AIBU or is my new DH?

[Hadenough8]

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

[Lancelottie]

If he's moved in and you are married, then legally he WILL be expected to be contributing to your combined household, hence he will be taken into account when considering any benefits, tax credits or council tax.

Is he a bit dim?

[Hadenough8]

Cornflake, we did sit down and have a calm, unemotional talk about money. We worked out outgoings and incomings etc and agreed on what we would do.

IF he wanted to put all our money together, pay for the basics and then save to start court proceedings, that would be fine.

But he didn't want to do that, he wanted to pay half of the outgoings, keep his £1,000. He can do what he likes with 'his' £1,000.

[PavlovtheCat]

ok, no point saying this should have been sorted earlier!

You are now married. It is not 3 of you and 1 of him. It is 4 of you as a family. Whether or not the father of the children is involved in their life, he is now married to you, which means he is stepfather to your children, which means you are family. He needs to get his head around this asap as he clearly has not already.

So, the electricity is split 50/50. The children's school shoes, clothes etca are paid for as a family bill. Unless of course you get payments from the children's father, in which firstly, that money pays for those things. The rest comes from joint family income.

In terms of splitting the spare cash, different people have different ways of doing this. I earn more than my DH. If we followed your principle I would have more than him, ie I would have a little and he would have none. That is not a relationship. We pool together all our money to pay bills, ALL family bills. Not 50/50, but all our money goes into a joint bank account for bills. If we have spare, we split it equally. If we don't have spare, we don't have one having money and the other not.

[PavlovtheCat]

And, he doesn't want to pay for your children and his? well then he should not have married someone with children.

[petalsandstars]

If he doesn't want to pool finances and live properly as a family then tell him to move back out again.

[PavlovtheCat]

magestic your point might have been answered already, but perhaps the OP was receiving tax credits which she is no longer entitled to due to living with her working partner.

[GuernseyTeddy]

I guess a lot of this depends on your previous financial set up, and to what extent your children's father is financially supporting them.

You don't mention how you previously managed without him contributing to 50% of household expenses...tax credits for example. And whether you are financially worse off because he is now living with you.

With reg to your children's father - is he at least paying CSA 15%.

Your new husband hasn't acquitted himself well, but it may just be that he got defensive in an argument and wasn't able to put his points across the way he meant. Your leaving financial discussions until after you were married, may have come a bit across like you intend to treat him like a cash cow now you are married.

[cornflakegirl]

So, you had the talk but now you don't like the decision you jointly made? Are you actually financially worse off than before you married?

I think you need to talk again. If he feels the arrangement is fair (and in some senses it is, and I know other families who do money that way, even though I wouldn't myself), then you need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

[PavlovtheCat]

precious I agree you don't need a joint account. DH and I didn't have one for a long time, it worked fine. We joint our finances when he was made redundant, as it was very hard and shot his esteem to have to ask me for money, or for my card if he was doing the shopping. So, I paid all my money into joint account with CTC etc and he had free access. But, I was fine with that free access as he didn't go larging it with friends or buying expensive computer games. He would check if there was enough to get a new top, but not because it was 'my' money. I just have a better handle on how much we have left over each month. I would also check if he was happy if I was going to get a new top/haircut whatever. So, now he is working again, we just continue this set-up as it's all set up. One account for DDs/bills. One account for joint daily expenses such as fuel, shopping etc, and our own individual accounts for the rare times we have more than a few quid spare to split!

[Hadenough8]

Yes I received tax credits etc. I am no worse/better off than before. My children's father disappeared, he has had no contact and I have no idea where he is. He pays nothing.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think it's ok not to have a joint account, and I even think it's fair for the person who earns more to have more discretionary income.

But to say you have to pay for all your children's expenses alone is not reasonable, and the idea that he should only contribute a third because of your children is not only selfish but stupid.

[Somersetlady]

Am I the only one that can see where the DH is coming from to some extent? I think he is being unreasonable of course for quibbling about paying half the rent and food bills but just imagine if you were suddenly told that your disposable earnings were going to be dramatically cut and the idea had never crossed your mind......

I agree it's not very helpful to tell the OP that it should have been discussed before and her DH does sound like a miser but he must have assumed she was able to continue to finance herself and her DCs as she has done prior to marriage?
Probably to assume that in fact she would be better off if he was to pay towards their existing living expenses?

hadenough8 you mention he moved in with you post marriage do you mind me asking how you managed financially before he moved in if you were paying all the rent and bills? Surely excluding his 'additional' disposable income you are now better off financially if you are getting half of the rent paid by him and some should be half of the bills?

I am with cornflake and feltpaperchains i think now is the time to discuss this as adults. Treat it like the merger it is so you both draw up a list of your incomings and outgoings pre him moving in/ marrying you and he does the same.
You can then go from there with regards to the current outgoings for living together as a family unit so all the necessaries. The fact he does not wish to pool his additional disposable income is not a hanging offence but there must be a way you can work it out. How about he pays an amount into a savings account for a rainy day for when you need it as a family.

There are many options for how you finance your life together noneof which is right or wrong and maybe one step at a time will lead to something more harmonious t you are both happy with. Remember your FH is newly married and adjusting to the situation as re you and his ideas of how things would be are just as valid as yours if you never discussed them you can not just expect him to suddenly come round to your way of thinking.

I hope that you can come to an amicable arrangement. Good luck

[Somersetlady]

Sorry cross post!

[CocktailQueen]

Hadenough8, sit him down and explain to him very clearly that he lives as part of a family now, not as a flatsharer. He has taken on two children as his own and if he can't do that then he has absolutely no place in their lives. He needs to be given a stark choice - to accept that the children's financial welfare is a shared responsibility or to fuck off out of their home right here, right now.

That he "wants to start court proceedings" to see the kids he hasn't seen for two years is a red herring. If he gave a shit about them he'd have started those court proceedings 2 years ago. Support him to see his children by all means - though what you want with a man who hasn't seen his own kids for 2 years is beyond me and why you'd put him in a house with yours is a mystery - but don't let him use that "poor me, poor my kids" wail as an excuse to shit on yours, because that's all it will be.

This ^^

[cornflakegirl]

When you talked about money, was the plan that you cover costs for your children and he for his?

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

This is really bad news.

You've only been married a month - for him to change so quickly-well, it really looks as if this is pretty deliberate, and you've married a right bastard.

He's already got a great deal btw. Basically, he's moved into your house and has managed to cut his living costs dramatically -bet he didn't have £1k fun money before. Even that split isn't fair! But he wants even more.

Think seriously about getting the marriage annulled. Really.

He won't change.

[Hadenough8]

Cornflake, yes we made a joint decision, I am happy with DH paying half of the basic outgoings and me supporting my kids with the £200 i have left. I was happy to do it either way, putting all money together and then deciding whether to save or what to do with spare money, DH didn't want to do this. I suggested the half thing and he was happy to do this. So this is what we agreed.

It is DH who is not happy with the joint decision. He feels I should pay for 3 people (myself and my 2 kids) and he should only pay for himself. The example I already gave electric bill, say it comes to £80, DH thinks I should pay £60 and he pays £20 and so on and on.

[MorrisZapp]

What kind of relationship does he have with your kids? How long have you been with him? Did he split costs fairly before? Who paid for your wedding expenses?

[PavlovtheCat]

I just couldn't/wouldn't feel comfortable with my life partner having pennies left for himself while I had £££ left. Which, once you have paid for your children is what you will have left, pence. So, you are no worse off than before. BUT, you are no worse off, not having any real money to say, go out for a drink with friends, ever. But, while you are not going out, watching the amount of fuel you use so your life partner doesn't have to pay more from his £££, while you go without, he is walking around in new clothes, going out as he wants or whatever things he enjoys doing.

I would not be ok with that, if I was the one with money. And I have been (I guess, technically, if we didn't pool our money, I still would be) that I could be like 'I shall get my hair cut, and look well groomed, and have fun with my friends, but you will have to continue as you are, there will be financial gain from our lifetime commitments, you won't get your haircut as you have no money, and you can't afford a babysitter so can't come out with our friends'. Fuck That Shit.

[SparklingMuppet]

He's a fuckwit, but you know that. Seriously and honestly take a long hard look at what your life is going to be twenty years down the line. Do you actually imagine you won't have divorced him by then? As an outsider going only on what you've posted here, I'd say cut your losses right now and get out. Yes it's only been a month but do you honestly see this being truned into a loving, supportive relationship where you'd trust him with not just your life but your children's as well. What happens if you get run over by a bus tomorrow? You really think you'd trust him to raise them with their best interest truly at heart?

[Somersetlady]

Hadenough8 have you explained to him that there are only 2 adults living in the house and therefore half the costs need to be met by each if this is to work.

If you got to a starting point where he agreed to pay for half of the living costs (evening excluding the DCs 'extras' ) from what you have said you would already be in a better position financially than you were premarriGe disposable income wise. Once this has become the norm you could open the conversation again about the 'extra income' you believe should be pooled.

[Only1scoop]

Op you must sit down literally around the table with him and get some system down which is going to work for both of you. Not sure you have similar values financially though so this could be tough....
I'm not quite understanding the 'saving' to see his kids thing....has he been saving for this since you met him?

[GuernseyTeddy]

Ah okay.

Well the reason you only have £200 a month left for your kids, is primarily due to their non paying father not your new husband. Is it worth you contacting the CSA? They can find him, even if you can't. Even a name and DOB would allow tracing through HMRC tax records.

So that's the first thing I would do - try and make sure my kids' dad was paying his way before castigating their step father for not supporting them.

Do you and your husband both work full time? If you work a lot less hours than him (even to facilitate childcare for your children), then this may be another source of financial incompatibility for you.

My course of action would be a) to try and get child support from your children's father b) help your husband get contact for his children, and arrange child support for them if not already established. If he sees you acting fairly, he's more likely to do the same.