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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a newborn needs its mother to focus on him/her?

150 replies

Thruaglassdarkly · 04/08/2014 20:55

Ok, this is going to sound such a troll post and I wish it were, but sadly it's not.
My friend had a baby 3 months ago, but has since decided to be poly-amorous with a guy she met on a website a month ago. She is married and he has a long term partner. Both their partners are aware they recently met up for a rather fun filled weekend. She's fallen head-over-heels for this guy and he her. All parties are consensual to this very unconventional arrangement.
The whole thing blows my mind, but each to their own and as long as they are all in agreement.
But here is the big thing for me....a 3 month old baby! She seems so caught up in this guy and this new arrangement, and I am just being horribly judge-y in my head, thinking why are you not focused on your newborn at this stage???? She is now putting shout outs on Facebook to ask someone to babysit the baby for an afternoon and night, whilst she goes out with both of her men to a fetish fair - obviously she doesn't want to ask her family, as they will disapprove of her lifestyle.
Ugh, she's my friend and I care about her. I should just leave her to it, right? I've not said anything to her, just feeling a bit frustrated in my head about it.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/08/2014 21:01

The thing that astounds me about this story is that she has the time, energy or inclination to be doing what you described.

I'd leave her to it. Permanently. She's not right in the head, and very likely none of the others are, too.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/08/2014 21:03

Newborn babies need to be looked after, but as long as she's doing that I don't see the problem? Is she forgetting to feed/change it? I don't think there is anything wrong with using a babysitter (as long as they're competent).

funchum8am · 04/08/2014 21:03

I can't remember even considering sex with DH when dd was 3 months, let alone getting busy with a new partner. Sorry I have nothing more helpful to say...my mind is, well, boggling! I can see you are trying to be non judgmental and struggling...am sure I would feel similarly.

Lottapianos · 04/08/2014 21:05

YANBU OP. Of course a newborn needs its parents' full attention and devotion. Did she want to become a parent? It sounds like she might be in shock and denial about having had a baby and is trying to distract herself. Terribly sad and very worrying - outcomes for babies who don't have sensitive responsive care are not good.

SaucyJack · 04/08/2014 21:09

The bitch in me wants to say that three months after giving birth she probably needs two blokes at once to fill her up......

However. YANBU OP. He's too young to be passed about so the parents can be off out swapping car keys or whatever it is they do these days.

CultureSucksDownWords · 04/08/2014 21:09

I am amazed that she has the energy and interest to so actively pursuing a new relationship so soon after giving birth. I would also be concerned that this sudden interest is being fuelled by a reaction to becoming a new parent. It's a shame, but if the baby is being looked after in terms of being fed, changed, safe etc then there isn't anything you can do I suppose.

Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 04/08/2014 21:09

Outraged....she handed me the baby to cuddle and I have to say, I heaved. Didn't smell particularly of wee or dirty nappies, just very dirty clothes. She loves him, I know. She is just wanting a baby sitter, it's almost like anyone will do whether they know him or not or have experience of newborns or not. Ugh....judging aren't I :( Sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 04/08/2014 21:11

Yeah, I feel she's in denial too. This new guy is taking up so much of her time and filling all our conversations at the moment, I want to say...ummm....baby???? lol

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 04/08/2014 21:16

If the baby is in very dirty clothes then that is a concern. Did you say anything to her at the time? How does she seem generally with the baby?

Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 04/08/2014 21:20

She seemed rather disengaged to be honest :( Talking to her now and she's saying her baby should be fine with a stranger as he's not clingy like my two are (who are in year 2 and 6 in primary) :( Trying to explain that babies of 3 months are not clingy as such.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 04/08/2014 21:30

Hmmm....well I wouldnt judge a woman who went back to work and put her three month old into childcare, but I do judge her for the choice of activity she is doing as opposed to looking after her son.

I do judge you slightly for making this all about the mum when clearly her and her OH are doing the same. Surely if you judge one parent you should both? They are both choosing to have their child babysat.

CultureSucksDownWords · 04/08/2014 21:30

Well I did leave my tiny baby to go to the Olympics when he was about 4 weeks old. He genuinely was not fussed who was there looking after him at that age, but I had a close family member babysitting so I was more than happy that he would be ok.

However it won't be long until her baby does get "clingy" as she has put it. I'd be worried if she seems disengaged and disinterested in her baby, and doesn't care about filthy clothes. Only you can decide if you think it's worth contacting someone about it though. Maybe you could speak to her local HV team if you are very concerned.

HaroldLloyd · 04/08/2014 21:32

Oh my giddy aunt, I hadn't even used a tampax by this stage.

greeneggsandjam · 04/08/2014 21:35

I think I would be judging you if you weren't judging her! She sounds awful (sorry).

Purplepoodle · 04/08/2014 21:36

My goodness, wonder if she could have attachment problems and trying to block out the feeling by focusing on something else.

Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 04/08/2014 21:43

Sorry ThinkIveBeenHacked - you make a valid feminist point. Thing is she is my friend, not her husband. Moreover, her husband was NOT ok with this scenario until after it was a done deal with her and her lover. He is sorta going along with it now as a fait accompli. So I kinda feel he is a bit wronged by this too. Unlike the baby, he has means to express this wrong however.

OP posts:
OneInAMillionYou · 04/08/2014 21:49

SaucyJack wins the thread with HaroldLloyd a close second . The quick wit of Mumsnet is a thing of joy!

gamerchick · 04/08/2014 21:51

I think if I could and putting everything else aside.. I would take the baby all I could and let them get on with it.

Little babies shouldn't smell bad :(

queenofthemountain · 04/08/2014 21:58

A 3 month old baby is not a newborn!!
Until few yers ago, and even now in other countries it was common for a woman to go back to work when the baby was 3 m old.

Dieu · 04/08/2014 22:30

It sounds like she is losing the plot a bit. Wonder if she could be a bit manic post birth. Or has she always been like this?

Lepaskilf · 04/08/2014 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWinnibago · 04/08/2014 22:34

I dunno. It's up to her isn't it? I find SaucyJacks comments about her "needing two men after a baby" more disgusting than this woman sleeping with two men to be honest.

If she wants two men that's her choice. So most people on here are all saying "How can she think of sex!?"

Who knows? She can...some women don't get put off sex after birth.

CultureSucksDownWords · 04/08/2014 22:36

It's not about what she's choosing to do when she's away from the baby, that is indeed up to her.

It's about the lack of interest in hand baby, and the apparent lack of care.

MrsWinnibago · 04/08/2014 22:36

Lepaskilf it's none of the health visitor's business! If the HV had an opinion about my sex life then she'd be out of the door.

CultureSucksDownWords · 04/08/2014 22:37

*her not "hand"

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