To think a newborn needs its mother to focus on him/her?

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Ok, this is going to sound such a troll post and I wish it were, but sadly it's not.
My friend had a baby 3 months ago, but has since decided to be poly-amorous with a guy she met on a website a month ago. She is married and he has a long term partner. Both their partners are aware they recently met up for a rather fun filled weekend. She's fallen head-over-heels for this guy and he her. All parties are consensual to this very unconventional arrangement.
The whole thing blows my mind, but each to their own and as long as they are all in agreement.
But here is the big thing for me....a 3 month old baby! She seems so caught up in this guy and this new arrangement, and I am just being horribly judge-y in my head, thinking why are you not focused on your newborn at this stage???? She is now putting shout outs on Facebook to ask someone to babysit the baby for an afternoon and night, whilst she goes out with both of her men to a fetish fair - obviously she doesn't want to ask her family, as they will disapprove of her lifestyle.
Ugh, she's my friend and I care about her. I should just leave her to it, right? I've not said anything to her, just feeling a bit frustrated in my head about it.

Culture I think you'll find most comments are about her fanny...it's size and about how she's not right for wanting sex.

The OP says the baby's clothing smelled bad....that can happen to the best people when they've not got good laundry skills. I've read multiple threads on her about smelly clothing. If the baby isn't being fed or cuddled then that's a problem. The OP never said that though did it>?

Is it any different to a father being at work when the baby is two weeks old? Hell, my neighbour went back to work herself after 3 weeks. I have no idea who or is she was shagging at that point. Her baby was being cared for and thats all that matters.

If*

SaucyJacks comment was vile, and tbh I decided to ignore it rather than give it any attention.

The OP said that the mother seems disengaged from her baby. That plus a significant change in lifestyle might indicate that she is struggling to adjust to being a new parent. I did say that only the OP is going to know whether she feels the baby isn't being cared for properly - none of us can say.

Major alarms bells would be ringing for me...

1. More interested in sex life than her baby.
2. Baby in smelly clothes.
3. Mum happy to leave baby with anyone so she can be free to do what she wants.

Not sounding good at all.

Was it smelly clothes just the once, she may have asked on Facebook but if all the friends on Facebook are true friends then what's the issue.

God help a mum who wants sex 3 month after giving birth.

If the baby is being well cared for then at this age it doesn't matter who is doing the caring IMHO. But if the baby is being neglected in any way then it is a cause for concern.

I went 10 days without sex after dc2 and it felt like ages!

Not all women have bad births.

There's nothing wrong with a mum of a 3 month old wanting a babysitter.

The father wants a babysitter too doesn't he but you aren't criticising him.

Ask yourself why you are blaming the woman.

A decade ago it wasn't uncommon for mums to go back to ft work after 6 weeks before there was longer mat leave and tax credits.

When my DS was a month or two old I left him with my parents while I went to both a fetish fair and a swingers' club. Once or twice he may have been seen in dirty clothes, if we were out somewhere and he'd widdled/posseted/both over all three of the complete changes of clothes I'd brought with me.

If you think there is actual neglect going on - what's the father doing? then there might be a problem. But ask yourself if you've really just got a stick up your arse about her sexual choices being ones you wouldn't make.

I mostly agree with SGB.

Babies need to be fed and cleaned and looked after, cherished. It doesn't have to be by the mother exclusively. There are many ways to bring up children not just the one where one woman is stuck at home providing childcare 24/7. Not sure what qualitative difference it makes to the child whether its mum is out working or partying.

However you know her better than us and maybe her behaviour is indicative of PND or some other issue. The disregard for her DH's feelings on the matter, constant chat about the new man, seeming lack of interest in the baby are more of a problem in my view. That said is the lack of interest in comparison to 'most new mothers'? is her level of interest similar to that of many new dads? If it's ok for dads is it not ok for some mums?

Not sure what you can do. Do you have a good relationship with the dad? Could you chat to him and see if he has concerns?

The consequences of living in a free society is that people sometimes make choices that we'd never make. This is one of them.

Dieu I wondered that too if she might have post natal mental health issues..
OP what is her baseline behaviour like, would this be typical or not?
Her sex life is her business but I'd be concerned if the baby could be neglected, smelly clothes don't sound good but depends was it fresh smell like baby sick or and old smell because they weren't washed.
HV should only pick up on baby care, not mums lifestyle as a rule unless there's endangerment or neglect.
Tricky one OP out a nice position for you to be in.

I agree with SGB.

Another thing with 'clothes that smell dirty' could be if the baby is a particularly messy one (and some really are messier than others. DS as a baby could easily manage to need about 6 complete changes a day. He was (and still is) a long-legged skinny thing, which meant that, when he was very small, he frequently leaked wee down the legholes of nappies. He also went through a very possety stage.) Sometimes you genuinely are reduced to dressing the baby in the least-awful thing in the wash basket, because the last load of washing isn't dry yet. Not everyone's budget runs to having about 20 complete outfits....

I think you are being ridiculous.

As a cm I had babies full time far younger than 3 months old. It's not all of us who can be sahms!

If the baby was in filthy clothes, dirty and wet that's one thing, most kids get dirty.

Their sex life is completely their business and nothing to do with anyone else.

Mothers are allowed to be sexual beings. After ds 2 we had sex after 2 weeks.

By 3 months we had a normal sex life after all our 4.

The comments about her needing 2 men are vile.

SGB great post.

It's not really anything to do with the amount of time the baby is looked after by someone other than it's parents.

But if you have a 2-3 month old baby, is it really the best time in your life to be meeting men on the Internet and going away for dirty weekends and threesomes?

I don't think so.

to me this is simple:

either you are worried about the baby's welfare, or not.
if you are you ought to go through the correct channels,
if not, just be there to support your friend in her (in your opinion misguided) chices.

if it is the right thing for her and her baby is happy, then you sadly just have to sit by and watch.

good luck OP, trust your instincts.

Ok well thanks to all who responded. I don't have any relationship with the husband, so it's not as though I could speak to him about it. Also, it is not the husband who has formed an obsessive relationship with another person in the last few weeks since the baby was born. Initially he claimed to be ok with it, then went into meltdown when she went to stay with the guy, and is now agreeing to her having a lover, but, I feel, only under duress of losing her and destroying their family (from what she has said). This is NOT a feminist issue and should not be turned into one. Those who accuse me of judging her and not him have NO idea how I think in these matters.

She has a history of mental illness (and obsessions), which I why I am worried. I wish people would actually READ the posts before wading into them with thigh boots and an AK47....sigh...Thank you to those of you who posted real and human and compassionate remarks. I won't focus on the minority who were a tad unhelpful. lol

Agree with TheAwfulDaughter

I think you're being unreasonable.

What she does with her sex life is up to her. She isn't solely responsible for her child; he has a father. As long as the baby is being looked after then that should be the end of the story. She is free to do what she wants in her free time. I bet the husband's every activity isn't scrutinised.

Yes, you should be fawning over your baby at 12 weeks old not taking new lovers - either sex.
You got me. Guilty as charged.
I am a horrible bigot for thinking a baby should come before shagging someone she has known for 4 weeks.

This is why I no longer post here. Of course the husband's activity is being looked at. And he just wants her and their baby - the filthy, dirty bastard.