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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a life before I have kids?

136 replies

frankyboop · 16/03/2014 20:50

So, I'm 27, married.

DB and SIL are expecting their second baby, 1st is only just 1. I am happy for them, it's great (they are younger than me)

I earn more money than them and go out most weekends with my friends, drink, have fun etc. All I get from them is how much I go out and talking down to me like I'm doing something wrong. They have made their life choices, so have I. It doesn't help that DH would love me to settle down with a baby and they know this

AIBU or selfish?

OP posts:

MissPricklePants · 16/03/2014 22:02

Op I'm a little older than you (28) and have an almost 5 year old. Best choice I made was to have her! I look at my friends who still live like teens going out and partying and I'm so glad it's not my life. If you are not ready that's fine. Yabu to say you want a life before having kids, you still have a life when you have them. I'm the happiest I've been at this point of my life!

Beaverfeaver · 16/03/2014 22:03

I am 28 and married two years ago.

I am coming around to the idea of having children but it still scares the living daylight out of me.

I am also scared of not being able to have children so for me the decision to TTC is a mixture of wanting children one day but not exactly right this minute.

There is always going to be the 9 months to get used to the idea I guess, but we are active people (not in the clubbing or partying sense, but we like our holidays, we like are dinners out and we like a nice bottle of wine.

TheBody · 16/03/2014 22:05

well your choice of course but find it strange that you are out with your friends every weekend when you are married!

it's up to you when/if you want kids but bear in mind that you do still have a life post children.

Capitola · 16/03/2014 22:08

Although we did our backpacking/gap year stuff before children, we have travelled all over the world with them, from tiny babies upwards.

It's not hard, just different and of course, significantly more expensive the bigger they get.

chattychattyboomba · 16/03/2014 22:18

You are in your 20's, there's no rush, but YABU to say that you want a 'life' (and by life you mean drinking, shopping, career etc). For me I found my life only truly began when my DD was born. And my life was very fulfilling beforehand (or so I thought). We travelled loads, ate at expensive restraints, spent all our money on frivolous things, stayed out late because we could, slept all weekend because we could. I do have nostalgic moments- like this weekend we are in Paris, have been here many times with DH both pre children and post children. Remembering sitting in the sun soaking up the rays, sipping wine from midday and talking through life's mysteries. These days its not possible to relive such moments (especially 30 weeks pregnant with a toddler in tow) but would I exchange my life now for back then? NO WAY! never ever ever. I get so much joy. It's another level which you only discover after having a child. Sorry this is long but feeling philosophical. When people ask 'how do you know you are ready for children?' I'm pretty sure the answer is- you don't! Know one is 100% ready in my opinion because you just don't know how you'll be until it happens. You just take it as it comes and enjoy the ride. But then again you are posting on mumsnet, you're going to get a bunch of mums answering you

22honey · 16/03/2014 22:19

There nothing unreasonable about wanting a life before kids. When it gets unreasonable is when people leave it too late because they are too busy having fun (having their cake and eating it) throughout their most fertile years then complain when they can't conceive straight away/at all/for years and years leaving them with the likelihood of a one child family. You are already past your most fertile years, by the way.

Some people adapt the mindset they can plan their fertility like they've planned their whole life, they then face immense heartbreak if this doesnt go to plan. If you want a large family, I'd start within the next 2 years atleast if I was you. People putting children off till way past their most fertile years should also make use of some fertility testing, some women have found they are entering the menopause at 29 years old this way.

I feel lucky I was well sick of partying with friends at weekends and did lots of it from age 15 when I was about 20/21. I always wanted kids early (Im having my first and I'm 22) because its the best time biologically and being a young mum appeals to me. I did not want kids any earlier than this as I was too busy having fun. I'm lucky to have already travelled a lot in my life and nothing stops holidays with kids! Or travelling when they are grown up! I'm also lucky in that I have a DP on the same page with regards to kids, this isnt the case for a lot of women.

I find it odd some women spend their whole lives putting everything above having a family, as if having children is some sort of last resort when your bored of all the other fun stuff then appear heartbroken when they suddenly can't tick that last box. Surely if having a family has always been so unimportant to you in comparison to the other areas of your life, your not very maternal and could probably cope without children? For me, I always knew I wanted kids even when I knew I didn't want them NOW and thats why I have prioritized them. Nothings stopping young mums attaining a life and career later on, my DM did and it worked out great for her.

At the end of the day, do what makes you happy but be reminded your fertility is dropping as the years go by.

chattychattyboomba · 16/03/2014 22:23

Oh by the way, we went to Spain when DD was 6 weeks old, Paris when she was 3 months, Australia at 6 months, Greece at 12 months, Paris again 16 months, Morzine at 18 months, Australia again at 22 months, Italy at 2, Bali and Australia again at 2.5, back in Paris again at 2.11months. Children do not have to stop you from travelling.

KateSpade · 16/03/2014 22:24

Please Please make the most of being 'free' (so to speak) before you have children,
i had my DD at 22 and whilst it didn't stop me with Uni related things. I just wish so much i could just up and move at the drop of a hat/go traveling/sleep in, ect. I am now 25 with a 2.5 DD and i do not have a life what so ever.

I honestly sometimes wonder if i have wasted my life in some ways.

Supercosy · 16/03/2014 22:26

I am very glad I got to travel, party, study and start my career before I had Dd. I really would not have been ready before about the age of 30 and in the end I had her when I was 32. By the time she was born I didn't feel at all fed up at staying in for a while. Obviously, as she grew up a bit I got to go out and about more and I will when she is independent too.

Everyone is different but that felt right for me and luckily for me it worked out. Yanbu at all. I hate the attitude towards people who don't have children that they are "selfish"! It's such a strange thing to say!

nooka · 16/03/2014 22:27

If you've only been married six months then I'd suggest that spending at least a few years just the two of you together is a really good idea (of course you may have lived together for a decade for all I know!) before you start thinking about having a family.

The 'having a life thing' is a bit silly really, being a parent is just a part of life, not some separate 'other' thing. Having small children is stressful, tiring and certainly very different than being childfree and footloose, but life doesn't stop.

We had our children at 28 and 29, mainly because dh was feeling a bit broody. I'd not relive the following few years (we're not really baby people) but we are in a really good place now. None of our contemporaries settled down for a good few years after us and many have only just had babies (late 30s early 40s). I remember way back they were a bit wtf about us settling down but now I'm very glad that we're not in their shoes, as our children are teenagers and almost independent. But the important thing is that they are happy with their choices and we were happy with ours.

Perhaps sitting down with your dh and talking about what you'd like to do in the next few years would help with the pressure?

OlympiaFox · 16/03/2014 22:29

To be happy as a parent you have to be emotionally ready to have a child. Party, travel and do whatever you want to do until you're ready to take that step because once you do there's no going back.

22honey · 16/03/2014 22:34

Katespade thats why I had a dog and cats for several years before I decided to have a baby, gave me and DP a taste of responsibility. We can't just get up and leave/move with them being here, they take time, attention and money so we are already used to being 'tied down' (and I quite like it!). Kids are an even bigger responsibility so its no wonder some people struggle when they go straight from no responsibility whatsoever=babies. Obviously such a situation cannot be helped, not everyone likes/wants/can have pets.

zeezeek · 16/03/2014 22:38

Do what is best for you. Whatever choices you make with your life someone is always going to disagree with them - that's life and that's humans. If we were all the same, then the world would be a very boring place.

Having children is an amazing experience, but it is also tediously, deadly dull and boring. Some of us just aren't natural parents and, when you are a woman, some other women will find that a difficult concept to understand. Some men too. But, you know what, you can ignore them, respect their choices and make your own.

Supercosy · 16/03/2014 22:40

Fwiw having had both (puppies AND children) I would say there are alot of similarities between the two and I did find having puppies a good preparation for having a baby.....to an extent!

BrianTheMole · 16/03/2014 22:43

I don't think theres any comparison between having pets and having children. At least with a dog you can leave then for a few hours, get family to look after them, use a boarding kennels etc. Not so simple with children by a long way. It takes ages to even get out the door with children. Gone are the days you can just grab your keys and run.

elQuintoConyo · 16/03/2014 22:45

Met DH at 23, got married at 35, had DS at 36 - any earlier just felt rushed to me. My wonderful DGM kept asking when I was getting married and I'd say things like, 'it's only been 8 years, I have to be sure!' Oh, she did laugh.

Do things at your own pace, when.you're both happy.

thinking101 · 16/03/2014 22:46

oh gawd....drink shop poo and be merry.

Practically maybe start at 30 ou shoudl be good, but there are nor guarantees

stopprocrastinating · 16/03/2014 22:47

I started TTC at 29, and DH 34. We'd been together nine years before we got to the TTC bit.

thinking101 · 16/03/2014 22:47

I say 30 just in case...

22honey · 16/03/2014 22:49

Obviously its not as big a responsibility as children, but it does give you an idea of what its like to be 'tied' to something that relies on you and have to think of it when making plans. I'd say its probably easier (if you have willing family which a lot of people do) to get rid of your child for a few hours than your dog! Only person I know that will take the dog for a few days is my DM...can imagine lots of people wanting to look after my baby when it comes :/ :D

BrianTheMole · 16/03/2014 22:49

I was with dh 10 years before we ttc and had dc1. I love having all those years of fab memories to look back on. Of course I love the fishfinger years too.

thinking101 · 16/03/2014 22:50

Actually despite reassurances from poster about when it seemingly 'ok' to start and it is ok to wait...

You need to deal with what actually is the issue here is somene making you feel guilty for waiting fr not makingthe same choice as them.

Handling peer pressure...

squoosh · 16/03/2014 22:52

'When it gets unreasonable is when people leave it too late because they are too busy having fun (having their cake and eating it) throughout their most fertile years then complain when they can't conceive straight away/at all/for years and years leaving them with the likelihood of a one child family. You are already past your most fertile years, by the way.'

I love getting finger wagging lectures from 22 year olds. You sound like a Daily Mail article.

Lucylouby · 16/03/2014 22:53

I meet children through my job whose parents are too busy for them and don't have time to be with them. I find it quite sad, when the children are wanting some of their parents time and the parents will not give it. So I don't think yabu to do what you are doing while you are child free. Get it out of your system and then if and when you are ready for a complete lifestyle change, then have children.

I know that when you have children your life doesn't have to end, but it does have to change to accommodate your children in some ways. You would be selfish to have a child now when you are not ready to change your lifestyle. It is non of your sil business when you start a family, but you should probably talk seriously to your DH about it as it needs to be a joint decision.

KateSpade · 16/03/2014 22:53

22 Hindsight is a beautiful gift, i wish i possessed.

My 'sort my life out' list is so long i don't know where to begin. DD is here now and i although i love her to pieces, i just know this decision wasn't the best for me.

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