It's another MIL related one- sorry!

[phantomhairpuller]

Before I start this, I should say that there is every chance that IABU but I need a bit of perspective and some other opinions.

This weekend coming is my DHs birthday. It's also my brothers birthday.
Absolutely nothing had been planned for either of them and so yesterday we started throwing a few ideas around with the in-laws (just a few drinks with the family, that sort of thing). No less than an hour later my mum phoned to say that my brother would like us all to get together on the Saturday evening and then go for a big family lunch for Mother's Day on the Sunday.
Today, MIL text to ask if we'd had any more thoughts on DHs "party", I replied to say that we'd like to go for lunch with her on the Saturday as we were now doing XYZ on the Saturday evening/Sunday.
Her reply was- and I quote- "Do you think that's right [phantom]? It's [DH] bday as well. I'm not impressed and one day in X years time, this could be you. I think we had better speak later...x"

I tried to call her as soon as she's sent that text but she didn't answer.

I am genuinely confused about what she means! To me, that reads as though she expects us to spend the entire day with her, because it's DHs birthday.

My MIL is a woman who gets what she wants and I really can see us having to cancel plans with my family because she's thrown her toys out.

I hold my hands up and say I am pretty angry about this, so that may be clouding my judgement but I would like your opinions and ideas on what to do next!

Unfortunately my family and my ILs don't get on, so a whole group gathering is out of the question.

And I don't mean I ran everything past him once I'd agreed to it all, I asked him whilst on the phone to my mum. In fact, he spoke to my step-dad about the plans himself.

I think the mistake you made was mentioning your other plans. You should have stuck with making birthday the lunch plan, putting as much effort into it as poss, taking the mother's day flowers and cards to the birthday lunch so that was covered too. Kept quiet about the evening do. And then if your mil mentioned Mother's Day, said "oh we are popping in to see my mum tomorrow as we knew we were seeing you today". Do your own thing but minimise your other plans, to avoid jealousy. Which is what this boils down to.

Well hindsight is great isn't it?

But I guess that if you had discussed things with ILs & no decisions made, then when you knew that you would be out Sat eve, the best thing would have been to tell her that Sat lunch had been decided on.

If you had been discussing seeing them Sat eve, it does sound a bit as is if you are telling them that you've received a better offer!

I am sticking to my guns on this one. She will not shout me down any more.

Well done, phantom. There have obviously been issues for a while & you need to start being assertive.

In future I would definitely sort out arrangements with DH first & then present them to family as a fait accompli.

Although I think on this occasion ywbu (because I reckon plans were made for the evening, they just weren't rock solid) I can see why you took this action.
You say your mil is manipulative, and that might be the case, I'll take your word for it. It's very difficult when you feel your choices are frequently sidelined for other ppl's. The thing is, you risk becoming as manipulative as your mil, (its a common tactic for ppl who struggle with being assertive but still want their own way) which can only lead to years of stressful conflict.
If your dh was party to both sets of arrangements then he must deal with the fall out. It's not your problem. Don't get into a confrontation with her because you risk looking bad or feeling bad.

Phantom. If you knew it was your DB's birthday on the same weekend and would rather have spent the time with your family , then you should have discussed plans first with them before batting ideas around with PIL.

If i had discussed tentative plans with, well anyone, and then a few weeks later had found they had just decided to do something else with someone else without sending me a text to say did we make plans then for xx night, then i would be upset too.

I do know what you are up against. I have trouble with it too at times but i afraid on this occasion you were in the wrong, she just didnt handle it very well.

"I've told DH I will celebrate with him in whatever he wants to do on Saturday but at 5pm I am leaving to spend the evening with my family"

On your DH's birthday? Nice.

"Scoring points may be pathetic but I guess that's me"

"Regardless of who was in the wrong (I admit, I think it was me with the way I handled things to begin with) I am sticking to my guns on this one. She will not shout me down any more."

My children have been known to adopt this sort of stance when in the wrong also.

Well at your invitation Phantom I searched the thread about your birthday and it sounds like a bummer and no mistake and as far as I can tell you were completely justified in getting furious.

BUT.................on that occasion it seems like your MiL was your biggest ally, and your FiL came to his senses pretty rapidly. The real twat in the woodpile was your DH. SO...it now makes me think that you MiL is indeed upset because she might have been expecting some solidarity from you.

I also found out from that thread that your DH will be 31 this weekend, so still just a kiddywink really but well old enough to know better.

That is all!

any links to these threads...

here you go Chains

God, what a nightmare birthday! Is your DH often such an arse, phantom?

I saw another thread about him never standing up to his mum or supporting you. And one about MIL undermining you & constantly & feeding the kids sweets etc. when she'd been told not to.

It does look as if the common denominator in all these problems is DH. He should be setting boundaries with his parents & he should be taking a hell of a lot more responsibility for family communication. I'm not surprised you're frustrated with him.

When you said he was his usual "wet fart self" with her, what exactly does he do? Agree with everything she says? Join in if she criticizes you? How bad is it?

FWIW I have a difficult MIL who would happily dictate to us if we let her. But I've gradually disengaged & usually let DH sort it out these days. I don't think I'd still be happily married to him otherwise. Living a long way away helps too.

I've read the other thread(s)
Blimey. I'd be happy to have a woman like her in my life tbh.
Although her son can't handle his drink. That would piss me off.

I have only read the birthday thread and it sounds like your DH is still very much his mothers son living at home under family control and is not in control of his own life and is sort of playing at families with you.
The families seem very intertwined and your DH sounds immature.

I am not getting any great signs from that thread that the MIL is actually this wonderful woman who is fully behind op at all.

It seems to be his family life as normal with OP being the breeder cow providing the off spring.

Blimey. I'd be happy to have a woman like her in my life tbh

I would love some examples of why Amanda, I cant see it myself.

She stayed with op helping with birthday prep while their dh's went to the pub.
She is involved and interested in her grandchildren and offers to let her have a lie in.
She appears (according to the op) to have been behind dh apologising for being a drunken arse.

Nobody's perfect. But I can't see what she's done that would make me Consier her to be "the problem" in this family dynamic.

Your DH'S family sounds like quite a toxic little web, and it sounds as if you have become entangled because you have been trying to please them all, one way and another.

It is outrageous that after behaving badly on your birthday your DH then ducked out of the next day's event leaving you to pick up the pieces. He has done the same thing now. And I would guess that he never apologised for your birthday being wrecked and so sub consciously, or passive-aggressively you did not feel like making his b'dY the big event of Saturday.

I would actually try and be direct and open with your MIL and tell her what happened, how your DH agreed to it all, and say sorry if she is upset but too many people wanting too much out of one weekend.

But stick to plans now made.

Totally agree blu it is a toxic web, and as for MIL I wouldn't have watched the FIL and son go out to get pissed in the first place on her birthday.

Have to agree with many posters though its the DH at fault here.

I think you could have said to your family - let me get back to you on this because we are currently waiting to hear from Dh's family regarding his birthday celebration. You did approach them first so in my mind they get first dibs on the day, its not as if you'd been left waiting weeks for a reply, it was a day if I've understood correctly.

Its your husbands birthday and he really does trump a brother when it comes to who gets what day.

And is there any reason why one of the birthdays couldn't have also been a mothers day celebration also?

We had/have a conflict of interest this week as well with 3 birthdays, mothers day, and the Arab mothers day also. With a bit of thought and give and take it things can be worked out but I have to admit that saying something like - one year this could be you, would seriously test my good will.

But that said - none of what is going on in your life right now re birthdays and mothers day is worth agro.

Having

Having

My phone is being very strange today!

Anyway, having read your birthday thread I would do whatever you want to do this weekend, ignore everyone who annoys you, and buy your husband a lovely birthday present, large bottle of non alcoholic wine should do the trick.

And about your mil, manipulative ones live forever, so you might want to make it clear, sooner rather than later, that you will not be bullied into anything.

My experience of this was both sets of grandmothers. By the time I was 6 I knew that they were only interested in themselves.

I think your DH is a product of his upbringing, he has been conditioned from a baby to always please his mother. Hence the wet fart behaviour.
However, his behaviour when drunk is really worrying and I'm surprised you are risking another party. What is he teaching your DC by abusing their mother and making her cry?

MIL's remarks were unacceptable, but not surprising from a person who likes getting her own way. In this instance, DH was included in the discussions of the various events and seemed agreeable to them, so he can deal with his mother. You are not the bad guy here. I think if she had wanted a party for DH that badly she would have got her bid in ages ago, and is just annoyed that OP's family have got in first. It's almost as if she doesn't expect them to have a life outside of her world. Maybe the DH sneakily fancied a get together that didn't include his mum, who knows? It will be interesting to see whether he leaves with you to go to your brother's party.