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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a life before I have kids?

136 replies

frankyboop · 16/03/2014 20:50

So, I'm 27, married.

DB and SIL are expecting their second baby, 1st is only just 1. I am happy for them, it's great (they are younger than me)

I earn more money than them and go out most weekends with my friends, drink, have fun etc. All I get from them is how much I go out and talking down to me like I'm doing something wrong. They have made their life choices, so have I. It doesn't help that DH would love me to settle down with a baby and they know this Hmm

AIBU or selfish?

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 16/03/2014 21:08

YANBU. Your life is over when you have kids, at least for a good number of years. Postpone having kids as long as you like.

I had mine at 35 & 38, after living life to the fullest for over a decade. And still, it was hard to accept my new life of servitude to the little people.

Original poster
frankyboop · 16/03/2014 21:09

Only been married for 6 months. It seems before you get married, everyone asks you when you'll get wed, then when you do, everyone asks when you are having a baby! You can't win Hmm

OP posts:
sunshinesue · 16/03/2014 21:14

YANBU to want to live it up a bit before having kids. YABU to post on here about it, go out clubbing or something. There will be plenty of time of hanging around on mumsnet when you have kids and can't go out. Shame on you for wasting your freedom!

Original poster
frankyboop · 16/03/2014 21:16

I gave up on Facebook because of all the fools! Despite not having kids I love mumsnet, more entertaining than TV!

OP posts:
Capitola · 16/03/2014 21:16

If someone asked my advice, I would say don't have kids in your 20s.

You will never be that young and carefree again. Even if you have them young and they're grown when you're 40ish, it's not the same as being properly young and blissfully free and self centred. That bit of your life does end when you become a parent.

wobblyweebles · 16/03/2014 21:17

I often think wistfully of the life I had before children.

Another 10 years, and it will be mine again.

Xenadog · 16/03/2014 21:25

OP your life after children will not be over but the way you currently live will drastically change. If you feel your life will be over then I don't think now is the right time to have children.

At your age I would say why is there a rush anyway? Enjoy the lifestyle you have now and if/when you want children you won't feel you have missed out. Don't feel railroaded into doing something you don't want to as it will only lead to huge resentment.

BTW I speak as someone who never wanted children for the same reasons as yourself. I now have a 3 month old (at 40 years of age) and I am glad I had her when I did. I built a career, had wild times, loads of fun, bought my own house, did a bit of travelling and am ready to be more settled now. BTW I am not saying wait until you are my age to start a family!

Original poster
frankyboop · 16/03/2014 21:33

Thank you for all of the positive help Smile. I've struggled to find a thread on here where the husband wants a child before the wife, it seems it's usually the other way round...makes me feel abnormal Sad

OP posts:
Figster · 16/03/2014 21:36

Yanbu I had a care free existence with a well paying Job, holidays, fun car, drinking on weekends all through my 20's planning to have dc when 30 which I was lucky enough to do.

Saying that though at 33 and being totally besotted with my DS and hoping to convince dh to have another I wish wish wish id started earlier. Didnt want to be having kids at 35 or "older parents" but it's funny how life turns out

paragirl1981 · 16/03/2014 21:37

I didn't have my first dc until I was 32 I felt ready then and I'd done some exciting stuff by then.

Guitargirl · 16/03/2014 21:39

OP - you are 27. If you were 37 then I would be saying that it's time to make up your mind. But you are young enough for this not to be an immediate issue. Enjoy your life for what you have now. You may feel differently in a few years. Or not. But there is no need for hand-wringing yet.

dementedma · 16/03/2014 21:39

Well you sure as hell won't have one afterwards.
At least, not one that involves any freedom.

Trills · 16/03/2014 21:42

You don't have to have kids AT ALL if you don't fancy it.

It's not compulsory.

You don't even need a good excuse.

You could just prefer not to.

MyNameIsWinkly · 16/03/2014 21:42

Your DB and DSIL ABU for yapping on at you. My BIL and SIL liked to criticise DH and I for our holidays, meals out etc, and made digs about how long we slept (shift workers!!) They didn't stop to think that we could have been TTCing long term - which we actually were. Now I'm pregnant they can't stop going on about how tired we'll be, how our life is over - we can't bloody win. People need to STFU about other peoples' choices.

Amy106 · 16/03/2014 21:44

YANBU. You need to do what's right for you.

Steben · 16/03/2014 21:45

Yanbu live as much and as wildly as you poss can before DC because you WILL NEVER HAVE THAT TIME BACK. EVER. It's amazing but it doesn't mean I don't mourn my carefree life sometimes

caramelwaffle · 16/03/2014 21:45

Yanbu.

Steben · 16/03/2014 21:47

Oh and I know lots of people in RL where re husbands,pushed first and the wives held off (prob cos they knew it would be them making all sac fries ad realistically doing lions share of work)

Quinteszilla · 16/03/2014 21:48

Yanbu - I reckon you understood my post below was tongue in cheek.

But seriously, enjoy your new husband, enjoy life and eachother. One day you may want children, and then you do that. But until that day comes, live in the now.

But, to be perfectly honest, the only thing I miss from my child-free days, is not evenings out, but the holidays.

We traveled in the Middle east and explored Jordan, went camping off the beaten track in Egypt, hired a car in Morocco and drove through the Atlas mountains, etc.

We did three months in India when our oldest was 18 months, and never again! Too big risk.

BrianTheMole · 16/03/2014 21:51

God no. I did all my stuff before dc. Travelled round the world, partied a lot, got my career established. I had children when I was ready for them, had a house, could afford them, it suited me best. Do what suits you best.

Hardtothinkofanewname · 16/03/2014 21:52

It's totally your decision (with your DH of course)

I like the fact we had our kids in our late 20s, early 30s. Now they're teens we can ski, play tennis, go out for meals together. My friends who delayed will have teenagers when they're early/mid 50s. I'm not sure I could cope with teenagers then!

Life does change, but it also has more meaning.

Original poster
frankyboop · 16/03/2014 21:53

Quinte- yes, I laughed Smile

Know what you mean, holidays abroad (or anywhere) must be incredibly different with kids.

How do I cope with DH's longing for children? I know I'd feel terrible if it was the other way round and the decision was not mine

OP posts:
Minifingers · 16/03/2014 21:55

YABU

I'd have total sympathy if you put off having children to do something interesting, creative or politically or socially important.

But to fetishise shopping, acquiring possessions, getting pissed and clubbing as somehow worthy of squandering a decade of your precious life on.....

Original poster
frankyboop · 16/03/2014 21:57

Mini- I also have a very good career, and hate shopping Wink

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 16/03/2014 22:00

Oh please. As if wiping baby poo and pushing a pram are likely to win the OP a Nobel Prize.

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