To want a life before I have kids?

[frankyboop]

So, I'm 27, married.

DB and SIL are expecting their second baby, 1st is only just 1. I am happy for them, it's great (they are younger than me)

I earn more money than them and go out most weekends with my friends, drink, have fun etc. All I get from them is how much I go out and talking down to me like I'm doing something wrong. They have made their life choices, so have I. It doesn't help that DH would love me to settle down with a baby and they know this

AIBU or selfish?

Minifingers, if the OP wants to go 'shopping, acquiring possessions, getting pissed and clubbing' it's up to her and it's not 'squandering' her life at all. It's her choice.

'interesting, creative or politically or socially important.' Because everyone else is busy doing all those things, obviously.

OP, do whatever the hell you like. Tell your family to mind their own business when they start up about how much you go out and what you 'should' be doing instead.

YANBU. I never really wanted to have children until I was over 30 and I had DD1 when I was 36, DD2 at 39.

Before then I had so much I wanted to do, not drinking and clubbing, but travelling, studying etc. and I just wasn't really mature enough to have children in my 20s.

I am now very happy to spend most of my time being a mum and putting my children first.

Everyone is different, some people are more mature and are ready to be parents earlier and some people prefer to wait until later as long as you are happy then it is fine. It is has nothing to do with anyone else though when you choose to start a family.

YANBU, but do something more exciting than going out drinking (I am not dissing going out drinking, but it's hardly the be-all and end-all of "having a life"). If you are planning to have children eventually, then use this period of your life to travel to interesting non-child-friendly places, take job roles that involve flying to Switzerland at 24 hours' notice, take up rock climbing or get a pilot's licence... well, not necessarily those specifically, but stuff that is really making the most of life and of being able to put yourselves first. You can always go out drinking once you have children if you just get a babysitter, but it's the other stuff that gets more tricky with children in tow.

If you still want to go out all the time, YADNBU. Whatever others say on here your life changes massively when you have kids and you don't ever get back that carefree time in your life. So, enjoy yourself. You've still got masses of time to have a family and it's really no-one's business but yours and your DH's anyway.

I had kids in my 20s am a single parent,have travelled ,retrained twice, have done loads.I have perhaps had less freedom,but have done more with my limited freedom than many do with endless choices.
Don't have kids if you don't want them, If i am honest I didn't really consider the impact they would have on my life,but it all worked out.On the other hand my kids are in high school when many of my contemporaries are pushing buggies.

YANBU!

It is not a selfish decision as at the end of the day - it will be your life that is impacted - not their's!
This is something I always struggled with and looking back I am so happy with the decisions I made...

Currently 30, expecting my first. DH is 8 years older and we have been together for 11 years. He was ready and eager for babies many years before me but respected that there were certain things I wanted to do before I committed myself to children. My 20's were amazing! Travelling, career, partying and limited responsibilities. At one stage I also got freaked out and felt like I "had" to do it as DH wanted it so bad and because of other people's comments. But we decided TOGETHER to hold out.
Then suddenly - I became broody too!!! The best is that DH and I BOTH feel like we did the best thing to wait, not only do we have countless memories but our relationship is so solid as we have had time together, just the two of us. Now when friends are travelling, opportunities are coming up at work etc, I don't feel one bit of regret - I happily sit on my couch with my bump .

I thank my own Mum for teaching me this lesson - she was 35 when she had me (which was "ancient" in the 80's). She never felt like she missed out either....

well done for standing strong for what you want!

YABU to assume people don't have a life after they have children. We have a fantastic social life, probably even better since having children.

However, YANBU to do what you want to do before having children and your relatives should piss off.

Debbie, why do you think the OP should do something 'more exciting than going out drinking/take job roles that involve flying to Switzerland at 24 hours' notice/take up rock climbing/' Why are people feeling it necessary to pass judgement on how she chooses to live her life?

I read a lot on MN about people feeling that their actions as parents are judged by others, but there's plenty of judging going on on here too.

I find it interesting that so many posters have homed in on the OP's one passing reference to drinking and are replying as though she does nothing but go out getting leathered (which, by the way, is/would be fin; I just suspect from her posts that there are things in her life other than going out drinking).

I still go out and party. I also do gigs and festivals etc. childcare is a pita though.

I think it is possible and important to keep your own interests going once you have kids ...however frivolous they might be. I am glad I don't go out every night of the week like I did at uni but every so often a night out helps blow the cobwebs away. Each to their own. Enjoy your life op.

LOL @ all of you pretending that going out is the same when you have children

Even assuming you can get babysitter whenever you like and don't mind paying through the nose for it, dancing until 4 AM just isn't the same when you know you will have to get up with the baby at 7 AM, regardless of whether it's a week day or the weekend.

It is the same for us, as partying till 4am has never been of interest. Our social life really hasn't changed.

There is no timetable on this - the maternal urge hits you when it hits you. (And if it never hits you, there's nothing wrong with that - unless of course, your husband or partner has a different opinion.)

When I was 26, I was career-minded and enjoying a pretty well-off married life with no immediate thoughts of motherhood. I turned 27 and the desire/need for a baby hit me out of left field. Didn't see it coming but it shaped my choices thereafter.

Franky's OP makes it clear that the baby urge hasn't hit her - so it's clearly not right for her to have a baby now. This might be a problem if her husband is angsting for a family now but that's between him and her - otherwise it's no-one's business but their own.

Only you can decide the purpose and meaning in your life - and by extension what is meaningful and purposeful. Being social and fun and traveling career focused is just as valid in the grand scheme of things.

Personally, I've found socializing and hobbies out of my home (with the kids sleeping upstairs) has been far more enjoyable than the years trying to find fun elsewhere. But then I have early menopause running strong in my family so settling early was a higher priority for me and I'm a natural homebody.

DH is a bit older than me (6yrs) and was much keener on having kids earlier than I was, partly because of his 'advanced age' but he is also just plain broody, loves kids and is very good with them (including in actual proper looking after sense, not just having fun, as he's proven on several occasions).

Quite early on in our relationship, we had a few chats about when we each wanted to have children so each knew what the other was thinking, and then after we got engaged, we actually agreed a date for starting ttc along with other important dates like our wedding date, plan to move house by xx date etc. We then started ttc around that date, which was about 20 months after the original conversation, which probably felt like ages to DH but felt like no time at all to me. I got pregnant straight away, but then MC at 11 weeks. Not pregnant again yet, but DH visibly relaxed about the whole thing once we had started ttc as I think he worried that I would change my mind and want to delay it. I am still 'not ready' for kids in many ways but because we'd agreed these dates years in advance, it wasn't a snap decision, it was a fair compromise and there was no pressure, it was practical re age/fertility, and I knew it was coming so could start to get my head around the concept of having kids, and we had time to fit in a few big holidays, nights out etc. It worked for us. Might help you stop worrying, even if you just agree that you won't revisit the whole topic til either Jan 2015 (just for example) or you choose to, whichever comes first? Then he knows where you both stand and you can relax while he knows that it's not a no and that you will come back to it at or before a set date.

As far as anyone else goes, I found this agreement really useful as we could just deflect everyone with a 'we've decided not to even try til next year and who knows how long it will take'. If they then keep pushing, STFU/MYOFB works...

You are doing it just right imo. I has ds at 19 which was far too young, I missed out on my carefree twenties. I will be late thirties, early forties before I can do what you are doing now. Enjoy it while it lasts

I made the mistake of getting married and having a child too young and then seeing that marriage go wrong.

I have now remarried and just as my first child is technically am adult allowing me this freedom everyone talks about, I have another toddler with another 18 years of responsibility to come....

Somewhere along my life path I have messed up!!!!

You are lucky to be married because you have a ready-made companion to go clubbing / travelling with - I wish I did.

Enjoy the rest of your 20s and save your 30s for ttc if that's what you want.

22honey

Do you actually know any older childless women?

You're completely wrong about why many childless women late 30s / early 40s are in this situation.

My friends, colleagues and I who are that age (I'm 37) and childless are childless because we have had bad luck in our relationships with men, or haven't met a decent man to marry, or had relationships that ended before we could ttc - all kinds of real reasons.
We really want children and have wanted marriage and children since our teens / 20s but it hasn't worked out.

Er....40 and childless, totally my choice. Children are ok, as long as they are someone else's and out of earshot! Do what you want OP, what you truly want and be proud of yourself for that.

Thanks for all the stories it has definitely helped hearing how so many of you also choose to wait a little bit longer. As someone said, you start feeling like everyone around you is having babies and putting on the pressure when it none of their business...

And no, I don't get drunk every night! I am a teacher and could not handle a hangover with a class full of kids

It's other things like, sleeping, eating a meal with my husband in peace, going for a drink (coke!) after work, going away for the weekend whenever we like, holidays etc...

I was wrong to say you don't have a life, just a very different life with less freedom. you have to think about someone else constantly, you come second every time (and should do).

I just hope that one day I will decide that it is what I want as I would love to have kids one day, never thought I'd get to a respectable age with a husband and a house and not actually want them yet...

I'm off for a St Patricks Day drink (only one!) I'll have one for all of you hard working mums

I started ttc after I realised I was bored with work, going out, work, going out and was at the point when I realised it was getting rather empty. I was 32.
And I was worried about putting someone else first all the time, but when I got my baby it was just something that happened naturally.
You do get a life back and everything, but yes it also does all change.
But yanbu for waiting until you're ready. That's sensible.

Latara, I did actually say in the post I am lucky to have a DP on the same page with regards to kids and that many women do not have this.

You may have missed it. Obviously there are many different reasons for women delaying children.

ooooh squoosh, no need for ageism. It IS rather suspect when someone states themselves they had a great relationship etc yet still didn't bother ttc until they were well into their 30s purely because they were too busy taking part in fun but selfish pursuits like travelling and partying. Yet so many people will say they didn't infact put children off for a 'career and travel' when defending their life decisions- this is often true but if you were too busy having fun and travelling and working to put any effort into finding a half decent partner and that is why you are still childless then yes you must take some responsibility for that..Anyone who truly prioritizes family and children puts finding a suitable partner as their MAIN priority in life first and foremost.

Too many people are in arrested development throughout their young adult lives these days, for example when people say they 'wouldnt be ready' for the responsibilities of children before they are around 32. I'm sorry but something is wrong if a human being remains too immature to do something so natural until such a late age. The extended childhood that is many young adults lives these days really doesn't do anyone any favours. Its the reason so many men do not want children until they are about 50, causing the anguish many modern women face today.

In my social circle children are had young, everyone I know starts around mid 20s, some had them in their teens. Theres nothing wrong with that, just as nothing wrong with waiting. The only difference is, you can start a career and travel at any age, you only have so long to have children. I want a large family so I am starting now. Allowing for age gaps, pregnancy and ttc time, you have to be realistic. There seems to be elements of bitterness and jealousy when such things are pointed out by younger women. My age has nothing to do with my knowledge and clearly I know a lot more about fertility than some women nearly twice my age do.