AIBU or is my new DH?

[Hadenough8]

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

"Im just not sure he can get over the resentment."

But that's not your problem to fix is it?

[Hadenough8]

Momstiffer, that sounds like a good idea, unfortunately i just cant be that petty. It would drive me insane!

There are no advantages to living like this. The situation at present, is that he has apologised twice and said he is wrong to think like that. So we are 'ok' now.

However, i just know that it isn't resolved and it will be raised again by him. Seems he apologises to just smooth things over, when he doesn't actually agree with it.

[MadBusLady]

No, no, no. Marriages should not take THIS kind of work - the kind of work where one partner sacrifices their own finances entirely to the other and puts up with them having a go, all in exchange for a few cheap sorries. That is NOT the kind of work marriages should take.

I think you need to read this thread again slowly.

What we are telling you is that even the "agreement" you came to with regards splitting the bills equally was wrong.

It is wrong that he even thinks in terms of "one of me and three of you". It reveals everything you need to know about his attitude.

It is wrong that it even crosses his mind to have a go at you about "wasting" money on petrol to go food shopping

There is so, so much wrong here.

What we are suggesting is that this is a financially/emotionally abusive man, and that he has revealed his true colours now that you're legally shackled to him, that he won't get better, and that all bets are off as far as "working at the marriage" are concerned.

You can't work on a marriage unless both of you have the same aims - and his aim is clearly as comfy a lifestyle as possible for him, at your expense.

[MomsStiffler]

Ah, but maybe just sitting down with him & saying that's what you think should be done "to be fair" might knock some sense into him.

Got to be worth a try!!

[MomsStiffler]

xpost

[sebsmummy1]

Good, as long as you are taking these comments onboard as the majority of us feel very strongly that YANBU, and that's rare for this board!!

This is such a fundemental issue that it will keep raising it's head unfortunately and your positions are so far apart I just don't know where and how you are going to meet.

I think your first heavy conversation needs to be how he regards your children. Does he like them to call him Daddy? Is it important to him that they don't? You need to know how he feels the dynamic lies with you and 'your' children and if he is saying to you that he considers them like his own, then I'd want to know why his actions scream differently.

Children are not silly. They cotton on very quickly whether Mummy is happy and if not who is making her miserable and anxious. They are also very switched on to subtle emotional nuances. They will know how your husband really feels about them and as they get older they will use that as a reason to lose respect for him and your house may end up very divided.

There is an awful lot of work to do OP and you may have to scream and shout and sulk and withdraw land eventually you may have to accept it ain't going to work!! What you don't want to do is shrink and become meeker, more subservient, put his needs above your own, his financial happiness above your own, as this road leads nowhere good for you or you children.

[Hadenough8]

Complex, he lived briefly with the mother of his children, they were both very young and lived with her parents, then split up shortly after. He then lived with his parents for years, until we married.

So yes, the first time really, he has been responsible for helping to run a household financially.

[hoobypickypicky]

" Do you really think you can trust him to raise your kids with their best interests at heart?"

"No I don't."

That says it all.

You're putting this manchild's desire for financial betterment and your desire to remain married to him over the welfare and best interests of your children. Think about that, hadenough. Think about it long and hard.

[Orangeisthenewbanana]

You're right, marriages do take a lot of work - but that has to come from both sides. It sounds like you're making all the compromises and putting in all the effort while he gets to swan along as before, and is trying to dictate to you how things will be done (food shopping, how much you drive the car etc).

The marriage can only work if he's prepared to accept that he'll have to make some compromises. That doesn't necessarily mean pooling resources 50/50 or him paying for extras for your children but he at least should be acknowledging that the current situation does not work for you and trying to find some middle ground

[catsmother]

IME of contact issues, the most important thing is to get that application in to court asap .... not pussy foot around "saving" (allegedly) thousands so he can then start proceedings when he's got "enough" (if he's going down the solicitor route). Whenever that might be.

Court proceedings, all the red tape, CAFCASS and a non co-operative ex can all mean cases can be extraordinarily slow to reach a conclusion. In the meantime that's his kids' childhoods slipping away and even more lost time to try and make up, re-establishing a relationship with them will be harder and harder the longer he leaves it.

In any case, how long is a piece of string ? He has no way of knowing how long his case would take, or how many hours of a solicitor's time he'd need to pay for in order to sort all this out. It's not like saving for something concrete like a new conservatory.

All he has to do is apply to court and get the ball rolling. He could do that right now and pay his fee of £215 if he wanted to out of his £1k pocket money. So bloody what if the ex destroys the court papers .... a piece of paper is a piece of paper. Doesn't make her above the law.

He's talking bullshit and taking you for a mug OP.

[HaroldLloyd]

I wouldn't be happy with having a fifth of his spending money and a lot more outgoings.

He dosent have to go 50/50 I suppose but surely some of that grand should be going on your future and giving you BOTH a good standard of living.

[hoobypickypicky]

Additionally, the ex stopped the contact with his children TWO YEARS ago and he still has done nothing about seeing them?

And you're giving him credit for starting proceedings previously despite that he's not bothered with his children for the past 2 years? Yes, I did say not bothered, he could have tried these past 24 months and yet he still isn't bothering now.

You're putting a man who doesn't just resent your children but doesn't even give much of a shit about his own above the welfare and long term security of your kids. You're beginning to look like you're enabling or at least making excuses for this man. You're putting your own desires and his, and your own pride above the wellbeing of your children. Can you not see that?

[catsmother]

Xposted.

Ah right, so if he's been living with mummy and daddy for a long time, chances are that he's got very used indeed to having lots of money to spend all on himself (unless they were charging him the going rate for a lodger which I doubt).

He probably does feel "hard done by" now. But should have thought of that before marrying and moving in. Surely to god he must have had some inkling of how the vast majority of couples pool finances even if he's never directly experienced that himself ?

And even if he didn't .... for me, this comes back to basic decency, respect and kindness. I just don't see how he can feel "okay" at watching you struggle, or having to go without stuff he takes for granted and not feel embarrassed. In effect he's rubbing your face in it.

What's going to happen when he fancies going on holiday ? Is it going to be "oh I'd love you to come - such a shame you can't afford it - bye".

[AGoodPirate]

He sounds like a prick.
I honestly think you should get rid because this sort of meanness is innate, ingrained.
He won't have a revelation.

[gamerchick]

if he's never done it before then I can understand it being a shock to the system.

Another talk explaining how a marriage should be and it's not how he's thinking may be in order and if he can't cope with that, then maybe he should go back to his parents.

I don't even think pooling the finances and splitting the rest is necessary. My husband took on me and my 3 kids, their dad don't pay piss all for them. I bring in roughly half his salary.. so he pays for all the big bills and I pay all the little bills. he's paid for my kids for years now but accepted that when he took us on that it's just the way it is.

Call a come to jesus meeting and have it out with him.. it needs nipping in the bud and he needs to realise that it's not just a him and you's. It doesn't work like that.

[Foxred10]

He's being an arsehole. In my opinion Household expenses should be shared equally between all and any working adults in the house, as a proportion of what they earn (ie if all expenses are £1000 per month, and one partner earns £1000 a month, and the other £2000, then partner 1 would pay £250, partner 2 £750) The idea that you pay for 3 and he pays for 1 is ridiculous. As is the fact that he is happy to be flush himself and see you struggle. Does this 'fuck everyone else as long as I'm alright' attitude extend beyond the financial? Because if so, I would say you would be well rid of him

[dreamingbohemian]

Oh dear. He's really never lived on his own even, has he?

How old is he?

[Hadenough8]

Sebsmummy, my children do call him dad and he has encouraged them to do so. He is generally very good with them, he gets involved in homework, bedtime, plays with them for hours etc, etc. Very much a hands on kind of dad.

I am far from placid when it comes to my children, i am very patient in general, i rarely scream, shout or sulk. However i am more than willing and able to get my point across and let DH know that i wont stand for it.

I will attempt another cards on the table discussion with ds and tell him again that ANY resentment towards my children is a deal breaker for me.

I did wonder whether it might be that now that he is part of my family, married, moved in etc maybe he wants his children to be part of it and maybe that is where the resentment comes from. Kind of misplaced resentment.

Anyhow, thank you everyone for all your comments. I have today and tomorrow off work and i was planning on trying out some new recipes and doing some cooking and baking. But first i need to go to the supermarket for a few ingredients and I WILL waste about 50 pence worth of petrol doing so!

Thanks again for listening.

[FastWindow]

Did he not say 'all I have I share with you' in his vows then?

YANNNNBU.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

OP to give you another perspective. When my DB met his wife she was a SAHM to a 5 year old, the father had left the country. They had children and got married. She carried on being a SAHM until the DC had started school. He supported the whole family financially (there was no stepson carve out ) because that's what you do when its a real partnership.

[Electryone]

Splitting electricity bills because there is only one of him and three of "you" is not a partnership or a recipe for family life, because whether he likes it or not you are all a family now, this happened when you married. There's more to family life as a parent/step parent than reading a few stories.

[stopthecavalry]

Good luck but your expectations are too low. You are married. You are a unit. You should share everything including the expenses for all of the kids. If he can't grasp the concept of family money I would ask him to leave.

[Littlegreyauditor]

Mummytime, prior to the wedding he wasn't like this.

Of course he was he was just hiding it from you so you wouldn't run a mile. Now you are married he thinks he has you trapped so the real him is crawling out of whatever hole he hid it in.

He has deceived you OP and now he thinks he can begin to beat you down so that he can have things all his way. This can and will only get worse.

If he treats you, his wife whom he is supposed to love, like this how will he treat your children? It is clear he believes they are not his problem and believe me they will know it. Are you prepared to sacrifice their happiness, never mind your own, for your husband's?

There is no virtue in soldiering on out of some misplaced idea that you have made your bed, and that marriage should be work. Thankfully times have moved on and you need not be trapped.

Think about it OP you have been married a month. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period where you are all blissful and content. Are you?

He sounds like a selfish wee boy to me. Interesting that his last relationship didn't survive living together isn't it?

[Hadenough8]

I should have made that clearer, he started Court proceeding DURING the last 2 years, he saw his kids a handful of times, then his ex stop contact again once he dropped the proceedings. He has been trying to sort it out with his ex since then.

Sorry for not giving precise details, as i said i didn't want to go into it and get side tracked by it.

Anyhow i really must go out now.

[Hadenough8]

Little, blissfully happy, no far from it, im miserable. I have had enough already.

I do take marriage seriously and i do feel, we need to have a serious chat and start again as from that point on. If he cannot stick to what we have agreed or resolved, not the money, i don't give a shit about the money, i mean the resentment, then yes our marriage is over.