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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was drunk and aggressive. AIBU in forgiving too quickly?

132 replies

PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 10:00

We've been together for 8 years and although he regularly drinks far too much at social occasions, he has never acted in this way.

After a wedding we headed back to our hotel, him paralytic, me sober as we had our 16month old with us. Through the night he had slowly got more and more drunk and he could barely stand by this point. As we approached our room he began incoherently ranting at me to find the room repeatedly calling me 'stupid girl, stupid bitch'. As I was holding our, awake baby I kept calm and tried to keep him calm too as we entered the room.

Once in the room he continued ranting and started sort of squaring up to me (as in getting very close to me in an aggressive way, sort of implying he might hurt me). At no point did he actually, physically hurt me.
I was worried for our baby at this point and tried to get to the bathroom with the excuse of changing his nappy. He blocked the entrance and demanded I put our son on the floor and not to go into the bathroom.
At this point I pushed past him and locked the two of us in the bathroom. I felt scared and threatened at this point and planned to spend the night in there.

For 5 minutes he was silent, maybe asleep and when he woke he had forgotten everything and was wondering why we were locked in the bathroom. When I told him what had happened he was in floods of tears, saying he had no recollection of any of this.
The next morning things were back to normal-ish and after some more apologies we just got on with the day.

Should I be acting in a different way. I don't feel threatened by him at all now, just that night.

OP posts:
Aliennation · 21/10/2014 14:19

He's going to try not to get that drunk again? How kind of him.
OP, I used to live with a man like this, fine for months on end until another 'episode', he's abusive.
You've said yourself he regularly drinks too much. If he's not willing to abstain completely (he's already shown he can't control his drinking) then you're going to have a lot more of these 'blackouts'. Do you want your child raised in this environment?
Maybe post in relationships.

pbwer · 21/10/2014 14:21

If it is a one-off then cut him a break. But in my experience you remember stuff no matter how drunk you get ( unless you are actually passed out) and so using the alco-amnesia excuse doesn't cut it i'm afraid.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 15:05

Non of this is normal in my life. It has happened this time however and as unacceptable as I found his behaviour somehow we reached a point of forgive and forget too quickly. If it ever happend again I would not have the same reaction as clearly it would not be a one off that he was sorry for. Time will tell.

I know he drinks too much in social situations and he needs to no when to stop.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 21/10/2014 15:19

Why do you think the next time will be different? This is an escalating scale of behaviour, if he goes back to screaming abuse when drunk, is that good enough?

Topseyt · 21/10/2014 15:23

I have seen this repeatedly over 20 years or more with my alcoholic BIL.

If the OP's husband really is an alcoholic, even a borderline one, then without acknowledgment of the problem from him and a huge and sustained attempt to get on top of it, then it often goes in only one direction from here - a downward spiral. I agree that the OP must drum into him in no uncertain terms how appalling and dangerous this behaviour was, and insist that he stops drinking and gets help. Time alone will tell her whether or not there is any hope of success there, as he will have to earn her trust again. The proof of this particular pudding is definitely in the eating.

Sometimes my BIL will make the effort to go without booze for some time. Perhaps weeks on end. Usually it happens when he knows he has screwed up big time somehow and wants to cover it up/pretend it didn't happen etc. That is what makes me doubt that the OP's husband did actually "forget" what happened. I think it is classic behaviour from someone who knows that they have a drinking problem, but does not wish to acknowledge it openly.

When my BIL is off the booze he is a totally different person, very affable and charming, but once he starts drinking again (as he invariably has so far) he reverts to illogical and aggressive behaviour. Alcohol and its effects have cost him many jobs, just about all of his past relationships with women, his marriage (his wife left with their child because she feared for their safety) and access to his child, who would now be about 11, but hasn't seen him since she was about 3 years old.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2014 15:27

He has done the 'stupid blah blah' rant before but not with aggressive behaviours though. It's not a one-off, it's an escalation.

You are also allowed to say to a normal, rational person, "I was in shock after what happened, I wasn't thinking clearly. I have realised I am actually very upset and am going to find this hard to get past without change on your part. What are you going to do to reassure me that this will never happen again? Trying is not good enough.". What do you think he would say and do?

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 15:27

No that's not good enough at all and I'm not expecting it to happen again. I'm still going on the premise that it was a horrible one off. That may sound naive but it's only happened once.

If we do have another situation like this I will not be so forgiving.

OP posts:
Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 15:30

The rants were pre baby when we'd go out together and in our social circle, mid twenties heavy drinking and I probably gave as good as I got then.

They hadn't happened for year which was another shock.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 21/10/2014 15:30

But he's been drunkenly abusive to you before. He may have only physically intimidated you on one occasion, but it sounds like there's a pattern of behaviour here.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 21/10/2014 15:32

I come from a culture/ background of lots and lots of drinking. It's different to what most people on MN seem to experience but it isn't alcoholism.

Yes Serenity I totally agree, many people do (rightly or wrongly) drink heavily fairly regularly and do get very, very drunk on occasion, but they are not alcoholics. And it is not necessarily a 'problem', except for their liver in the long term.

I know I've done horrible things whilst drunk, they are different things to this but shameful all the same.

However, I really think that if you are doing horrible, aggressive or very stupid things on the wrong end of a drink then you need to stop, whether you think it's alcoholism or not.

'I was drunk' is NEVER justification for behaving like a total arsehole. If you can't trust yourself to be nice when drunk then don't get drunk. Really.

ApocalypseThen · 21/10/2014 15:38

The rants were pre baby when we'd go out together and in our social circle, mid twenties heavy drinking and I probably gave as good as I got then.

Why has your behaviour changed when his hasn't? Are you the only parent?

I don't know about whether heavy drinking is normal, but I can say for sure my mother hasn't ever had to lock herself away from my father because he's drunkenly lost control. And neither have I with my husband - it's not normal, it's very extreme behaviour.

Spaceboundeminem · 21/10/2014 15:47

Just on the issues of blacking out/forgetting. I used to binge drink a lot. I wasn't a alcoholic. But I once drank to much to remember the night. In my case I passed out for 12 hours and woke up having forgot the night before.

I think op he should be cutting down drink and I think it's up to you if you forgive him.

Pickledmouse · 21/10/2014 15:47

I've experienced similar, though it only occurs after DP has gone to sleep after drinking. He wakes up a few hours after going to bed, it is impossible to get sense out of him. I will follow him around to make sure he doesn't fall down our steep stairs and on one occasion he grabbed hold of me when I was blocking a doorway and pushed me aside. He has absolutely no recollection of this and is normally a very kind man who I know would never intentionally hurt me. I was a little shaken up but I forgave him. I think if you are confident that it was a one off and out of character then you shouldn't feel guilty about forgiving too quickly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2014 15:47

Your choice, OP. Just a couple of points. If he does it again, have resources to hand immediately (Women's Aid number, bag with IDs and so on), you can go on Relationships for great advice on here.

Be aware of whether your behaviour changes as a result of his outburst. If it has, be advised that this is a pretty clear sign of how abuse works. Even if he never does anything again, you walking on eggshells and changing your behaviour (worrying about his drinking, policing his drinking, behaving differently when he does drink) is a sign that his behaviour has affected you.

Good luck, Pat.

MeadowHeartshimmertheFairy · 21/10/2014 17:23

I think you're married to XH OP!

It was when I was calmly planning how I would explain to DS why we were hiding from Daddy that I copped onto myself and left.

He'd done the 'outbursts' in his early twenties too and was likewise always apologetic and forgetful the next morning.

I had to accept that he knew how he could behave when drunk (not every time but I was always terrified just in case...) and still CHOSE to get that drunk. It was way more important than I was. I was just supposed to put up with it and forgive him. Every. Single. Time.

I wanted more. More for me and more for DS.

I left when DS was 10 months old after one outburst had ended up with him holding me in a headlock and trying to pull my clothes off as he wanted some sex. Best thing I ever did.

Sorry is not enough. He can never be trusted not to do it the next time he gets drunk. The choice should be simple: you or the drink

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 17:40

Thanks mrs tp . Good advice. I can't see how my behaviour won't change since the incident. I'll certainly be on standby at the next opportunity to drink that much (weddings, new year etc).

meadow I'm sorry you went through this and yes, worryingly I can see similarities in our situations. I still can't believe he'd ever be physically abusive towards me even when drunk although as I said in my op on this occasion I was worried it could escalate to that but then I felt I bit stupid for thinking that way the next morning and thought I must have been overreacting.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 21/10/2014 18:18

Quite simple you now put boundaries in place. He doesn't drink large amounts around you and if he is drinking he stays somewhere else - friends house/travel lodge

ArabellaTarantella · 21/10/2014 19:02

I don't think when that drunk you have the ability to be that conniving really duh. said Serenity

.......then you've obviously never lived with an alcoholic Hmm

DrCoconut · 21/10/2014 19:06

This is a huge red flag for me. My ex started like that ranting etc. then pushing and shoving. Then throwing things, breaking furniture and finally hitting me. I don't think laying off the booze is an unreasonable ask at all and both you and he need to be clear about boundaries and the consequences of crossing them from now on. I am not convinced this is the last episode at all sadly.

Hatespiders · 21/10/2014 19:07

It's very worrying thinking about you and your baby cowering in fear behind a bathroom door. You poor thing. If it had been me, I think I may have called the Police, as not only you but your child were in danger of assault. In that state who knows what he might have done. Did you consider phoning for help? If the Police had come and arrested him, it may have brought home to him just how serious his aggression was.
He absolutely must get immediate help with his drinking. It isn't to do with forgiving too quickly, it's to do with making sure this type of situation never happens again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2014 19:13

I can't see how my behaviour won't change since the incident. If yours does and his does not, what do you think that means?

BTW blocking your way like he did IS physical abuse. Squaring up to you and getting too close while aggressive is threatening physical abuse. Make no mistake, it could be a one-off but it was an incident of abuse. You can call it that and still stay with him but don't minimise, because he already is.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 19:24

spiders there was actually a phone in the bathroom to the hotel reception that was a great comfort to me. Things went from crazy to 'back to normal' so quickly but if it had continued I would have called for help.

OP posts:
duhgldiuhfdsli · 21/10/2014 19:41

I will follow him around to make sure he doesn't fall down our steep stairs

Why? His drinking, his neck.

Hatespiders · 21/10/2014 19:48

I'm glad to know you would call for help. Please don't hesitate to do so if (and I hope not!) this happens again. The Police would definitely take it seriously, it is DV and there's a baby involved too.
I'd put a little bouquet thing on the end of this, but I can't seem to get the smileys to work! (techno-nitwit!)

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/10/2014 20:05

You're massively under reacting. It's also very unrealistic and naive to think it won't happen again, he's already escalated from verbal abuse to physical abuse with your baby present.

He's going to do this again and he's very likely to hurt you or your baby. You have a responsibility to act here. He has to stop drinking, completely, if he can't control himself, otherwise you have to leave. Anything else is putting you and your child at further risk of harm.

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