It's another MIL related one- sorry!

[phantomhairpuller]

Before I start this, I should say that there is every chance that IABU but I need a bit of perspective and some other opinions.

This weekend coming is my DHs birthday. It's also my brothers birthday.
Absolutely nothing had been planned for either of them and so yesterday we started throwing a few ideas around with the in-laws (just a few drinks with the family, that sort of thing). No less than an hour later my mum phoned to say that my brother would like us all to get together on the Saturday evening and then go for a big family lunch for Mother's Day on the Sunday.
Today, MIL text to ask if we'd had any more thoughts on DHs "party", I replied to say that we'd like to go for lunch with her on the Saturday as we were now doing XYZ on the Saturday evening/Sunday.
Her reply was- and I quote- "Do you think that's right [phantom]? It's [DH] bday as well. I'm not impressed and one day in X years time, this could be you. I think we had better speak later...x"

I tried to call her as soon as she's sent that text but she didn't answer.

I am genuinely confused about what she means! To me, that reads as though she expects us to spend the entire day with her, because it's DHs birthday.

My MIL is a woman who gets what she wants and I really can see us having to cancel plans with my family because she's thrown her toys out.

I hold my hands up and say I am pretty angry about this, so that may be clouding my judgement but I would like your opinions and ideas on what to do next!

Unfortunately my family and my ILs don't get on, so a whole group gathering is out of the question.

• but she thought they had a plan

we started throwing a few ideas around with the in-laws (just a few drinks with the family, that sort of thing)

She gets to spend her sons birthday with him, I am not getting why she is upset. No times were set, no fixed arrangements were in place, the problem is she sounds like a control freak, who is used to getting her own way and she doesn't like any other plans coming into being on what she see's as her territory and control area.

DILS are born free yet; they end up chained by MIL.

including honouring the plans originally made with PILs. hmm

What plans, since when did a batting ideas around convo become fixed set plans?

I just don't think sending a text like that can be lightened by laughing it off.

It was a text designed to upset the OP, laughing wasn't an appropriate response.

I'm not saying the OP is a saint, but she's not behaved as badly as MiL.

For the record I love my MIL we get on well and I am not projecting or just conforming to the MN DIL default!

it doesn't sound as if the OP is planning on doing anything she doesn't want

Good!

She wants to see her own mother who has been sidelined for two years running....she wants to help celebrate her brothers birthday too with her family.

Mil also gets to celebrate her sons birthday with the family.

Everyone should be happy, everyone is getting spend a birthday with the correct mother....
Its only one person here who is kicking up a fuss...

everyone is getting spend a birthday with the correct mother

Actually the OP's brother isn't: he's spending his actual birthday with his in-laws. Wonder if there's a parallel thread going on somewhere

Let no one accuse me of not having RTFT. Dammit, I've written most of it

What plans, since when did a batting ideas around convo become fixed set plans?

Since when the OP stated that there were plans that she did back out of.

I actually quoted it, for your convenience, but I'm happy to quote it again.

"MIL knew that my brothers birthday would have to be factored into this weekend somewhere but I guess we shouldn't have backed out of plans we'd made"

Adish

You did some great editing there.

You missed off the little bit at the end...

even if they weren't set in stone.

MIL has precedent for getting her own way, and sadly op and her DH usually let her.

what has shocked her is that for once they are doing their own thing.

You did some great editing there. You missed off the little bit at the end.

Thank you, BornFreeButinChains. We aim to please!

However in my opinion, a plan that has been made, even if not set in stone, at least warrants the courtesy of further discussion, rather than the discourtesy of being unilaterally 'backed out of'.

As someone up thread said, it does indeed seem that the OP had a better offer.

Has anyone asked her dh what he wants to do on his birthday? because all I can see here is fighting between his wife and mum and nothing about what he wants. Surely that is the key. And I'd prioritise what my dh wanted to do on his birthday over what my brother wanted to do the day after his.

His mum was a rude bitch though.

Has anyone asked her dh what he wants to do on his birthday? because all I can see here is fighting between his wife and mum and nothing about what he wants. Surely that is the key. And I'd prioritise what my dh wanted to do on his birthday over what my brother wanted to do the day after his.

His mum was a rude bitch though.

I can completely see where you are coming from.

If you only made vague plans and you hadn't specifically chosen the venue/time etc then I can't see why she should own the day.

Quite a few adults don't spend their big day with their Mum and spend it with their partner/children etc, so in that respect I think she's very lucky indeed.

Even if the plans were altered wouldn't it have been more a grace of the mother in law to say, 'I was really hoping it would be the evening because x/y/z' and then if that wasn't negotiable to say 'well fair enough then, at least I get to see my grown son'. I just can't see why it has to be all or nothing.

OP should apologise for changing plans but say that she really wants to see her brother, especially if she didn't get to see him last year.

I don't think she should send passive aggressive texts nor shout at the OP. But honestly I think the OP shouldn't fight back and argue, as she seems to enjoy the drama.

I'd just leave it how it is now phantom.

1. You're seeing your MIL and DHs family say 12pm to 4pm.
2. You come back and do whatever and see your brother 6pm to 10pm.
3. You go to your mothers for Mothers Day.

I think that's all very fair and not one person is getting all the attention.

It's not like it's an acquaintance's birthday and then your DHs, it's someone special in your life too.

Well, it seemed there was lots of space and time to thrash something out at a relaxed pace regarding DH's birthday when you first talked to your in laws. That all changed because of a desire that your DB had. Personally, in light of the conversation you'd had with in-laws first, I would have said, 'we'll def be coming to one of those things but possibly not both because something's happening for DH and with it also being mother's day, we'll have to be fair and give everyone a look-in.' Instead you prioritised your families' plans and basically gave Mil a slot she could have, whether or not it was ideally suited to whatever the plan turned out to be.

I think you were being a bit unreasonable, yes.

I hate to say it though because her awful text would just make the words 'sorry' turn to ash in my mouth!!

MIL sounds like a nightmare to me. Can you ask DH to do the main communicating and organising with his family from now on? I would block someone's number if they sent me a rude text, and certainly wouldn't then facetime them, but that is because I'm a little precious and maybe neurotic over telephone type conversations, which I aim to mainly avoid.

I think YAbu.
Plans were being made for dh's birthday and you didn't consider those plans when you made arrangements with your DM.
I agree with adishbesteatencold
And I'm not buying the evil mil backstory here. It seems op and mil don't get on but nothing I've read here leads me to believe that's down to MILs behaviour alone.

To people pointing out that no one cares what the DH wants on his birthday: he probably jus wants all these people to be happy, stop arguing and stop bothering him with this.

OP doing nothing is an option. If you don't want to talk on the phone or face time, don't. Your mil didn't answer her phone when you tried to call. Tell you dh to speak to his DM and disengage.

Dhs like yours may try to please everyone but end up causing more friction. I don't have an il problem. I had a problem with my oh putting me in an awkward position because he felt guilty and anxious to do the right thing, I'm no longer the scapegoat. Im not the 'proper' woman my mil would like me to be because I don't want to be my family linchpin by negotiating ALL contact and family issues. Fine with me. We get on better now I've disengaged. Mil will eventually realise I've not been keeping her ds away from her. He is lazy (well, busy we both work full time).

When you first spoke to MIL about "a few drinks", when was that going to be?

If your husband wants to celebrate by having lunch on Sat, then that's that.

But if you had been talking about doing something Sat eve I can see MIL might be disappointed, and it looks as if you are putting your brother first.

I think this is all in the handling, not what you've chosen to do, but how you've gone about it.

Surely with all the previous, you'd have known that abandoning the PIL's tentative plans would require a sensitive approach and not doing so was likely to unleash a shitstorm. Sure, why should you have to tread on eggshells, but in this instance, a few carefully chosen words when relaying your decision to mil could have given her no excuse to kick off, or at the very least strengthened your position when she did. You loaded her gun for her.

What you are proposing in itself is not unreasonable, but as others have said it's the context and perceptions, which you ought to have been aware of and factored in.

I'm often of the mind that "why should we involve ourselves in silly merry dances to pacify the PILs?" it seems like pandering and compromising one's integrity. But then when the alternative is facetime with MIL (shudder - hives just thinking about it) then show me the hoop - I'm prepared to jump through flames.

What I don't get is that none of the key days - DH's birthday, DB's birthday, Mother's Day - can possibly have come as a surprise. This issue must have come up in the past,

Why leave it so late in the day to arrange anything?

Next year, perhaps you could ask your DH what he would like to do to celebrate his birthday, and then present it as a done deal to both MIL and your side of the family, so both can make plans around yours?

We've just moved house, I haven't even known what day of the week it is recently, let alone the date.

Maybe I'm being pathetic but I've told DH I will celebrate with him in whatever he wants to do on Saturday but at 5pm I am leaving to spend the evening with my family- who incidentally, I don't see nearly as much as I see my ILs.
My last birthday was a non event thanks to my husband and my father in law (search my name- it's all there)

Scoring points may be pathetic but I guess that's me.

That's not scoring points OP, you are being eminently reasonable.

And as I said before, if she is rude to you during the day, leave with dignity earlier.

Try and grab hold of the moral high ground, be polite, do what you say you will do and don't rise to any bait.

How far away are you all from each other?

I notice that your brother is spending his bday with his ILs, which of course is his choice & maybe you are too far away to be there anyway, but did he even invite you?

Why don't you see much of your family-distance?

I think that you are being mean to your husband tbh as you will be seing your family on Sunday.

She reminds me of a mother trying to install some kind of fear with a expression of disappointment in what their child has done haha.
You're an adult, i don't think she should have took that tone with you.
No firm plans were made in regards to your OH so i think you were fine agreeing to make plans with your mother, aslong as your OH was included in the decision making process?

Yes if it's all OK with OPs husband then that's find.

Wonder if he would say anything even if it wasn't!

That's just it, my husband was just as big a part of the planning as I was- I ran everything past him (ie plans for Saturday evening with my family) and he said it all sounded great. Yet I'm the one being given grief from my MIL.

I can't win with her, she's an incredibly manipulative woman.

Regardless of who was in the wrong (I admit, I think it was me with the way I handled things to begin with) I am sticking to my guns on this one. She will not shout me down any more.

Thanks all, it's been genuinely refreshing to have other peoples perspectives on this one.