To not want to go to wedding without ds

[BettyBoo246]

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

[MrsJoeDolan]

actually I think you have MIL's best interests at heart (which is nice) but really, no, you can't take a baby to a ceremony and sit outside with him, lovely and all as I am sure he is.

Your DH does sound particularly selfish though, maybe your response is based on this.

[paddyclampo]

When my kids were younger, even if they'd been invited I'd have gone without them and enjoyed a bit of peace :)

OP is there more to it than you're making out? I've been the wife of the best man at a couple of weddings before and it was a bit weird not being able to sit with DH. Didn't really matter as I knew lots of people at the wedding but if I'd hardly known anyone I don't think I'd have felt great about it.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

And if he was a year away toddler I'd agree. But babies are easy. She's gotta make him some lunch let him sleep and then shove him
Out in the garden to crawl around or something, really not hard work.She can do her gardening or just catch some rays.

For a one off wedding it's not a lot really.

[Joysmum]

I'm definitely not stamping my feet and nor cracking the whip. We are both invited so we both go together / leave together!

Er no, you're happy to arrive separately because it fits with with what you want. You're not prepared to leave separately because it doesn't.

The sooner you see it's YOU with the problem the better for everyone else involved.

[flowery]

But if you feel you are putting on her too much, why use her for childcare 3 days a week? Ditch the regular childcare now if putting on her is your concern, not the one-offs.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

well you are being awkward to be fair.

Why cant MIL look after ds for the ceremony and you collect ds and go home afterwards?

Your dh is best man. Why is it up to you what he does, hes part of the wedding party, you and ds are NOt

[CoffeeTea103]

Omg, you have no idea how ridiculous you sound. It's very convenient your conscience kicks in now. What nonsense about wanting your DS to see his father all dressed up, won't he see him before. He's not even a year old, it's hardly something he will remember. Your excuses are sounding worse the more you explain.
Admit it, you're being difficult intentionally. Your DH is happy for HIS mother to take care of your child, why aren't you. Seriously your reasons are all so flaky.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Tear away

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

Your Dh does sound a bit selfish to be honest.

Your mil sounds wonderful though.

Sorry but in this instance I really don't see how he is being selfish... He is the best man. It may be different if he was just an ordinary guest.

Could you not return home between the ceremony and the evening do.

I really can't see why you are insisting on having to leave together.

[Only1scoop]

Op describes her Dh as someone who puts on his mother quite a bit for childcare....without giving it much thought.

This is what I meant by selfish.

[BettyBoo246]

Plus I would take him to the night do if I thought he would be ok, but he doesn't sleep when there's noise so we could only stay for a bit and he would have to have a late bedtime, plus the night bit is for adults anyway, drinking dancing the occasional alcohol fuelled brawl etc not a place for babies really but they are allowed to this part?!
That's why it was just easier for me to say to mil we will leave him with her from the afternoon onwards.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

What's the difference between a nursery now and in a few weeks time?

If your so worried out him in a nursery. Mobility starts now so what's the difference

[LtEveDallas]

Your MIL sounds like a good one BettyBoo and it's nice of you to think of her. It's hard isn't it? - My MIL still offers to do stuff for us/for DD, but we know (and she knows) that she simply can't.

Your DH sounds like a lad on the piss, and pretty selfish. As long as he's alright he doesn't care if you / his DS / his mum aren't

I think I'd give the whole thing a miss - he can go off and get as drunkensinglemanwithnochildren as he likes, you can have a night without seeing his sulky face and without feeling guilty about putting on his mother.

[ILoveCoreyHaim]

I have told dh either I can ask mil to have ds from morning through till evening and then WE return early or I miss out on ceremony part to be with ds then mil can have him for longer in the evening so WE can both stay till later. But dh says I'm being awkward either way and should just let mil have ds all day/night. I'm asking for him to compromise like all parents have to!

Why does DH have to leave with you when he is best man. It's one night. Do you not understand you are going to make he bride and groom uncomfortable. I bet they are regretting asking him to be bast man now. Maybe you should tell them dh can't stay at the do so they have the option of asking someone else to be best man who can stay and join in with the celebrations. You are making this into a massive drama as you can't get your own way.

[Bearbehind]

I'm asking for him to compromise like all parents have to!

Except in this instance there is an alternative- it's just you don't want to take it.

If, after 6 pages on here and the fact that only 1 person is on your side, you still don't think UABU then there's no convincing you.

You are going to look like a self centred twat if you turn up with your son at the ceremony and making the best man go home early is also going to make you look pretty selfish when both situations are completely unnecessary.

I'd love to know if you'd be happy to let MIL have your son all day if you were bridesmaid at your best friends wedding........?

[flowery]

Tbh, it really does sound like you either don't want to go to the ceremony for whatever reason and are looking for an excuse, or are cross that you don't get to take your son in his suit to the ceremony and are looking for a way to make a point about that.

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

Oh come off it WooWoo - men do not have conscience when it comes to how long ds/dd is left for and who with and if we are taking advantage! As long as they get to let their hair down they pretty much don't care, so because I have the opposite attitude and do care he should stay and I should leave on my own!

Stereotyping or what! Most men DO care. You have just got yourself in a hole over this situation and don't seem to be able to stop digging.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Do you want to go to the wedding?

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

^Your DH sounds like a lad on the piss, and pretty selfish. As long as he's alright he doesn't care if you / his DS / his mum aren't

I think I'd give the whole thing a miss - he can go off and get as drunkensinglemanwithnochildren as he likes, you can have a night without seeing his sulky face and without feeling guilty about putting on his mother.^

A bit ott. He is best man!!!

[halcyondays]

Surely what anyone does when invited to a wedding, if they don't want to put upon their babysitter too much, is go to the ceremony, meal and then leave the evening do early enough to pick up the child? Not miss the ceremoney, and then go to the rest? That would be weird. But if they are willing to have them overnight, then a few more hours probably wouldn't make much difference?

If someone really is happy to keep them overnight, then great,but plenty of people leave weddings earlyish to get back to their kids. It does sound a bit childish of OP's dh to go mad because he wants to stay and party all night. But then only he and OP know whether it's asking toomuch really, some 68 year olds would be fine with this, some wouldn't.

[LayMeDown]

I was bridesmaid recently for my oldest friend. We had childcare in place. If there was a sudden change at the last minute and my H had started being awkward about back up arrangements to the extent he would have wanted me to leave early on some principal that he couldn't leave alone, I would have been furious. Because she is my best friend, on one of the most important days of her life. It was important to her and me I was there. It was an honour to be asked to stand at the alter and accompany her up the aisle. I found the day more emotional than my own. It is an EXCEPTIONAL day. If DH did anything else but row in to ensure I could be there for her it would have caused a lot of problems.
Of course he didn't, he took extra time off work so I could go to the wedding venue the night before. He liaised with my mother on the day to ensure smooth handover of kids, and he got down on time to stand smiling in the church to see me walk up the aisle in front of her. And he had tissues because after a lifetime of shared memories he knew this was one of the biggest to share with her.
That's what supportive partners do. Facilitate things that are important to each other. Not enter into some type of power play to make a point.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Is there another reason that you do not want dh to stay and you take ds home?

If it was the other way around and you were in the wedding party of your best friend, would you want your dh to take your ds home while you enjoyed the evening?

[LtEveDallas]

If it is so obvious that OP is Being Unreasonable and there have been over 100 posts saying so, why are people still posting that she is being unreasonable?

Does the piling on and joining in with a kicking make things better for OP? Is she more likely to completely change her mind and agree with you the more harsh words and namecalling there is? Does OP deserve to be called a twat, selfish, childish et al?

Those of you posting exactly the same as 100 people before you - why are your words more important than the previous 100 posters? Arrogance?

[BettyBoo246]

Look my dh gets to go out enough he never complains about being not allowed to do anything in fact most of his friends can't believe he goes out more than them and they don't even have kids, I don't go out too much but that is my choice I certainly do not sit and play the violin for myself. My point of us leaving together etc is that we are both invited, both attending, both celebrating, both have a baby!! I'm not selfish, controlling or any of that, I simple do not want to take advantage of my mil. Fine maybe suggesting we go for a walk during the ceremony is on hindsight a bit stupid I just thought if it was a nice day it would be ok for us to do that! But I've said either me and ds stay at home then I'll bring him to the reception (with mil) and she can take him back for dinner and bedtime and we stay, then she will of only had him from like 3-4pm. Or I drop ds off at mil's in morning me and dh go to the whole thing and then leave around 8/9 to relieve mil, I know u say once he's in bed it will make no difference to mil but it's the fact she will av to get up in night he if does and he's an early riser at like 5-6am so I just think it will be a lot if she's had him since the previous morning

[Bearbehind]

Likewise lteevedallas, what makes your opinion so much better than everyone else's