To think a newborn needs its mother to focus on him/her?

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Ok, this is going to sound such a troll post and I wish it were, but sadly it's not.
My friend had a baby 3 months ago, but has since decided to be poly-amorous with a guy she met on a website a month ago. She is married and he has a long term partner. Both their partners are aware they recently met up for a rather fun filled weekend. She's fallen head-over-heels for this guy and he her. All parties are consensual to this very unconventional arrangement.
The whole thing blows my mind, but each to their own and as long as they are all in agreement.
But here is the big thing for me....a 3 month old baby! She seems so caught up in this guy and this new arrangement, and I am just being horribly judge-y in my head, thinking why are you not focused on your newborn at this stage???? She is now putting shout outs on Facebook to ask someone to babysit the baby for an afternoon and night, whilst she goes out with both of her men to a fetish fair - obviously she doesn't want to ask her family, as they will disapprove of her lifestyle.
Ugh, she's my friend and I care about her. I should just leave her to it, right? I've not said anything to her, just feeling a bit frustrated in my head about it.

I didn't want idiots to accuse me of wanking over my friend's weirdo sex life or people to accuse me of slut shaming, when my friend is in no way a slut and I would fight anyone who would call her that!

I just wanted people to say, meh you are not judgy or meh, you are being judgy and her is why. Like decent, grown up adults. But instead, sadly, there are too many ignorant trolls on here who wreck it for the rest of us.

Anyway, I shan't be reading anything else on this thread, so if you want to pm me, do so directly.

The bitch in me wants to say that three months after giving birth she probably needs two blokes at once to fill her up......

That's fucking vile!

She's not right in the head

That's not much better...seriously, 'not right in the head' because she is having sex? Is she hurting anyone?

As long as the baby is well cared for & isn't neglected I think that mum can have sex with who she likes.

What judgemental bollocks...

As for the rest of it..

Re the 'dirty clothes' OP didn't say they were dirty, she said they smelt dirty...it is different. My friend is very eco friendly. She only uses water to wash clothes (unless very soiled, then she uses homemade stuff) and it comes straight from a rainwater tank, her clothes smell odd, really odd, unclean, even though they were actually clean. They are clean though.

I wanted rational debate Yet, YOU became irrational before anyone else did! You didn't a debate, you didn't want anything expect everyone to agree with you & tell how nasty your friend is!

If you are THAT concerned for her child & unless you have been living on Mars, you will know what you need to do = authorities.

I can't judge your friend based on your irrational & drip feedy posts, but I will judge you if you fail to report your concerns.

Well to be honest op your last post was completely different to your first post.

So now they are both filthy and the house is filthy?

She gets beaten up badly every weekend?

Her dh wants. Divorce ?

In your first post just the baby was a bit mucky, nothing about the house or her/h being filthy.

Her dh was fine with the situation and no violence mentioned just sex,

It's a hell of a drip feed here.

If the real situation is as you state now and you have concerns for the baby then contact SS.

The OP was right for not giving to many details away in the beginning, for reasons of anonymity as she said. The views of some people here and the language they use is quite disgusting. I hope the Ops friend comes to her senses quickly or that someone is able to give her and her family some help.

Yes I do see the op being worried about outing her friend but it's still a huge drip feed and presented as a massively more serious situation in her last post compared to the initial ones.

Of course if the op had posted her last post as her opening one them she may well have had different responses.

Personally her first post rang no alarm bells for me but clearly her last one does however you can't really expect posters to mind read.

You present the facts/issues and ask AIBU as much as you can in your initial post.

You initially posted about a situation that sounded perfectly in control, and the only 'problem' being your smallmindedness. When people pointed out to you that you are not the boss of other people's sexlives and that becoming a mother doesn't turn a woman into a sexless martyr, then you started screaming and hurling in stuff about mental illness and a filthy house.
I rather doubt it's as bad as you say. Perhaps if you got a hobby you would spend less time sticking your beak in where it isn't wanted.

I disagree - I thought there were a few worrying points in the OP that would concern me if it was a friend of mine.

Firstly, that she 'decided' to be polyamorous two months after giving birth and went quickly into having sex with someone she met online without her partner and is now 'head over heels'. I'd worry that:

A) she is particularly vulnerable in the first weeks after having her first baby and out-of-character behaviour could suggest PND or other post-partum mental issues.

B) from that description, she wasn't especially safe - I've read advice on here to people contemplating swinging and it's always been to go slowly, talk it through thoroughly with your partner, start out going to a safe environment like a club, don't go straight to one-on-one sex with a stranger etc.

C) the 'head over heels' part sounds like there is a strong emotional connection and afaik that's not really the idea of swinging so I'd be worried about the strain placed on her marriage, which already has the stress of a brand new baby.

I honestly don't think this is about judging sexual morality or insisting that mothers can't be sexual (if the genders were reversed in the OP, I bet the husband would have come in for tons more contemplation). But this, even without all the additional information added later, would ring alarm bells for me. The dripfed info obviously sets off nuclear sirens, but the original info is concerning.

If it had read 'my friend and her husband have always been interested in swinging and since their baby was two months old they've been chatting online with like-minded people on swinging sites. They've attended clubs and had sex with people there and have had good quality childcare for the baby, who they clearly love and cherish. AIBU to think she's a slag?' - well, then those of us who have recently given birth would squint disbelievingly through our bleary, sleep-deprived eyes and mutter 'Christ alive, rather her than me but good luck to her' whilst we wincingly try to find a comfy way to sit down.

But that wasn't the scenario in the OP and I think it would be an irresponsible friend who didn't express a bit of concern and worry. I think some of the responses have been overly harsh and not helpful.

Condemnation, not contemplation!

The initial post didn't make it sound perfectly under control to me at all, it read like a ticking time bomb. What a world we live in when people think its ok to behave like this!

Well since the drip feed of monumental proportions I don't think we can suggest that's ok.

Not sure why such salient points were left out of your original post though. Most odd.

Maybe the OP left out the alleged major details because she doesn't, actually, know very much about these people at all and is letting her narrow little suburban imagination run away with her. Maybe they've actually been swinging for years or at least discussing it for years (just not with OP).

I really still don't see what her sex life has to do with anyone.

If she is into BDSM then that is nothing to do with any one else. If she came back black and blue it might be because she likes the pain and was with a sadist. I know it may seem hard for people to understand this but this fetish does not mean someone is broken or has MH issues.

Op if you posted about a family who seemed like they was struggling and living in filthy conditions then you would have had a total different thread.

This is in no way a debate, no matter how much you try and say it is.

If you think the baby is being neglected by both parents, then contact the HV or SS.

I have to lol at the shrillness of some of these bitchy women. They could so easily have said, yeah, you are being judgey, woman. But no, they become ugly and nasty and spiteful and just plain ugh. To me this sort of over reaction and lack of true engagement with the spirit of the post exposes them as big old trolls who just live to cause dissent and shit stir.

I will never use this site again. I came on here with a genuine concern about a friend, didn't wish to say to much cos of anonymity, but people pushed and pushed for more info and I ended up revealing far more than I wished to.

This is a horrible and vicious site. Women should be looking out for each other and having each other's backs in my opinion. Not this. This is a travesty.

Only one week ago, my friend's husband wanted a divorce over her behaviour and now he has caved cos he can't face losing his kid. But that's fine, cos he is a man. If the roles were reversed, wonder what those bitchy types would say then?

FWIW, if you want my HONEST opinion on BDSM - I don't give a shit about it. Live and let live. Polyamory? Fine. But I don't like the fact that my friend has suddenly gotten into all this when she has a small baby she should be focusing on. Had she done it last year, who cares!n Had she done it when the kid was in school, fine. But now???? When it needs her and it needs its dad and she is jeopardising the whole thing for a quick shag. No. Not cool. Especially not cool is when her DH inevitably leaves her (and he will from what he's already said), and she is left with the baby and with her mental health issues and risks losing her child who she loves.

Ok, let's please close this topic. Admin? Please delete.

thru, you can report individual posts to MNHQ by clicking the Report button at the bottom right. They will delete personal attacks but will only zap a whole thread if it's a real bunfight. You have to report it though, they aren't just reading everything.

AIBU is a notoriously unpleasant part of the site; there are a lot of other boards which are much more supportive. That said, if your original post had said that her husband was unhappy and threatening to leave along with her psychiatric history, then you would have got more useful advice and help. Adding these details in later will lead some people to doubt that they are true, hence the more vitriolic posts.

Thing is, OP, when your motivation is not so much to gain support and advice about your troubled friend, but to seek encouragment for your gleeful, dishonest wish to meddle in her life because your own is so boring, you're going to get your arse kicked on here.

I agree with SGB.

AIBU is a notoriously unpleasant part of the site; I really don't think so. Aibu can be a very supportive part of the site.

Thanks for the clarity tho SGB. I now know I am right to be concerned, right to worry and right to help my mate thru this. And I will. Stop assuming stuff about people in the future and try to grow up a little.
Best wishes.

Your last informative post makes the situation sound very different from your first post. Your motives also seem to have shifted / been clarified too.

So the question is, you know all this stuff, you can see her heading towards a full scale break down. What are you going to do about it?

Talk to her?
Talk to her dp?
Talk to her health visitor?
Talk to social services?

Doing nothing is surely not an option

OP instead of spitting and snarling at people on the Internet.. do that baby a favour and ring social services to check on them. Why you intervened when they first come involved is beyond me.

Wow drippety drip and watch your language op

Lol @ accusing sgb of trolling put kettle ahem

Double lol @ demand to "admin" to delete the thread