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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a life before I have kids?

136 replies

frankyboop · 16/03/2014 20:50

So, I'm 27, married.

DB and SIL are expecting their second baby, 1st is only just 1. I am happy for them, it's great (they are younger than me)

I earn more money than them and go out most weekends with my friends, drink, have fun etc. All I get from them is how much I go out and talking down to me like I'm doing something wrong. They have made their life choices, so have I. It doesn't help that DH would love me to settle down with a baby and they know this Hmm

AIBU or selfish?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2014 20:51

YANBU. They sound a little jealous of your freedom. :)

PenguinDancer · 16/03/2014 20:51

YABU to think you don't have a life when you have a child.

Did you read your thread title on MUMSnet before posting?!

Original poster
frankyboop · 16/03/2014 20:53

Sorry, you know what I mean Smile

I know SIL cannot go out whenever she wants etc.

OP posts:
PenguinDancer · 16/03/2014 20:54

YANBU for making your own life choices. I'm confused as to why you're in a relationship where one wants to settle and the other seems nowhere near ready.

curiouselle · 16/03/2014 20:54

I have never understand this argument, both ways is fine! I personally don't think you need to do everything before 30. My grandma travelled the world when she retired and could afford to stay in nice hotels. Just depends how you want your life!

MorrisZapp · 16/03/2014 20:54

Why do you think you might be being selfish?

GingerMaman · 16/03/2014 20:55

YANBU. Enjoy your freedom, tbh they are probably envious of your lifestyle!

nailslikeknives · 16/03/2014 20:56

Enjoy your life! Kids are great, so is shopping without tantruming toddlers, eating at times and speeds that suit YOU, going to the loo on your own, seeing your mates when you like etc etc

It must be terrible to resent your kids (for more than 10 mins at a time Grin) for all the life changes they bring, so have them when you want them!

I had mine at 35 and 37, I had a decent career etc beforehand - best of both worlds!

Original poster
frankyboop · 16/03/2014 20:56

I thought it was what I wanted, we even TTC briefly then quickly got scared and changed my mind, went back on the pill.
DH is very understanding and will wait, I just hope one day I will wake up and want to have kids?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/03/2014 20:56

You must follow your heart. And I agree with you.

However I think people should have a life before they marry too ;)

EatShitDerek · 16/03/2014 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quinteszilla · 16/03/2014 20:57

Yabu. They have seen the light. That drinking and clubbing and going out with friends is boring, pointless, shallow and mindless activities. They love you, and want you too experience this love, this ever-flowing love that is parenthood, with all its real proper wholesome joys.

Grin

he he he.

sarahquilt · 16/03/2014 20:57

YANBU. I'm having a baby at 33 and me and husb had loads of fun over the last few years before baby.

LessMissAbs · 16/03/2014 20:57

YANBU. You're normal and well adjusted. BIL and SIL and their respective spouses are like what you describe, they are quite possibly the most tediously boring people I have ever met.

Mind you, its a good job they do have kids, since they would have nothing to do with themselves or talk about otherwise.

FabBakerGirl · 16/03/2014 20:59

Your life isn't over when you have kids. It is just different!

BratinghamPalace · 16/03/2014 21:02

Once you have a child you will miss making a decision solely for your pleasure or benefit. You will really miss that! So enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. When you are ready (and some day you will be ready) then off you go!

pyjamaramadrama · 16/03/2014 21:04

Yanbu I assume you meant freedom and not life, I have a dc and still have a fulfilling life but less freedom perhaps, it depends on the lifestyle you choose and there is nothing wrong with either.

You can do different things before you have children, you can do things with them and also once they've grown up.

Your brother and sil probably just don't understand your choices because they've made different ones.

HavantGuard · 16/03/2014 21:05

It's not over but it changes completely. You lose so much freedom. By the time you get it back again you're old.

Guitargirl · 16/03/2014 21:05

You obviously don't feel ready to have children. Just ignore them. How long have you been married and did you have the discussion about kids before your marriage? It's possible you may never want to have children. Also - I don't think how much you earn compared with your SIL and her DH is really relevant.

Whocansay · 16/03/2014 21:06

I felt exactly the same at 27. Of course YANBU. I was 32 before I was ready and had my PFB. You still have plenty of time to enjoy life before you have children.

It's none of your SIL's business how you choose to live your life. I suspect she is a bit jealous of your freedom. Personally, when you talk with her I'd wind her up about your antics and get more outrageous as time goes on. See if you can make her explode with indignation and disapproval. I may be a bit of a cow Smile

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/03/2014 21:06

I don't think your life is over when you have kids.

Oh yeah I do a bit really.

DietCokeMultipackCan · 16/03/2014 21:07

Yanbu. We are all different. I was all partied out at 25 but an ex of mine is 40 and still living that life. Don't have children until you are ready as it really restricts your freedom and if you feel resentful of that I think it will show. No child deserves that.

TheBigBumTheory · 16/03/2014 21:07

The expression 'have a life' bothers me. I will always have a life, until I'm dead, regardless of what I'm doing.

I'm not surprised if you want to wait before you have dcs if you are considering your life will be effectively over once you are a mother.

Iwasagnome · 16/03/2014 21:07

Be aware that it may take you some time to conceive and that the chances of conceiving and of birth defects etc increase as you get older.

sherazade · 16/03/2014 21:07

YABU you can have a life that you enjoy to the max as well as kids had mine at 21/22 now at thirty i have my figure back, my career is going the way i want and we travel all the time unlike my peers who are either expecting baby no.1 ir ttc and have a few years of sleepless nights , nappies, feeds and baby led schedules to look forward to. Just remember when I did give birth all those years ago and the same people pitied me or criticised me/ judges me for throwing my life away to have children. I felt very isolated and felt that they looked down on me, missed weddings, nights out and Look who is laughing now..