To want a life before I have kids?

[frankyboop]

So, I'm 27, married.

DB and SIL are expecting their second baby, 1st is only just 1. I am happy for them, it's great (they are younger than me)

I earn more money than them and go out most weekends with my friends, drink, have fun etc. All I get from them is how much I go out and talking down to me like I'm doing something wrong. They have made their life choices, so have I. It doesn't help that DH would love me to settle down with a baby and they know this

AIBU or selfish?

22honey you sound positively boring and brainwashed into thinking finding a suitor is the be all and end all. We don't live in a Jane Austen novel. I'm not much older than you and find your way of thinking very Not because you're not entitled to it, but because you seem to be judging everyone who doesn't agree.

How is it selfish to want to enjoy your 20's? we have one life, why not live it? What's the harm in waiting ten years? It's not 'immature' to want to wait until having children. In fact in a lot of cases it is the mature thing to do. Getting your career, building a good life, finding a person you want to spend the rest of your life with instead of plumping for someone because SHOCK I'M IN MY 20'S I NEED TO BE FERTILISED

My age has nothing to do with my knowledge and clearly I know a lot more about fertility than some women nearly twice my age do

You obviously don't otherwise you'd be aware you don't suddenly become barren when you hit 30. You're going on about immaturity when it's quite clear you lack maturity yourself.

Nursey I never said its selfish to want to enjoy your 20s, I said its not unreasonable to want a life before kids in my first post. I personally cannot understand the mindset of someone who is still putting partying etc above having a family and settling down at nearly 30 years of age, it appears as arrested development to me for someone of this age to be unable to handle the responsibilities of a parent. It doesn't make biological sense to me, I wasn't ready for the responsibility at 18 but at nearly 23 I most definately am. I accept everyone is different though and its most important to do what makes one happy.

I am well aware someone isnt barren at 30. Women have had fertility tests done that has shown them they have low ovarian reserve and are close to menopause at such an age, this isn't rare and my only recommendation if someone wants to leave it till way past the most fertile years is to get fertility testing to make sure that isn't the case for them, it could possibly save a lot of heartache later on.

I couldn't care less what other people do, plenty of people make ridiculous judgey posts about women who have children when nature intended them to do so, but that is seen as ok as the socially acceptable time to have them now is when you are past your most fertile.

My point about immaturity was about a large part of the modern young adult population in general not just women considering kids. Many people remain in arrested development/teen years until they are way past young adulthood, particularly men. You see it all the time, man-children who are unable to commit or take on any responsibilities until they are 40+. It would be silly to deny this isn't because they've been used to a childlike/responsibility-less existence for so long they now do not see the benefit in changing anything. There are benefits and downsides to this mindset/way of living in my opinion subject to the individual person.

Wow, are you sure you’re even 22? You’re ranting like a teenager who Knows It All.

You sound awfully bitter about women in their thirties who have chosen not to produce children in their teens or early twenties. I wonder why that might be. And you honestly think that because someone is childless that makes them 'childlike and responsibility-less'? Honestly? I'm embarrassed at your ignorance.

Maybe when you gain more life experience you’ll realise that it’s never wise to make sweeping generalisations. It makes one appear very silly.

Please don't talk to me about life experience because I have had a lot of very real life experiences. I could have chosen to wait myself. I was on BC until I was 21. Its an individual choice and I have not slated waiting to have children so no idea where you pulled that from! Very touchy, incredibly rude, judgemental and bitchy to insinuate I am bitter because I have children earlier. As I said, in my family and social circle children are had in the 20s (yes, even the ones with jobs/careers), its the norm here, and I am very happy and feel extremely lucky to be blessed to have a baby at this age myself. It was an active decision after seeing how well its worked out for many.

Its rather childish and immature how so many posters here twist the words on other posters to fit their own agenda. I never said once that being childless makes someone childlike and responsibility-less. I said such an existence can make some people, particularly men see little benefit in changing it. Its up to them if they don't want children, but you see lots of women complaining men in their 30s dont want to settle down and have children. The infantilisation of young adults has caused this. Men and many women arnt ready for kids in their 30s but for many women this is when they need to start having kids.

It makes one appear silly and ignorant when they constantly use someone's age to attack their substance and integrity. Especially when you talk about life experience, many children have had more real life experience than some 30 year olds who have lived ivory tower coveted existences.

Early motherhood is your chooce, good for you, hope it all goes well. Now work on being less judgemental towards women who have chosen a different path.

Plenty of people manage to establish a career, home and partner they would like to spend the rest of their lives with by the time they are in their mid, or even early 20s. Some people benefited greatly from their parents and have travelled and partied until they are bored for the time being by this age also. It doesn't necessarily need to take until you are in your late 30s so no idea why so many people use this as an example of why its so much better to wait.

Night!

I wonder if you'll look back on this when you're old and feel differently.

If it came across judgemental, that was not intended. I said numerous times its an individual choice and waiting is better for some women, I merely recommended getting clued up on your fertility and ovarian reserve if you want to wait. Its something many women would recommend!

You honestly think women in their thirties are clueless as to their diminishing fertility? Give me a break.

I couldn't afford to have children at 22 even if I had found the 'mate' that I wanted to spend my life with by that point, and if my maternal yearning had kicked in.

I wasn't aware that it was all so simple - you just need to want it to happen for all the pieces to drop into place. Silly me!

I'm 30 and about to have mine and DH's first baby.

Of my circle of friends and family I'm pretty much the last one of us to have a child and I certainly don't think I'd have wanted to do it sooner.

When my sisters and friends were having children at earlier ages (from about 23 upwards) I used to look at their life and think, "Why have they done this?" - I could never understand why at such a young age they were choosing to give up their freedom, their money, their youth...it seemed like madness to me. Once the children came along their lives changed dramatically, they went from being their own person having their own lives to suddenly just being a 'mom' and in my eyes that change was not one for the better - though obviously they'd disagree

Even now I'm feeling a bit sad about the fact me and DH have lost a little bit of our freedom. We are both over the moon about the baby coming (he was planned) but it makes me feel a little bit low at times to think we'll never have luxurious holidays again, we'll never be able to spend the day in bed just watching films again, it will never just be the two of us doing what we want, when we want etc and I think it's ok to feel sad about that.

Enjoy yourself and enjoy your life - you've plenty of time for babies!!