It's another MIL related one- sorry!

[phantomhairpuller]

Before I start this, I should say that there is every chance that IABU but I need a bit of perspective and some other opinions.

This weekend coming is my DHs birthday. It's also my brothers birthday.
Absolutely nothing had been planned for either of them and so yesterday we started throwing a few ideas around with the in-laws (just a few drinks with the family, that sort of thing). No less than an hour later my mum phoned to say that my brother would like us all to get together on the Saturday evening and then go for a big family lunch for Mother's Day on the Sunday.
Today, MIL text to ask if we'd had any more thoughts on DHs "party", I replied to say that we'd like to go for lunch with her on the Saturday as we were now doing XYZ on the Saturday evening/Sunday.
Her reply was- and I quote- "Do you think that's right [phantom]? It's [DH] bday as well. I'm not impressed and one day in X years time, this could be you. I think we had better speak later...x"

I tried to call her as soon as she's sent that text but she didn't answer.

I am genuinely confused about what she means! To me, that reads as though she expects us to spend the entire day with her, because it's DHs birthday.

My MIL is a woman who gets what she wants and I really can see us having to cancel plans with my family because she's thrown her toys out.

I hold my hands up and say I am pretty angry about this, so that may be clouding my judgement but I would like your opinions and ideas on what to do next!

Unfortunately my family and my ILs don't get on, so a whole group gathering is out of the question.

MIL is not being abandoned , you will see her on Saturday so stick to your plans.

Forgettable has put it very well. Especially the flicking Vs part.

Stick to plans. Actually, definitely don't let DH wriggle out of something he was happy to do because his mother is being rude (that text was very rude). If he decides to go and see his mother, by all means let him, but don't go along. You and the DC can go and see your family and let you MIL reap what she has sown.

Well the woman has been dumped in favour of a weekend long 'do' with your family.......even I can see that.

'No, it's DH's birthday on the Saturday, which is why we'd like to have lunch with you then. Sunday is MD, and we're spending it with my mum as for the last two years we've spent it with you. I don't really see how that's unfair. I have to say though, I can't see me in this position in the future - for a start, I'd never send such a rude, entitled text to my my DIL and expect her to then want to change her plans to spend more time with me!'

Do not back down.

Bruno- you may have answered all my problems

She doesn't get on with your family so I assume part of the reason she's pissed off is out of competitiveness?

Anyhow YANBU - it's pretty clear from the text that she sees you as someone to be told off and spoken to however she likes. I'd put a stop to that for starters!

what bruno said.

...and who speaks to people like that and then expects them to want to spend more time with them?

"I'm not impressed"

So what?

Absolutely agree with Cooljazz...what she says seems to be the cold hard facts of what has happened, though of course if your MiL has form for giving you a hard time you can be forgiven for interpreting it otherwise.

But as you describe it, it really does seem like MiL is justified in thinking she's been sidelined because you had a more fun offer.

errr yes what cooljazz said.

I'm confused Eddie You have agreed with Cooljazz and Bruno but they seem to be taking opposite points of view. Am I being stupid??

Thanks all, it's refreshing to have both sides of the argument pointed out.

I have to say, even I agree with cooljazz to a point

MIL knew that my brothers birthday would have to be factored into this weekend somewhere but I guess we shouldn't have backed out of plans we'd made- even if they weren't set in stone.

My MIL used to believe that DH had to take her out on his birthday every year to say 'thanks' for giving birth to him. She didn't text strop, because she doesn't have a mobile, but she used to throw huge hissy fits if she didn't get her own way - whether about how often we saw her, what presents we should buy her or what decisions we made in our own lives that actually had no effect on her. It only stopped when decided that any time she was stroppy, there would be no further negotiations.

Your MIL might have had an excuse to be a little hurt given that you'd discussed tentative plans (although it's your DHs birthday, so his plans not hers). However, I think giving her what she wants after a text like that is rewarding awful behaviour.

As someone else said, short-term pain for long-term gain. I was so angry with her so much of the time and now she and I get on really quite well (never going to be soul-mates, but we are properly family) and she will have a much better relationship with her DGC than she would have had.

Id go with brunos text.

Bollocks to 'er.

You sound nice Phantom...is it too late to lie and say you had clean forgotten about the plans made with your side of the family which had been made last week or something (I will rot in hell for this suggestion)

You did not have actual plans no real arrangements had been decided

I think giving her what she wants after a text like that is rewarding awful behaviour.

Absolutely.

I don't understand why your DH doesn't communicate with his mum and leaves it up to you

You did not have actual plans no real arrangements had been decided

But MiL may not have heard it that way: from what Phantom says it could be that she thought they had a plan and they were just going to firm up on the details.

As I said earlier, MiL may well have previous in this, but on this occasion it sounds like an honest misunderstanding on both sides. Though I know it runs counter to the MN orthodoxy to think that the MiL may not always be 3000000% in the wrong

If your brother's birthday is on the Friday, could you (your family/your DH/your DB) all get together on Friday evening to celebrate your brother's birthday (on his actual birthday)?

That would leave the Saturday free to celebrate your DH's birthday with his parents (rather than rushing away straight after lunch to your brother's evening).
Sunday would still be completely free, as you have planned, to spend having a big family lunch (your family) for Mother's Day.

The reason I'm asking this is because, although I do accept what you say about your Mil having form, it does sound as if you had first of all discussed the Saturday (your DH's birthday) with your PIL, as if the day were completely free and flexible (e.g. "throwing a few ideas around with the in-laws"), then just an hour later arrangements have separately made definite arrangements to spend DH's birthday evening and Sunday with your family.

I'm not in any way saying she's right (haven't heard enough to decide whether I think she might be right or wrong) but on the face of it, I can see why she's taken the humff.

My brother has plans with his in-laws on his actual birthday, hence him wanting to do something with us on the Saturday.

At the end of the day, I don't want to let anyone down or leave anyone feeling upset/pushed out, but to be perfectly honest, after MILs text, I cant say I want to spent the day in the company of someone who clearly thinks of me as her inferior

Yes the tone of her email was out of line, but the more I think about it the more it sounds like she was talking out of hurt feelings and quite possibly (pigs may fly) regret sending it. In any case it doesn't really sound like she thinks you're her inferior, more that she's having a strop because she feels left out, with some justification.

I daresay she doesn't even know about your brother's plans with his in laws but if she did she would quite possibly be even more upset knowing that she is being slotted in round two other families, because let's face it, that's what's happening.