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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to beg women with lazy sexist arsehole DHs not to have more DCs with them

311 replies

BeeInYourBonnet · 11/02/2014 06:54

Apologies as I'm sure this must have been done before, but some of the threads recently have been SO depressing. I've been on MN 8 years, and it never ceases to amaze me what total fucking arseholes some women are married to. These manchilds are pathetic.

I want to cry when I read that some poor woman is pg with no 3, 4 or 5, and admits that her DH has never helped with a single night wake-up, has hardly changed a nappy, provides no support emotionally or practically, is financially abusive, the list goes on....

I know its more complicated than this, but I just want to scream 'stop having DCs with these complete bastards' 'stop showing them that's its OK to check out of family life'

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeInYourBonnet · 11/02/2014 06:56

Disclaimer: my DH is not perfect, but DD would have been an only child if I'd seen him exhibiting even some of the behaviour that I regularly read about on MN.

OP posts:
MojitoMadness · 11/02/2014 06:57

YANBU.

CheerfulYank · 11/02/2014 07:05

I once jokingly "started a movement" that was called Stop Doin' It With Worthless Assholes. I said I'd print a brochure outlining some hints that you may, in fact, be dealing with a Worthless Asshole. Number One was having children he neither sees nor supports.

All joking aside, it can be incredibly frustrating. I get a lot of "you're so lucky" because DH does things a responsible man/father just does. No I'm not "lucky"...I just had a dad whose only advice to me on men was "you just don't take any shit, ya hear?" I heard all right.

OTOH I also have a friend who thinks DH is "dull" because he's not all tattooed and rock and roll and partying all the time... Like each of her two daughters' sperm donors, both of whom left her high and dry. Give me a "boring", steady, nice man over a wild immature little shit any day!

But, as frustrating as it is, people are adults and make their own choices.

Morgause · 11/02/2014 07:16

YANBU

If DH had been like some men described on here I doubt we'd have had one child. Well, actually I wouldn't have married him and had his children if he was a lazy arse. One reason I chose him was I knew he would be a good father, And he is.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 11/02/2014 07:17

yanbu - cheerful yank I kinda love you (namechanger here ;-))

Logg1e · 11/02/2014 07:18

YABU because your campaign should be, "Don't be a lazy sexist arsehole DH and if you can't, stop having children".

ithaka · 11/02/2014 07:22

YA sooo NBU. It is really frustrating. The number of posts on Mumsnet about 'I want to leave my arsehole partner/DH but I have 3/4/5/6 children with him, what can I doooo?'

I always wonder when he started being so dreadful, if they have so many kids together, but it inevitably transpires he was vile from day 1 - so why keep having his babies? How is that helping & how it is fair on the children?

I realise I am going to get flamed as it is way more complicated/women are victims etc. But it just seems so useless and passive, to keep having children with a man that treats you and them like shit and to seem to take no ownership for that decision. Contraception exists and it is your friend.

somedizzywhore1804 · 11/02/2014 07:27

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got about people was "if someone's telling you what they are, listen to them" and I think that applies here. I have so many friends and people I know of who have had kids with men who were arseholes from the outset and never hid it!

My DH is far from perfect but he's reliable and hardworking and knows if he didn't pull his weight I'd make his life miserable.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/02/2014 07:28

I always think that when I read these threads and wonder why a woman in such circumstances would have another baby. Then I remind myself that I am able to look at situation objectively and make decisions which are in my best interests because I am not in an abusive relationship being ground down daily by a horrible man. So it's easy for me to say 'don't have kids with him!'

The fact that they recognise something is wrong with their situation and therefore seek advice and support on MN is a good thing and hopefully enables women in these circumstances to see that their husbands are not normal and then to take the next necessary steps.

I don't think it's as simple as just saying 'don't have his children' when the power in the relationship is so unbalanced.

CheerfulYank · 11/02/2014 07:54

I agree Jelly. :)

Hint Ewan?!

CoffeeTea103 · 11/02/2014 07:59

I could not agree more. It totally amazes me, that women knowingly have children and continue to have more when married to these types of men. Also there's so much sympathy you can have towards a woman, surely she needs to take some responsibility for her own life instead of just being the victim. Also so many women on some of these threads have the children, continue to stay at home no intention of looking for a job or anything to get yourself out of the situation, but has another child and then digs herself deeper in the problem.

Original poster
BeeInYourBonnet · 11/02/2014 08:00

You are absolutely right of course Jelly. I know its not simple, but I really wish it was Sad

OP posts:
Felyne · 11/02/2014 08:02

Jellyandcake I agree. It's easy to judge a situation you aren't in, but OP I do see your point too as I am lucky enough to not be married to a complete cockwomble.
It seems some men use children as a means to 'keep' women where they want them, knowing she feels powerless to leave so they are free to behave as they wish knowing that the mother of their child will still be there bringing up their kids for them. As the child grows up a bit, then lay on a bit of charm, promise to change and talk her into having another baby. There you go, she's stuck for a few more years. Don't forget to keep niggling away at her self esteem so she knows she won't be able to make it on her own.

NMFP · 11/02/2014 08:06

Wanting children (or another child) is totally different from wanting your partner to do more. In the long run, I'd rather have the children than no children and an easy life.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 11/02/2014 08:08

I was once crucified on here for saying I'd lost sympathy for a friend married to an arsewipe. I was told I was a terrible, judgemental 'friend'. I'm actually a very good friend, a caring friend who is/was extremely frustrated with a close friend's choice. I dared to say I blame her as well as him - she has to take some responsibility or what does that say for women's lives and decisions?! The man in question is not what I would consider abusive by the way.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 11/02/2014 08:11

Yanbu.

It's the kids that suffer at the end of the day, the women are as selfish as the men imo.

Logg1e · 11/02/2014 08:12

NMFP, In the long run, I'd rather have the children than no children and an easy life.

But that's not the available choice. I have children and a life that isn't filled with hate, violence or intimidation.

melika · 11/02/2014 08:18

OP you are so right. My SIL once said after she had got loads of verbal abuse which was supposed to be humour from her 'D'H in front of a party I once held, 'Oh well at least I have 4 kids from it'!

I felt so sorry for her.

Fairenuff · 11/02/2014 08:19

I thought this was going to more about the terrible role model these relationships are for children growing up in them.

Honeysweet · 11/02/2014 08:24

It is possible that they are having more children, for themselves. For someone to have to love them.

Sparklysilversequins · 11/02/2014 08:31

Your post is ignorant crap apocalypse.

KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne · 11/02/2014 08:32

I agree OP. I read some threads on here and feel so relieved, because once upon a time, I was that woman. Thankfully I got out before I ended up even more trapped. Now I have my lovely DH who couldn't be more different from these twats.

Even though it was years ago, I still get a prickly feeling on the back of my neck when I read some threads. Like when you have a nightmare, and when you wake up, it takes you a while to realise it was only a dream, and you are weak with relief. My particular nightmare lasted six years and life is so much better since I ended it- I simultaneously want to shake the women in these relationships, or give them a hug. Rather the way I feel about my younger self.

dreamingbohemian · 11/02/2014 08:36

YANBU

I don't get it at all. There are a couple threads on at the moment that are just breathtaking.

Ultimately I do think society is to blame -- women collectively are ground down quite a bit by the time they get to the age where they're selecting partners.

But within that, I agree, I don't know why women have multiple children with complete twats who have shown they don't want a family life at all.

CheesyBadger · 11/02/2014 08:38

My dsis is on number 4 and partners have been arseholes or abusive. She has the children I think for herself, to keep her sane, to love her unconditionally. Sounds messed up but her confidence has been rock bottom when she has conceived each time

theincrediblealfonso · 11/02/2014 08:44

It's really sad that it has to spelled out to some women that the kind of thing you're talking about is NOT OKAY. The way we're socialised to put up with shit is terrible.