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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my new DH?

413 replies

Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 08:30

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 15:01

No I haven't, I was at the hospital until late last night. However I do have another lock on the door, which I can use as he doesn't have a key for that.

I will wait until Monday to call a locksmith.

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 15:08

Ive just googled annulling a marriage and none of the reasons apply. How do I go about doing this? on what grounds?

OP posts:
ProfPlumSpeaking · 26/01/2014 15:15

hadenough8 I am so glad that you had enough confidence and self belief to know when a relationship is irredeemably not right, and did not get sucked into years of financial and emotional abuse. I think you have had a narrow escape. I am so sorry you went through this all though. I hope your Dad is on the mend. Perhaps your STBXH will have actually learned something from this whole charade and just MIGHT behave differently with someone else in the future.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/01/2014 15:19

I don't think you can get it annulled - you have to get a divorce.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 26/01/2014 15:26

cornflakegirl - you are talking bollocks. provocation my arse. No more mean than before? Oh that's all right then Hmm.

hadenough8 - be sure to get the annulment going asap. Don't hang about with this pillock. Keep your messages, they will be useful. I hope your father is better soon and your mum isn't too stressed out.

Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 15:50

It probably wasn't any meaner than before. However we had only had a discussion the night before where we agreed that it had to stop etc. I at least expected some effort from him. If he couldn't make a bit of effort so soon after a discussion, then I stood no chance of him making any effort long term.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 26/01/2014 15:53

I posted a link earlier about annulment,I'm pretty sure you won't be able to.

It's nothing to do with sympathetic people hearing an application there are very strict rules.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 26/01/2014 15:58

Very sorry to hear about your dad hadenough I hope he and your mom too are going to be OK.

I have no idea what on earth provocation could be as mentioned up thread
the way in which he wouldn't let me use the phone, I asked if I could use his phone as he was sitting there with it in his hand, he handed it to me, I then asked for the passcode and he said 'I don't know', so obviously just being spiteful.
let's not forget, this isn't random strangers, the people you wanted to contact are not only your parents, they're his inlaws, the people who paid for his wedding.

Taking away everything he's given you as gifts and also taking everything he's received.
It's classic heads he wins, tails you lose stuff. He thinks of noone but himself.

I'm all for being 100% fair and was trying to think how you could resolve and work through this, especially as it's such early days living together, but I've totally changed my mind. I don't see how someone with such a mean spirit will ever change. I'm relieved for you that you haven't had a child with this man to tie you together one way or another (unless it would've been yet another child he didn't continue to see)

Keep the texts, keep a brief diary note of things he's said and done and as soon as you're able get some legal advice. People on the relationship and legal boards will see you straight.

heather1 · 26/01/2014 16:01

Just a thought but the poster thinking of marriage annulment may have been thinking of annulment after a religious ceremony. E.g. Afaik for Catholic marriage an annulment is possible if you can prove the husband went into the marriage with absolutely no intention of honouring their marriage vows.
I'm afraid I think only a divorce will be an option in hedenough8 situation.

LookingThroughTheFog · 26/01/2014 16:02

It probably wasn't any meaner than before.

It was, hadenough, and you weren't over reacting at all.

It's not about the call, free or otherwise.

It's about this; any normal, loving person, when they see their wife/partner worrying about their parents because they're calling out of routine does the following; they put an arm around you, and ask what you need to be able to sort it all out, and does anything you need to restore your calm and to help out your parents.

It's not unreasonable to expect that from a partner. Wouldn't you do as much for him?

I'm so sorry that it's worked out this way for you. I hope your father recovers well, and that the next legal steps are at least straight forward for you.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 26/01/2014 16:11

Hadenough - you rock! Those DCs of yours have one excellent Mummy!

One day you will be telling all this to a man that will fall in love with you and your DCs and as you are relating this story his eyebrows will be flying off the top of his head with disbelief! You will be able to laugh about it and put it squarely where it belongs, in the past! STBX will probably be like this all his life. You can see why his ex behaved like she did perhaps? Divorce him on the grounds of his inexcusable bad behaviour. What a tosspot!

CSIJanner · 26/01/2014 16:28

I don't suppose you can claim ex had an undisclosed a std when you were married? Tis grounds for annulment. If not, it will have to be divorc on grounds of unreasonable behaviour which means you ave to wait for a year am afraid...

Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 17:27

Well I did send a text after receiving more nasty ones, just saying that is a difficult time for us both and could we at least be civil. He said yes, his idea of 'civil' is telling me I can 'keep anything he has left behind' which is awfully kind of him, considered HE moved in with me and I had already paid for everything in the house!! apparently 'he has lost more than me and I should be happy'. He then asked for half of the money we got as wedding gifts!

I haven't responded and im currently being called 'a prostitute'! Just reinforcing that I have definitely made the right decision.

OP posts:
sisterofmercy · 26/01/2014 17:31

Depending on what type of phone you have (it sounds like a PAYG?) and your finances is it possible to get a PAYG SIM card to put in your phone? You can tell your loved family and friends where to get hold of you on the new number and only check the original SIM when it is convenient for you (and you feel strong enough.) Then you could save the evidence for the divorce but not look at them all the time.

The sexual and animalistic insults are worrying me slightly though. If this doesn't die down as his rage settles but carries on you might have to consider contacting the police.

I hope your dad is feeling comfortable and your mum is okay. I am glad you have a supportive family nearby - your cousin sounds a total star.

Doha · 26/01/2014 17:35

his presents to you were gifts therefor you owned them. Ask him why he stole your belongings and ask for them to be returned...on second thoughts better not to engage with him at all. Can you keep the texts without opening them you may need them as evidence at some point?

Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 17:40

That's a good idea Sister, yes it is pay as you go and I would much rather not have to read these insults.

My dad is seriously ill and it is not looking good. I feel tearful enough as it is and I am trying not to be emotional in front of the kids and hold it together, its really not helping.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 26/01/2014 18:18

I am so sorry about your father Flowers.

Tomorrow could you get the children to school then visit your father and then a solicitor or advice.

Ignore all his texts. Block him if you can and pack up anything he has left behind. Maybe make a note of anything he has taken that belongs to you. He is playing dirty. He is not on your team. Treat him like the enemy now.

So cross for you but you are doing great. Remember that and don't let this twat grind you down.

Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 18:34

Thanks Toffee for now I just have to focus on my dad, the trip to visit takes 2 hours there and 2 hours back, not much time left for solicitor visit at the mo

OP posts:
KenyanSunrise · 26/01/2014 18:38

I have read the entire thread and HadEnough you are an extremely strong woman. Good on you for being so brave during such an emotional and distressing time for you.
I hope your Dad gets well soon!
Dont worry about your stbxh, im sure his free text messages will run out soon and I very much doubt hel want to actually pay to send any! You should have some peace soon :) x

cornflakegirl · 26/01/2014 18:46

I'm so sorry about your dad Thanks

I have been trying to make allowances for your H, but with everything else you've said, even I have completely run out of them now. I'm so sorry it all had to come to a head at the same time as your dad's illness. I hope you keep getting great advice on making the divorce as painless as possible. And that you find someone else who deserves you.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 26/01/2014 18:47

Asking for his half of the wedding money ffs. Same old theme eh. Money money money is the only currency in his life. Love, happiness, loyalty, devotion all mean nothing to this creep! It might be the right thing to give back the presents as it goes. You are well shot of this total turd!

Owllady · 26/01/2014 18:54

He sounds dreadful, I am so sorry, but I am pleased you were prepared to protect yourself rather than your pride x
I wonder whether this kind of abusive behaviour is why he is denied access to his children? :(

Bearbehind · 26/01/2014 18:58

hadenough you really are a strong woman. You married a gobshite but you've not been too proud to see that. Many women would make excuses for him until even they are convinced his behaviour is normal.

His default thoughts about money are just unacceptable and intolerable. To even consider the cost of a phone call and deny you it, when you knew something was wrong, is despicable.

So much about his history doesn't add up. Not seeing his kids but not contributing to their upbringing on one hand does not sit with his living at home yet still having no money.

Also 30 years of thinking it is normal to have your own food shelf in a family and to live like students will take a long time to change, and it really isn't worth the effort.

It is also appalling that he thought to ask you for half of the wedding money. Any normal person would offer it back to the guests in the first instance, given the short duration of the marriage.

You will get through this and you and your kids will have a better life for it. I hope your Dad pulls through.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 26/01/2014 19:07

If anyone should be getting the money from the wedding it should be your parents who paid for it!

Best wishes to your dad and all of you at this tough time. Try to ignore him - he isn't worth your energy. It sounds like you have a wonderful family

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/01/2014 19:27

The easiest and cheapest way to divorce given that it very much sounds like you have no financial ties or children together and he has removed anything that belongs to him would be to just wait until your second anniversary and file for divorce using 2 years separation.

You don't need to go into details it's just a tick box and you can do it for a few pounds over £400 off the top of my head I think it's £410 the only fees you need to pay are court fees and when absolutely nothing is at stake you don't even need legal advice. It's really simple.

Or after your first anniversary you can do unreasonable behaviour that means you cannot possibly be expected to remain living with him.same costs involved but if he's a form ignorer then you will have to pay out for balif service and you run the risk of him challenging it for fun