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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a newborn needs its mother to focus on him/her?

150 replies

Thruaglassdarkly · 04/08/2014 20:55

Ok, this is going to sound such a troll post and I wish it were, but sadly it's not.
My friend had a baby 3 months ago, but has since decided to be poly-amorous with a guy she met on a website a month ago. She is married and he has a long term partner. Both their partners are aware they recently met up for a rather fun filled weekend. She's fallen head-over-heels for this guy and he her. All parties are consensual to this very unconventional arrangement.
The whole thing blows my mind, but each to their own and as long as they are all in agreement.
But here is the big thing for me....a 3 month old baby! She seems so caught up in this guy and this new arrangement, and I am just being horribly judge-y in my head, thinking why are you not focused on your newborn at this stage???? She is now putting shout outs on Facebook to ask someone to babysit the baby for an afternoon and night, whilst she goes out with both of her men to a fetish fair - obviously she doesn't want to ask her family, as they will disapprove of her lifestyle.
Ugh, she's my friend and I care about her. I should just leave her to it, right? I've not said anything to her, just feeling a bit frustrated in my head about it.

OP posts:
Happy36 · 06/08/2014 12:15

If she is a good friend you might want to keep an eye on her to check that her behaviour isn´t a symptom / cover-up for any form of post natal depression.

As long as the baby is physically safe I don´t think she is doing anything wrong.

Does the baby have a father? Where is he?

Tinkerball · 06/08/2014 12:30

It doesn't sound though as if this persons DH is happy with what she is doing and has only went along with it because he's scared he may lose her if he doesn't. I totally agree if the genders were reversed it would be different.

Imsuchamess · 06/08/2014 12:36

Just want to say that bipolar mums or scizoaffective bipolar type are likely to start a episode within 24 hours of giving birth. This can be a depressive or manic episode. The ops friend is behaving very manic IMO. Also op said that her friend has had previous mental health issues.

greeneggsandjam · 06/08/2014 12:42

TheAwfulDaughter, she doesn't have full consent of her husband, he is agreeing to it unwillingly.

Whiskwarrior · 06/08/2014 12:50

she doesn't have full consent of her husband, he is agreeing to it unwillingly

But that's according to OP, who also admits she isn't friends with the husband so actually has no real idea what he wants.

Slut-shaming at its very best.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 06/08/2014 12:56

So this woman:

Is 'disengaged' from her new baby.
Has a history of mental health problems.
Wants babysitters without being interested as to whether or not they have experience with babies.
Sought sex online without the knowledge or consent of her husband shortly after the baby was born.

And some people truly believe that a 3mo has purely physical needs and all that matters in its care is that those needs are met?

And those people don't think this woman is at risk and potentially unwell and that her behaviour is not at all worrying?

If someone wants to embark on a swinging lifestyle, I really doubt they'd be advised to start a few weeks after having their first baby when they have a tumult of emotions and hormones plus the risk of postnatal mental health problems, without even discussing it with their partner first.

This isn't about whether or not polyamory is ok or the rights of a new mother to a sex life and her own interests separately from the baby. The OP thinks this woman isn't bonding with her baby, is risking her marriage and behaving in a very out of character way. She has built up a very concerning picture.

itsbetterthanabox · 06/08/2014 12:57

As long as baby is properly cared for it's absolutely fine for her to have nights out, do her own thing. I don't really see why it would be affecting the baby badly.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 06/08/2014 13:01

Whiskwarrior, the OP said that her friend told her that her husband had 'gone into meltdown' and then agreed to the arrangement because he didn't want to lose his family. That has come from the woman in question, it's not the OP's speculation.

Whiskwarrior · 06/08/2014 13:05

Yes, but she also said in her first post that everyone was happy with the situation. She's only started changing adding details since people have disagreed with her! Bit of a coincidence.

Personally, I think OP was expecting everyone here to hoik their bosoms and say how utterly disgusting her friend is. When that didn't happen she changed her story to garner sympathy - and it worked!

HappySeaTurtles · 06/08/2014 13:06

If a woman posted that she had a two month old baby and her DH was spending his spare time searching the Internet for a suitable fuck buddy, and then going away for shag fest weekends, the thread would be full of people advising that her DH was a cunt and she should LTB, probably along with links to women's aid.

If a woman posted that her and DH consented to having a third person that he found, and everyone was consenting, they wouldn't be getting on the man's case for not taking care of the baby. They would still be deferring to the woman saying it wasn't fair for him to leave baby in her care like that. We don't expect me to take on the identity of all consuming "dad". They wouldn't be worried if he was attached to the baby, or wondering why he still had a life and interests outside the baby. If there were LTB's it would be from her lack of consent.

Also, we don't really know if husband is not ok with it. Her first posts says that everyone involved was fine and consenting. The three of them were going to a fetish fair, and looking for a babysitter on facebook. She doesn't know the husband has never really talked to him about it. Once people told her to stop judging her sex life, suddenly the woman has MH problems and he's the victim who is afraid of losing her. How would she even know unless she talked to him?

Until she was backed into a corner it was just "LOL You have a baby, why are you having sex? How dare you." It took her a while to find something to be suitably "outraged" about that everyone could get behind. She's not concerned about the husband, her friend, or the baby and I doubt she ever was.

IceBeing · 06/08/2014 13:09

Whether YABU or YANBU depends greatly on how much time the baby is spending with it's primary carer. I don't believe that babies have only physical needs. They need to form a strong attachment to at least one carer. This could be male or female and maybe even a CM I guess but it can't be a string of random baby sitters.

So if the parents are spending the majority of their time with the baby and then disappearing for a few hours of wild sex then YABU. If the baby is spending more time with strangers than mum and dad then YANBU.

3mo babies are pretty boring tbh. Actually there isn't that much to say about them....so I am not sure I would be too worried about talking more about the new man. But you know her obsessive issues better - so maybe it is a red flag in this case.

aprilanne · 06/08/2014 13:22

goodness knows how she has got the energy for this nonsense .but each to there own .the mother in me is horrified .but could she be depressed .i mean did they indulge in such behavoiur before the baby was born .if not maybe she just feels fat frumpy and a bit down .so this is her way of telling herself she is an adult not just someones mummy .but i must admit i don,t think you are be unreasonable .the baby must come first especially at that age .

MummyBeerest · 06/08/2014 13:30

Ok, I know a woman who's in a similar relationship. I don't know if it's polyamorous or not, but there's more than one guy.

She has a dd who's 4. So, different than a baby, but young. Her DD is always cared for, and cared for well, by family.

Her family doesn't approve of her situation (those who know anyway) but the primary concern is the child.

If she has no one reliable, she doesn't go out. Not shouting out to FB seeing if anyone's free to babysit.

That's because she's a parent firstly and foremost.

Yanbu op. She can sleep with anyone she wants, yes. But her baby should come first.

dozily · 06/08/2014 13:55

I would feel very concerned about a new mother (or father) behaving like this OP :-(

What do you plan on doing about it?

Lovecat · 06/08/2014 15:56

I've put a shout-out on facebook for a babysitter before now. But that's because I am only friends on there with people I know in RL and when you've been let down at the last minute you don't have the time to ring 20 different people on the offchance they might be around. Unless she's made a post that magically appears on the world and his wife's feed, I would assume she's done the same.

You do sound horribly judgey, OP. While it's not something I'd do, and if any of your subsequent dripfeeding is true I'd be concerned for your friend's MH rather than hoicking up those pants, I did leave my 3 month old baby with DH for 2 days in order to go and see a one-off concert 200 miles away - with a friend, that I'd booked a year before, when I wasn't even pregnant - but tbh even if I'd decided on the spur of the moment that I wanted to go, I still would have gone and my focus would not have been 100% on my pfb. And there's nothing wrong with that. It seems it's just the sex you object to...?

HaroldLloyd · 06/08/2014 16:38

Again a FB shout out in itself I don't see the huge problem.

Say if I did it I would assume that only close friends would bother answering, rather than some bloke I used to work with last year, and obviously you can see if anyone you trust is free.

I can tell you how many offers I would get from doing it I reckon somewhere between fuck and all. Grin

SolidGoldBrass · 07/08/2014 01:15

This reply has been deleted

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KatoPotato · 07/08/2014 01:27
Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 07/08/2014 01:54

LOOK, I spoke to you lot on here anonymously, ok. I drip fed you the circumstances because I wanted to keep to the main point as much as possible and to not get too specific as I was conscious of anonymity. But here, you can have the rest of it. It's a S and M thing she has going on. The weekend she saw him she came home black and blue. Her husband, who had been supposedly consensual before and has since said he was ok with it again, was,for a few days, instigating a divorce. She has psychiatric issues. Their house is filthy, their clothes are filthy and no, they have never swung before. Everything that is in me is screaming, there's a fucken problem here and I don't know what to do about it.

Some of the comments on here are horrific and insensitive and damn right cruel.

If you thought I was being judgey, just fucken say, yeah, YABU...BUt you disgust me SGB to suggest I wank over such horrible stuff...shudders Grow the fuck up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 07/08/2014 02:01

Thank you to those of you who saw my motives to be concerned as genuine, not just for her and her husband, but for her child. For me, the baby is the most important one here, as the most vulnerable.

OP posts:
MummyBeerest · 07/08/2014 02:10

You are very right to be concerned, given her situation.

Why is dripfeeding such a bad thing? When we talk to people in RL, do some really say "give me the whole story in one go, please"?

I hope things get better for your friend OP. And her husband and baby.

Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 07/08/2014 02:19

BTW, my friend is the last thing from being a slut, so no, I am not slut shaming her. Just weirded out by the whole thing and concerned she is heading for disaster, as she ain't especially strong emotionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 07/08/2014 03:19

To conclude, and I will post no more on this topic after this, I feel that most of the rational people here, feel I was not being unreasonable to be concerned for my friend and her child under the circumstances. Those who felt I was being unreasonable seemed very troll-like and pretty nasty, just wanting to split hairs and pick a fight. Ergo, your opinion doesn't matter to me, because I only really required the opinion of balanced and normal individuals and not troll -like nut jobs :)

It seems you helped me answer my question anyway. I decided that I am NOT being unreasonable to be concerned that my mate, with a psychiatric history of mental health issues, gets beaten up every weekend by some random she met on the net, whilst her husband silently seethes and her baby gets neglected.

If you think that's not abuse and neglect then fine. But you are clearly wrong. Glad I posted this thread, as it made me realise that most people are normal and compassionate and wise in these situations, whereas only a few seem to have no moral nor social compass to think this is not a problem, but would rather troll and insult people with common sense.

Feel sorry for them really.

OP posts:
HappySeaTurtles · 07/08/2014 03:21

So then why ask if you were being unreasonable if all you wanted was agreement?

Silliness.

Original poster
Thruaglassdarkly · 07/08/2014 03:25

No, I wanted rational debate, not abuse.

OP posts: