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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a life before I have kids?

136 replies

frankyboop · 16/03/2014 20:50

So, I'm 27, married.

DB and SIL are expecting their second baby, 1st is only just 1. I am happy for them, it's great (they are younger than me)

I earn more money than them and go out most weekends with my friends, drink, have fun etc. All I get from them is how much I go out and talking down to me like I'm doing something wrong. They have made their life choices, so have I. It doesn't help that DH would love me to settle down with a baby and they know this Hmm

AIBU or selfish?

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 16/03/2014 22:54

Depends on your circumstances honey. I could always find someone to leave the dog with. Children, not so much. (They're harder work, I have to bribe people to take them Grin. Dh and I went on an all day training course recently, (we work fron home normally). Neighbour popped in with a key and let the dog out to the toilet. You can't do that with a child. The difference between the two in terms of conmitment is huge, miles apart.

northstrandee · 16/03/2014 22:58

YANU - not a bit! This reminds me a bit of my SIL...younger than me, never did diddley-squat with her life (no education/career/travel) and rushed into marriage and kids so quickly, and then felt the need to make jealous, envious comments to my DP and I about our 'lifestyle' for years.

Now we are at the same stage though: I am on maternity leave with my baby and she has two little ones. We both are doing the exact same things...but I know that the life I had beforehand was fantastic and varied, which means I got it all out of my system and am so HAPPY to be a mum.

Take your time. You will KNOW when you want kiddies...

Ludways · 16/03/2014 23:06

I travelled, lived abroad, good career, partied, grabbed my keys and ran. Then I had my children at 34 and 38, I'm so pleased I waited, it suits me.

I still miss the general freedom but I don't regret my dcs and never will, I adore them, they truly are the best thing ever to happen to me! The fact I waited means I appreciate what I have more.

I can still travel, just it's more sedate now and stuck to school holidays, lol. I still have a career although it isn't so upwardly mobile as it was. I haven't grabbed my keys and ran in 13 years!!

OddBoots · 16/03/2014 23:08

We have so much more choice and control now than any women have had before us which is amazing but also a bit scary. That is why I think many women turn on each other about these decisions as having control means we have to think and question and thinking and questioning brings doubt and insecurity.

There are few right or wrongs though, we just do our best with what we have and how we find ourselves and if you want to wait then that is entirely your choice.

BrianTheMole · 16/03/2014 23:14

Thats right oddboots. But really it is down to the individual, what they want from life, and when they are ready, if ever, to have children. We is all different innit Grin. Life would be boring if we were all the same.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 16/03/2014 23:16

I'm married just over 20 years, was 24 yrs old. When we first got married we said we wanted to wait 3 years before starting a family.
Then we both has some fabulous work opportunities, including relocation to California for several years.

We put having babies on hold for about 8 years, and a brilliant time during that time.
I did find it difficult to get pregnant with Dd1, but it turns out I had some easily resolved medical issues.

We were married 11 years before dd1 was born! DD2 was a fabulous surprise, born just 22 months later.

Life is for living. I will be encouraging my DDs to live life before having children.

monicalewinski · 16/03/2014 23:38

Lol at getting wrist slapped by a 22 yr old!

I had my first at 27, up until 2 years before that (when I met my husband), I had zero interest in children. It just happened all of a sudden that I thought 'I'm ready', and I knew that I had done all the stuff I wanted to do with no responsibility to anyone other than myself.

At the time I thought I was quite old (at 27?!), but looking back I've realised I was one of the younger ones out of my peer group.

As several others have said, life is for living - it can be quite tedious when your kids are young, so you need to be emotionally and mentally ready for the lifestyle shift; enjoy your 20s and your new marriage, there's plenty of time left yet!

80sMum · 16/03/2014 23:53

YANBU. You must do what feels right for you. Whatever you do, don't have a baby because someone else thinks that you ought to.

You may decide never to be a parent. Nothing wrong with that at all.

CoteDAzur · 17/03/2014 06:40

squoosh Grin

Greenmug · 17/03/2014 06:50

It doesn't matter why the OP doesnt feel ready to have a baby. If it's because she wants to get pissed and lay in that's fine, it's up to her.

I had my first at 39 and my second at 39 which was the right time for us. Others will of course feel differently.

Greenmug · 17/03/2014 06:51

First at 37!

georgesdino · 17/03/2014 07:08

If thats what you want thats fair enough. We started at 23 as we want lots of chilrdren and I dont want to be older than early 30s for my last one. You dont sound like you are the type that will have many so it doesnt matter.
I would say puppies are worse than babies. My friend had one and it stopped her from working many hours, travelling on holiday, going out onour drinking nights etc. It was a running joke she always had to get back for the dog at least with children there is childcare and babysitters so you can carry on as normal.

YarnyStasher · 17/03/2014 07:17

Having children was more important to me than anything else, so once I'd met DH and got somewhere stable to live, I wanted to have children. I had DC1 at 25 and DC2 at 27. This works perfectly for me.

Your plan is equally valid! I'm surprised at the number of people on Mumsnet who ttc when they're not sure they want a child.

MrsBungle · 17/03/2014 07:18

Goodness, yanbu! I absolutely loved my care-free 20's. Travelling, parties, money in my pocket. I love life now too but it's a bloody different kettle of fish which, for me, is far more suited to my 30's!

TheBody · 17/03/2014 07:53

it's a very personal decision and no one is right or wrong as everyone is different.

for me and dh we left home at 18, no uni, but professional jobs and had our first dcs in our 20s. we had a great time. never been ones for back packing around the world pre kids as would hate that anyway but we had fun. we grew up together.

had dds in our 30s and now we are both just 50 we have the fun of 2 grown up lads, who by the way had gap year back packs, and uni and are now starting careers. girls are teens.

I would never encourage or discourage my kids from having kids early but I do point out to them that once here kids change your life for ever, not just until they are 18, but forever.

it's a big big step.

MissDuke · 17/03/2014 08:11

I find it bizarre op that anyone would say you are being selfish. Selfish would be having children you don't really want and continuing to party every week. My husband and I met as teens and got good jobs, a mortgage, married and had a child by 23. That's what we wanted and have no regrets. We now have three children and I am finally doing the uni thing at 33. None of our old friends have children and only one is married and they all seem equally content with life. Different people want different things. You may need to start considering what your hubby wants too though and make plans for the future that you are both happy with.

thinking101 · 17/03/2014 08:16

You cant be selfish if there is only you, in order to be selfish you need someone to be selfish against? if that makes any sense, I never understand it when people say this about people not having kids.

to add, someone once told me there is never s good time to have kids, they come along when they do.

Justnapping · 17/03/2014 08:33

Having children is amazing but also very hard work! Definitely wait till you feel ready. Otherwise you may end up resenting DH, especially as typically your life changes more than his (pregnancy, mat leave etc). Having DS is the best thing I have ever done but I'm glad I waited till I was ready (age 29) and was married for a few years first.

bragmatic · 17/03/2014 08:37

There are some major design flaws in the female body, that's for sure. The ideal fertility window should start and end much later. Say 20 to 40 instead of 12 - 35 or whatever it is.

bragmatic · 17/03/2014 08:40

..then of course there's the pelvic floor. don't get me started.

Birdsgottafly · 17/03/2014 09:07

I had my first DD as a teen, it was the right decision for me, I had always known that having children was important to me.

I then had problems and it took ten years to have my second. So, whilst my DH and I had a good life together, there was a bit missing, for me.

I had my second and third in my late 20's/30's.

I then re qualified and have the career that I came to want, I am so pleased that I didn't do my BA in my first choices, it would of been a waste.

I have had the life that I want and will always continue to do so, except for being Widowed young.

My eldest DD is your age and her DP is pushing to start ttc.

She doesn't have the "Maternal Urge/Drive" and she likes her lifestyle of Festivals, Weekends away, Beauty Treatments, being able to leave the cleaning/dishes etc, which would change.

She would have baby sitting on tap, I do the same for my Niece. But it having a child does put a dent in income, freedom etc.

You have to somewhat enjoy what children bring to the mix.

If you haven't got the craving for a baby, then don't have one. Just be honest with your DH.

Tell your SIL straight, no-one should talk down to you.

I was on the other side, I've had to tell my career wanting Sis to cut the remarks out, I wouldn't of had her life if it had come gold plated.

Weliveinabeautifulworld · 17/03/2014 09:09

YANBU!!! Your DB and SIL should shut their mouths!!! You should only have children when you are ready!

akachan · 17/03/2014 09:56

It's so personal isn't it - I can't believe people feel able to nag you about it!

I met DH when I was 19, married at 29 and now pregnant at 34. We like to take things easy I guess! I have never been a clubbing type but I have had 15 years of loving our live together. We've travelled, read a lot done a lot of education and so on. It's worked for us so far, I suppose I should update you in 10 years!

mrssnodge · 17/03/2014 10:05

I had my 3 kids really young, 18 21 and 25, but stil went out with my friends, DH & I took turns to go out, (and also went out together), we had good holidays and fun - Now at 46 they are all grown i have had a career too, and worked since youngest went to school, and now have good paying job, grown up kids, house, car etc, and two gorgeous grand babies- whichever way works for you- no right or wrong , but imho- easier to have kids young, body snaps back, high energy levels, etc!

Pregnantberry · 17/03/2014 10:12

YANBU and they sound jealous of your lifestyle.

But please don't imply that young parents don't have a life or are missing out on something major, because different people have different priorities.