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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my new DH?

413 replies

Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 08:30

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
HappyMamaBear · 23/01/2014 08:31

I think he is bu and childish

kilmuir · 23/01/2014 08:32

Blimey, surprised this was not sorted/discussed before the wedding. He is being unreasonable.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 23/01/2014 08:33

He sounds a right charmer Sad

pointythings · 23/01/2014 08:33

Nope. Your household costs are shared, but should be shared pro rata. He has chosen to marry you and that means you and your DC are his family now - paying only for 'his' electricity use reveals him as a petty, selfish, mean-spirited man who is likely to abuse you financially if he is not donig so already.

If he's doing this now, he will only get worse so get rid. I am very sorry that he has turned out to have such feet of clay.

5madthings · 23/01/2014 08:34

he is being unreasonable.

but how did you not talk about finances etc before you got married?!!

WaitMonkey · 23/01/2014 08:34

No, but this should have been discussed before you married. What happened before the marriage, did you not like together ? He sounds a total arse, I couldn't live with him.

Facebaffle · 23/01/2014 08:35

Your dh ibu. He hasn't grasped the idea of a partnership.

If you go out for a meal together, who pays the bill?

Helpyourself · 23/01/2014 08:36

I think you should get a divorce already, yes.
Do not have a baby to fix this, btw, it won't.

Witchofthenorth · 23/01/2014 08:36

He is being absolutely unreasonable..Im very surprised this wasn't sorted before you got married TBH...he is being a selfish twat who has no actual clue.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 23/01/2014 08:37

Totally unreasonable. There's 3 of you and 1 of him? Wtf?

He has a family now, he didn't just marry you. The money should be shared between all of you.

He's moaning about paying for your kids? Was he not aware of them or something? He's a total idiot. You need to sort this out.

eddielizzard · 23/01/2014 08:37

omfg. here you make a stand. no fucking way can this continue.

magesticmallow · 23/01/2014 08:38

This should totally have been discussed before, how did you manage before he moved in? Don't get me wrong I think you are right but if he moved in with you and is now paying half then surely you are financially better off? How did you pay full rent before he moved in if you only have £200 left over now?

feltpaperchains · 23/01/2014 08:38

I think this really should have been discussed before you got married. Now you will have to compromise.
Everyone does this differently, some people think that finances should be completely separate and some people combine finances. The electricity should be paid half and half as he knew you had dependants when he agreed to live with you, it's the two adults who have to pay for that. That's obvious.
I think that you should pay for your children and he should pay for his.
What will you do if you want to go on holiday, it will take you ages to save up for your share?
It's a tricky one sorry probably not very helpful.

Hopasholic · 23/01/2014 08:38

Tell him it's a Marriage, not a flat share. Is he going to start writing his name on 'his' milk?
He is BU. YABU for not having this discussion prior to getting married.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 23/01/2014 08:39

Wow, sounds like you made a bit of a mistake with this one. He clearly doesn't understand what it is to be in a partnership. Resources should be pooled amd you should each have the same amount of disposable income. Come on, it's not as if your DC can pay their share of the bills!

Only1scoop · 23/01/2014 08:39

Didnt you live together prior to wedding? Did you have any discussions re money or has this just been decided?

magesticmallow · 23/01/2014 08:40

He is a tight ass though and you are totally right, I just wondered about the rent :)

LastOneDancing · 23/01/2014 08:41

He doesn't seem to see this as a partnership but still two separate people with separate responsibilities and incomes - the household income should be both of your money as you're building one future together. Why would a husband watch his wife struggle?

Did you suggest putting a percentage into the joint bills account? Eg you both put on 50% of your wage rather than a set figure? You'd still have less expendable income than him but he would be making a greater contribution and can't argue that it's not 'fair' as you're making the same salary sacrifice.

Does he pay for other things? Takeaways, days out etc?

ShanghaiDiva · 23/01/2014 08:41

Your husband is being an arse. Perhaps your children should get part time jobs to enable them to pay their share of the electricity. He probably eats more them them, so make sure he pays more for food!

Personally as you are now a family I think all money should be put together and after bills you jointly decide how to allocate the remainder. Naturally this should include the costs of court proceedings re his kids. You both need to support all 4 of the children.

cornflakegirl · 23/01/2014 08:41

It does sound a little mean, and personally I've always had joint money with my DH. But, two questions come to mind. Firstly, if he's now sharing rent, and covering his costs on other bills, are you not financially better off than before? (Or have you lost some benefits?) Secondly, does he pay maintenance for his children? And does this also come out of family money?

Orangeisthenewbanana · 23/01/2014 08:42

YANBU - "3 of you & only 1 of him". That tells you straight away he doesn't consider you to be a family unit. And even taking your children out of the picture for
a second, how can he think it's fair for you to contribute equally to household costs when that leaves him with five times as much disposable income compared to you. Every month.

However - YABU in the sense that this should have been talked about way before you got married!

CoffeeTea103 · 23/01/2014 08:42

Well you should have had this discussion before you married. You walked right into this one.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/01/2014 08:43

I'd ask him to leave. Sad

feltpaperchains · 23/01/2014 08:43

I don't really agree that disposable income should be pooled. I am training to be a teacher and when I'm working my DP wants to cut his hours right back so he can get into creative pursuits. Fine, but not at my expense. If he wants to be at home most of the week that's his choice but I am going to spend my well earned income on clothes for myself and coffees when I'm out not supporting him.
It would be different if we had a baby, I would regard that as my job and would then expect to be able to use his money for a couple of years.

Original poster
Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 08:45

We didn't live together before. He would just come and stay for weekends.

Before we were married he was totally different and I really didn't think it would be an issue.

He did apologise after we argued about it and said he was wrong. However, last night I mentioned I have to go to local supermarket to pick up a few bits and asked did he need anything. He responded with giving me a lecture about spending money that we cant afford and you don't HAVE to go, remember that petrol has to last a month etc, etc.

which resulted in another argument and his apology was obviously not sincere and his resentment obviously continues.

OP posts:
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