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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was drunk and aggressive. AIBU in forgiving too quickly?

132 replies

PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 10:00

We've been together for 8 years and although he regularly drinks far too much at social occasions, he has never acted in this way.

After a wedding we headed back to our hotel, him paralytic, me sober as we had our 16month old with us. Through the night he had slowly got more and more drunk and he could barely stand by this point. As we approached our room he began incoherently ranting at me to find the room repeatedly calling me 'stupid girl, stupid bitch'. As I was holding our, awake baby I kept calm and tried to keep him calm too as we entered the room.

Once in the room he continued ranting and started sort of squaring up to me (as in getting very close to me in an aggressive way, sort of implying he might hurt me). At no point did he actually, physically hurt me.
I was worried for our baby at this point and tried to get to the bathroom with the excuse of changing his nappy. He blocked the entrance and demanded I put our son on the floor and not to go into the bathroom.
At this point I pushed past him and locked the two of us in the bathroom. I felt scared and threatened at this point and planned to spend the night in there.

For 5 minutes he was silent, maybe asleep and when he woke he had forgotten everything and was wondering why we were locked in the bathroom. When I told him what had happened he was in floods of tears, saying he had no recollection of any of this.
The next morning things were back to normal-ish and after some more apologies we just got on with the day.

Should I be acting in a different way. I don't feel threatened by him at all now, just that night.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 21/10/2014 22:41

The good bits dont justify his bad behaviour
He only has to get so drunk he injures you or your baby once to cause lasting damage. Will you wait for that ?

If he can only be good in the daytime then he can't stay with you overnight.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 22:42

yellowspoon. That sounded such a nice fantasy you had me in tears!!

bertie it was me and Ds in the toilet. I wouldn't have put a locked door between us. The name calling was rare and years ago. I'm not excusing it but trying to highlight how out of the blue this behaviour was.

duh I'm certainly not prioritising relaxing above my child. Why do you think that?

OP posts:
duhgldiuhfdsli · 21/10/2014 22:51

I'm certainly not prioritising relaxing above my child.

You're prioritising your husband's relaxing. You're making endless excuses as to why he can't possibly stop drinking or stop using drugs, you're relaxed about cowering in the bathroom while he attempts to attack you and your child, and now he's sobered up (with a convenient "memory loss") you're unable to put your child's interests above his addictions. Look after your child. Stop making excuses for addicts.

ByTheWishingWell · 21/10/2014 22:52

The whole thing sounds terrifying, and I'm sorry you went through it. I think you're massively under reacting (perhaps understandably, because it's hard to accept that this is who he is), but I think that for your child's sake you need to realise how serious this was. You seem to be justifying it with how much you both used to drink, and that really isn't relevant.

Before we had DD, DP and I lived a very drunken student life- we played drinking games, took part in drinking competitions, regularly got so drunk that one of us needed to be helped home/ threw up/ blacked out. As did a lot of our student friends. We grew up when we had DD- neither of us have been drunk since, we both stopped smoking, we don't see our old drinking buddies anymore. It sounds like you grew up when you had your baby, and your partner didn't. If you didn't have a baby, it would be entirely up to you if you wanted to put up with his behaviour, but you do, and your priority should be your child. If your DH had made your child his priority, he would now be devastated about his behaviour, and he would be willing to not get drunk again (not just 'try'). You say he wouldn't cut his drinking right down, so getting wasted (and risking scaring or hurting you and his baby) is more important to him than you not being afraid of him.

I think you need to safeguard your child, and make sure he doesn't grow up with a dad who gets paralytic in front of him, is aggressive to his mother, and controls the mood in the household.

BertieBotts · 21/10/2014 22:53

Pat, Yellow's story isn't a fantasy, it's reality for lots of us. It should be reality for you too. (And I've been in a less supportive relationship, so I know that weird disconnect when you read about it but really - it's normal and how it should be.) Maybe it can be a reality with your H, but if it is to be the case then you need to acknowledge that it happened and he needs to do the bulk of the working out why and how and how to prevent it. The fact that it's out of the blue is even more reason to stop and say "Hang on, WTF happened here?!" It's about drawing a boundary more than anything. Letting it go with an apology is not doing anything to resolve the situation, and it will happen again.

Sorry about misreading your post. I wrote a bit more when I realised but couldn't edit my original one :)

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 21/10/2014 23:13

No problem bertie. I know I need to revisit the conversation but dreading it.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/10/2014 23:32

It's not a nice one to have :( But hopefully will be the start of something very positive for your whole family.

wobblyweebles · 21/10/2014 23:51

So looking at the facts...

He drinks regularly
He smokes weed regularly
As a result you don't feel he's competent to look after your baby at night
He is moody to the extent that you are only happy if he is in a good mood
He got so drunk and aggressive while you both were with your baby that you had to put a locked door between you and him to feel safe
He's going to 'try' not to get that drunk again

It's not good is it?

sykadelic · 22/10/2014 03:47

Have you considered whether he's bipolar or something? It seems he needs a fair bit of "medicinal" assistance to help him relax, or be happy.

You've said this aggressive behaviour is out of character for your H, it isn't. It's an escalation of known aggressive behaviour resulting in you locking yourself and your CHILD in another room.

Why did he want you to put the child down? What would have have done? If you had been injured, who looks after your child. Your H certainly wasn't in a position to do so.

Why are you "okay" with being verbally abused? It's behaviour you have accepted as "normal". Would you think that's okay if if was your child being verbally abused by their partner?

Your H needs to admit this is a serious problem. Not something to be swept under the carpet or "gotten over". It need to be worked on. He needs to admit he has a problem and takes steps to fix it.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 22/10/2014 04:51

So even when he isn't getting totally shitfaced and abusing you and terrifying you after weddings, he cannot be trusted on an ordinary night at home to be supportive with the baby because he's always had a enough alcohol and enough weed as to be rendered pretty useless in a crisis? Hmm

Lovely.

What are you going to do if you go down with the flu? What about when you have another baby and a toddler who won't settle?

firesidechat · 22/10/2014 07:44

sykadelic please don't roll out the old bipolar excuse. I have a relative with severe mental health problems and I see nothing in the ops description of her husband that in any way suggests he is ill. She is already prepared to make excuses and I don't think another reason to let it slide will help.

NutcrackerFairy · 22/10/2014 07:57

I can't believe that some on here are advocating forgive and forget.

Your DP was aggressive, verbally and physically, to the extent that you felt you had to lock yourself in the bathroom.

I would personally contact Al-Anon OP for more advice and support at this time. Please don't just sweep it under the carpet.

Thanks
DontDrinkAndFacebook · 22/10/2014 08:59

The man isn't behaving like a twat because he is bi polar, he is behaving like a twat because he is a manchild who cannot prioritise his wife and child over his liking for drink and drugs.

minifingers · 22/10/2014 11:36

If you can't trust yourself

  • not to behave like a total cunt in front of a small child when you've been drinking
  • not to be able to stop drinking when you're surrounded by alcohol

...then you have a problem with alcohol and should probably stop drinking.

Honestly, the number of comments on this thread from people who think drunkenness is a reasonable leisure pursuit. Jeeze. No wonder the NHS is in crisis.

minifingers · 22/10/2014 11:42

Sorry, meant to say, would second getting in touch with Al-anon.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 22/10/2014 19:44

Just read the last few comment, minifingers I know what you mean about people normalising drinking to excess but I'm one of its biggest culprits which is part of the problem. dont drink and facebook difficult to read but yes I will get in touch with al anon. He's out drinking with friends this evening so I will gage what happens next on how he is when he gets in.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 22/10/2014 19:47

Despite what happened, he's back out on the beer?

Please keep you and your child safe.

Nomama · 22/10/2014 19:58

Good luck Pat. You will have your answer later tonight.

Keep you and yours safe. I hope he has learned that lesson and doesn't let you down.

Original poster
PatButchersLostEaring · 22/10/2014 19:59

Me too. I'm on high alert and will of course keep my sons safety my top priority.

OP posts:
MrsTerrorPratchett · 22/10/2014 20:33

It might be worth making sure that someone is aware in RL so someone can check on you. When I worked somewhere dangerous, we had a system that if someone called you or texted, using a word that was anything to do with red, that meant you checked further. So, red, scarlet, claret anything 'red' meant someone would check. You could text, 'LOL I thin DH has been at the claret tonight" and I would know there was a problem, without him knowing.

GoldfishCrackers · 23/10/2014 07:50

Hope last night was uneventful.
But I'm shocked he's out drinking so soon. Speaks volumes about how much he cares about your feelings. Any normal person would know that would scare you and wouldn't want to do that to you.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 23/10/2014 08:10

OP, I hope you're okay this morning. Quite frankly, I'm not shocked that he is out drinking already as he's already given the impression that the booze is more important to him than you and his child. But I AM shocked that you're still there as he's just handed you a clear message that he is NOT going to stop, that your concerns are irrelevant, and that he doesn't give a fig about either of you. He is a selfish irresponsible person. Oh, and dangerous as well.

43percentburnt · 23/10/2014 08:20

Pat, what do you want to happen? How do you want your life to be?

MrsHathaway · 23/10/2014 09:24

He went out drinking last night?

I think he definitely has a problem with alcohol. I hope you get a chance to talk to Al-Anon today for some clarity.

But aside from that, he is putting alcohol ahead of you and your tiny toddler yet again. You have to put your child first, because he doesn't. What kind of life is that?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/10/2014 09:27

He threatened you and your baby less than a week ago and he's out drinking again? Cunt. Pathetic, alcoholic cunt.