old with us. Through the night he had slowly got more and more drunk and he could barely stand by this point. As we approached our room he began incoherently ranting at me to find the room repeatedly calling me 'stupid girl, stupid bitch'. As I was holding our, awake baby I kept calm and tried to keep him calm too as we entered the room.

Once in the room he continued ranting and started sort of squaring up to me (as in getting very close to me in an aggressive way, sort of implying he might hurt me). At no point did he actually, physically hurt me.
I was worried for our baby at this point and tried to get to the bathroom with the excuse of changing his nappy. He blocked the entrance and demanded I put our son on the floor and not to go into the bathroom.
At this point I pushed past him and locked the two of us in the bathroom. I felt scared and threatened at this point and planned to spend the night in there.

For 5 minutes he was silent, maybe asleep and when he woke he had forgotten everything and was wondering why we were locked in the bathroom. When I told him what had happened he was in floods of tears, saying he had no recollection of any of this.
The next morning things were back to normal-ish and after some more apologies we just got on with the day.

Should I be acting in a different way. I don't feel threatened by him at all now, just that night.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 21/10/2014 20:19

Trying not to get that drunk, when getting that drunk means he physically threatens you when you're holding your baby is not good enough.

This is the sober him and he is effectively saying he'll try not to end up in a situation where he may beat you up. Not - "I will do everything in my
Power to make sure I never hurt you or my child" but "I'll try".

wonderingsoul · 21/10/2014 20:30

IM SORRY OP, BUT FROM PERSONAL EXPERAINCE IWOULD FIND THIS WORRYING, AND I ACTED THE SAME WAY YOU DID, AFTER THE FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES, ESPECIALY THE NOT REMEMBERING.

IF HE IS TRUELY SORRY HE WILL LAY OF THE ALCHOLE,

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 21/10/2014 20:33

I still can't believe he'd ever be physically abusive towards me even when drunk although as I said in my op on this occasion I was worried it could escalate to that but then I felt I bit stupid for thinking that way the next morning and thought I must have been overreacting.

No. You were overreacting. However, now you are minimising.

If next time he pushes you, even just enough to make you drop the baby, and the baby is seriously injured, then what... will you forgive and forget then? Are you willing to take the risk?

I didn't think my stbx would ever hurt me or the dcs. Until he lost his temper and hit our 3yo. And now he's the stbx...

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 21/10/2014 20:33

Correction.. you were NOT overreacting. Argh.. my brain and fingers are not working well together today.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 20:50

Sorry to sound stupid but is minimising 'excusing him or playing it down'? I haven't heard this phrase before.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 21/10/2014 20:59

The thing is, OP, you were AFRAID of him when it happened. In the light of day, when it's no longer going on, you're telling yourself "don't be silly, this is HIM, I'm not afraid of him..." and telling yourself you overreacted. But if you're honest with yourself, you were AFRAID of him. He was aggressive and threatening and you were AFRAID. You locked yourself in the bathroom because you knew there was a possibility that you and your dc could get hurt. Doesn't that tell you something?

And he is now saying he'll TRY not to do it again? How can you think that's good enough? He'll TRY not to put you in a position to be afraid so that you have to lock yourself and your child in the bathroom to feel safe from him? Is TRY really good enough for you?

MrsHathaway · 21/10/2014 21:01

Minimising is playing it down.

"Oh but" or "only" are typical signposts.

"Oh but he isn't normally like that and it was only for five minutes and it's all ok now" is minimising.

UnwittingAccomplice · 21/10/2014 21:30

Your baby was there.
First he got blind drunk (problem 1). Then he acted in a threatening way towards you while your baby was there and disregarded your baby's safety (biiiig problem 2).

That's NOT the normal behaviour of a loving parent.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/10/2014 21:58

OP you don't have to wait until he does it again to say "This is a big deal. You scared me. Saying that you'll try not to get so drunk again isn't good enough. You need to make sure this doesn't happen again'
You know what worries me the most? That you're smoothing everything down. That you accepted a half-assed promise to maybe try not to scare the shit out of you and your baby again. That you don't want to upset him by bringing it up again when you've already sort of agreed that the matter is closed. That you don't trust that you were right to be afraid even though at the time you were ready to spend the night in a bathroom with your baby rather than face him. That you don't think you could defend your position on that with him.
All of that makes me think that this is more than one drunken loss of control. There is a whole imbalance of power in this relationship that makes me think of abuse and control.

Littleen · 21/10/2014 22:01

I would forgive (in time) but would set down an ultimatum of not drinking again, more than 1-2 pints, ever.

ApocalypseThen · 21/10/2014 22:11

After what he did, and bearing in mind that he is an actual parent, it shouldn't be up to the OP to stipulate this. He either makes that choice himself or there's no value to it. She's not his mammy.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 22:11

goldfish what would you have done in my situation?
I really don't know where to go from here. I seriously think he might be depressed and yes he does drink.

I don't want to rock the boat as he seems fragile, not controlling. When he's happy, I'm happy. That sounds embarrassingly weak but it's true. His mood sets the tone for the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 22:13

There is no way he could cut down to that. I've tried asking him before as nights (with baby) are always up to me as he would have some beers and smoke some weed. He won't cut down.

OP posts:
duhgldiuhfdsli · 21/10/2014 22:17

nights (with baby) are always up to me as he would have some beers and smoke some weed

What a fucking waste of space he is. An alcoholic drug addict who cares more about getting wasted and threatening his wife than looking after his child. It he weren't an addict, you wouldn't be so sure he can't stop it.

YouTheCat · 21/10/2014 22:19

He doesn't help with the baby. He puts you and your baby at risk with his drinking. He won't stop drinking to make sure this never happens again.

He doesn't give a shit about you. I don't care if he's depressed. Lots of people are depressed and they don't act like utter twats towards their partners and children.

If he can't/won't cut down to no more than a couple of pints then he has a serious problem with alcohol and he will get much worse.

Leave him - for your and your child's safety.

BackOnlyBriefly · 21/10/2014 22:22

It may not be his fault as such so it's fine to forgive him if you feel it was out of character, but it is his responsibility and up to him to avoid it happening again.

I gave up all alcohol when I was still relatively young (I'm a man if it makes any difference), I didn't drink all the time, but when i did I kept drinking until I was not in control. Mostly I fell asleep about then, but not always. I realised that I was like a car with the driver asleep at the wheel and it worried me.

I used to forget whole hours from the previous evening so I know that can really happen. Apparently I'd sometimes carry on drinking and talking, drinking (and falling over) long after the last bits I could remember.

Cutting down for me wouldn't have worked. I'd have one and think "This feels nice, but I'm not drunk so one more won't hurt".

It comes down to 'how important is it to be able to drink'.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 22:23

He really not a bad man. Yes I know he has a problem with alcohol but in the day he takes good care of our baby, doesn't drink or smoke in the day and works hard too. The problem is He relaxes too hard in the evening and then of course the incident in my op.

OP posts:
YellowSpoon · 21/10/2014 22:26

He is an alcoholic/addict whose mood dictates your day and that of your child. You know he won't change, it will escalate and your child will grow up in a fucked up relationship exposed to episodic chaotic/violent behaviour.

Imagine another wedding, you share a bottle with your partner over the dinner, you both dance with the toddler catch up with friends and go back to the hotel as a family. Your dp is up early and sorts the toddler whilst you go out for lunch with some friends, you meet up with dp and toddler and head off home. That is what you and your child deserve, ordinary, normal and kind.

VerityWaves · 21/10/2014 22:30

He is a waste of space.
He is not helping you will the baby, he is getting drunk and stoned.
To add insult to injury he nearly hurt you both and was aggressive and intimidating towards you. Why are you even with a man like this?
Don't tell me - he's a great Dad...
You are massively underplaying this.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/10/2014 22:30

Pat I was in your situation (or very similar) and he and I both blamed his drinking. I gave him an ultimatum: me or alcohol; one drink and I leave.

I did leave 3 sorry years later. It turns out he was a nasty bastard who would be abusive with or without a drink. it took me those 3 years to recognise other kinds of abuse because I was so grateful he wasn't drinking and physically abusing me.

I don't know if he's an alcoholic or if he's abusive. But you'll get a better idea once you start insisting that you are treated with respect. And for a start that means him making you feel confident that you are never made to feel the way you felt in that bathroom. Right now you're making plans for when it next happens, because you believe it can happen again. That's no way to live.

BertieBotts · 21/10/2014 22:33

Even if it was a one off, you can't just assume that. You need to confront him to find out what HE feels about it. If he's keen that it was a one off, then you need to know what he's planning to do to ensure that it never ever happens again.

Please don't stick your head in the sand about this. Things like this don't just magically happen. There was a chain of events which led up to you having to lock both of you in the bathroom (how could you have done this if your toddler was awake or needed you? It's never a good idea to put a locked door between you and a child unless it's for 5 minutes to use the toilet!) and at some point that chain could have been interrupted. It's not important at which exact point it went wrong, but he needs to know in himself what went wrong and how he's going to interrupt the chain in the future.

Calling you "stupid girl, stupid bitch" wasn't a one off, if I read that correctly? Would you like your DS to be called names like that if he happens to be around when Dad does this another time? Or a daughter?

You don't have to be mean and awful to him. But this is not compatible with family life, it needs to stop. You can do it sympathetically - I would sit down with him and say something like DH, I'm really concerned about you, I think that you need to see a doctor or something, because this can't keep on happening.

Bottom line, this behaviour is not appropriate around your child, sleeping or awake. So either he makes sure it doesn't happen or he can't be around the child.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 21/10/2014 22:33

The problem is He relaxes too hard in the evening

The problem is he's a drug addicted alcoholic.

Your problem is that you're not willing to see it.

You child's problem is that their parents are more interested in "relaxing" than in looking after a child.

YouTheCat · 21/10/2014 22:38

He's really not a bad man?

He is though. He dictates the mood. Everything revolves around that. He makes you afraid and once your child is older he'll make them afraid too.

A good man wouldn't do this in the first place. A decent man who made a mistake would move heaven and earth to put this right and he is doing nothing.

BertieBotts · 21/10/2014 22:38

Oh hang on, you were in the bathroom with the baby. Sorry, I misread that.

Still, same question. What would you do if your son was 3 years or 5 years or 7 years old, cold at being out of bed, distressed because he's tired and can't sleep standing up and he's too big for you to carry him, confused and asking why you're in the bathroom, scared because Daddy is shouting and banging through the door.

It is not normal to plan to spend the night in a bathroom with a 16 month old. In no way should you let this go, although I really understand the drive to go back to everything being normal. The thing is that is the very very worst thing that you can do. HE needs to analyse what went wrong here if there is any chance that he will be able to prevent it happening again. Don't assume that he is doing that, make sure he's doing it before you're stuck in the situation again.

MeadowHeartshimmertheFairy · 21/10/2014 22:39

I'm sure he's not a bad man all the time, we wouldn't have been with them in the first place if they were. But that's STILL not good enough for you or your baby.

You deserve someone who would never make you afraid of him. Never. And someone who would find choosing you over drink and weed the easiest choice in the world to make.

I fear yours, like mine, will continue to choose drink.

I just got so angry. That DS and I were being cheated out of our lovely family life, that our lives were being taken over by XH's behaviour or the threat of it. I realised that if I didn't leave, we would still be there in 10 years' time doing the same thing.

I hope it's not too late for your DH and that he can get the wake-up call he needs. Stop drinking or lose your family. There should be no contest.

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