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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to wedding without ds

446 replies

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:27

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/06/2014 10:29

Is there anyone who could babysit for you so you can just go and have a good time and a bit of a relax.

Childfree weddings are becoming quite popular now and really it is up to them if they choose to do it that way so if you do have other options you are chucking your toys out the pram really.

Don't take it personally, it's nothing against your DS.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 03/06/2014 10:30

I think you are being petty.

An eight month old with get nothing out of a ceremony, and will potentially disrupt the proceedings.

As you say, ds is already going with grandma for the remainder of the event so surely taking him for part ofit is more of a faff?

yabu.

WooWooOwl · 03/06/2014 10:31

Maybe they didn't think they needed to specify before now that your baby wasn't invited as they had been told that your mil is babysitting.

Tbh, I think it's quite odd that you would have a babysitter for most of the day but not for the ceremony, the biggest part that has the potential to be disturbed by a baby.

What makes you think that they think you can't control your ds? Have they actually said that, or are you making that up because you're offended that not everyone finds your baby as endearing as you do?

I think YABU. Your DH would agree with you if he didn't think his mum would babysit any longer, so it sounds like you're just using that as an excuse.

Sanch1 · 03/06/2014 10:31

YABU, if he's not going to the rest of the day, what difference does an extra hour make? I'd be happily leaving him with MIL and enjoying a nice child free day. You are of course perfectly entitled to not go if you dont want to but it seems a shame, especially as your DH is best man.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/06/2014 10:33

Yabu and very precious. I think you're just looking for an excuse not to go. Why be so difficult?

Birdsgottafly · 03/06/2014 10:34

""that they think I can't control my ds, ""

You can't control your DS wanting to get down, fiddle with things, be bounced, shouting out, if he is anything like me DN.

Even getting up to go outside disturbs the ceremony, but some Parents don't.

Your MIL will probably enjoy the extra time with him.

By your DS's age I had, had my DN overnight, full days etc.

Go and enjoy the break, celebrate without having to fit what you do around your DS.

Thurlow · 03/06/2014 10:34

It isn't personal. Though I agree it's annoying that they have sprung this on you quite late in the day.

Sometimes the problem with childfree weddings is that they are being thrown by people who don't have children, and perhaps don't even have many nieces and nephews. As such, the problems people can have getting childcare for the better part of 24 hours, the difficulties of leaving your DC, all that malarkey which comes with trying to attend a wedding without your DC is just abstract to them. It's easy, before you have kids, to think "well, a grandparent or aunt can just look after the kids, can't they?"

I think your are being a little U, though. It's entirely their choice and if it is difficult for you to go without your DS then just don't go, but don't do it in a childish way.

Where is the wedding? Is it close enough that your DH can go to the day part himself, and you can join him in the evening while your MIL looks after your DS?

Bowlersarm · 03/06/2014 10:35

I think your DH is right.

It won't matter to you one bit if your mil looks after your son for a little longer.

I don't blame them for not wanting such a young child at the ceremony.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 03/06/2014 10:37

I'm not sure I understand, was the plan that DS would come to the ceremony and then DMIL would come and take him away for the rest of the day? Or will she be at the wedding too and looking after him in a hotel or similar. Either way you were going to be away from him for most of the day already. You would probably only be putting on MIL for another hour or so by the sounds of it. The B&G should have made it clear earlier that it was childfree. Maybe they just assumed that people wouldn't bring DCs unless they were named on the invitations, but as best man I would have thought you'd have had these discussions ages ago.

It's up to you really, and it's not nice if your DH is so unsympathetic but perhaps he really wants you there.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 03/06/2014 10:37

Sorry YABU.

You are wanting to miss the main point of the whole day. As others have said it will be an hour at the most.

TBH if you wanted to miss part if it then miss the evening do.

The ceremony is the actual 'wedding'. You do come across as wanted to 'party' without wanting to do the 'ceremony' and are using your ds as an excuse.

Peanut14 · 03/06/2014 10:38

YABU, they don't want children-they're decision, end of. You are reading too much into it thinking that they are insinuating that you can't control your child. You are only making yourself look bad by throwing your toys out of the pram by saying you are not going.

bridgetsmum · 03/06/2014 10:39

YABU
Agree with most other posters

Let your mil have the baby and go and have a child free day.
Your ds will probably have a great time with grandma xx

FatalCabbage · 03/06/2014 10:39

Not unreasonable, but rather pfb and will not be understood.

From their perspective, you've got childcare for the bulk of it, why wouldn't you leave him for all of it? Looking after an oblivious baby at a wedding is honestly no fun at all. You will very likely be shushing and rocking outside for most of it.

A far better alternative would be for you to go to the ceremony to support DH, leaving DS with MIL, then going home to take over baby duties at a suitable break in proceedings (eg before evening do in a typical ceremony/meal/disco set-up). MIL gets a shorter period sitting, you see the important parts of the day, then DH can drink beer and do the Macarena safe in theknowledge DS is being looked after by you.

gorionine · 03/06/2014 10:41

At least it is a no baby/children for all guests.

A few years back, DH's brother got married and DH was best man. ALL guests were bringing their DC's but DH was asked for ours not to come as they would 'distract him from his best man duties'. I have forgiven but I vill never forget.

BoftheP · 03/06/2014 10:42

YANBU. Weddings are about family to me. Not allowing children to attend seems ridiculous for that reason. Dp was sent off to a couple of weddings on his own last year because they had a no kids rule.

gorionine · 03/06/2014 10:42

YANBU BTW

Perfectlypurple · 03/06/2014 10:42

Yabu. He is a baby and very likely to disrupt the wedding crying or something. If you don't go then they have paid for your food etc for nothing.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/06/2014 10:44

Yabu, why would you want to miss the ceremony, the actual bit they get married? Just extend the time your mil has him then if you really want, leave for the evening do. You can't control your DS during the ceremony, babies are noisy, and you'll probably end up taking him out anyway.

To be honest your DS will probably have a great day with Granny.

gorionine · 03/06/2014 10:44

Sorry YANBU to choose not to go but it would be U to go with DC regardless though.

Only1scoop · 03/06/2014 10:45

Yabu sounds as if you already had your mil lined up for babysitting so whats the difference? I take it she's not a guest?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/06/2014 10:45

It doesnt matter what you think. It doesnt matter if you think that your 8 month old wont interrupt the ceremony, wont make a sound, wont get bored, whatever.

He is not invited.

Original poster

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:46

I really feel so guilty though my mil looks after ds whilst I'm at work during the week and quite a few weekends, she probably wouldn't mind but it would dropping ds off at 11am instead of 3-4pm and then not returning to pick him up till the next day, I just think it's a lot to ask?
Btw there is no one else available to ask.
And yes I can control him and make sure he doesn't cry, shout etc he is really good when out but again I understand not everyone's lo's are.
I understand toddlers running riot but really a baby can't cause that much disruption, I'd just walk out if he did.
I have said maybe I could bring ds as planned then during the ceremony we will go for a long walk but dh thinks this will look like I'm being childish?

OP posts:

Damnautocorrect · 03/06/2014 10:46

I'd feel the same as you but the rational side of me sees it's their choice and I'd understand. I think given you've already got a baby sitter for some of it you just have to go

Damnautocorrect · 03/06/2014 10:47

Why not cut your evening short instead if your worried about mil?

Original poster

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:47

I'm not saying I don't go to all of it just the ceremony

OP posts:

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