AIBU or is my new DH?

[Hadenough8]

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

[cornflakegirl]

Ah, okay. Well, it sounds mean, and I wouldn't want to live like that, but not necessarily unfair - presumably it would mean you had roughly the same costs as before he moved in?

My biggest question would be why does he want to do this? Personally I wouldn't want to be married to someone who valued fairness over generosity to others.

[Grennie]

I am not convinced he is going to act at all fairly. Seriously a husband behaving like this one month into a marriage is shocking. And I suspect things will only get worse.

[sebsmummy1]

Hadenough why don't you sit down with him again and work out the finances based on what he wants. Ie, his idea if you paying for three people and him paying for just himself. See what this leaves you with as disposable income each month and how much it leaves him.

Now assuming your £200 goes down to £50. I would really like to know what his thoughts are on you having £12.50 to spend each week and him having around £300. If he thinks this is ok and you should press ahead I really think you have the answer as to whether this marriage is sustainable.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Little children don't pay bills, they're part of the household expenses. Four bodies in the home, does he think gas, electric, water etc would halve if the kids weren't there?

[cornflakegirl]

I'm still curious about whether he is paying maintenance? Does that come out of his £1000?

[Hadenough8]

Morris, he has a good relationship with the kids in terms of playing with them, reading bedtime stories etc, etc. He just doesn't feel that he should have to contribute financially for anyone but himself, when he needs money to start court proceedings to see his own kids.

Even this is conflicting as he says he needs money to start proceedings, then will go and buy clothes for himself, gym memberships, haircut once a month etc, etc. He has also had 2 years prior to being married to save towards court proceedings and he hasn't.

My parents paid for the wedding.

[GinOnTwoWheels]

What sort of hours do you both work and who looks after the house?

There's more to contribute to a relationship than who pays for what and I agree that he should pay at least half, and probably more, as he is a much higher earner. Is he close to the level where you would be in danger of losing your child benefit?

Does he do an equal share of cooking/housework/DIY/gardening, or does he try to argue that you should do more of that too, due to your DCs contributing more washing etc?

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I think that says a lot about how bothered he is about starting court proceedings. I think he's using it as an excuse not to contribute.

[cornflakegirl]

Little children don't pay bills, but if costs (like rent, bills, food) for Hadenough's kids are treated as a shared expense and maibtenance for his kids isn't, that would seem unfair.

[BruthasTortoise]

The children's expenses are a household expense - anything other than that is nonsense. Also regarding the 3/4 to you and 1/4 to him - that's ridiculous and I would honestly get rid of him pretty darn quickly.

[bakingtins]

When you marry someone you become a family unit. "All that I have I give to you, all that is mine I share with you" remember? It was only a month ago, he can't have forgotten already.
I appreciate it is more complicated with blended families, but the fact he wan't your children to pay their share of the bills really tells you all you need to know.
If you can't sort this out so you both feel fairly treated it will corrode your relationship.

[Somersetlady]

hadebough8 did he have a gym membership before he married you? Maybe this is something he never imagined he would have to give up once he was married. I certainly would jot have given up my recreation/hobby as if he uses the gym then surely it's contributes to his health and well being. Surely a mans haircut once a month is under a tenner?

I think the leave him and imagine how it will be in twenty years posts are also most unhelpful. You presumably went into a marriage wanting to make it work. Does he also have savings maybe set aside for the talked about court case?

I agree with Guernseyteddy a good place to start for extra income would be the CSA by trying to make your own DCs father take some financial responsibility for them. It is only fair if you are expecting your DH to do the same.

[bakingtins]

He is of course paying your parents back for "his half" of your wedding from his £1000??

[HaroldLloyd]

In my world you should both agree an amount of spending money you BOTH have each, then everything else pooled.

Out of that if he wants to save for court proceedings fine but you can't carry on scrimping and watching him have 1000 spends per month

That is a HUGE amount of spending money. I would want to be saving some of that up for the future not watching him waste it.

He is being TOTALLY out of order.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

The way he wants to divide utility bills is just ridiculous!

[Lemonfairydust]

Alarm bells ringing rather loudly over here. I'd say give him a kick up the arse or get out of there now, as I can't imagine what he'll be like 5 years down the line if this is right after the wedding! If he feels you should pay more because theres only 1 of him and 3 of you, that tells you everything you need to know about your relationship. He doesn't regard you as a blended family unit, he thinks of himself first, and you and the kids second (And doesn't really seem all that arsed about the three of you by the sounds of it).

[Norudeshitrequired]

My first ever LTB!

What kind of man sees his wife and her children as a separate entity? You are married and should therefore be a joint unit.

[MojitoMadness]

You know what, when I met and married DH I knew from the start that I was also marrying into a parental relationship with DSD. We shared everything equally, costs and parenting. When dd1 and 2 came along they just added to the costs. By marrying DH I knew that I was also taking on his child and that included paying for her.

Your "D"H is being a selfish immature prick! He needs to grow up, he either realises that when you marry someone with children you're also taking on responsibility for those children, or fucks off and moves out where he can continue to just pay for himself.

[sebsmummy1]

I think the fact that Hadenough's parents paid for the wedding will be the reason she stays and puts up with a crap marriage for far longer than she would if it had been a quick 'I Do' at the registry office.

[RosegoldRuby]

This is a huge red flag. On the whole ignoring red flags is unadvisable and leads to pain.
The 2/3, 1/3 split of the fuel bill is ludicrous . The carping about your trip to the supermarket is also hugely unreasonable. Sounds like you could be in for a lifetime of justifying every penny you spend, while he is entitled to spend what he likes.

Suddenly needing to save to see his kids sounds like a diversionary tactic. If you need any more of his money, you're selfishly preventing him seeing his children. Meanwhile he has 1k of fun money which he spends on the gym etc.

This doesn't look good. Keep a clear head, try to get him to talk reasonably about these issues. If he continues to be so unreasonable, watching your spending and so on, get rid.

Really, save yourself the heartache.

[Hadenough8]

Guerney yes my childrens father should be contributing towards them. The CSA have tried for years to trace him, he probably isn't even in the Country.

Yes I agree it isn't DH's fault that I am only left with £200 spare. Its no ones fault. Its just the circumstances. I am not castigating him for not supporting them. I am not expecting him to pay for my kids personal expenses, such as clothes, school trips or anything they personally need. I pay for these out of the £200. I am just expecting him to pay half of the basic household bills.

We both work full time and I am currently doing a training course to try and get more pay.

I thought I was helping DH to have contact with his children, I support him morally. I would also be happy for him to have any money I have left over after I have paid for the bare essentials to go towards the cost, while he is paying half of the bills. I have already cut back on food shopping, the phone is switched to incoming calls only, we have downgraded to less internet speed etc, etc.

However it is financially impossible for me to pay for 3 people's share of household expenses to enable him to have more money for proceedings.

[MrCabDriver]

He is being shockingly unreasonable.

By expecting to pay only 'his' share he quite obviously does not see you and your children as his family, he does not appear to have any desire to want to look after you or care for you.

How long have you been together?

Do you think he's always been like that in his life with people?

[BookroomRed]

OP, I hate to say this, but he doesn't sound as if he has at all the right attitude towards his marriage and his new family. He still thinks of himself as an individual only, and appears to see you and his stepchildren as equivalent to strangers in a flat share. It's not just about the money, it's about his basic assumptions about partnership and family.

[sebsmummy1]

Hadenough you already sound so downtrodden!!!! 'Your' children are meant to now be 'our' children otherwise wtf was the point of marrying this man? You want your children to grow up calling this new man Daddy presumably but he considers all their associated costs as yours.

That is disgusting behaviour and I would be extremely concerned as to how he is going to cope in the future with 'your' children if their behaviour deteriorates as their hormones increase.

[BookroomRed]

OP, you shouldn't be cutting back on food shopping because of your new husband's meanness!