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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another MIL related one- sorry!

150 replies

phantomhairpuller · 24/03/2014 16:29

Before I start this, I should say that there is every chance that IABU but I need a bit of perspective and some other opinions.

This weekend coming is my DHs birthday. It's also my brothers birthday.
Absolutely nothing had been planned for either of them and so yesterday we started throwing a few ideas around with the in-laws (just a few drinks with the family, that sort of thing). No less than an hour later my mum phoned to say that my brother would like us all to get together on the Saturday evening and then go for a big family lunch for Mother's Day on the Sunday.
Today, MIL text to ask if we'd had any more thoughts on DHs "party", I replied to say that we'd like to go for lunch with her on the Saturday as we were now doing XYZ on the Saturday evening/Sunday.
Her reply was- and I quote- "Do you think that's right [phantom]? It's [DH] bday as well. I'm not impressed and one day in X years time, this could be you. I think we had better speak later...x"

I tried to call her as soon as she's sent that text but she didn't answer.

I am genuinely confused about what she means! To me, that reads as though she expects us to spend the entire day with her, because it's DHs birthday.

My MIL is a woman who gets what she wants and I really can see us having to cancel plans with my family because she's thrown her toys out.

I hold my hands up and say I am pretty angry about this, so that may be clouding my judgement but I would like your opinions and ideas on what to do next!

Unfortunately my family and my ILs don't get on, so a whole group gathering is out of the question.

Grin
OP posts:
Forgettable · 24/03/2014 16:32

Well you know the saying 'you snooze you lose'? Well, MIL has lost

If she was that bovvered she would've been cracking whip weeks ago

Pfffft flick her the Vs

QueenofallIsee · 24/03/2014 16:32

I think she is a cheeky cow... 'One day this could be you?'.. Oh do fuck off dear. Coincidence that she doesn't get on with your folks? I think not

One for your husband to deal with but I wouldn't be happy with being spoken to like a subordinate (which is how I would take that text)

Forgettable · 24/03/2014 16:33

And don't get invloved further, no need to ring her or whatevs

Joanne279 · 24/03/2014 16:35

I'd stop trying to please one or the other. Arrange a celebration for dh and brother and whoever gets to act like an adult can come :) it's 2 people's birthdays. Can difference not be put to one side so everyone can celebrate? X

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 · 24/03/2014 16:37

No, she is BU. There were no definite plans. My MIL is a bit like this - expects to take priority over other family. I let DH deal with her.

YouTheCat · 24/03/2014 16:37

Tough. You have plans now. You did ask to start with but no one committed to anything.

HauntedNoddyCar · 24/03/2014 16:37

Oh it's a sneaky Mothers' Day strop isn't it?

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 16:38

My MIL is a woman who gets what she wants and I really can see us having to cancel plans with my family because she's thrown her toys out

Do you and your DH enable her and allow her to get her own way?

Under NO circumstances must you back down on this.

CoffeeTea103 · 24/03/2014 16:39

Yanbu, you shouldn't cancel plans that you have already made.

LoonvanBoon · 24/03/2014 16:39

Please could you clarify a couple of things, phantom. Is it your brother's birthday on the Saturday, & your DH's on Sunday (Mother's Day)? Is your MIL upset because she won't see DH on Mother's Day & pretending to feel hurt on his behalf, so to speak, ("It's DH's b-day as well") as a cover for that?

I don't think YABU, anyway. Your MIL isn't necessarily being unreasonable to be disappointed, either, if all these occasions are clashing & she's not getting what she wants. She is, though, being very unreasonable to send you such a bossy, patronising text, talking to you as if she's a teacher who needs to tell off a naughty child.

It sounds as if she has form for that ("MIL is a woman who gets what she wants") so I think it's important for you to stick up for yourself here. Key question, though: is DH happy with the plans? Is he prepared to make that clear to his mum? Because it's going to be difficult for you to say "Well, we're all happy with the plans for the w/end, & that's what we're going to be doing" if you don't get back-up from him.

She's seeing you next Saturday so she really doesn't have much to complain about, anyway. But I wouldn't discuss plans with her in future until you're both really clear about what you want to do. I think changing your plans at her behest would be setting a bad precedent.

LilRedWG · 24/03/2014 16:40

I'd put the ball in DH's court. Let him deal with his mother and also ask him to kindly tell her that passive aggressive texts are not welcome.

TheBody · 24/03/2014 16:40

it's totally up to your dh as it's his birthday.

however as it's Mother's Day on Sunday it might be a bit mean to just visit your mum and not dhs mum. are they close by?

still you can't please everyone so get your dh to phone her and arrange that lunch.

if she's having a tantrum stuff her.

tumbletumble · 24/03/2014 16:41

What does your DH want to do for his birthday? I can see he might be a bit upset if you're spending Sat night and Sun lunch celebrating your brother's birthday and only Sat lunch on his. But if he's happy then it's not your MIL's decision.

Ronmione · 24/03/2014 16:42

I feel a bit sorry for her? She just feels left out of Mother's Day. I'd probably feel the same

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 16:43

very unreasonable to send you such a bossy, patronising text, talking to you as if she's a teacher who needs to tell off a naughty child

^

Original poster
phantomhairpuller · 24/03/2014 16:44

Oh yes, she most certainly has form for this kind of thing! And I'm ashamed to say, we do generally back down and let her do things her way- its just easier!

And as for letting DH sort this out- pah!! You're having a laugh right?! Confused

To clarify, it's DHs birthday on the Saturday and my brothers on the Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
phantomhairpuller · 24/03/2014 16:45

And the Mother's Day thing- the past two years we've spent with her and not seen my mum.

OP posts:
BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 16:46

have you had enough phantom, or are you happy to continue to make plans then cancel them because of this woman?

How will your family feel and your DM if you now cancel.

I just couldn't live like this, at the whim and mercy of everyone else...we did for a while and it was a nightmare

I would say " thanks for text, dont bother chatting later, our plans our set, let me know if you want to make saturday. "

Forgettable · 24/03/2014 16:46

Ah I see

Short term pain for long term gain then

Stick to your guns, she can nob off

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 16:46

Your poor mum phantom.

are you going to pull out on your own mother again ?

tumbletumble · 24/03/2014 16:47

Even if you can't leave it to DH to sort out, he must have an opinion on what he'd like to do for his birthday?

Nennypops · 24/03/2014 16:47

I suspect that what she means is that it's not right to spend so much time over the weekend doing what your brother wants as it's DH's birthday.

However, as Forgettable says, if this was that important everyone would have sorted it out ages ago. She can't demand that you suddenly start changing your plans because she's decided to have a 'party' only a few days beforehand. Unless these are significant birthdays for either brother I can't see the need to make a big deal about them.

feesh · 24/03/2014 16:48

They're both adults, are birthdays even such a big deal once you get past 21? I would ignore her and carry on with your plans as they are.

CoolJazz · 24/03/2014 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoonvanBoon · 24/03/2014 16:51

Okay, I totally agree with Forgettable then. And if you spent the last two Mother's Days with MIL, she really doesn't have anything to complain about.

A bit worrying that you don't seem to have much confidence in DH's ability to deal with her, though. As posters always point out, a lot of the MIL problems on here are really DH problems. If he never stands up to his mum, you could have a difficult time ahead. Do you have children? That usually intensifies overbearing MIL issues!