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AIBU?

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Original poster

'man trapping'.....hear me out

146 replies

Babiesonthebrain · 25/09/2013 14:21

Im 29. I'm desperate for a baby.
I'm married to a lovely, kind, hardworking man who I love dearly but who is a perfectionist. He loves kids and will be a great dad, but wants us to save some money and buy a bigger house before we have a family.
My husband is 32. We've been married for three years, together for 6. We own a lovely 3 bed house and he earns 100k+ a year.
I'm a freelancer earning a decent amount, but he'd like me to have a more stable career before we have kids. he wants to wait for another 18months/ 2 years.

I think this is all total rubbish.

We had a pregnancy 'scare' a few months ago and he was thrilled. We were both disappointed when my
period arrived.

Would I, in any way, be doing him a favour by taking the decision out of his hands or is it evil and dishonest to even consider it? If it 'just happened' he wouldn't have to worry about whether we were making the right decision at the right time....

Any help appreciated!

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 25/09/2013 14:23

Disgusting to even consider it.

If this were a man, posting online about how his wife were 'denying' him a baby at this point, suggesting that he 'take it into his own hands', it wouldn't be "help" that people were giving him.

Rooners · 25/09/2013 14:24

Do not do this. Please don't even think about it. Slippery slope and all that but where is the trust between you?

Editededition · 25/09/2013 14:25

Just wrong.
On every level.

FeckOffCup · 25/09/2013 14:25

If he was disappointed when your period arrived I think it is worth having a conversation about that and telling him how much you want to try now. There isn't a "right" time to do it as you never know what is around the corner but I think you should both be on the same page before TTC.

FarelyKnuts · 25/09/2013 14:26

You would not be asking if you really though this was ok.
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.

DidoTheDodo · 25/09/2013 14:27

I certainly wouldn't recommend it, but it seems as though your H has a good handful of excuses which wouldn't really hold water. He earns £100K? You earn too? You have a house and a stable marriage?

You already have so much more than, I would say the majority of couples who have children.

How sure are you that he isn't stalling for another reason? I think you need to sit down for a serious talk and get to the bottom of how each of you is really feeling.

Rooners · 25/09/2013 14:27

By the way what I mean to say is, why can't you just talk to him about it?

That is the ONLY acceptable way to manage a situation like this.

I get your frustration completely but you will lose a lot more than you gain by taking it out of his hands. You really will.

wonderingsoul · 25/09/2013 14:29

i think he is ethier-1 finding an excuse becasue he doesnt want them or he is just scared.. i belive know one is truely ready to have children. they just choose to take that leap.

i think you need a disscussing and see what he would say about you coming off the pill or which ever your taking,

MinesAPintOfTea · 25/09/2013 14:30

That would be wrong. But you can talk about how you both feel. Maybe consider that your career will be irreversibly damaged/changed by DC and that the younger you are the easier it might be to adapt to this. Plus declining fertility post-30.

FriendlyLadybird · 25/09/2013 14:30

What Dido says. And what does he mean about you having a more stable career? Freelancing is the definition of instability -- I know, because I do it too, but I would be miserable in a proper job (again, I know because I've tried). Does he think you should get a job?

ButterMyArse · 25/09/2013 14:31

What Dido said. Surely he must realise that at least 95% of the population have children in less stable financial circumstances than yours?

There must be another reason. Talk to him. And DON'T steal his sperm!

squoosh · 25/09/2013 14:31

I think you definitely both need to be in agreement about when you have a baby together!

Having said that his reasoning makes me question if he wants a baby at all. He earns £100K+ a year, you earn a 'decent amount', but he still doesn't think that's a sufficient amount to support two adults and a baby? Hmm

Also surely it's your business whether your career is stable or not?

LittlePeaPod · 25/09/2013 14:31

Is this a joke thread? if not then Op dont do it! I can't believe you are even considering it. It's dishonest and out of order. Your DH trusts you and this is a life changing decision that he has a right to have a say in. Just talk to him.

HairyGrotter · 25/09/2013 14:31

YABVU to even entertain this level of deceit. Is everything in your marriage OK? I adore my fiancé but would NEVER stoop to deceit to get what I want...very selfish

Nancy66 · 25/09/2013 14:33

Forcing somebody to become a parent against their will is just wrong.

I have no doubt that many many women do this though with happy endings. But it's a gamble and pretty morally reprehensible.

Why not compromise and wait a year?

Feminine · 25/09/2013 14:33

I don't agree with the other posters (so far)

Your DH sounds like many man I know. They don't want to think they are responsible for a conception.

When it actually happens, they step up! In all cases.

I say go for it!

Writerwannabe83 · 25/09/2013 14:34

It always makes me smile that couples who seem to have the perfect financial situation to have a child, are the ones who think they need more 'stability' before going down that road Smile

If I was you I'd want to pull my hair out Smile
As a lot of people say, there is no 'perfect' time to have a child and they can't be planned to easily slot into a certain stage of your lifestyle. Try and drum that into your husband Smile

Me and my husband have a joint income of £60k (and this is before tax) and have various loans and credit cards we are paying off but we wanted a baby so tried for one. I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant and although we know it might be difficult money wise, we are so, so, excited! Money isn't everything when it comes to raising a baby - babies and children just need security and love. If we had decided to wait until we were more 'settled and secure' I doubt we would ever get round to having a baby.

If he was disappointed when your period arrived then it tells me he wanted a baby, regardless of what your financial situation is, and that desire/excitement is what you should focus on. I don't think 'accidentally' falling pregnant is the answer but I feel confident that there is a lot potential to get him to change his mind about waiting.

Just explain to him how you feel, be honest with him about how wonderful it felt when you were both excited about a possibility of a baby and how you don't believe there will ever be a 'perfect' time. Some women take years to fall pregnant....does he really want to delay things to then find that getting pregnant isn't quite as easy as he thinks it may be?

The best of luck - I hope he comes round to your way of thinking! Smile

willyoulistentome · 25/09/2013 14:34

If you're married, I don't think you could class it ias 'trapping' him, but it would still be wrong. You need to speak. It sounds on the face of it like the only thing to wait for is for him to be emotionally ready. You have the house, finances etc in place. It sounds like you have plenty of time, you are both yong, but who knows - it might take you 2 years to conceive anyway!!

TALK!!

BishBashBoshBoo · 25/09/2013 14:37

Don't trap him but definitely have a discussion.
he just sounds like he's making excuses. The vast majority of children don't have parents who earn £100k.

I don't actually think the more the money, the better for the child anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/09/2013 14:37

If you are in charge of contraception, you can tell him you intend to stop using it and he needs to make his own decisions. That is fair enough. Not telling him is very very wrong.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 25/09/2013 14:38

You need to sit down and have an actual conversation about having a baby, and walk through all his reasons for not wanting one now, and your reasons for not wanting to wait, then come to a decision.

Do not get pregnant 'by accident'. It's a vile thing to do .

Tee2072 · 25/09/2013 14:39

Totally wrong. If you want a baby sit down and have a serious conversation with your husband.

LittlePeaPod · 25/09/2013 14:39

Writerwannabe I just wanted tomsay that I think thats too much of a sterotypical generalisation. Not all couples in that financial situation think that.

MrsOakenshield · 25/09/2013 14:40

well, without knowing all the OP's outgoings it's hard to judge how financially stable they are (if you're saddled with a massive mortgage in an expensive area, your disposable income may be considerably less than a £100K salary may suggest), and also how much you both plan to spend on children - for example school fees. How stable is his job - is he concerned about redundancy?

You need to sit down and talk it through. But to deliberately TTC without his knowledge? It doesn't sound right to me.

Dahlen · 25/09/2013 14:41

I wouldn't advise it. Chances are, based on what you've said, that he may well step up to the mark. But if he ever discovers what you've done you could wreck your marriage as a result. Are you positive you'd never let that slip? These things have a habit of coming out, often through a seemingly innocuous slip of the tongue that gets questioned.

I think you'd be far better off sitting down for a no-holds-barred discussion about this. On a salary of £100,000 - which less than 1% of the population earn BTW - he is living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks financial reasons are a good enough excuse for not having a child right now. Simply not wanting to is a good enough reason, but if that's what he feels he should be honest enough to admit it so that you can either work on being ready together, or so that you can make a choice about whether or not to continue in a relationship that will never produce children.