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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another MIL related one- sorry!

150 replies

phantomhairpuller · 24/03/2014 16:29

Before I start this, I should say that there is every chance that IABU but I need a bit of perspective and some other opinions.

This weekend coming is my DHs birthday. It's also my brothers birthday.
Absolutely nothing had been planned for either of them and so yesterday we started throwing a few ideas around with the in-laws (just a few drinks with the family, that sort of thing). No less than an hour later my mum phoned to say that my brother would like us all to get together on the Saturday evening and then go for a big family lunch for Mother's Day on the Sunday.
Today, MIL text to ask if we'd had any more thoughts on DHs "party", I replied to say that we'd like to go for lunch with her on the Saturday as we were now doing XYZ on the Saturday evening/Sunday.
Her reply was- and I quote- "Do you think that's right [phantom]? It's [DH] bday as well. I'm not impressed and one day in X years time, this could be you. I think we had better speak later...x"

I tried to call her as soon as she's sent that text but she didn't answer.

I am genuinely confused about what she means! To me, that reads as though she expects us to spend the entire day with her, because it's DHs birthday.

My MIL is a woman who gets what she wants and I really can see us having to cancel plans with my family because she's thrown her toys out.

I hold my hands up and say I am pretty angry about this, so that may be clouding my judgement but I would like your opinions and ideas on what to do next!

Unfortunately my family and my ILs don't get on, so a whole group gathering is out of the question.

Grin
OP posts:
Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 24/03/2014 19:22

I'd send a Bruno's reply with a breezy dh will sort it out with you.

It doesn't sound like your DH gives two farts about his birthday. I don't really understand the dynamics because I wouldn't arrange my DH's birthday with his DM (even when I arranged a surprise).

Mouthfulofquiz · 24/03/2014 20:13

It sounds to me like one of those situations where potential plans go backwards and forwards twenty times until someone makes a decision - in this case, it was to join her brother's fixed plan for birthday drinks. If MIL was so desperate to fix the Saturday, maybe she should have just said so outright and booked it in.
That text she sent the OP is vile and tbh I wouldn't be seeing her this weekend at all.

Original poster
phantomhairpuller · 24/03/2014 20:19

Well THAT was interesting! Hmm we've just had a very shouty conversation on FaceTime (she's just bough an iPad and INSISTS on doing everything on there ATM)
When I told her that I found her text patronising, she laughed. She asked me to read it back to her and explain exactly which part I was referring to Shock this is the kind of woman I am dealing with.

As for my husband- he's his usual wet-fart self where his mother is concerned.

Disclaimer: I may have had a couple of glasses of wine and be brooding somewhat.

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 24/03/2014 20:20

I hope you held your nerve and read it back to her explaining in words of one syllable what you mean?

She's trying to bully you pretty shamelessly. Don't let her.

Don't change your plans.

Original poster
phantomhairpuller · 24/03/2014 20:22

Oh I did, don't you worry.

The brass neck on that woman really beggars belief sometimes.

OP posts:
ChickenFromHell · 24/03/2014 20:24

She sounds charming Hmm

Lottiedoubtie · 24/03/2014 20:25

Well done.

If she doesn't get her way this weekend it might just occur to her to try a different, nicer tactic next time?!

If she is rude on Saturday just get up and leave, even if you leave DH there. Just say 'well, I'm sure you'll enjoy an hour or so more with DH, so I'll go home now and I'll see you soon, DH see you at home when you're ready'.

Icily polite but refuse to let her be rude or see you upset.

hamptoncourt · 24/03/2014 20:25

I would say as she has been so fucking rude you won't be seeing her at all at the weekend.

Of course if DH won't back you up then, as usual, he is your problem, not MIL.

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 20:30

we've just had a very shouty conversation on FaceTime

I cant imagine anything worse than facetime with my MIL/

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 20:30

Good for you Phantom!!! Stand your ground.

AngelaDaviesHair · 24/03/2014 21:11

Never Facetime her again!

LucilleBluth · 24/03/2014 21:45

Well I'm glad that MIL laughed at you......you needed laughing at over this. Sorry OP.......good one MIL.

Lottiedoubtie · 24/03/2014 22:01

Well don't you sound lovely lucille Hmm

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 22:03

When I told her that I found her text patronising, she laughed. She asked me to read it back to her and explain exactly which part I was referring to

I wondered about that too!

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 22:04

As for my husband- he's his usual wet-fart self where his mother is concerned

Just occurs to me that actually, maybe he likes his mum and doesn't want to upset her.

Iris27 · 24/03/2014 22:10

I think this is about Mother's Day "in x years this could be you"... Does she mean you could be a mother in x years and your child could be with someone else's mother on Mother's Day?

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 22:14

Iris, have you read the thread have you read the part where in fact ops Mothers child, ie OP was with some one elses mother on mothers day, ie her MIL.

Confused
WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 22:20

I think you are right in essence Iris but in fact it seems MiL is not making any waves about Mother's Day at all: she's more focussed on her son's birthday.

I think what she is getting at is that maybe OP will be sidelined by her children in law, that her DC will be putting in laws before parents and won't like it (though this is just conjecture of course).

It's true that OP has spent the last two Mother's Days with MiL: what we don't know is are we comparing like with like. We do know that OP's mother has other child(ren) but her DH may be an olny child. Conjecture again. There has to be a shitty novel here!

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 22:23

The brass neck on that woman really beggars belief sometimes

You said that OP and I am happy to believe you but nothing you have actually said about your MiL's behaviour on this occasion substantiates that. It sounds to me like you are pretty evenly matched. Just a thought: are you as critical of her son to her as you are being here?

Lottiedoubtie · 24/03/2014 22:26

Oh come off it, leave the OP alone.

If you had any doubts they should have been satisfied by the MILs reaction to OP feeling patronised by the text. She Laughed!

The only vaguely justifiable reason for sending a horrible text like that in the first place would be upset and hurt. You wouldn't then laugh at being challenged on it...

BornFreeButinChains · 24/03/2014 22:31

MiL is not making any waves about Mother's Day at all: she's more focussed on her son's birthday

She will see her son, her adult son on his birthday and as op said she can spend all day with them if that is what she wants.

I think what she is getting at is that maybe OP will be sidelined by her children in law, that her DC will be putting in laws before parents and won't like it (though this is just conjecture of course)

How is anyone being side lined here.

Mil will spend her sons birthday with him.The lion share of the day anyway....and for the last two years she, Mil has had them both there for mothers day...

I am not seeing where she is being side lined.

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 22:32

I think we are quite clearly polarising ourselves here into those who are identifying with MiL and those with DiL

This doesn't always happen with me...I am a MiL but I remember all to clearly what it was like being a DiL (to a woman with three sons and no daughters, yikes) and quite frequently find myself lining up behind the DiL but for the life of me on this occasion I am still struggling to see what the MiL has done that is so awful.

She laughed????? The bitch, the cow!!! Maybe, just maybe, she was trying to lighten things a bit. As has been said many times (and not just by me) it sounds to me like she has just as much reason to feel aggrieved as Phantom.

So sorry Lottie my doubts have not been assuaged!

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 22:35

I am not seeing where she is being side lined.

You could well be right Born Free (by the way I wrote my final French Thinkers' exam on the quote that is the basis of your name Grin ) but she thought they had a plan (okay I get that OP didn't see it that way) and then finds that the plan has been altered to suit a subsequent engagement. That's where the (perceived) sidelining come in.

WottaTheOdds · 24/03/2014 22:36

Mothers in law are born free and yet everywhere they are in chains!

Grin
ADishBestEatenCold · 24/03/2014 22:38

"they do not understand the dynamic of an over bearing MIL and a weak DH, and being bullied into doing things you dont want"

Oh, I don't think you need to worry too much about that, BornFreeButinChains, it doesn't sound as if the OP is planning on doing anything she doesn't want, including honouring the plans originally made with PILs. Hmm

"Before I start this, I should say that there is every chance that IABU"

"am pretty angry about this, so that may be clouding my judgement"

"MIL knew that my brothers birthday would have to be factored into this weekend somewhere but I guess we shouldn't have backed out of plans we'd made"

"As for my husband- he's his usual wet-fart self where his mother is concerned"

"Oh I did, don't you worry"