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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to wedding without ds

446 replies

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:27

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 11:42

because it is coming across as wanting her cake and eating it

How exactly?

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 11:42

Gileswithachainsaw I only let family babysit whilst ds is still a baby

OP posts:
TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 03/06/2014 11:43

To go to the ceremony, but wants to go to the party.

The OP is happy to leave dis with MIL when she goes to work, but to leave him with her for an extra 45 mins or so is 'too much'

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/06/2014 11:44

But you say that your MIL is used to having your DS at weekends anyway so surely you are just so reluctant to ask her this weekend is because you simply don't want to go because your DS has not been invited.

I think it would be best if you just miss it all, you will have a face like a slapped arse and really to miss the ceremony to take your DS out for a walk is just pathetic. Either go and enjoy it or stay at home and play the martyr.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/06/2014 11:45

Her issue with the dh is clouding her thinking over the wedding.

Your dh will go regardless, the choice here is if you join him or whether you wrap up the fact you don't wanna leave Ds and want to emphasise just how shit ur dh is in false concern for a mother in law who is funnily enough fine to have him any other time but sitting down stairs watching tv while the baby sleeps at half seven is suddenly too much

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 11:45

ltevedallas you chose not to allow anyone to look after your child for 2 years- that's your prerogative but that isn't the situation here.

The OP is quite happy leaving her son with MIL when it suits her- just on this occasion it doesn't suit her.

The husband might not be an angel but he is the Best Man FFS . Why should he leave early?

The OP is being unreasonable because at best she's using her son as an excuse not to go to the ceremony or at worst, deciding the B&G's wishes don't apply to her.

WooWooOwl · 03/06/2014 11:46

She agrees it's B&Gs choice, is happy that it's their big day.

No she doesn't, otherwise she wouldn't be trying to slip her baby in for the photos which are happening before the evening when children are actually invited.

I really can't see how her DH is being a dick because he wants to take up a childcare offer that is being happily offered.

She's worried about her DMIL.

Which may be valid, but as she hasn't actually asked her mil and is happy for the mil to do childcare while she's at work, four extra hours can't be that much of a concern.

She's offered to miss the ceremony.

Which is incredibly rude seeing as how she still wants to turn up for the food and the party, and that she thinks missing the ceremony makes it ok for her to bring her ds before he's invited.

You mist be reading a different thread to me.

WooWooOwl · 03/06/2014 11:47

I'm definitely not stamping my feet and nor cracking the whip. We are both invited so we both go together / leave together!

Except you are happy to arrive separately because you don't mind missing the ceremony!

Seems that only apples when it suits you!

Writerwannabe83 · 03/06/2014 11:47

I do think it's a bit petty to imply that if you have to leave so should your DH. It's not very fair really.

I have told the B&G that I won't be attending any of the wedding but I certainly wouldn't stop my DH from going.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/06/2014 11:47

The op is using her son as an excuse, to create a situation for other issues she has with her DH.

bridgetsmum · 03/06/2014 11:47

Oh FFS

just go or don't go, but stop making ridiculous excuses.

How can you be happy to let your mil provide childcare while you work but be so reluctant to let get have a couple of extra hours for the wedding?
You clearly are hacked off because you want to dress your ds up in his suit, which for a 9month old is clearly for your benefit, not his, and show him off.

Your ds will be much happier getting spoiled by grandma in a comfy clothes than in some stupid I'll fitting. suit

Only1scoop · 03/06/2014 11:48

Coffee tea....exactly

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 03/06/2014 11:49

Because LTEve

The bride and groom have said no children. Their choice. OP is happy to attend the party without ds but not the ceremony confused

As for the DP being funny about leaving early, he is the best man and part of the 'wedding party' tbh if I was the groom I would be a bit muffed if my best man left do early.

I am also a little confused as to how a 8 month old can tell the time as they are a stickler for being in bed at 7.30

If the b&g had said children are invited and now they aren't then that is different, but there is nothing on the invitation to say that they are.

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 11:50

extra 45 mins

Think you have misunderstood.

The "extra" is from 11am to 4pm and then overnight.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/06/2014 11:50

Are you saying she cant cope now but it's better for you as it's family?? Confused

Well either she's ok to look after him or not. An extra couple if hours is nothing.

So your not happy with the arrangement just you have hang ups about nursery?

flowery · 03/06/2014 11:52

"My mil is 68 years old I really think asking her to have him from 11am through till the next day is too much...I will feel like WE are taking advantage"

That's perfectly valid, however it doesn't really sit with the fact that you are happy for her to have him "whilst I'm at work during the week and quite a few weekends"

If you're concerned about taking advantage of her, and her age, you need to rethink using her for childcare for work and at weekends, not worry about a few extra hours as a one-off for an important wedding.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 11:52

The "extra" is from 11am to 4pm and then overnight.

And he's likely to be asleep for part of that- what's the big deal?

Only1scoop · 03/06/2014 11:53

Can you ask your mil to do the full day and night? but then refrain from putting on her and not ask for extra favours for next few months?

That way you could still get to go and relax?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/06/2014 11:53

you absolutely CANNOT take your ds to the ceremony, and then sit outside with him whilst the actual ceremony goes on.

The only reason to do that would be to prove a point and so everyone knows that your ds wasnt invited but you came anyway but you wont make a fuss, you will just sit quietly outside.

And then the bride and groom will feel so guilty that they will say, dont be silly come in.

And then all the people who didnt bring their dcs because they were not invited will be pissed off that your ds was there.

Personally, if my best friend was getting married and I had a young baby, I would expect dh to take the baby home when he was tired and leave me to celebrate with my friend- I would do the same for him without thinking twice.

If you are upset that your dh has a lot of free time to go and socialise then address that. I think you should both have time to yourselves, not one person out all of the time and one stuck at home.

But this is a different situation IMO

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 11:54

I think you all are mis reading it! My mil will have him she would have him permanently doesn't mean I would ask her to! She has him while I work 3 days a week for 4-5 hours. She also has other grandchildren inbetween my ds on other days. We do already put on her too much and gave recently cut down because of my conscience.
Yes of course I wanted our ds there to see his df all dressed up and proud at the ceremony but yes I understand it's not our big day it's theirs!
I have told dh either I can ask mil to have ds from morning through till evening and then WE return early or I miss out on ceremony part to be with ds then mil can have him for longer in the evening so WE can both stay till later. But dh says I'm being awkward either way and should just let mil have ds all day/night. I'm asking for him to compromise like all parents have to!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 03/06/2014 11:55

Your Dh does sound a bit selfish to be honest.

Your mil sounds wonderful though.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 11:56

Flowery when ds starts being more mobile around 12 months he will be put in to nursery mil is aware of this so we are very aware of how much we are putting on her

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 03/06/2014 11:56

Or could childcare be split?

I.e grandma has him for the day but then another relative has him from early evening and then overnight?

Or vice versa?

It might not feel like such a big ask then?

Catsmamma · 03/06/2014 11:57

OP is giving lip service to the feelings of others, only because she wants to get her way.

there's plenty of ways around it, but none of them involve the one thing OP wants which is to take the baby in his suit to the ceremony. So OP is peeved.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/06/2014 11:57

What part of that is martyring herself?

By taking ds to the ceremony which he is not invited to and then walking about outside with him and joining in for photos. It's a child free wedding so why turn up with DS and miss the ceremony instead walking about outside with him

Or by not leaving DS with MIL because he is not invited to the ceremony even though MIL watches him anyway and is normally happy to do so.

Or not allowing DH (best man) to stay at the evening do as she won't leave DS whos bedtime is 7.30 with MIL so will leave early to collect him. If she does take him to evening do she will leave earlier and DH Wi have to leave with her.

Everything about it is playing the martyr and being awkward.

I can't get over taking ds to a child free ceremony and walking about outside with him whilst dh is inside as best man then slotting him in for photos Shock

What about all the other people who have left their kids at home and respected the couples wishes then op turns up with ds in a suit to sit outside the church. Why would you even think about doing this and causing a bit of a scene or make the bride and groom uncomfortable. Very strange imo

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