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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to wedding without ds

446 replies

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:27

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 03/06/2014 11:08

Why don't you actually ask your mil if she's happy to have your ds a little longer and go from there before you start saying you can't go to the ceremony?

CoffeeTea103 · 03/06/2014 11:08

Yabu and sound like a real pita. You just don't seem to get it.

HayDayQueen · 03/06/2014 11:09

Why should you come back early and not your dh? Because leaving him is an issue for YOU, not for HIM. If YOU are unwilling to leave your DS, then YOU should be the one to look after him.

Blueuggboots · 03/06/2014 11:09

How old are you??
You sound like a petulant child!
I'm going to a wedding at the weekend. My 3 year old WAS invited but I took the decision to not bring him because I would much rather enjoy a friend's wedding in a relaxed way, not chasing around after my son. 5 inch heels and a 3 year old are not a good combination
Your dh is the best man. So he needs to be there throughout it all. The next night out, you get to go to it all and dh gets to babysit.

Bowlersarm · 03/06/2014 11:09

Excellent suggestion Tantrums.

There you go, OP, your solution.

RiverTam · 03/06/2014 11:10

I would ask MIL (or get DH to ask her) as she might be more than happy to have him. Or get a babysitter.

DH is the best man and so presumably a close friend of the groom, at least - you really can't ask/expect him to leave early. If you really can't get childcare then yes, unfortunately you'll have to leave at some point - that's how it works. If you were a bridesmaid it would work the other way around.

I can see it's annoying that they've announced this so late in the day, but I do think you can, if you want to, find a solution.

RiverTam · 03/06/2014 11:10

oh, and take the baby's suit back.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 11:10

My DB had a small wedding and said immediate family only. I thought hmm this is going to cause problems as quite a big family but he stuck to his guns and sent invites out to immediate family. A couple of people were like Hmm, are we not invited to the wedding but he just said no immediate family only. Nieces and nephews were allowed, siblings and partners, parents and GPS. It was a lovely wedding, one of the best I have been to.

Regarding child free weddings, It's the bride and grooms day and they only get one, have spent a lot of money so it is up to them. If you don't like it then don't go. If they allow one child then other people will say but it's a child free wedding so how is such and such allowed to take them. It's all or non, just like dbs wedding was no cousins or all.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 11:12

Oh come off it WooWoo - men do not have conscience when it comes to how long ds/dd is left for and who with and if we are taking advantage! As long as they get to let their hair down they pretty much don't care, so because I have the opposite attitude and do care he should stay and I should leave on my own!

OP posts:
whilewildeisonmine · 03/06/2014 11:13

Have you actually asked your MIL?

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/06/2014 11:13

If your ds in bed by half seven what's the problem. It's not like your MIL will have to do anything once he's in bed.

Go party

flowery · 03/06/2014 11:13

Was he actually invited to the wedding and the invitation is now being withdrawn or did you assume he was invited?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/06/2014 11:14

Um..... My DH cares.

The last wedding we went to, he took DS off to bed and stayed with him and made me stay out with my friends. So don't generalise.

allhailqueenmab · 03/06/2014 11:14

yanbu not to go. There is no obligation on you to accept this invitation.
I went to a child free wedding on my own when my dd was 18 months and I was working (like you) and I missed her terribly. The absence of children from the event meant that it was basically a grown up, standing up, cocktail party, I was pg and not drinking and very tired, stood up for hours on end, and was not even allowed to go to the lavatory at certain times! I hated it, I missed dd and honestly it's not like I was the life and soul and anyone would have missed me had I stayed at home and sent a nice card.

It is their right to invite whom they choose, it is your right to decline and wish them well.

Bowlersarm · 03/06/2014 11:15

Blimey OP, that was a pretty damning post about men. My DH doesn't fit into that gross generalisation.

SpringBreaker · 03/06/2014 11:15

You sound a nightmare and martyr.

whilewildeisonmine · 03/06/2014 11:15

Maybe your DH just knows it won't be a problem for his DM to look after DS and is looking forward to a bit of child free time, rather than not having a conscience?

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 11:15

OP you are being a massive PITA.

you have a perfectly good babysitter lined up. You said your MIL looks after him while you work so he will be quite used to spending time there.

Dropping him off at 11am instead of 3pm will make no difference- in fact how much of this is nap time anyway?

Get over yourself.

whilewildeisonmine · 03/06/2014 11:16

Bowlersarm - neither does mine!

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 11:16

I just wouldn't go. Simple really, and nothing that DH can do about it.

I don't leave DD with babysitters now, and she's 9 (I do leave her with family). I didn't leave her with anyone at all until she was 2. My choice.

Bride and Groom are well within their rights to say they want a childfree wedding.
You are well within your rights to say you don't want to be seperated from your child.
No point in either party getting shirty about it, just act accordingly.

DH can go and be Best Man, you can stay home with DS. If you want to attend the evening do and you are happy to leave DS with DMIL, great. If not, you'll see DH the next day.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 11:16

Well I wish my dh was more like that

OP posts:
RiverTam · 03/06/2014 11:18

wow, what an extraordinary post. This is not a gender issue, don't make it into one. Just because your DH is a man and (I'm guessing) not that baby's main carer does not mean he can't make perfectly reasonable decisions and choices with regard to his son. And maybe he knows that his mum would be thrilled to bits to have him overnight or whatever.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/06/2014 11:19

I'm in the same situation.

A very good friend of my husband is getting married later this year and my DS will be just over 6 months. I asked them what their policy is on children attending and they said DS would be welcome at the church but not at the meal and not at the evening reception.

I wouldn't take him to the church anyway as the last thing I want is him to start causing a scene by crying.

She told me that nearer the time she'd let me know what time the meal/evening reception is taking place so I could arrange childcare Hmm

I accepted what her policy was, said it wasn't a problem but that it meant I would not be attending any of the wedding but of course DH would.

She didn't reply, I don't think she's very impressed.

My DH said I should just turn up for the meal, leave our DS in the car park with someone to watch him (the wedding is a good journey away so I couldn't just leave him at someone else's house) and then once I've eaten go home again without waiting for the speeches. Ridiculous I know Grin

I've told DH I won't be going at all.
He has said he's going to have a word with his friend as he doesn't class a baby as a child and said he won't need a seat at the table or any food etc and would be quite content on my lap. I've told DH to leave it as I fully accept people's rules when it comes to Weddings and children.

You have my sympathy OP

Could you not just go to the ceremony and the wedding breakfast and then go back to your DS i.e miss the evening reception? That way you won't be away from him for too long?

LoonvanBoon · 03/06/2014 11:20

My husband wasn't like that either when our two were little. OP, sorry if your DH is as much of an arse as your last post implies - but that's a problem with him, not with this particular wedding or bride & groom. I can understand your resentment if he's always swanning off enjoying himself & leaving you to do all the childcare, but that's a different issue.

Have you actually said if this couple told you & your DH at some earlier point that your son WOULD be welcome, & then changed the policy - or if you just assumed? That does seem relevant to the question of whether you're being unreasonable to be pissed off with them.

As I said upthread, my DH was invited to be a best man when our twins were exactly the same age as your son, & he talked all this through with his friend before accepting.

Bowlersarm · 03/06/2014 11:20

I'm beginning to think you just shouldn't go. You sound like you might just sit there with a face like a wet weekend spoiling it for your DH and those who might notice.

There are solutions posters are suggesting, but you just don't seem to want to hear them.