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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's another MIL related one- sorry!

150 replies

phantomhairpuller · 24/03/2014 16:29

Before I start this, I should say that there is every chance that IABU but I need a bit of perspective and some other opinions.

This weekend coming is my DHs birthday. It's also my brothers birthday.
Absolutely nothing had been planned for either of them and so yesterday we started throwing a few ideas around with the in-laws (just a few drinks with the family, that sort of thing). No less than an hour later my mum phoned to say that my brother would like us all to get together on the Saturday evening and then go for a big family lunch for Mother's Day on the Sunday.
Today, MIL text to ask if we'd had any more thoughts on DHs "party", I replied to say that we'd like to go for lunch with her on the Saturday as we were now doing XYZ on the Saturday evening/Sunday.
Her reply was- and I quote- "Do you think that's right [phantom]? It's [DH] bday as well. I'm not impressed and one day in X years time, this could be you. I think we had better speak later...x"

I tried to call her as soon as she's sent that text but she didn't answer.

I am genuinely confused about what she means! To me, that reads as though she expects us to spend the entire day with her, because it's DHs birthday.

My MIL is a woman who gets what she wants and I really can see us having to cancel plans with my family because she's thrown her toys out.

I hold my hands up and say I am pretty angry about this, so that may be clouding my judgement but I would like your opinions and ideas on what to do next!

Unfortunately my family and my ILs don't get on, so a whole group gathering is out of the question.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 24/03/2014 18:11

Wotta, i am easily swayed.

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 18:17

Btw I I have only ever seen my son twice on Mother's Day since he met his wife!

First time I was single and my other son was on his gap year abroad. He (DS1 in England) spent the day with his wife's family (I was on my own) and they popped round in the evening stood on the doorstep to give me a box of chocolates (I will swear the car engine was still running) and left.

The second time was actually quite nice: they had just bought a new house together and they made a buffet lunch for both mothers (I get on really well with my opposite number btw).

So that's twice in about 14 years. I have yet to strop about it but I may just do that one day! However I am now really happily married and couldn't give a stuff tbh! I see my other son slightly more often. But I love them equally and have yet to strike one or the other from my will!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 24/03/2014 18:17

Hurt feelings ok, but the tone of that text was like someone telling off a child. How dare she? I would be spitting.

A friend had a very good reply to this kind of treatment by her MIL, it was replying to a similar kind of text, and she said something a bit like:

'Do you know, MIL, i would never even think of speaking to you as disrespectfully as you just did to me in that text. And if I did ever speak to you in that way, you wouldn't speak to me for a long time. Now. Tell me exactly why, firstly, you think it's ok to speak to me like that, and secondly, why you think I shouldn't react exactly as you would?'

It worked!

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 18:18

Wotta, i am easily swayed.

You sound like my kinda chap!!

Original poster

phantomhairpuller · 24/03/2014 18:18

That's just it, we're NOT ditching her. If we were, I could fully understand her reaction. Lunch could easily be a 4/5 hour affair if she wanted it to be.

I just don't see why a grown man is expected to spend his entire birthday with his mother, because I'm telling you now, that's the way it'll end up

OP posts:

IndieSkies · 24/03/2014 18:18

Yes, to be fair, you had discussed drinks for your DH on the Saturday night, and it sounds as if the 'few drinks' had been pretty much agreed. So you should have checked back before agreeing to the Saturday eve with your brother.

Your brother on Fri night, your DH on Sat night and S8un luch with your fmaily.

I can see from MILs pov that your family have 'bagsed' the Sat night and Mother's day lunch. Did you apologise for back tracking on the Sat night drinks?

But it was a v v rude text she sent.

Lottiedoubtie · 24/03/2014 18:20

I'd reply thy DH was really looking forward to lunch on Saturday, meet you there at 1o'clock and totally ignore anything else!

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/03/2014 18:20

I agree with WottaTheOdds that the tone of your MIL's text was caused by hurt feelings and that it's looking like there is some justification.

When I read your reason for not celebrating your brother's birthday on his birthday, "My brother has plans with his in-laws on his actual birthday, hence him wanting to do something with us on the Saturday", I did actually think yes, you are BU.

Celebrate your DH's birthday on Saturday with his family and include a bit of brother/sister birthday celebrations on Sunday's Mother's Day bash.

usualsuspectt · 24/03/2014 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 18:26

Celebrate your DH's birthday on Saturday with his family and include a bit of brother/sister birthday celebrations on Sunday's Mother's Day bash

That sounds like a really good idea. Your antipathy to your MiL is understandable Phantom but please don't let it get in the way of this suggestion which is surely workable (unless of course your own DM gets pissy about it )

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 18:29

You asked her first if they would like to go for a few drinks, then your own family rang and sorry, but you did ditch your MIL for them.

Quite. Or if you didn't actually ditch them you shunted them up and ringfenced the time so as to make room for your own family.

I honestly think you have to admit Phantom that your MiL does have justification in being pissed off, and however much you think she might deserve it, I really think it's down to you (or preferably your DH) to build a few bridges.

TidyDancer · 24/03/2014 18:33

I think it can only be said that you cancelled plans with MIL if you now weren't seeing her at all. You never committed to spending the whole day with her from what I can see.

I wouldn't back down on this one, it's not fair on you to have to.

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 18:37

I wouldn't back down on this one, it's not fair on you to have to.

But how is it fair on MiL, when by all accounts she seemed to think they had a plan and it's OP and her DH who are shifting the goalposts?

I honestly think Phantom would do herself more favours by reverting to Plan A, or better, Dish's plan and saves her steadfastness for an occasion when she is more clearly in the right (can't be far off!)

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/03/2014 18:40

It is indeed true that OP didn't actually go so far as to completely cancel the plans made with her DH's parents, but as WottaTheOdds so clearly puts it, while she "didn't actually ditch them (she) shunted them up and ringfenced the time so as to make room for (her) own family".

That does sound rather unfair on PILs.

Madeyemoodysmum · 24/03/2014 18:40

I agree with cool jazz. If you had discussed a plan but then changed it as your family rang that's rude, however I feel that as you have spent last two yrs with her on mothers day then its not unreasonable of you to not do it this yr

I can see however how mil feels slighted and to her she must feel like the short straw.

dancingnancy · 24/03/2014 18:41

Don't blame her for being miffed and hurt. She's been dumped and sidelined.

LittleBearPad · 24/03/2014 18:46

You did ditch her for your brother. As annoying as I'm sure she is and her email wasn't nice, YABU, you had plans albeit not clear ones with her.

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 18:50

however I feel that as you have spent last two yrs with her on mothers day then its not unreasonable of you to not do it this yr

I agree, but from what I can see, MiL isn't questioning the Mother's Day plans which in itself makes me think that maybe she is not as evil as all that

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 18:53

cooljazz

Does what you say stand even when plans with this MIL are more like a steam roller situation where the couple in question cannot stand up to her and say no...

I imgaine the mil didnt give two thoughts about the other people here and just got in quick as per uaual

MangoBiscuit · 24/03/2014 18:53

The OP seems to be getting a lot of stick for changing plans that had been made with her PIL, but I can't see where the OP has said that they had firm plans. (could be looking at it and not seeing it, if so please point it out to me!)

OP, did you have firm plans with PIL? Or a rough plan that just needed finalising? Or was it a few ideas of what to do with no real timescales?

If you're going back on plans you've made with MIL then I can understand why she's upset. If you made no plans then I think that's just tough on her. As for the Mother's Day thing, she'll just have to take turns.

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 18:53

I can see however how mil feels slighted and to her she must feel like the short straw.

I agree with this too! In fact I always says that this is my position in the family, not just with my DC but with my DM too! Thank gawd for Mr Odds I say, otherwise I might be feeling a bit leper-ish by now!

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 18:54

That does sound rather unfair on PILs

But are these pils fair to begin with?

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 18:58

I think the point Mango is that they did have plans of a sort but there is some disconnect in perception as to how firm they were. Even if they were tentative however, when Phantom's mum called her surely she could have said she would need to check back with MiL as they had started talking about doing something on Saturday. And the fact that MiL described it as a 'party' makes me think that the plans were rather more formulated than OP cares to admit.

Or maybe she was worried about her own mother's reaction if she said that...suddenly I am feeling very sympathetic towards OP

LoonvanBoon · 24/03/2014 19:03

I don't get all this stuff about MIL feeling hurt, dumped, sidelined, etc. etc. She is going to see her son, for lunch - which, OP says, could be a lovely, long family lunch - on his birthday. Most parents would be delighted, wouldn't they, that their adult son / daughter wanted to celebrate their birthday with them, rather than quibbling over the details?

I realize that OP & her DH raised the prospect of having drinks with PIL. But it doesn't sound like they'd made any concrete arrangements. And they'll probably have longer with PIL over a good lunch than if they'd just had a few drinks in the evening.

OP, do you think MIL is pissed off because she'd rather have the "evening slot"? Or does she really expect DH to spend his entire birthday with her? It sounds very OTT to me. OP has already said that her ILs don't get on with her parents, so MIL being miffed may well come from some inappropriate sense of competition - not to be encouraged, I wouldn't have thought.

And as OP has already said that her MIL has a tendency to make a fuss to get her own way, I doubt very much that the text was purely a reaction to feeling hurt.

OP, what does your DH want to do on his birthday?

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 19:12

op I would be v careful taking on board some of these posts because they do not understand the dynamic of an over bearing MIL and a weak DH, and being bullied into doing things you dont want.

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