Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my new DH?

413 replies

Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 08:30

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 23/01/2014 10:09

How long have you been together?

I'm afraid I would be amazed if this could be sorted with a reasonable discussion. He's starting so far from "reasonable" - or "loving" or "normal" for that matter - he's off the map. That and the fact that you say you're suddenly seeing a new side to him. Already you've basically volunteered to devote all your "spare" finances to him - and he still wants more?

He doesn't see you as a family, he sees you as a meal ticket. He's kept this in check and this is the real him, would be my guess.

mummytime · 23/01/2014 10:10

"He just doesn't feel that he should have to contribute financially for anyone but himself, when he needs money to start court proceedings to see his own kids."

I have no idea why either of you got married, you had a wedding but IMHO you don't have a marriage. A marriage/civil partnership is expressing a joint relationship which includes mutual financial support.

MadBusLady · 23/01/2014 10:10

Also, agree with sebsmummy you do sound downtrodden. And like you've lost sight of what's normal in relationships or in finances.

Original poster
Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 10:11

Somersetlady, as I said I have no problem with what he spends his £1,000 on, gym membership, haircuts, clothes, whatever. That isn't the problem. I do not expect him to give me any of this money.

I just find it very conflicting that he says he needs to save for court proceedings, hence why he should only pay for his electric, gas, food etc, then spends money on these things. Also spends money on these things, while insisting that I pay for my childrens share of electric, gas, food, bills etc.

OP posts:
MostWicked · 23/01/2014 10:11

WTF??? 3 of you and 1 of him? Really?
What a w@anker!
You are a family and he is step father to your children. He should be paying towards them like they were his own.
Forget the financial aspect of this (though that is huge), his attitude to how he views your children, is a disgrace. He married you, and you came with children so your children become his responsibility.

DownstairsMixUp · 23/01/2014 10:13

You don't marry someone with kids if you aren't willing to take them on as your own. He would be out the door for me I am afraid.

MadBusLady · 23/01/2014 10:14

Well, the logical explanation is that he wants to take your money to fund his lifestyle choices, and he doesn't give a shit about the court proceedings. Nothing "conflicting" about it. He's just lying.

Original poster
Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 10:17

Mummytime, prior to the wedding he wasn't like this. Although he never contributed to bills etc, as he wasn't living here. We shared expenses. For example he would pay for us to go out for a meal, the following week I would buy and cook us a lovely dinner, with wine etc.

I just assumed we would continue to share things and this would include household expenses such as bills, once he moved in.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 23/01/2014 10:17

Hadenough are you even taking onboard anyone comments? I feel like we are communicating with a Stepford droid.

Listen very carefully. Your husbands behaviour is bordering on CUNT. 95% of us are outraged as to his stance on your shared financial outgoings and we believe if this doesn't get stamped all over now you will be divorcing in the future.

Now what are you going to do?

TheSkiingGardener · 23/01/2014 10:18

He's an arsebiscuit. Tell him to stop being a selfish sod and start behaving like a grown up.

hoobypickypicky · 23/01/2014 10:18

"What happens if you get run over by a bus tomorrow? You really think you'd trust him to raise them with their best interest truly at heart?"

I suspect that this is a rhetorical question but I'd like you to take it as an actual one, hadenough8. Whaat would happen if you get run over by a bus tomorrow? Do you really think you can trust him to raise your kids with their best interests at heart?

Also, why doesn't he see his own kids? Why didn't he start proceedings to see them 2 years ago? Why hasn't he moved heaven and earth, put his own desires (marriage to you, gym membership, all the rest of it) second to fighting to see his own children?

I think you can tell a lot about a potential stepfather and how he will behave towards your children by looking at how he treats his own.

I rarely say LTB but in your shoes I'd give him an ultimatum. Accept the children as part of the family and share the rent and bills or leave tonight.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 23/01/2014 10:19

I bet if he lived in his own place and had to pay all the mortgage, bills etc he'd be worse off. He needs to be given the boot. The fact that you are so accepting of him having loads of disposable income and you having none saddens me. That's no way to have a happy marriage Sad

Anniegoestotown · 23/01/2014 10:20

Bit naughty but how about taking him at his word and start charging him for everything, sex, cleaning, ironing, laundry. If he wants to live like a single guy then let him.

On a more serious point get rid now. He the longer it goes on the worse it will get.

He does not want anything to do with his children because they will cost him.

hoobypickypicky · 23/01/2014 10:24

I've another question, hadenough, sorry to keep firing them at you.

Does this prince among men pay maintenance for his own kids? If he does is it a reasonable amount in accordance with his income and their needs or is it the minimum required by the CSA?

VivaLeBeaver · 23/01/2014 10:25

OK, so hi giving you a bollocking for thinking of going to the supermarket to buy food is in my opinion finanacial abuse.

You've been married a month and the domestic abuse has started? Not good. It will get worse.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/01/2014 10:26

Go and talk to your parents and tell them what's happening. I bet they wouldn't give a shit that they've just paid for a wedding. They will want you to be ok.

Original poster
Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 10:27

Sebsmummy, I am taking on board your comments, just thread is very fast moving and trying to answer all comments.

That is exactly what we have been arguing about. I have told him I cannot live like this. He isn't a lodger, but part of a family and to start acting as such. He apologises, says he was wrong. Then starts lecturing me about money and saving petrol etc, etc.

I told him I had googled divorce and that all the arguing and resentment is making me miserable and I would be better off (not financially) but emotionally without him.

He again says that he is sorry and doesn't want to make me feel like that. However, I just know that the resentment is still there.

I have been married a month and don't want to just give up and fall at the first hurdle. I am sure marriages take lots of work. Im just not sure he can get over the resentment.

OP posts:
MomsStiffler · 23/01/2014 10:30

I'd tell him that if you're paying the bills for you & your DC, then you're cooking for you & your DC only. Give him a shelf in the fridge.

He can be allocated 1/4 of the house that is his to spend his time in & you won't clean it.

If he wants to act like a lodger, then treat him like one.

MomsStiffler · 23/01/2014 10:32

I am sure marriages take lots of work. to a degree, but this seems excessive. He seems to feel that the whole household revolves around him & him only.

You would probably be happier going back to being just you & your DC - what advantages are there for you in living like this?

Original poster
Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 10:34

I suspect that this is a rhetorical question but I'd like you to take it as an actual one, hadenough8. Whaat would happen if you get run over by a bus tomorrow? Do you really think you can trust him to raise your kids with their best interests at heart?

No I don't.

Also, why doesn't he see his own kids?

It is complicated and i have avoided answering this as i didn't want to get side tracked. To his credit, he has tried and has started court proceedings previously. His ex started to let him see his kids, made a big thing about regretting stopping him and never doing it again, burnt the court papers in front of him etc. He dropped the proceedings, she stopped contact again. A big mistake on his part.

OP posts:
catsmother · 23/01/2014 10:35

I agree he's using emotional blackmail to stop you looking too closely and/or objecting to his significant "personal" disposable income. After all, how "heartless" would someone be to complain about their partner taking steps to see their estranged children ?

Whilst I know from personal experience that even the best, most committed dads can be prevented from seeing their children if their ex is obstructive, what I don't get is why he's done nothing until now (apparently) ?

Furthermore, do you actually realise that it isn't necessarily hugely expensive to apply to court for a contact order ? He is at liberty to represent himself in court - as many non resident parents do - and the application fee for a contact order is just £215. There is plenty of information about this on the net and unless his particular case is extraordinarily unusual and complicated, that would be the sensible thing to do before spending thousands on legal fees.

But like previous posters, I'm not sure that's his genuine reason for clinging on to "his" money - not at all.

Personally, I think 50:50 on bills is mean when there's such disparity between incomes - yet the fact he's now also arguing about that is very indicative IMO of his true character. Some couples contribute to bills on a proportional basis - so if you earn £1K a month and he earns £2K, you pay 1/3 of bills and he pays 2/3. Even using that sort of formula though can mean one partner can have a much nicer life (if they see fit) if they earn significantly more. I just don't get how someone who's supposed to love you can swan about indulging himself, buying stuff as treats and so on, while you are in a completely different position where you have to seriously budget and can't participate in a similar way of living. It places you both in entirely different spheres - rather than the equals you'd hoped to be when you got married.

Most people get married in the full knowledge they'll be sharing their life henceforth with their new spouse .... that's what I take "for better, for worse" to mean. In reality you take the rough with the smooth and work together to make each other's lives as pleasant and as secure as possible. He's not acting like that at all ..... instead, he's behaving as if you - and your kids - are an imposition. Why the hell did he get married I wonder ? ........ is it the case that his outgoings have reduced as a result of moving in with you - and that he'd anticipated having £xxx amount to "spend" (on himself) as he pleased. And now, somehow feels "cheated" because "his" spends aren't quite as much as he'd thought they'd be ?

Basically, what was he spending to live each month before he moved in with you ? Is he better off now - under a 50:50 agreement - than he was before ? If the answer to that is "yes" I think it's very telling and in your shoes I'd be questioning his motives for marriage very seriously indeed - to the extent of telling him to fuck off.

Although different couples do have different financial arrangements I suspect the vast majority pool their incomes, pay all the bills, then decide jointly what happens to any money left over - with equal amounts of personal spends if possible. I bloody bet he "didn't want" to do that. Personally, I couldn't, just couldn't spend significant amounts of money on myself - on treat type stuff (i.e. non-essentials) month in, month out, while my so-called partner could never do anything remotely similar. What would that make me ? ....... mean, selfish, arguably cruel ........ and presumably seeing myself as better and more deserving of a nice lifestyle than they were.

Fuck that. You'd be no worse off without him - financially ..... and a lot better off emotionally than having him lord it over you like he's your superior. You do not want to have to justify your spending to him as if you're a naughty little child, and you do not want to be effectively trapped by lack of funds while he swans off on hobbies and holidays which you can't afford to share. What is the point of being married to someone who'd treat you like that ?

gamerchick · 23/01/2014 10:35

I think that some people have a better relationship when they don't live together. I've known married people who keep on their own homes and it works quite well for them.

You don't have to split up... just don't live in the same house. Get back your tax credits and what not and he can go back to not being a dick about money because he has no idea what it means to be a family unit.

DameDeepRedBetty · 23/01/2014 10:35

This splits into two slightly different problems.

Problem one, his idea of sharing and yours have turned out to be somewhat different. Agree it seemed like he had the right idea before your marriage, but turns out he thinks your children are not his financial problem in any way.

Problem two, he says he wants to save hard to get access to his own dcs. And that's the reason he's being a complete tightwad with you. However, his idea of saving hard seems to include still buying a lot of unnecessary luxuries for himself.

Okay, so your children aren't his, however how would he feel if his ex married a man who treated his children the way he's treating yours?

And how can any truly loving husband watch his wife struggle while he swans off to the gym in his brand new jumper?

DameDeepRedBetty · 23/01/2014 10:36

My giddy aunt LOADS of xposts!

complexnumber · 23/01/2014 10:37

I'm trying hard to give your DH some grace. If this is the first time he has had to live with someone. It may well be coming as a bit of a shock to him that with marriage comes a fair bit of mutual responsibility, and that you look after each other as you are now a unit.

This may take some getting used to.

Otherwise he is being v. prattish, and I would feel worried and more than a little deceived.