To think a newborn needs its mother to focus on him/her?

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Ok, this is going to sound such a troll post and I wish it were, but sadly it's not.
My friend had a baby 3 months ago, but has since decided to be poly-amorous with a guy she met on a website a month ago. She is married and he has a long term partner. Both their partners are aware they recently met up for a rather fun filled weekend. She's fallen head-over-heels for this guy and he her. All parties are consensual to this very unconventional arrangement.
The whole thing blows my mind, but each to their own and as long as they are all in agreement.
But here is the big thing for me....a 3 month old baby! She seems so caught up in this guy and this new arrangement, and I am just being horribly judge-y in my head, thinking why are you not focused on your newborn at this stage???? She is now putting shout outs on Facebook to ask someone to babysit the baby for an afternoon and night, whilst she goes out with both of her men to a fetish fair - obviously she doesn't want to ask her family, as they will disapprove of her lifestyle.
Ugh, she's my friend and I care about her. I should just leave her to it, right? I've not said anything to her, just feeling a bit frustrated in my head about it.

Why are you asking if you've already made your mind up?

My DD is 10 months old. When she was 3 months old, I was perfectly capable of looking after her as well as being a sexual being. Whether I chose to be sexual with my partner, or with someone else, is no-one's business but my own.

Like other people said, returning back to work for 10+ hours is not all that unusual. Someone else looks after the baby.

I think you're being incredibly judgemental and a pretty shitty friend.

That people think it's ok to fuck new people so soon after giving birth, to me, suggests that is what is wrong in this world. Grow up and put your carnal desires aside and focus on your new baby! Not hard for most of the rest of us not to be self absorbed....

It its notable that no one seems to give a shit about how she is treating her husband.

Can you imagine if it was as man doing this?

Juniper44 - I think you sound like a pretty shitty mum if you think it's ok to shag around 12 weeks after your kid is born.

Why is it different is she fucks new people or her DH? If your issue is that it's so soon after birth, does it matter who she's having sex with? And 3 months is not 'so soon' after birth.

yes!!!! It matters!!! It matters if her whole family collapses around her ears because of this, as it threatened to only 2 days ago.

Look, I don't care who my friends fuck, seriously. Ugh...don't want to know in fact.l But when they have new babies, then obsess about another man all the time, I think it is pretty ok to say I am a little concerned.What has the world come to?

wafflyversatile - trust me, it ain't escaped me how she is treating her husband and i am a tad pissed off on his behalf also.

So which one is the issue?

1. her relationship is falling apart

2. she is not looking after her child adequately.

The two things are not the same. Relationships fall apart for all sorts of reasons. People don't start having sex with other people just randomly; the relationship was probably already dying or dead. Relationships change. Relationships fail. That's life. That doesn't make her a bad mother. Who she shags is neither here nor there. In your OP, you said her husband was consenting to it all. Now you're saying it's tearing them apart.

If the child is not being looked after adequately, by his carers, then that is a concern.

Incidentally, I didn't say I had slept around when my baby was 3 months old. I just said I thought it was perfectly reasonable to be a sexual being. You calling me a shitty mother is just downright unpleasant. I can ignore it because I know I'm not. But I do think poorly of you for going down that route.

I was having sex again at about 2.5 months after DD.

Just because I had a baby doesn't mean that suddenly my entire identity got thrown out the window. I still wanted sex, I still had outside interests, I still had the same hobbies.

Yes, the baby became a huge part of my life, but DD didn't become my life. I'm including her in it. But my identity is still HappySeaTurtles who likes doing a, b, c and interests include x, y, z. I just happen to be a mother now. It's my job, and one that I love, but it's not my identity.

Because of that, I need days off and sometimes I need time away from the baby.

She can have sex with who ever she chooses so long as everyone is consenting, and from the sounds of it, they are. You even said: "All parties are consensual to this very unconventional arrangement". I don't see what the big deal is.

Now stop stamping your feet because we're not all jumping on board with you trying to slut shame someone.

Whether its 3 days, 3 months or 3 years after the baby was born it isn't a healthy way to live. Thruaglassdarkly, I absolutely agree with you. At some point something will surely go wrong. It already has actually, the husband is not comfortable with things. How long can it go on for? Each to their own, but what a strange way to live. I feel sorry for all 3 of them.

I think comparing it to mothers going back to work is not a valid comparison - when you go back to work you choose consistent childcare so the baby is looked after by a cm, family member, Nanny or key worker at nursery. It gets consistent and loving care, if the childcare setting is a decent one, and babies do need that. I find it abhorrent for someone to say that all a baby needs is its physical needs meeting at that stage so therefore anyone can do it - forming attachments is crucial for development.

This woman isn't arranging consistent and high quality childcare whilst she pursues her interests, she is asking for ad hoc babysitters through FB. If a parent of either gender went back to work and arranged their childcare on such a random basis, that wouldn't be ok either. So the comparison isn't fair.

Equally, saying that many couples resume a sex life shortly after birth isn't the same as meeting partners on the Internet, which is more risky behaviour both emotionally and physically. Becoming a parent is a huge upheaval in someone's life, I don't think it's healthy to embark on something like this for the very first time whilst still adjusting to parenthood. It would be different if she and her husband were already established swingers and both happy with that lifestyle. They aren't, though.

This thread is a perfect example of feminist bollocks overriding the real issue, and of the double standards that MN has.

If a woman posted that she had a two month old baby and her DH was spending his spare time searching the Internet for a suitable fuck buddy, and then going away for shag fest weekends, the thread would be full of people advising that her DH was a cunt and she should LTB, probably along with links to women's aid.

But switch the genders and we have women justifying this behaviour and needlessly pointing out that the man has just as much responsibility for the baby.

It's pathetic, and is exactly why so many women don't want to identify as feminists.

OP - I agree with you.

An affair is a selfish act and it is very hard to get your head around doing something so selfish when your baby is so small.

I know that this is now authorised by her H but it wasn't initially. I don't get open marriages

She's either struggling to bond with her baby or is just selfish. I couldn't be around someone like that without saying something, especially if it was just the latter.

I certainly wouldn't be offering out any babysitting for her to go and have a shag.

FWIW, I would judge a man who is shagging around with a newborn in tow just as much!

Making assumptions also but I would expect that her husband won't be left on his own with a baby for her to go out with the OM or is at work.

Not really unreasonable in any case.

If you are an established swinger prior to having a baby and your undercarriage has sufficiently recovered, of course your in no way obliged to start behaving like a nun after having a baby.

If a friend had never done anything like this before, yet decided to start a swinging lifestyle and looking for someone on FB to mind the baby to go to fetish clubs I would be a little perturbed, and might think they are having some problems adjusting as it's out of character.

To be honest I can't see what is so awfully wrong with pointing this out but my undercarriage was like wooky hole showcaves three months post birth, of course not everyone has the same problem and can resume a sex life relatively quickly, that's not a judgement it's a fact.

Great post Jelly. Some posters on here seem to think that so long as mum is totally fulfilled, baby will somehow magically sort themselves out so long as they are kept fed and dry. Its just not that convenient. Agree that the comparisons with going back to work and resuming your sex life after birth are red herrings. It still sounds to me like this woman is in shock and denial about parenthood and that is extremely worrying.

And I am a proud feminist by the way. I just don't go along with the idea that so long as a woman is exercising 'her choice', then all is wonderful. Not all choices are fair or feminist or right.

And yes I would judge a father of a 3 month old just as harshly if he were behaving like this

As the OP has revealed herself to be thoroughly judgmental about other people's sex lives, the situation is probably a lot less bad than she is claiming.
The friend is asking for people to babysit for an afternoon weekend here and there. Most of the time she is looking after her baby, or her H is. If this was a heteromonogamous mundane couple and the mother and the father were taking turns to have a night or an afternoon off to go and have some fun, OK, there would probably still be some idiots screaming that parenthood means you can never enjoy yourself, ever again, how dare you??? but it would be more obvious that they were idiots.

I'd be more concerned about the child protection issues tbh. Men who abuse children prey on vulnerable women like this- and she does sound vulnerable. Men like Ian Watkins who preyed on women just like this.

OP if she is really willing to have the baby looked after by strangers then I do think you have a moral duty to notify SS.

Oh and for the record Thrua, I was sexually active with the man I loved (and the father) just eight days after our baby was born because I wanted to.

I was and am a good parent. Shitty comment you made to Juniper.

Now get off the internet and go help your friends.

You fall in love with a new baby. Well, I did. So I can't get my head round falling in love with someone else at the same time. Not in the early days. Going to work is different, it doesn't require that kind of emotional involvement.